October is supposed to be spooky season. It’s normally my favorite month of the year. Everyone dresses up like idiots and you get to go to parties and you and your friends laugh about each other’s silly costumes. The kids go trick’r’treating, movie theaters are playing classic horror movies, all that fun stuff. And, like everything else this year, it got cancelled.
But plenty still happened in spite of Halloween disappearing:
Date: October 22, 2020
What We Said: “After interviewing the patient who voluntarily sought out the surgery, and following a search of the pair’s property, authorities discovered that Allen and Gates – who apparently ran their clinic under the online name “The Eunuch Maker” – allegedly saved the discarded body parts (a.k.a. testicles) of their patients/victims in a deep freezer for possible human consumption.”
What We Learned: Look, if you wanna have someone cut your balls off and let some weird guys eat them, that’s your right. Just know that you might get interviewed for a Netflix series next year.
Date: October 14, 2020
What We Said: “Wow. Isn’t that infuriating? I’m outraged! Can you believe the nerve of these invincible 20-somethings to prance around at the lake in their swimsuits while not wearing a facemask?! Sure, the combination of sunlight, Oklahoma wind, and the bacteria in Lake Arcadia’s water will kill most Coronavirus molecules on-site, but that’s still totally irresponsible and outrageous.”
What We Learned: The ironic part about this is you can be sure none of them forgot to wear their sunscreen.
Pro-Life Oklahoma House Candidate Paid for Woman’s Abortion
Date: October 30, 2020
What We Said: “If you ask me, it’s just another obvious example of the blatant, double-standard hypocrisy that conservative, primarily male politicians like Eric play when it comes to abortion.”
What We Learned: Hypocrisy doesn’t matter.
We’ve acquired the “secret test” to join the Canadian County Sheriff’s Posse!
Date: October 13, 2020
What We Said: “I don’t know about you, but it’s disappointing that we didn’t get at least one recruit to flash the okay sign. I was also expecting more Hawaiian shirts. I know it was the first meeting and everything, so people were a bit nervous, but these posse members really need to step up their game if they want to be treated seriously by their friends in other alt-right militia groups.”
What We Learned: Middle-aged white guys in light wash jeans and shabby shirts their ex-wives bought them at the Wal-Marts love to pretend like they have authority.
Weird “WTF Medians” to be removed from N. Western…
Date: October 14, 2020
What We Said: “The median was annoying, but I was kind of charmed by its character. It was always fun to drive by them and look at all the new rubber scuff marks adorning their sides. Just to piss off Steve Lackmeyer, maybe we can relocate them to the Oklahoma City Boulevard? It could use a few more obstacles now that it has traffic signs.”
What We Learned: OKC is incapable of making up its mind on streetscaping. As someone that cycled down that stretch a lot to get to work, I thought they were helpful for safety, but for Oklahoma drivers anything other than a 12-foot wide lane is confusing.
Stay tuned this week for more TLO memory-holes!