TLO Weekly News Round-Up

Howdy, pardners!

Welcome back to our segment where you can get caught up on the news of the week. We always try to keep you advised, but some stories slip through the cracks. This is our way of giving your a rapid-fire catch-up of the going-ons in our weird and wild state.

We’ll give you the good news, the bad news, and the in-between. It’s usually bad news around these parts, but hey, you work with what you’ve got. Let’s get started!

No More Overdue Fines!

If you know me, I’m a friend of the library. Last week, I wrote in-depth about how important it’s been to my life. This is some great news, but also doesn’t really shatter my existence. I would check out a bunch of books, and the computer would go ‘BOOP.’ The librarian would tell me I have $25 in late fees (I’m very irresponsible and a slow reader). When I pulled out my debit card, insistent to pay because I want to support this institution that has helped me and many other people, they’d go, ‘Eh don’t worry about it. Here’s your slip, bring these back in two weeks.’ This is great news for us accelerated readers.

“Shelfani” getting hitched

Oklahoma’s favorite celebrity couple officially filed for marriage in Johnston County earlier this week. It will be interesting to see which county they chose to file their divorce paperwork in a couple of years.

Spencer Rattler has a terrifying logo

With the NCAA finally opening the NIL floodgates earlier this week, high-profile college football stars like Spencer Rattler released PR driven statements letting us know they don’t care about the money. He also unleashed a scary logo.

Regardless of what your thoughts are on the logo, the real question is – Which OU Athlete should we hire to be a spokesperson for The Lost Ogle? I vote for Spencer Jones.

The OKC Lifeguard Situation is Fucked

As someone who has never learned how to swim and has zero interest in anything other than wading in the water, I can still understand the appeal of wanting to be a lifeguard. It’s a good job as a teenager to catch a tan, meet girls, and be a hero. But apparently the market is drying up, like every other industry because people are saying, ‘Wait, work sucks and you’re screwing me over.’

It’s still a very important job, one that saves lives. This didn’t occur at a public pool, but a young man drowned in Deer Creek this week. I might be going to a pool party on ID4, but ya boi don’t got no sea legs and will be staying in the shallow end.

Here’s Your OKC ID4 Fireworks Locations

We’re hopefully not gonna see any alien invasions on this weekend’s Independence Day. Well, maybe that would actually be cool, as long as they’re the chill aliens you would see on Spencer’s Gifts posters wearing Dr. Seuss hats saying, ‘Take me to your dealer.’

I’m mostly curious about what the Frontier City bone yard is. It sounds incredibly horny. Is it the Wildcat, but like the scene from Fear (1996) where Mark Wahlberg fingered Reese Witherspoon on a rollercoaster?

Weird Horny People Commit Robbery To Buy Weed

Look, I’m 100% on board for sex workers. It’s totally okay to pay and get paid to be horny or help horny people get their rocks off as long as it is safe and consensual. But ya gotta have your boundaries and using a site like OnlyFans to mug and rob your clients, that ain’t right. This couple allegedly did just that to take somebody’s money and buy weed with it.

Also, the woman’s name is Rose Hosseinigoshaghani, and I will give anyone a rose on their nose if they can accomplish completing that at a spelling bee.

Mayor McSelfie Is Still Very Beloved

David Holt’s popularity has become a strange and stunning cult of personality. Over the course of his tenure, I’ve contended that it’s because he’s tall and has a nice smile and the human equivalent of mayonnaise. People forget that he’s a conservative because he’s residing under MAPS projects that were enacted before he was elected. On his social media, any comment that says ‘BEST MAYOR EVER,’ he’ll reply, but if you give real criticism that is thoughtful and not mean, ya gonna get left on read.

Another banner week for Oklahoma Law Enforcement

It seems like every week or so some Oklahoma cop gets arrested for doing something stupid. In this case it was stealing drugs and other stuff from an evidence room. It makes you wonder – considering they work in law enforcement, shouldn’t cops be better at stealing stuff without getting caught?

Holy Shit No Grocery Tax?!?

Okay, to begin with, having a bipartisan agreement in this state and the entire United States of America blows my mind. But if this passes, it could be a big one.

As a kid, we’d visit my dad’s family every year in Wisconsin, and it blew my mind that I could walk to the gas station and buy a Little Debbie’s snack cake for a quarter. Not a quarter and some change, just twenty-five cents. We’d go to the bookstore and I’d buy a magazine. Guess what: NO TAX.

Meanwhile, all our massive oil companies who rape the planet get tax breaks left and right. It’s a fun government.

Anyways, if you’re vaxxed up, I hope you get to enjoy America’s #1 imperialist holiday weekend with your friends, and if you’re not, enjoy your hospital visit.

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4 Responses

  1. OKC likes its Republican mayor? That’s just shocking! (I thought that Mayor Holt was a baritone.)

    Everyone eats, so most of our sales tax on groceries falls on the not-so-wealthy among us. That’s why our state has a rare-in-America sales tax on groceries. Meanwhile our Legislature whittles away our personal income tax and is on the edge of doing away with our corporate income tax. Why? Because those taxes hit the hardest at those among us who ARE wealthy. It’s very simple when you think about it.

    Don’t forget that in many small towns, the city sales tax collected from local sales of groceries at Walmart or a single grocery store is all that keeps the town afloat financially. So I don’t see the grocery sales tax going away any time soon.

    Clearly you don’t have to be very bright to work for a small-town police or sheriff department in Oklahoma. But dumb enough to get addicted to meth, so that you have to steal it from the evidence room? We’re in worse trouble than we imagine with our Thin Blue Line. (When caught, the alleged perp gets suspended WITH PAY! That’ll teach him!)

    I hope that Spencer “the Snake” Rattler is smarter than he looks in that “image and likeness” that he chose to represent himself. If he isn’t, his focus on grades had better be intense.

    Get robbed at a sex-for-money OnlyFans meetup? Stupid is as stupid does.

    1. Cops who do meth form the Thin Blue Line; those who prefer donuts comprise the Pudgy Blue Line.

  2. College athletes can make money on name, image and likeness. But they’re still not sharing the millions of dollars their talents earn for those “educational institutions.” Still free labor.

    1. Too true. It’s interesting that the schools cannot pay the athletes but Nike, et al can. So then does this mean less will go to the schools? Lincoln Riley might need a part-time job at Home Depot. And how about the third string right tackle? Rattler gets big bucks, he gets nothing but works just as hard. Oh well, life’s a bitch, then you die.

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