In this turbulent era where the cries of rightfully defunding the police are rarely heard, Oklahoma County Commissioners have told area social justice types to go to hell—or, most likely, go to jail—allocating around $36 million dollars in CARES Act money for the ailing county jail last week in a contentious meeting.
And while, sure, this cash could have gone to mental health programs, homeless outreach or local organizations like LifeChurch or a DC bible museum, the money will instead be going to “Covid-19 response at the jail,” whatever that means.
Hearing something like that, you have to wonder where this funding will really be going when their check comes in the mail. If it’s actually used to make much-needed improvements on the county jail, $36 million can fix a lot of problems. In case they need some help, Patrick and I have a few ideas they can borrow.
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A Food Court
For years now, I have desperately tried to get into the county jail, if only to sample the lunchtime digs—hopefully a nutraloaf of some sort—that are offered to offenders. But perhaps it’s time to take the shopping mall to the mess hall, offering selections like Charlie's Steakery, Chick-Fil-A and Sbarro’s, their meals paid for with privatized labor, of course.
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Luxury Penthouses
Many area hipsters enjoy living in the formerly dangerous areas of Oklahoma City for their own needless edification, so why not turn the thirteenth floor of the jail into premium lofts for the ultimate in urban living? With a deluxe penthouse view and a heated infinity pool on the roof, rents start at $5,000 a month.
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Top Flight Security
With so many prisoners dying from mysterious deaths over the years, it’s time to ask who watches the watchmen. I say we hire us some top-flight security of the world, preferably of the bumbling variety whose antics eventually solve the mystery that’s long eluded the finest investigators that the OKCPD has to offer.
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Modern Plumbing
Have you ever tried to drink from the water-fountain attached to the top of a metallic toilet? The water is always warm, the color always yellow and the aftertaste always salty. Prisoners deserve better, possibly with a solar-powered water filtration system, run through new PVC pipes and other plumbing frills that the well-to-do among us seem to enjoy.
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New Video Set-up
Security can make or break a jail. The security cameras at county, however, always seem to be shutting off at the most inopportune times, like when a prisoner trips down the stairs or accidentally hangs himself. It’s time for an all-new security system with cameras that cover the entire prison; I’m sure Best Buy will give them a great deal.
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Climbing Wall
In any jail recreation-room, there are only a couple of weight-benches that only the most muscular of hardened men may use. But what about those bros that want to work their hamstrings and calves? Just grab some sheets and climb up and down the jails walls. Easy.
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Street Car Access
If there is one thing that Oklahoma City is proud of—well, our mayor is, at least—is our innovative street car system that practically no one uses. But, with a few decal changes, we can convert our undercrowded futuristic trolleys to luxurious prison buses that’ll make repeat offending a delicious trip through the best side of Oklahoma City.
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