Nearly a month after passing the ordinance, the City of Edmond will be implementing a mask mandate this Wednesday to help slow the spread of COVID-19 and give Edmond moms something else to complain about. Well, better late than never I suppose. Because as we’ve seen in other metro cities, the mask mandates can have a big impact on Oklahoma’s livelihood. Along with likely leading to a steep decline in active COVID-19 cases in the metro, the OKC mask mandate has led to some interesting fashion choices among Oklahomans. In fact, here are the 10 types of mask-wearers you see in Oklahoma!
This Oklahoman is best known for their signature look of wearing a gaiter around their neck more often than their face and yet somehow being surprised when they actually contract COVID-19.
The Homeschooling Mom
“The Homeschooling Mom” got up at 4:00 AM one April day to whip out 4-6 matching, custom-made cloth masks to protect her family from COVID-19. Because the homeschooling mom will stop at nothing to protect her kids, statistically speaking this is the person on the list most likely to have both a Hobby Lobby credit card and concealed carry license.
“The Holt” tweeted about the mask mandate with gusto, seems to have a mask for every occasion, and is the one dissenting voice in the friend group who actually sits 6 feet away from everyone else. Despite advocating for social distancing, this person is also secretly disappointed about the fact that none of their friends can stand close enough to see and appreciate the Route 66 or NBA patterns on their novelty cloth masks.
“The Denialist” is not necessarily denying the pandemic, but more seems to be in denial about how long COVID-19 will be around because they have yet to actually buy a mask. Instead, this Oklahoman has a cousin who works as an LPN out in Shawnee who snuck them an N95 mask back in April and they have been wearing it ever since. The mask is beige now.
“The Bandit” is finally utilizing the collection of bandanas they’ve cultivated between 4-H summer camp in middle school and Sturgis 2017. This Oklahoman also has yet to buy an actual mask and has no plans to. They are the only one on the list more eager than “The Holt” to wear their face covering every day.
This Oklahoman appears to make more effort than “The Stitt.” Because it is true that “The Wristlet” never leaves home without a mask. But it’s also true that they are more likely to keep it hanging off their wrist than their face when pushing their cart through Homeland.
The OSU Student
“The OSU Student’s” mask is high enough on their face to cover their nose, just like the CDC recommends. Unfortunately, it is also high enough on their face that their lips are free to lock with a Delta Delta Delta during Weedstock.
This Oklahoman often attempts to sneak past the mandate and shop without a mask. When called out, they are likely to yell at and/or threaten the person asking them to be a decent human being before giving up by dipping their head and pulling their shirt collar up over their nose. They are assholes.
The Essential Worker
The “Essential Worker” is so used to wearing masks that they now forget to immediately take them off in the car or when they get home. But they are also starting to enjoy the perks of wearing masks, including the fact that they hide mask-induced chin acne and allow them to mouth explicit language and insults undetected when dealing with “The Assholes” (see above).
“The MacGyver” means well, but too often forgets to grab a mask before rolling out of the driveway and thus has to be innovative when they arrive at their destination. This Oklahoman has been seen fashioning “masks” out of a gym shirt from the trunk, their kid’s blanket, and one time a ripped and meticulously-folden paper Braums sack.
Hayley is tagging herself as the “Homeschooling Mom.” Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek