Weight Problem: Lawmaker Claims Covid is a Chinese Attempt to Kill Fatties

I’ve had a weight problem all of my life, made even worse by the fact that everyone in my family is mostly thin. I’ve been called every heavy name in the book and, even though I’ve lost massive amounts of fat, there are always those typically right-leaning types that make sure to let people know that not only is my hefty death imminent, but that you, the hungry taxpayer, will have to pay for my useless hospitalization.

As bad as that is, now I’ve learned that the dreaded Covid-19 is possibly a man-made meat-massacre designed to slay portly, doughy and chubby Americans like me, perpetrated by the current White House boogeyman, the Chinese.

The muscular hero that has put forth this brave notion—through no actual research, by the way—is State Rep. Justin Humphrey, the two-fisted, one-gun Republican from Lane, Oklahoma. If that name is familiar, it might be because he gained notoriety as a man’s man that refers to pregnant women as “hosts” for the fetus. He also wears a very heterosexual cowboy hat.

In an official missive from the House of Representative’s communications and public affairs office, Humphrey’s shared his flag-waving findings on Friday:

“…we must establish that China developed this virus,” Humphreys mansplained. “It was designed to infect overweight, diabetic, elderly people who have low immune systems. Where are the majority of overweight diabetic people found? That would be America!”

Of course, this was mainly an athletic preamble for Humphrey’s far weightier news that Hydroxychloroquine is a futuristic miracle of modern science and his own “breathing problems” he suspected of being Covid were cleared up in only “two and a half hours.” And, if that wasn’t enough, he also lost “over 30 pounds” like a real damn American.

During this time when our brawny freedoms are being constantly attacked by 3xl-clad hordes of sweaty buffet-rioters, it’s great that we have a strapping patriot like Humphrey—who in 2017 also introduced a bill stating that any woman wanting an abortion needed a permission note from the baby’s father—is looking out for the svelter among us.

But, for me, I guess when I finally do succumb to Covid—possibly from downing an infected eggroll or two—I’ll see you other fatties in the plus-size section of chunky Hell, hungrily gnawing on my own slow-roasted pork-flavored flesh and bones for all of damnable eternity.

Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

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32 Responses

  1. :::he gained notoriety as a man’s man that refers to pregnant women as “hosts” for the fetus:::

    In much the same way that his cranium is the “host” of a grey blob of jiggling protoplasm that AIN’T QUITE WIRED UP PROPERLY.

  2. I’ve never known that fat bullies were “typically right-leaning types”. Seems like some of the biggest fat bullies are those radicalized vegan-ish nuts. They seem like left-leaners.

    Justin Humphrey is a goof.

    1. Yeah, I’m afraid you’re right about that. The self-satisfied preening of some of the fit does not seem to have an ideological home.

    2. In my experience people that feel the need to comment on other people’s weights are often A LOT like this guy.
      Also, I am one of those “radicalized vegan-ish nuts,”and as a general rule we don’t do body shaming (sure there’s always an asshole in every group). Since you are so astute on the intersection of social issues and politics, you know very well that body shaming in the liberal community is a real quick way to yourself get shamed and scolded.

      1. Sorry, I meant it as a generalization. I thought the term “radicalized” would help make that distinction.

        I meant no offense.

      2. What J said.

        And Steve, no offense taken. But that’s the problem with generalizations – whether they are about religion, race, national origin, dietary choice, body mass index, or anything else. Every subdivision of humanity has its share of assholes.

  3. Daaaaamn Louis, that last paragraph. Dark. Funny, but dark. Keep hanging in there!

  4. Just so happens that I met a guy yesterday that I hadn’t seen in about a year and he had lost quite a bit of weight.

    Sooooo hard to do and it really takes some will power. I have the highest respect for anyone who can achieve it. Plus the guy looked better and he looked the ideal weight for his height. I bet he feels better too, not having
    to lug the extra pounds around all day.

