The 10 types of mask-wearers you see in Oklahoma

Nearly a month after passing the ordinance, the City of Edmond will be implementing a mask mandate this Wednesday to help slow the spread of COVID-19 and give Edmond moms something else to complain about. Well, better late than never I suppose. Because as we’ve seen in other metro cities, the mask mandates can have a big impact on Oklahoma’s livelihood. Along with likely leading to a steep decline in active COVID-19 cases in the metro, the OKC mask mandate has led to some interesting fashion choices among Oklahomans. In fact, here are the 10 types of mask-wearers you see in Oklahoma!

The Stitt

This Oklahoman is best known for their signature look of wearing a gaiter around their neck more often than their face and yet somehow being surprised when they actually contract COVID-19.

The Homeschooling Mom

“The Homeschooling Mom” got up at 4:00 AM one April day to whip out 4-6 matching, custom-made cloth masks to protect her family from COVID-19. Because the homeschooling mom will stop at nothing to protect her kids, statistically speaking this is the person on the list most likely to have both a Hobby Lobby credit card and concealed carry license.

The Holt

“The Holt” tweeted about the mask mandate with gusto, seems to have a mask for every occasion, and is the one dissenting voice in the friend group who actually sits 6 feet away from everyone else. Despite advocating for social distancing, this person is also secretly disappointed about the fact that none of their friends can stand close enough to see and appreciate the Route 66 or NBA patterns on their novelty cloth masks.

The Denialist

“The Denialist” is not necessarily denying the pandemic, but more seems to be in denial about how long COVID-19 will be around because they have yet to actually buy a mask. Instead, this Oklahoman has a cousin who works as an LPN out in Shawnee who snuck them an N95 mask back in April and they have been wearing it ever since. The mask is beige now.

The Bandit

“The Bandit” is finally utilizing the collection of bandanas they’ve cultivated between 4-H summer camp in middle school and Sturgis 2017. This Oklahoman also has yet to buy an actual mask and has no plans to. They are the only one on the list more eager than “The Holt” to wear their face covering every day.

The Wristlet

This Oklahoman appears to make more effort than “The Stitt.” Because it is true that “The Wristlet” never leaves home without a mask. But it’s also true that they are more likely to keep it hanging off their wrist than their face when pushing their cart through Homeland.

The OSU Student

“The OSU Student’s” mask is high enough on their face to cover their nose, just like the CDC recommends. Unfortunately, it is also high enough on their face that their lips are free to lock with a Delta Delta Delta during Weedstock.

The Asshole

This Oklahoman often attempts to sneak past the mandate and shop without a mask. When called out, they are likely to yell at and/or threaten the person asking them to be a decent human being before giving up by dipping their head and pulling their shirt collar up over their nose. They are assholes.

The Essential Worker

The “Essential Worker” is so used to wearing masks that they now forget to immediately take them off in the car or when they get home. But they are also starting to enjoy the perks of wearing masks, including the fact that they hide mask-induced chin acne and allow them to mouth explicit language and insults undetected when dealing with “The Assholes” (see above).

 The MacGyver

“The MacGyver” means well, but too often forgets to grab a mask before rolling out of the driveway and thus has to be innovative when they arrive at their destination. This Oklahoman has been seen fashioning “masks” out of a gym shirt from the trunk, their kid’s blanket, and one time a ripped and meticulously-folden paper Braums sack.

Hayley is tagging herself as the “Homeschooling Mom.” Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek

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17 Responses

  1. The Asshole needs to have that umbilical hernia checked out.

  2. There’s also the Unabomber which is basically the same as the Bandit only adding a black hoodie.

  3. Cleverly written article. I enjoyed it.

    I see the “Essential Worker” pretty often .It makes me wonder
    why they have a mask on behind the wheel.
    In my case I can’t wait to leave a public area so I can rip the
    mask off and breathe freely again. Every one I’ve tried makes me
    breathe through my mouth too much.

    On one occasion I pulled a MacGyver big time. I was on the motorcycle
    and really wanted some pop for later being it was so hot.
    As I got to the door at the 7-11 I read their sign about masks and realized
    I came unprepared. I checked the saddlebags and found a clean grease rag.
    I had to hold it in one hand in back of my head while getting my purchase
    and money out with the other. It was frustrating to say the least.

  4. In Edmond it is a political statement NOT to wear a mask before the law takes effect. Was in Crest Sunday and there was about a dozen of them wandering about the store. They also do not believe in social distancing and love to sneak up behind you and grab something off the shelf as you are trying to shop. Assholes are going to be assholes.

    I’m not a fan of the mask, but it appears to be helping the situation so have been wearing one around Edmond. Since most stores are corporate owned and have a mask policy there is a far more powerful mask mandate in most places than the politicians of Edmond could mandate. This is another one of Edmond’s problem, it is good for business, not so much for community.

