Shiver Me Timbers! Oklahoma to crack down on Porch Pirates.

There are a lot of huge problems going on in the country right now, as we are constantly reminded by every commercial and promotional email that is essentially ‘Times are hard, that’s why we at State Farm would like to remind you your payment is due, and we care.’

Thankfully, our state legislature is tackling the big issues and looking at the bigger picture, as is stated in this press release on the Senate’s site:

OKLAHOMA CITY – Nearly one in five Americans report having fallen victim to porch piracy. The Senate approved legislation Monday to strengthen penalties against those who steal mail, packages or other items out of others’ mailboxes or off porches. House Bill 2777, by Sen. Lonnie Paxton, creates the Porch Piracy Act of 2020 to help better protect businesses and consumers…

The bill prohibits anyone from holding, concealing, destroying, or taking mail from the mailbox or premises of another person or from a delivery vehicle at any point throughout the delivery route without the addressee’s consent or with the intent to deprive the addressee of their mail.

HB 2777 establishes a misdemeanor for first and second offenses and a felony for three or more offenses within a 60-day period. First offenses may be subject to imprisonment for up to one year and/or a fine of up to $500. Those convicted of third or subsequent offenses may face up to two years in prison and/or up to a $5,000 fine. Restitution to the victim will also be required as allowed by law.

The measure now goes to the governor for his final consideration.

Thieves are bad, and getting your shit stolen sucks, but isn’t already illegal to be a porch pirate? Also, haven’t we learned that locking up people for petty theft, and instituting mandatory sentences, do more harm than good in the long run? If you ask me, a better idea would be to require all convicted porch pirates to dress, talk and live like actual pirates as part of a probationary measure. That will teach them a lesson, and make them more easy to identify.

We asked a porch pirate who wishes to remain anonymous about his thoughts on the legislation. This was his response:

“Shiver me timbers! Me hearties and I fear no bilge-sucking keelhaul! We’ll chase the booty and keep watch from the crow’s nest!”

Also, if this passes and has any effect on cutting down the pirates, the biggest loser would be our local TV news outlets, who seems to report those as every third story. If I were KFOR, I’d be lobbying to defeat this bill.