7 ways to stop COVID-19 at college football games!

1:02 PM EDT on September 24, 2020

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago I was in my freshman year at Oklahoma State University. While the landscape, bar scene, and access to quality pasta in Stillwater has changed since 2010, it seems like not even a global pandemic could change the students. COVID or not, these kids are ready to party. Over the past few weeks, we at TLO have written about the mobs of maskless 20-somethings gathering outside bars on the Stillwater strip, as well as the throngs of folk hanging out outside of the OU stadium on game day last weekend. Because students are apparently having a hard time keeping their masks above their chin throughout all four quarters of the football games, the OU Athletics Department has even considered banning the student section at future games.

While I understand that COVID-19 needs to be mitigated, I think the universities need to exhaust all options to prevent the spread of the virus at the games before flat-out banning students from attending. In fact, here are 7 ways to prevent COVID-19 from spreading at college football games!

Encourage Drinking

Alcohol kills germs, right? And despite making you feel warm, alcohol actually lowers your body temperature. No fever, no COVID-19! I’m sure that’s exactly how it works.

Go Virtual

If the college administrators are so worried about the spread of COVID-19 that they make the graduation ceremonies and final exams virtual, it would only make sense to make the football games online as well, right?

Don’t Allow Tailgating!

Even though the major universities have basically banned tailgating this season, it hasn’t stopped a gaggle of Greek affiliates and dusty alumni from accumulating outside of the stadiums like the COVID-19 virus on the Eskimo Joe’s hostess stand. Instead of standing outside of your own truck drinking your own beer from your own cooler, join your friends in cramming inside of a maxed-capacity bar right off of campus. Make sure to only remove your mask to take a drink or make out with a Beta.

Make it a Contest Among the Greeks

If universities turned the mask mandate into some sort of competition between the Greek houses, not only will you have a 90% chance of improving mask compliance but they'll also somehow raise $4,239 for St. Jude's.

Show Lectures from Introduction to Modern Philosophy on the Big Screen

If the athletics departments are so concerned with the kids in the student section taking off their masks before the first quarter even begins, maybe they should show class lectures on the big screen instead of game highlights. God knows half the students wouldn’t show up at that point.

Give the Mascots Authority

Thought to be beloved symbols of school spirit, cowboy Pistol Pete, ponies Boomer & Sooner, and Captain Cane (whatever the hell he’s supposed to be) should all double as authority figures tasked with executing the mask mandate because 1. They are already masked themselves and 2. I’d pay Cox $59 just for the chance to see an unmasked drunk dude in a polo being escorted out of the stadium by a cartoon character.

Change Your Strategy

If you tell the student section that the masks and social distancing practices are for the prevention of herpes or the clap, you bet your sweet ass they'll comply. And you probably wouldn't be lying to them, either.