Even though Kevin Stitt recently touted Oklahoma as being #9 in the country for roads and bridges, OKC Fox recently shared a clickbait study claiming that Oklahoma is the 8th most dangerous state to drive in. Although this shouldn’t really surprise anyone who has driven more than 3/4 of a mile on I-44, the actual reasons might surprise you.
Here are seven of them:
Big Foot Sightings
Whether it’s because the cryptid isn’t as mythical as we suspect or because meth use is rampant in the eastern part of the state, dodging big foot is one of the leading causes of traffic accidents in Oklahoma. Thankfully, there have been no reports of traffic-related big foot fatalities in the state since 1963.
They say that dudes with big trucks are compensating for something… As evidenced by how many times it took the dude in the OU ballcap and F250 to back up in a parking space at the Winchester last weekend, I am assuming big trucks compensate for poor driving ability.
Increasing speed limits
It’s all fine and groovy that our esteemed lawmakers have increased the speed limit in some areas of the state, even though speed increases are associated with higher traffic-related fatalities. Hopefully they really did take into consideration road geometry, collision history, and sight distance on the roadways like they said they did before casting their vote for the proposal and didn’t just approve the bill to avoid being called a square.
You would think a middle-aged suburban Oklahoma mom in a crispy white minivan with stick figure family decals on the back windshield would be one of the state’s safest drivers. However, you will think differently when you see her floor-it across the parking lot of a Braums any given Saturday morning to cut off the other suburban mom in a silver Tahoe with soccer club and Kiwanis kids bumper stickers plastered on the rear who is also speeding towards the drive-thru line.
Speaking of God’s creamery, even those big-ass, standard-issue pink Braums straws are no match for the thick, sweet goodness of their own milkshakes. You gotta eat them sunsa-bitches with a spoon and no one is going to wait until they get home to dig in. After visiting the drive-thru, Oklahomans will drive with their knee if it means they get to swallow half of their cake batter shake before they leave the Braums parking lot.
Toby Keith Music Videos
Just like how the music of Pink Floyd is better during a laser show and Fleetwood Mac makes more sense if you’re recovering from heartache or a 3-day bender, you can’t fully experience a Toby Keith song without its accompanying music video. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter if the song is shuffled on during the daily drive to school. Because FACT. Forty-seven percent of distracted driving-related accidents in Oklahoma occur during the chorus of the “Should’ve Been a Cowboy” music video. In a related statistic, 12% of Oklahoma’s syphilis cases are contracted while tuned into Toby’s 2002 hit, “Who’s Your Daddy?”
Generally, I would insert witty commentary about Oklahomans’ love of Dukes of Hazzard cosplay here. But a bunch of good ole boys honky tonkin’ down rural roads on Saturday nights aren’t the issue in this case. According to this article right here, Oklahoma has the second worst rural roads in the US and 85% of our decrepit bridges are also in rural areas. Since as of 2018, Oklahoma is a top 10 state for motor vehicle crash-related fatalities per mile and 65% of the state’s fatalities occur in rural areas, I think the real problem is the state’s failure to properly fund our infrastructure.