5 metro bathrooms that may give you Covid immunity

The vaccine is finally, slowly, and inefficiently started to roll out. Maybe by the year 2030 we will finally be rid of this plague.

But there are a few choice spots where you could have built up a strong immunity to nasty diseases. We still don’t know how this thing will evolve, and need to take precautions and get vaccinated when we can, but if you’ve used any of these bathrooms, your immune system might be less at risk:


I respect sex workers, but do not enjoy strip clubs. You gotta pay to get in the door, then get constantly hustled for drinks, lapdances and DJ tip jars. Basically, the entire point is to strip you of your entire bank account so you can be horny for a few hours.

However, I do love Suger’s in Norman. It’s chill, you can play pool or sit in the back, and maybe you’ll see an OU adjunct wearing a gas mask and pole-dancing to Marilyn Manson. But strip club bathrooms are a hive of disease and if biologists ever did research at Suger’s, they would surely encounter things that were not meant for humanity.

State Rest Stops

Any state highway or park restroom I’ve ever used has been a rickety piece of trash. It’s like a lean-to made out of cheap aluminum and/or WPA era piles of masonry. The faucets dribble water, and they seemed to get cleaned on a monthly basis. One time at around 7am I encountered a guy wearing smeared clown make-up at a highway rest stop. He appeared to be on an all-night clown bender. As long as he’s been wearing his mask, I’m sure he is immune.

Crest Foods

One of my first jobs was stocking bread at Crest #2 in Midwest City. My very first day on the job, I clocked out, and then another employee asked me for help. The bathroom was dirty. I didn’t want to seem lazy (even though I was), so I agreed to help him out. It was a stall in the women’s bathroom that was clogged and flooding the floor with bloody feces. He was excited to clean it up. Later on, I found out he had a sex swing. Never talked to him since. Anyways, that experience may have given me the antibodies.

The Hi-Lo

One of the most storied bars in Oklahoma City also may have the most storied bathroom. Pablo Escobar must have made a million dollars alone on all the cocaine that has been hoovered off the tops of the toilet tanks there. I’ve gone into pee and had random strangers barge in to smoke a joint. Yes, I inhaled.


I’m not saying their bathrooms are unclean, but with hundreds of truckers pulling in everyday from around the country, you never know what you’re dealing with.

Honorable Mention: The Conservatory

Although it’s now something else, the bathrooms at The Conservatory were legendary. Ask anyone who has been there and had to take a piss after a few cans of Lost Lake. It’s even been written up in Xeroxed punk zines as the worst bathroom in the country. The men’s room had no doors for the stalls. One time I saw the immunocompromised guitar player from Japanese band Melt-Banana taking a shit there. All I could think was how he traveled across the globe to tour and was reduced to that squalar.

All that said, I loved that venue.

Anyways, please get vaccinated whenever that opportunity arrives for you, wear your goddamn mask, and stay the hell home.

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14 Responses

  1. How about the Zoo amphitheater? Or, for that matter, ANY rest room at the GREAT State Fair?
    Shudder to think about it.

  2. Actually, I personally think WPA/CCC masonry is some pretty good stuff and was built to last. Much of it still stands today and is a reminder of a time when someone actually cared.

  3. Those bathrooms may not offer COVID immunity, but you’ll get antibodies to any STI you can think of.

  4. Dub L’s at the conservatory…ah, memories!

  5. The bathroom at Cookies off 23rd and Classen where you had to avoid the exposed pipes.

  6. Those pee-catchers at Love’s are an unfortunate color.

  7. Technically they’re not bathrooms, but you probably could have included Braum’s kitchens.

  8. The bathroom at the old “Stu’s Blues Saloon” ( I think it was Stu’s) near NW 10th & Villa beats any of these hands down. It used to be the Crazy Horse before that. The trough in the men’s room was nearly full of piss one time. The drain was stopped up occasionally and the people just kept pissing anyhow. One time the level of the piss was near the top. Just think about people pissing in that and the piss would splash back on them. Aaauuugggghhh. You could just pee in the corner, not even in a toilet, against the wall. I saw that happen. The piss would fall to the floor and somebody would just hose it down the drain in the middle of the floor eventually, hopefully. There are worse men’s rooms in OKC than that though that shall remain safely anonymous.

  9. Let us now turn to A.E. Housman’s assessment of self-inoculation to the dangers one might face.

    There was a king reigned in the East:
    There, when kings will sit to feast,
    They get their fill before they think
    With poisoned meat and poisoned drink.
    He gathered all the springs to birth
    From the many-venomed earth;
    First a little, thence to more,
    He sampled all her killing store;
    And easy, smiling, seasoned sound,
    Sate the king when healths went round.
    They put arsenic in his meat
    And stared aghast to watch him eat;
    They poured strychnine in his cup
    And shook to see him drink it up:
    They shook, they stared as white’s their shirt:
    Them it was their poison hurt.
    –I tell the tale that I heard told.
    Mithridates, he died old.

    1. Oh, wow, an A.E. Housman poem first thing in the morning! Mr. Eddie, you have made my day.

    2. Time for you to update Houseman. “A Shropshire Lad At Sugar’s”

  10. I’ve been sitting bare-arsed on the rims of toilets in 7-11 stores for years. Mayhaps that’s why I haven’t caught the plague yet?

  11. Old Paris Flea Market no comparison. I triple dog dare anyone on here to go into that dandy hole in the wall right before the Bar that’s open on Sunday morning lol!!

  12. Walmart any Walmart nuff said

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