I’ve had a weight problem all of my life, made even worse by the fact that everyone in my family is mostly thin. I’ve been called every heavy name in the book and, even though I’ve lost massive amounts of fat, there are always those typically right-leaning types that make sure to let people know that not only is my hefty death imminent, but that you, the hungry taxpayer, will have to pay for my useless hospitalization.
As bad as that is, now I’ve learned that the dreaded Covid-19 is possibly a man-made meat-massacre designed to slay portly, doughy and chubby Americans like me, perpetrated by the current White House boogeyman, the Chinese.
The muscular hero that has put forth this brave notion—through no actual research, by the way—is State Rep. Justin Humphrey, the two-fisted, one-gun Republican from Lane, Oklahoma. If that name is familiar, it might be because he gained notoriety as a man’s man that refers to pregnant women as “hosts” for the fetus. He also wears a very heterosexual cowboy hat.
In an official missive from the House of Representative’s communications and public affairs office, Humphrey’s shared his flag-waving findings on Friday:
“…we must establish that China developed this virus,” Humphreys mansplained. “It was designed to infect overweight, diabetic, elderly people who have low immune systems. Where are the majority of overweight diabetic people found? That would be America!”
Of course, this was mainly an athletic preamble for Humphrey’s far weightier news that Hydroxychloroquine is a futuristic miracle of modern science and his own “breathing problems” he suspected of being Covid were cleared up in only “two and a half hours.” And, if that wasn’t enough, he also lost “over 30 pounds” like a real damn American.
During this time when our brawny freedoms are being constantly attacked by 3xl-clad hordes of sweaty buffet-rioters, it’s great that we have a strapping patriot like Humphrey—who in 2017 also introduced a bill stating that any woman wanting an abortion needed a permission note from the baby’s father—is looking out for the svelter among us.
But, for me, I guess when I finally do succumb to Covid—possibly from downing an infected eggroll or two—I’ll see you other fatties in the plus-size section of chunky Hell, hungrily gnawing on my own slow-roasted pork-flavored flesh and bones for all of damnable eternity.