    It does appear that the owners of Crest, a Oklahoma based business, seem to believe like many Edmond residents also believe that the public is not the cause of the spread of the pandemic, but rather their employees. To resolve this Crest employees are required to wear a mask, and have for quite a while so that the super-hero Edmond residents can continue to spread, much like their idiot King Kevin Stitt.

    Wednesday in Edmond should be interesting as I’m guessing there will be some Edmond loons out protecting their right not to wear a mask but to also open carry. As long as Stitt hides the directives from the White House that Oklahoma is actually a red state for both Corona and politics all will be good and we can put our hands over our ears and ignore the warnings. If you fudge the numbers by excluding positives from private labs then things get even better.

    Evidently not wearing a mask is a very, very important statement. I would rather see more masks and businesses open, social distancing and even limiting number of customers in a store like most other states are doing. However Stitt likes to start all of his speeches with “welcome to day xxx of Oklahoma being open” like the sign at the factory saying how many days it has been without an accident.

    1. Except that pretty much every day we have at least one death from COVID-19, so the counter never really gets reset to zero like the accident counter usually does…

      1. Terry Neese said “Manipulate people 24 hours a day” in a leaked training video from her company.

        Kevin Stitt doesn’t share documents from the White House about the seriousness of the Covid situation in Oklahoma.

        One is a candidate for U.S. Congress, the other is currently the Governor. It appears neither have much respect for the people that voted for them. Just when you think we have found the bottom of the barrel humanity to run for office, all you have to do is look under the barrel for something worse. Maybe Mick Cornett shouldn’t have lost as many votes as he did when he spoke glowingly of her during his campaign.

        There is an election for Terry Neese tomorrow, but it will be two years before Stitt can be removed. It’s a shame both Oklahoma houses are a majority of the same political party as Stitt, as his handling of the Covid Pandemic in Oklahoma should be considered for his removal from office. The Supreme Court ruled he acted beyond his authority in the Gaming Compacts should have been enough to consider removing him from office. The contracts he made with his buddies for protective gear should be another reason for removal, but withholding White House advice to local leaders (let alone the public) should be automatic removal from office.

        But of course it isn’t and will never be, as this is Oklahoma. Imagine That!

        1. Is this a great state or what?

  5. Stitt is a wealthy business owner with a checkered business history and no political experience. So we elected him governor. From that office he thinks he can do whatever he wants with little transparency.

    Let’s avoid candidates with similar resumes in the future.

    1. According to Tulsa Public Radio the Tulsa Health Department Director Dr. Bruce Dart was not invited to the meeting with Dr. Brix in Tulsa. He asked if he could attend. The Governors Staff told him that they had a full meeting.

      I guess it never dawned on Governor Stitt that he could have left his wife at home to allow for space for a doctor and public official. Happy to hear it was more important that the Governor’s wife attend to hear about public health policy during a pandemic.

      Here is the story

  6. Went to a store in Midwest City last week. Guy and his wife and child get out of the car he flashes his gun and then they all go in, no masks. When someone mentioned masks to them he nodded politely and flashed his gun again….

    Got in an argument with my sibling TODAY because I said this thing would not end with the election; being as it’s a Pandemic and we have no vaccine in the foreseeable future.

    I am so tired of official folks i.e. governor, president, health professionals who lie for politicians, telling the people I love this mess is some crazy conspiracy theory.

    Just done with lying ass leaders…

    1. I’m trying to imagine your sibling’s position. That the virus will disappear, like magic, after the election?

      1. Yes as a matter of fact. Apparently the whole thing is a democratic conspiracy to steal the election….. We differ in our political beliefs, a lot.

  7. Sister recently left elementary teaching position from OKC to Mangum–following 25 years in the system.

    Additional motives other than Covid to escape OKC school district. However, the heartbreaking part of Covid is that you cannot outrun this thing. The virus will play out–mercilessly.

  8. Greer County (Mangum) was one of the first hotbeds of the virus in SW Oklahoma, and still has reported more deaths (8) than much more populous places such as Jackson Co. [(Altus) 7] and Stephens Co. [(Duncan) 4]. Remind your sister to not let down her guard.

  9. At least you guys have mask mandates . Here in covid central otherwise known as Enid, more than 500 students/staff for enid public schools are under quarantine for covid, infection rate is up and the city council here will not pass a mask mandate. Avoid Enid/ Garfield County at all codts

    1. Our state’s half-assed approach to dealing with the pandemic has given us the worst of both strategies – the economic wreckage of a shutdown, AND uncontrolled spread of the virus from not requiring masking and opening super-spreaders like bars and schools.

      This is what lack of leadership (or cowardly leadership) looks like, on both the state and national levels.

      1. 30 states have state wide mask mandates.

        Stitt claims the state doesn’t need one because of “the diversity” of the state. I’m assuming he means a lot of rural area. Mississippi, the state Oklahoma always tries to better, or at least make sure we are one step not as bad has a state wide mask mandate.

        Evidently as a mostly rural state, probably even more than Oklahoma, Mississippi have decided they need a state mask mandate. Unlike Oklahoma as their cases spiked they started the statewide mask mandate and cases declined.

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