Welcome back to our segment where you can get caught up on the news of the week. We always try to keep you advised, but some stories slip through the cracks. This is our way of giving your a rapid-fire catch-up of the going-ons in our weird and wild state.
We’ll give you the good news, the bad news, and the in-between. It’s usually bad news around these parts, but hey, you work with what you’ve got. Let’s get started!
Metropolitan Library System doing away with overdue fines for one year https://t.co/F7SY6AqjwR
— KFOR (@kfor) June 28, 2021
No More Overdue Fines!
If you know me, I’m a friend of the library. Last week, I wrote in-depth about how important it’s been to my life. This is some great news, but also doesn’t really shatter my existence. I would check out a bunch of books, and the computer would go ‘BOOP.’ The librarian would tell me I have $25 in late fees (I’m very irresponsible and a slow reader). When I pulled out my debit card, insistent to pay because I want to support this institution that has helped me and many other people, they’d go, ‘Eh don’t worry about it. Here’s your slip, bring these back in two weeks.’ This is great news for us accelerated readers.
Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton File for Marriage License, Weekend Wedding in Works https://t.co/teeXk9EjSx
— TMZ (@TMZ) July 1, 2021
“Shelfani” getting hitched
Oklahoma’s favorite celebrity couple officially filed for marriage in Johnston County earlier this week. It will be interesting to see which county they chose to file their divorce paperwork in a couple of years.
— Spencer Rattler (@SpencerRattler) July 1, 2021
Spencer Rattler has a terrifying logo
With the NCAA finally opening the NIL floodgates earlier this week, high-profile college football stars like Spencer Rattler released PR driven statements letting us know they don’t care about the money. He also unleashed a scary logo.
Regardless of what your thoughts are on the logo, the real question is – Which OU Athlete should we hire to be a spokesperson for The Lost Ogle? I vote for Spencer Jones.
Two Oklahoma City community swimming pools closed because of a lifeguard shortage will reopen with limited, rotating schedules starting Friday.
— The Oklahoman (@TheOklahoman_) July 1, 2021
The OKC Lifeguard Situation is Fucked
As someone who has never learned how to swim and has zero interest in anything other than wading in the water, I can still understand the appeal of wanting to be a lifeguard. It’s a good job as a teenager to catch a tan, meet girls, and be a hero. But apparently the market is drying up, like every other industry because people are saying, ‘Wait, work sucks and you’re screwing me over.’
It’s still a very important job, one that saves lives. This didn’t occur at a public pool, but a young man drowned in Deer Creek this week. I might be going to a pool party on ID4, but ya boi don’t got no sea legs and will be staying in the shallow end.
Just because fireworks are against the law in OKC doesn't mean you can't enjoy a great display. Make plans to attend one of these awesome public displays. Let's have a safe and enjoyable holiday, OKC! pic.twitter.com/okliPOibfi
— Oklahoma City Fire (@OKCFD) June 29, 2021
Here’s Your OKC ID4 Fireworks Locations
We’re hopefully not gonna see any alien invasions on this weekend’s Independence Day. Well, maybe that would actually be cool, as long as they’re the chill aliens you would see on Spencer’s Gifts posters wearing Dr. Seuss hats saying, ‘Take me to your dealer.’
I’m mostly curious about what the Frontier City bone yard is. It sounds incredibly horny. Is it the Wildcat, but like the scene from Fear (1996) where Mark Wahlberg fingered Reese Witherspoon on a rollercoaster?
Edmond Couple Accused Of Using OnlyFans App To Rob, Blackmail Victim At Gunpoint https://t.co/5zCA7fTQMs
— News 9 (@NEWS9) July 1, 2021
Weird Horny People Commit Robbery To Buy Weed
Look, I’m 100% on board for sex workers. It’s totally okay to pay and get paid to be horny or help horny people get their rocks off as long as it is safe and consensual. But ya gotta have your boundaries and using a site like OnlyFans to mug and rob your clients, that ain’t right. This couple allegedly did just that to take somebody’s money and buy weed with it.
Also, the woman’s name is Rose Hosseinigoshaghani, and I will give anyone a rose on their nose if they can accomplish completing that at a spelling bee.
Among voters who have shown the greatest interest in municipal governance through their voting record, 71% have a favorable opinion of the mayor. https://t.co/TgpQpLgpv3
— The Oklahoman (@TheOklahoman_) June 28, 2021
Mayor McSelfie Is Still Very Beloved
David Holt’s popularity has become a strange and stunning cult of personality. Over the course of his tenure, I’ve contended that it’s because he’s tall and has a nice smile and the human equivalent of mayonnaise. People forget that he’s a conservative because he’s residing under MAPS projects that were enacted before he was elected. On his social media, any comment that says ‘BEST MAYOR EVER,’ he’ll reply, but if you give real criticism that is thoughtful and not mean, ya gonna get left on read.
Oklahoma police chief arrested after allegedly stealing from evidence room https://t.co/MnA7bqgF9b
— KFOR (@kfor) June 29, 2021
Another banner week for Oklahoma Law Enforcement
It seems like every week or so some Oklahoma cop gets arrested for doing something stupid. In this case it was stealing drugs and other stuff from an evidence room. It makes you wonder – considering they work in law enforcement, shouldn’t cops be better at stealing stuff without getting caught?
Removing the grocery tax could add tax elsewhere which could be an issue for Oklahoma Republicans. https://t.co/iZCnejNG8z
— KOKH FOX 25 (@OKCFOX) July 1, 2021
Holy Shit No Grocery Tax?!?
Okay, to begin with, having a bipartisan agreement in this state and the entire United States of America blows my mind. But if this passes, it could be a big one.
As a kid, we’d visit my dad’s family every year in Wisconsin, and it blew my mind that I could walk to the gas station and buy a Little Debbie’s snack cake for a quarter. Not a quarter and some change, just twenty-five cents. We’d go to the bookstore and I’d buy a magazine. Guess what: NO TAX.
Meanwhile, all our massive oil companies who rape the planet get tax breaks left and right. It’s a fun government.
Anyways, if you’re vaxxed up, I hope you get to enjoy America’s #1 imperialist holiday weekend with your friends, and if you’re not, enjoy your hospital visit.