    Smoking is another one, but with the vape stuff now available it helped me to beat a 2.5 pack a day habit.

    No miraculous cure though yet to develop when it comes to losing weight and instead it’s just a bunch of rip-off crap to try to fool you into thinking that the overpriced stuff will work.

    A good meal at the end of the day is one of my biggest pleasures in life.
    Knowing when to quit eating it though is where I go wrong and I just flat lack the willpower.
    Living in one of the most affluent countries on the face of the earth can have it’s disadvantages when it comes to maintaining a healthy weight.

    1. Maybe someone will invent a diet vape and all we will have to do is inhale different flavors of foods we crave, allowing us to eat healthier foods while vaping a turkey leg wrapped in bacon, dipped in turkey gravy.

  5. Could someone explain to me why a drug that is effective against a parasite disease like malaria is supposed to work on a virus? Just wondering.

    1. The drug is “blessed” by “the Lard” and therefore contains holy healing properties, but only if you scream “COVID 19—–HEAL!” at the top of your lungs after ingesting the dosage.

    2. It has to do with suppression of the cytokine immune response seen in both malaria and covid (for that matter, this is the reason the drug is used to successfully treat the inflammatory aspects of Lupus, safely, for many years).
      From – AAAS April 17, 2020
      “Some clinicians suspect the driving force in many gravely ill patients’ downhill trajectories is a disastrous overreaction of the immune system known as a “cytokine storm,” which other viral infections are known to trigger. Cytokines are chemical signaling molecules that guide a healthy immune response; but in a cytokine storm, levels of certain cytokines soar far beyond what’s needed, and immune cells start to attack healthy tissues. Blood vessels leak, blood pressure drops, clots form, and catastrophic organ failure can ensue.”

      The theory being that the anti-inflammatory properties of hydroxychloroquine prevents this cytokine storm, as it does in other inflammatory ailments. Conversely, Covid has shown to cause damage in multiple body systems and lowering levels of virus fighting cytokines could actually do more damage.
      So a (very) quick (and very superficial) summary, two polar opposite theories. However, the issue has become so politicized that any reasonable discussion outside the research community is near impossible. However, claiming oneself cured of covid in 2 1/2 hours is, politely put, not realistic.

      Here’s a good, not to technical, article from the American Assoc for the Advancement of Science.


      1. Safely? I’m on it for Rheumatoid Arthritis and have been for years. I go to the eye doctor 4 times a year to make sure the stuff isn’t making me go blind. Go blind or walk? You make the call.

      2. Dicey proposition to suppress the immune system when it’s trying to save your ass from a deadly infection. pass

    3. Verdun –

      The woods are full of quack cures and their quack promoters that make no logical or medical sense at all. But you ask a good question which vonH has answered in detail.

      So it’s “hey, there’s a logical reason why this drug could be helpful. Let’s test it.”

      “Well, we tested it and didn’t help. May even be harmful to some. So let’s move on.”

      The stupid part is when you don’t move on, and keep promoting it anyway. Then you’ve wandered into willful ignorance and full quackery.

    4. The answer to that question lies somewhere in a warehouse behind the governors mansion along with 2 million dollars of donald’s miracle drug.

  6. What a blithering idiot.

  7. Wow! That is scary. To think someone voted this conspiracy theorist guy into our House of Representatives. What do you bet he may be the only one who ran from Lane, Oklahoma.

    I know it can’t be easy to be a representative and sometimes I can’t believe people even run for office. Maybe that is why we get the quality we do in our legislative offices. Kudos for those who do (except for this guy)

    1. Why do people even run for office?

      They happen to know people who inform them of
      all the financial benefits (including kickbacks) and
      they go for the gusto, plus the excellent retirement

      When I lived in MWC I heard from several people about
      those that work at Tinker ……. it went something like
      “There are two types pf people who work there – the
      lazy and the lazier.” Plus they used to steal about
      anything they could get without getting caught.
      I heard though that they finally installed some cameras
      after jet engines were discovered missing.

