The 15 stages of a trip to Frontier City

11:19 AM EDT on July 5, 2023

Oklahoma summers are usually associated with salty frog snow cones, mosquito bites, chafing and lake accidents, but for the Oklahoma youngens and young-at-heart, it would not be summer without a trip to our metro's finest (and only) amusement park – Frontier City.

Please secure all valuables and remove your hats, because here are the 15 stages of a trip to Frontier City!

1. Watch the Weather

You don’t watch the weather to choose which day you’re going to Frontier City. Rather, you check the weather the day of in order to mentally prepare for the 95-degree day and 435-degree steel bars holding you in the Prairie Schooner (a.k.a. The Pirate Ship).

2. Buy a pair of souvenir short shorts

Just make sure not to wear them or they'll kick you out of the park!

3. Make a Public Declaration that You are NOT Riding the Renegade Rapids

You are NOT walking around the park in wet jean shorts for the rest of the day. No matter how many degrees over 90 Oklahoma decides to be that day, it’s never actually hot enough to dry off after a spin on the Renegade Rapids and you’re not walking around in misery.

4. Get really high.

You'll thank us later.

5. Run to the DiamondBack

If you’re not in line in time to make it to at least the 5th run of the Diamond Back that day, you’re not getting a chance to ride it before the damn thing shuts down for the rest of the weekend.

6. Get stuck on the Silver Bullet

Be warned: Although you'll get to meet a fireman and see your face on the local news, it also may result in a sunburn and or death.

7. Hold Up the Bucky's Whistlestop Train

Train robberies ain't what they used to be thanks to today's cashless age, but either way, re-live the excitement of the wild wild west by robbing all the children and wussy adults riding the Bucky's Whistlestop Train around the park.

8. Get Some Old-Time Photos

The experience will only take 20 minutes. But the photos will last a lifetime, sitting in your closet and never seeing the light of day.

9. Acquire Third-Degree Burns

What did I tell you about the 435-degree steel bars holding you into the Prairie Schooner?

10. Reminisce About the Terrible Twister

Remember the revolving cylindrical ride in which there were 1. No straps holding riders in place and thus 2. No regard for the fragility of human life? Instead, the 16-year-old ride operator would take a 10-second break from flirting with their coworker to ~~yell at you~~ instruct you to enter the Terrible Twister and stand with your back flat against the wall. Soon, you would find yourself at the mercy of physics as the twister would spin us riders around so quickly that we would adhere to the side of the ride as the goddam floor dropped out from under us. You got cool points from the other Youth Group kids if you were strong enough to lift your arm to flip off the ride operator while it was spinning.

11. Conduct an archaeological excavation of the old Rhythm Pit

Rumor has it there's an entire vault of unclaimed KJ-103 Hot 8 at 8 prizes located underneath.

12. Lose 50 Bucks

You are too far removed from your senior year of high school to get anything other than a consolation prize from the “Alley Oop” basketball hoop carnival game. Those eighth graders also make the ring toss look a lot easier than it actually is. About 40 minutes and 50 bucks later, you’ll come away with what appears to be a knock-off/bootleg Hello Kitty plush to show for your efforts.

13. Check out the Wild West Gunfighter Stunt Show

If you're lucky, you may see Canadian County Sherif Chris West out recruiting members for his new posse!

14. Get Talked into the Renegade Rapids

It’s hot enough outside. We’ll dry quickly.

15. Decide It’s Time to Go Home

You got half of your first refill of lemonade remaining in your souvenir cup. Your wet jean shorts are plaster to your ass and thighs. You feel the heat of your sunburn crawling across your shoulders. You’re dehydrated and broke. You had a fantastic day at Frontier City.

Originally published July 2019.