Top 9 GOP Candidates for Oklahoma’s 5th Congressional District (Ranked)

Although lots of people in central Oklahoma have already fraudulently voted in tomorrow’s primary via mail-in ballot, I thought it would prudent to go ahead and rank the 9 Republicans who are vying to unseat Congresswoman Kendra Horn as the 5th District’s congressional rep in the November election.

I’m doing this for a couple of reasons:

1. It’s always fun to spoof and make fun of right-wing weirdos and goofballs who have differing political views,

2. Based on our 2018 rankings of Oklahoma’s gubernatorial candidates, there’s a 20% chance one of these people will be arrested on either attempted-murder or murder-for-hire charges, and/or, devise policies that lead to more deaths during a pandemic.

Anyway, here’s a very scientific ranking of the 9 GOP Candidates for Oklahoma’s 5th Congressional District. Check them out:

9. David Hill

Coming in last place in our rankings is David Hill, son of Tom of House Kimray, vassal to Lord Harold Hamm of Continental Resources.

Hill has some slick and fancy ads touting him as some job-creating businessman, but what these ads fail to mention is that a huge chunk of his “success” is due to privilege and nepotism. The dude was born on third base with zero outs, and Ruth, Mantle and Bonds next in the batting order. His father literally gave him control of the family’s oil field equipment manufacturing company, KimRay, back in 2009. Now, for some reason, he’s no longer involved with the company. If you can’t make it in the family business, how can you survive in Washington?

Actually, considering he’d be working for the oil overlords, and basically doing their bidding, he’d survive way too well.

8. Jake Merrick

Jake’s a typical conservative, family man who owns a small business, goes to church, and argues about vaccine rights on the Internet. I clicked on Jake’s Facebook profile to learn more about his thoughts, opinions and other extreme views. As I scrolled down to photos, this is what I saw:

Call me old-fashioned, but whenever I see a political candidate share an image of Hitler on their Facebook page, I make a mental note to never vote for that candidate. Context doesn’t even matter. I don’t care if it’s a quote about world peace or his secret seven-layer dip recipe, but if I see Hitler on your Facebook page, I’m not voting for you. Then again, I rarely vote for the winning politician in Oklahoma, so what do I know.

7. Michael Ballard

This guy is a military veteran who bravely served our country. For that, we give him our respect. We save the disrespect for times like when he made the news for complaining about a billboard that promoted Islam on Facebook — a defiant act of free speech that I’m sure earned him the support and respect of many rural Oklahoma voters:

Like most people who are disgusted by billboards that don’t promote their religion of choice, Michael is a true constitutional conservative Republican. I think that means he wants everyone else to follow and abide by his strict, irrational, fundamentalist interpretation of a document that was written in the 1700s by white, male racist landowners. He’s also an abortion abolitionist, which I guess is a romantic way for him to say he’s in favor of the government telling women what they can do and cannot do with their bodies.

6. Miles Rahimi

When you go to this guy’s webpage, one of the first things you’ll see is a blog post titled – Why I Sued The Navy. (And Won). At first, I thought he was writing about a new Village People song, but no, he really sued the Navy…and apparently won. That will easily win over the anti-Navy vote in landlocked Oklahoma.

One of Miles big policy ideas is to provide a $100 tax break to all US gun owners to offset some gun safety expenses. You know, things like range time, training ammunition, and milage to and from the hospital to treat an accidental shooting. It’s a great idea. Not only would it motivate Americans to safely operate a firearm, but it would inadvertently create an IRS database of all American gun owners. I’m sure the people on the right will love that!

5. Tuffy Pringle

Not to be confused with Griffy Funyun – the sad grandpa who’s grandkids didn’t show up for cheeseburgers – Tuffy was the star of the News 9 GOP forum thanks to his inability to master a microphone:

Hey, if you can’t figure out how to unmute yourself during a Zoom meeting, you probably don’t belong in the US House of Representatives. You should be in the Senate instead! Seriously, why didn’t Tuffy just run for US Senate against Jim Inhofe? At a wiry 83 years old, he’d actually be the younger, more sane candidate – the young upstart out to unseat the career Washington insider! Their debates would be like watching Statler and Waldorf on an OAN version of The Muppet Show. Mike Gundy could be the moderator.

4. Stephanie Bice

The early front runner to dethrone Kendra Horn, Stephanie Bice is an Oklahoma State Senator that makes people think she’s a moderate because she’s nice on social media and drinks craft beer, when in all actuality, she has a pretty conservative voting record and some standard right-wing views. I guess you can say she’s like a triple-hopped artisanal IPA (or maybe an unfiltered lemon-apricot sour). She looks nice and refreshing on the outside, but once you take a drink or two and analyze the flavors, you realize your bitter mistake and just want a simple pilsner. Or something like that.

3. Janet Barresi

An affluent dentist who gets a body high when she inflicts nerve pain, Janet finished third as an incumbent in the 2014 Republican primary for Oklahoma State School Superintendent, earning her the well-deserved label, “one of the most unpopular politicians in Oklahoma history.”

You would think that experience would discourage Janet from running for public office again, but as wealthy, disturbed, unpopular people often say when running for office, “If it first you don’t succeed, waste your time and money and try, try again.”

In all fairness to Janet, her desire to destroy education in America would probably work better at the federal level than state. Plus, she has introduced some innovative policy proposals, including:

– Drafting nation’s 4th graders to construct Trump’s borderwall

– Adding snails, slugs and leaches to school lunch programs

– Putting ICE in charge of the Department of Education

2. Shelli Landon

This, of course, is the lady whose The Room meets 700 Club campaign ad went viral on social media. If you haven’t seen it, get out from underneath your rock:

Oklahoma may not be the best place in the world, but damn – we sure do turn out some fucking weirdos. Within the next couple of years, expect her to start a tiger zoo, get a couple of husbands, and find herself in the Pottawatomie County jail on murder for hire charges.

p.s. – Shelly’s ad was brilliantly spoofed by some road-obsessed loser named Spencer Hicks.

1. Terry Neese

It may surprise you to see that Terry Neese secured the top spot in our rankings, but in all fairness:

A) We don’t have a violent, gay, gun-loving, tiger zoo owning polygamist drug addict to insert at number one.

B) You probably didn’t know that I’ve been using temps from Neese Personnel to write most of my columns on this site, including this one, dating back to 2010.

In addition to that, what’s not to love about Ms. Neese? An Eccentric Grandma meets Sean Hannity meets Warby Parker meets Dirty Harry, Terry has some pretty extreme political views that were likely incubated from spending the past 20 years watching the alt-reality of Fox News. She also has something that no other candidate has – and endorsement from the OKC Friday:

Geeze. I wonder how many years of ads she had to buy to score that endorsement? Next week, expect the OKC Friday to name her on of the 50 Most Powerful Old Professionals in Oklahoma.

Anyway, that’s it for our rankings. Please let us know where we messed up, and who you think will be charged for attempted murder or murder for hire in the coming weeks.