Shiver Me Timbers! Oklahoma to crack down on Porch Pirates.

There are a lot of huge problems going on in the country right now, as we are constantly reminded by every commercial and promotional email that is essentially ‘Times are hard, that’s why we at State Farm would like to remind you your payment is due, and we care.’

Thankfully, our state legislature is tackling the big issues and looking at the bigger picture, as is stated in this press release on the Senate’s site:

OKLAHOMA CITY – Nearly one in five Americans report having fallen victim to porch piracy. The Senate approved legislation Monday to strengthen penalties against those who steal mail, packages or other items out of others’ mailboxes or off porches. House Bill 2777, by Sen. Lonnie Paxton, creates the Porch Piracy Act of 2020 to help better protect businesses and consumers…

The bill prohibits anyone from holding, concealing, destroying, or taking mail from the mailbox or premises of another person or from a delivery vehicle at any point throughout the delivery route without the addressee’s consent or with the intent to deprive the addressee of their mail.

HB 2777 establishes a misdemeanor for first and second offenses and a felony for three or more offenses within a 60-day period. First offenses may be subject to imprisonment for up to one year and/or a fine of up to $500. Those convicted of third or subsequent offenses may face up to two years in prison and/or up to a $5,000 fine. Restitution to the victim will also be required as allowed by law.

The measure now goes to the governor for his final consideration.

Thieves are bad, and getting your shit stolen sucks, but isn’t already illegal to be a porch pirate? Also, haven’t we learned that locking up people for petty theft, and instituting mandatory sentences, do more harm than good in the long run? If you ask me, a better idea would be to require all convicted porch pirates to dress, talk and live like actual pirates as part of a probationary measure. That will teach them a lesson, and make them more easy to identify.

We asked a porch pirate who wishes to remain anonymous about his thoughts on the legislation. This was his response:

“Shiver me timbers! Me hearties and I fear no bilge-sucking keelhaul! We’ll chase the booty and keep watch from the crow’s nest!”

Also, if this passes and has any effect on cutting down the pirates, the biggest loser would be our local TV news outlets, who seems to report those as every third story. If I were KFOR, I’d be lobbying to defeat this bill.

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12 Responses


  1. There is quite the disconnect between reality of the folks elected to work at the capitol and the rest of the world. It is amazing the things that can be rushed through, such as creating a law that has a clever marketing name that makes something a crime that is already a crime.

    Not to say that this isn’t a problem, but not sure how making something doubly illegal will solve a problem any more a school putting a group on “double secret probation” as opposed to just “secret probation.”

    Just another example of the Oklahoma Standard and how much of the public seems to think this a great way to govern the state. Imagine That!


    1. Expel them from Faber & notify their draft boards!!!


  2. I would’ve thought that such legislation would easily pass, say ANY of the last 20 Christmas seasons. With spot-on efficiency like that the Oklahoma legislature will discover the COVID 19 pandemic around February 2026, thereby outpacing public expectations by at least ten years.


  3. I was under the impression that messing with anyone’s mail was a felony already. Guess not? So now if you do it once or twice it’s going to be a misdemeanor?

    If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a f’ing thief. Man up Oklahoma and make it a felony right off the bat.


    1. Sorry for the wall-o-text:
      18 U.S. Code § 1708.Theft or receipt of stolen mail matter gen­erally

      Whoever steals, takes, or abstracts, or by fraud or deception obtains, or attempts so to obtain, from or out of any mail, post office, or station thereof, letter box, mail receptacle, or any mail route or other authorized depository for mail matter, or from a letter or mail carrier, any letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or abstracts or removes from any such letter, package, bag, or mail, any article or thing contained therein, or secretes, embezzles, or destroys any such letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or any article or thing contained therein; or

      Whoever steals, takes, or abstracts, or by fraud or deception obtains any letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or any article or thing contained therein which has been left for collection upon or adjacent to a collection box or other authorized depository of mail matter; or

      Whoever buys, receives, or conceals, or unlawfully has in his possession, any letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or any article or thing contained therein, which has been so stolen, taken, embezzled, or abstracted, as herein described, knowing the same to have been stolen, taken, embezzled, or abstracted—

      Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.

      (June 25, 1948, ch. 645, 62 Stat. 779; May 24, 1949, ch. 139, § 39, 63 Stat. 95; July 1, 1952, ch. 535, 66 Stat. 314; Pub. L. 103–322, title XXXIII, § 330016(1)(I), Sept. 13, 1994, 108 Stat. 2147.)

      Later amended to :Under United States Code 18 Section 1708, federal mail theft is a felony. If you are charged with mail theft, you could face up to five years in federal prison and fines of up to $250,000.


      1. Something put a bunch of “+” in my user name. ?????


  4. Not sure I have a problem with one, even though it may be unnecessary or covered by other laws. Texting while driving was already illegal – distracted driving is a crime. Making specific instance crimes like this or texting while driving make it easier to prosecute under certain circumstances. Additionally, it places an emphasis on the type of conduct, which in many cases leads to more enforcement.

    Also, I think we should celebrate (at least a little) when lawmakers actually spend their time making laws that are actually helpful rather than just passing bills solely to pander to a constituency like all those bills directed at social issues (abortions, guns, religion, etc.).


    1. I sort of agree with this. At worst, it’s harmless and redundant, which, in Oklahoma Legislature terms is a bit of a positive.


    2. I’ll reserve my celebration for when they prove to me that they can actually read and write.


    3. It’s an election year, and porch pirates have no supporters. Only people who hate them.

      That’s pretty much the whole story. Imagine that!


  5. What, exactly, does one do with a stolen porch?


  6. If Stitt puts his 2 cents in, it will be ruled unconstitutional anyway

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