TLO Caption Contest: Markwayne Mullin

There have been a lot of iconic images making the rounds following Wednesday’s bizarre attempted siege of the US Capitol.

From Captain Caveman doing his thing, to the super happy guy waltzing around with a podium, to Generic Trump Supporter Model 105A kicking up his feet on Pelosi’s desk, but for many Oklahomans, the image we’ll all remember is tough-guy Congressman Markwayne Mullin cowering in fear after trying to reason with the mob of crazed individuals he’s courted and enabled over the years, and deep down, probably sides with.

You’ve seen it right?

It got me thinking, maybe we should have a good old-fashioned TLO caption contest for this photo. This is because:

A. It seems like a fun, engaging exercise.

B. On Tuesday night, I developed a fever, chills and stomach ache that felt like someone inflated a balloon in my stomach and then punched my belly repeatedly like I was King Hippo. By Wednesday morning, I was so sick and fatigued I could barely get out of bed. In fact, I actually slept through the early rounds of the capitol riots! Yesterday, I worked up enough energy to go to urgent care to get checked out, and after poking and prodding me and running tests, they sent me to the ER to get a CT scan. Yada yada yada, blah blah blah, I’m now at home loaded up on antibiotics and pain pills to treat a condition called Acute Diverticulitis. Long story short – I don’t feel like doing a lot of working or thinking today, and a caption contest is an easy way to mail it in.

Anyway, I guess leave your caption in the comments below. The best one will receive a $25 Gift Certificate to Mullin Plumbing – The Red Rooter.


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79 Responses

  1. Well, I won’t need a plumber up there today! Sorry about that smell!

    1. Can you shit your pants and still save the day? Just wondering?

  2. I knew I should not have eaten frijoles for breakfast!

  3. “I came that close to wearing my brown pants!”

    1. I think I just Pelosied my pants.

  4. Remember when I vowed to only serve two terms?

    1. Mullin now knows how our kids feel during an active shooter situation.

  5. When you shart at work but try to hide it from your co-workers until they all leave for the day.

  6. He better be thankful he did have on a mask, otherwise some qmagats might mistake him for a smart member of congress, w/o a mask they know he’s one of theirs own.

    Hope he brought a stapler. I mean when we have active shooter drills with children we show them how to defend themselves against a gun-nut with a stapler.

    1. Oops *did Not wear a mask* is what I meant

  7. oompa loompa diddly dee
    if you were wise you wouldn’t listen to me
    what do you get when you lie and you cheat
    a building full of anti American freaks

  8. When you reap what you sow…

    When I initially saw this, my first thought was of Martin Sheen in the final scene of “The Dead Zone.”

    1. Oh my gosh!! Me too! But Josh Hawley is the Martin sheen character.


  10. “Mommy – those mean guys you said would quit beating me up if I was nice to them are coming after me again. Make them stop!”

  11. IT’S ALIVE!!! IT’S ALIVE!!!!!!

  12. The moment when you realize you no longer want to MAGA

  13. I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks! I do, I do, I do!

    1. “You’re not the boss of me!!’

  14. You mean they want ME to unclog their pipe bomb?

  15. “Let me know when there are only whites folks at the door and I’ll stand behind the guys with guns and pretend to be brave!”

  16. Calm down, everyone. I’m no hero. I only did what any terrified third-grade girl would do when confronted by those mean ol’ANTIFA bullies. The real hero is Donald Trump. He definitely saved America by activating The National Guard quickly and completely unprompted, without anyone having to beg him to do so…and how do I know that? Because he told me so…Duh! Oh, I guess Jesus is alright, too.
    And please don’t flush tampons, as they wreak havoc on residential plumbing.

  17. Seditionist Siege: Nature’s Red Rooter™.

  18. Rep. Mullins confirmed his plumbing worked by pissing himself.

  19. Ooooh that smell!
    Can’t you smell that smell?

  20. Mommie, tell me when it’s safe to go up to window for a photo-op.

  21. I can only send thoughts and prayers to the members of Congress, I mean, that’s what they send our kids when there’s an active shooter.

  22. When you rail against the bourgeoisie and forget you’re the bourgeoisie.

    1. You just described every politician in Washington. You know – they are looking out for the hardworking little guy….
      Of course they are.

