I feel like July is really when the world just stopped. I drifted away from writing for a while (BUT I’M BACK BABY!). All the news was just COVID or George Floyd protest-related, and it was impossible to write in the style this site demands. I’d been (and still am) unemployed for months, the world was plummeting and stagnant. Anyways, this summer fuckin sucked.
Here’s what happened in Oklahoma:
Date: July 6, 2020
What We Said: “You don’t expect Craig to walk out on stage wearing a pair of ill-fitting Lee’s, do you? In fact, I believe it’s in Luke where Jesus said “Blessed are those who wear the darkest and shiniest of all denims, for they truly knoweth my word’s meanings.”
What We Learned: Raw denim is expensive, and takes a lot of time to break in and get that distressed look. It’s a valuable use of taxpayer money instead of, say, paying individual people to live.
Kevin Stitt didn’t wear a mask to Walmart over the weekend…
Date: July 15, 2020
What We Said: “That’s great. I bet he was asking them where he can find injectable bleach, or talking about his favorite parts of Plandemic.”
What We Learned: This would be just the beginning of a year where our governor would do everything in his power to flaunt against all the best advice from his health officials.
Date: July 9, 2020
What We Said: “That was impressive! Based on her throwing technique, physique and hairstyle, I’d say there’s more than a 70% chance this Karen was the star pitcher on her rural Oklahoma high school fastpitch softball team in the 1990s!”
What We Learned: Kevin Stitt would be proud of her mask refusal, but Jim Traber of course would have criticized her pitching technique.
Date: July 23, 2020
What We Said: “Tulsa’s pitch was the city had a big fucking field. Meanwhile, Austin is turning the Tesla campus into the set of Wild America. Tulsa never had a chance!”
What We Learned: There is nothing Oklahoma mayors love more than trying to court billionaires and getting on their knees begging them to build bullshit factories in their town.
Hey Joe, Where You Going With That Indigenous Slur in Your Name?
Date: July 23, 2020
What We Said: “While there might be little to no Inuit, Yupik, or Aleut people living in Oklahoma, for Indigenous people to see a surviving tribe that shares their historic blood dehumanized for a plate of chili cheese fries and a beer, it can have long-term, damaging effects, the same way sports mascots have been proven to.”
What We Learned: One of the 1980’s world’s most famous t-shirt design needs to get the boot. The food isn’t even very good anyways.
Stay tuned this week for more TLO memory-holes!