      Friend of mine worked at the Federal Building years ago
      doing maintenance. He’d tell how they’d work about half
      a day and then play cards ’til check out time.

      And I’ve noticed it myself at different city / state agencies how
      they can be so slow at things. I’d get bored in their shoes.
      But I guess it would also get old in hurry finding yourself doing
      all the work while the others are all slacking off.

  8. Louis, how can you tell if a cowboy hat is heterosexual? (That seems like a straight line for a joke, but I haven’t been able to think of a punch line.)

    Did Humphrey lose 30 pounds on purpose, or did he get that sick from COVID-19 while treating himself with the wonder drug?

    Right now under “Personal Life,” Humphrey’s Wikipedia page says:

    “Humphrey has a host, Carla, and three children.”

    Seriously. It says that. Don’t tell anyone.

    1. Ok, I laughed out loud at the Wiki entry. Yes, it really says that. The revision history says updated July 14 “Corrected personal detail to better reflect his values.”

  9. Ah hah. Humphrey’s Wiki page also notes that his father was superintendent of Lane’s school system….and that lil’ Justin’s own personal host was/is a librarian. That explains him….rebellious in adolescence are so many of us, he has since eschewed all learning, critical thinking and exercising any semblance of having a heart.

    At least now we know the “Why.”

  10. I think perhaps the safer way to reduce obesity in Oklahoma lies in canceling the State Fair.

  11. It wasn’t the Chinese that gave us COVID. It was Mother Nature, who was trying to do us a solid. At close to 8 bill of us swarming the planet, scraping the oceans clean, infesting every single piece of arable land and vital estuary, we were ripe for a salutary thinning out. We could have used this as a reset, but nooooo, oh no, we gotta go and save all the old, fat people.
    Well, the old fat people owe us a Big Fucking Party, is what I say!! Especially the old fat people with COPD!!!
    Y’all get together and figure it out, right the fuck away. You know who you are.

    1. I’m an old fat (well overweight anyhoo) person and I don’t owe you shit, buckaroo. I’ve worked since I was 14 years old, raised a family, have 2 college degrees and am thoroughly enjoying spending that social security money you pay in. And I sincerely hope it’s all gone by the time you need it.

      1. Oh, shit, I’m as old as you, I bet, and spending that same SS money as you. Nobody doubts you earned that income.
        But you still owe me at least $12.

        1. Can I wait until my SS money comes in? I promise I’ll pay, just need a little more time.

          1. Well, okay, but if you don’t come through, I’m gonna tell your kids that you were hoping that their Social Security future monies would be all gone, just as long as that meant that some idjit on a local site also got hurt.
            By the way, thank your kids for me for paying into SS to keep my sorry ass afloat.

  12. Why does it seem that so many guys who have goatees, (not even going to mention cowboy hats or ball caps) ate douchebags? Now, to be sure this is an overgeneralization, however, it seems to be a disturbing trend. Asking for a friend.

    1. Hey, I have one, and I am only a part-time douche-bag.

  13. The Speaker really should consider creating some sort of mandate to proof read official press releases because as thousands of Oklahomans have previously stated, this press release is evidence of some sort of intellectual disability.

  14. I’m sure that if you were to look up the textbook definition of Derplahoman Teabilly in the Webster’s Dictionary, you would see Justin Humphrey in there.

    Not only does he fit EVERY stereotype of a typical rural Oklahoman, he is also the only state rep that I know of that is stupid enough to wear a cowboy hat in his official state photo. I mean, if I were to wear a hat in my official work photo, I would be typecast as one of those ‘urban liberal types that likes the rap music too much.’

    Point being, you would think that grown ass men would have enough common sense to not wear a hat in their official work capacity. He shouldn’t have special privilege because he licks Trump’s nuts and caters to a bunch of rednecks in his hometown.

    It reflects very badly that he got elected as a state representative, and this is part of the reason why Kevin BullStitt is our Governor.

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