  23. AFTER INCIDENT REPORT by Markwayne Mullet, PhD:

    Something happened. I leapt into action, prepared to do whatever was required to protect myself…I mean, protect the Constitution. Yeah—that…thing….I swore to protectify, or whatever.

    Anyhoo, I tried to find an Antifa person smaller than myself whose ass I could whoop, but there was so many Antifas there rebellin’ and what-not that I got all confusified, like when a big fish wants to eat a small fish but they all move together at once and the big fish’s head starts hurtin’ and he just says, “Fuck this, I give up,” and he goes hungry that day.

    So instead, I ran. The end.

    1. This one. It’s the winner, Patrick.

  24. Whadda ya mean they believe us? We only say that shit to get elected and raise money!

  25. MOMMY . ..

  26. Over this shill for Trump and his refusal to acknowledge Trump had any role to play or had any responsibility for what happened at the Capitol on Wed. The only caption that comes to mind is, “But daddy said they’d only come for the Democrats”

  27. The Arsonist claiming to be the firefighter. Pulling an Alexander Haig after the disaster.

  28. When you shit yourself from the 7 protein shakes you had for breakfast.

  29. Claiming that he is an MMA badass, Markwayne Mullin learned the hard way about the quote from Daddy Trump: “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.”

    1. Got my vote.

  30. Sittin, Spittin and Shittin


  32. MMA, mama help me!!

  33. Proud Boys, Proud Boys watcha gonna do? Watcha gonna do when they come for you?

  34. I’m the official MMA fighter of the Congress!

    Go away, you filthy liberal commies!

    I’m gonna tell Nancy on you!

    Who sent you? This is NOT President Trump’s fault!

    I said I would do ANYTHING to keep President Trump in office, but I never thought it would require courage.

    First liberals steal the election, and now they block my way to the Congressional Gym. The bastards!

  35. Whatdya mean “Death Card”? I thought 13th trump made me one of the family!

  36. Crouching plumber, hidden jackass

    1. New Guy wins the popular vote.

  37. I guess I picked the wrong day to stop drinking, I don’t want to “politician” anymore.

  38. Turd herding ain’t easy.

  39. Make America Shit Again

  40. Crouching Pussy
    Hidden Penis

    MMA my ass

    1. Um… Partially plagiarized and foul.

  41. But bros, I’m on your side!

    1. Lib, this is a contest damnit. We play to win. I’d be retaining Counsel.

      1. I never go out without my attorney, Dr. Gonzo, at my side.

  42. Half Wit Dip Shit shows America how to Sit Shit.

  43. Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

  44. OPE!

  45. “Ooooooh!!!!! Lookee! It is free Bloomin’ Onion Monday!”

  46. Fuck Mullen.

    Get well Patrick.

  47. “I was only following orders.”

    Too dark? Too Fascist? Too true?

    You decide.

  48. The moment he realized that “shit was actually hitting the fan…in his pants.”

  49. Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie!

  50. Oh Crap they really believe all this stuff! Is it too late to have my QAnon tramp stamp removed?

  51. Oh no, the consequences of my actions!

  52. They ain’t grabbin this pussy

  53. New Guy’s is the best idea

    Crouching Plumber, Hidden Asshat

  54. Mullen the yellow bellied rooter

  55. Damn, we’re in a tight spot, Delmar!

  56. Hey Fellas, I’ve got a beard too.

  57. Why was my comment caption removed? It’s one of the best!

  58. When the going gets tough, kneel down and pray.

  59. Is that guy seriously using an adjustable spanner? Oh well, at least it’s not me getting my hands dirty…

  60. Lord hep me Jebus!

  61. Realizing his beard would not yet be long enough to disguise him as one of his own rabid constituents, MarkWayne briefly surveyed the aisles for which of his fellow Congress and women would make an adequate human shield beforenfinal settling on tried and true Steve Scalise.

  62. It’s my INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY to hide . Its what real leaders do. Ask Trump.

  63. “First they came for the Democrats and I did not speak out—because I’m a partisan hack .
    Then they came for the Capitol police, and I did not speak out— because it didn’t fit GOP talking points. Then they came for Pence, and I did not speak out—because I thought I was safe. Then they came for me—and I didn’t learn a thing and will remain an existential threat to the country. I’m Markwayne Mullin and I approved this insurrection.”

  64. I wonder who won this contest. Anybody know?

  65. I would accept lifetime ogle mole membership including swag btw…lol

  66. A man sews what he rips.

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