Patrick’s Friday News Round-Up (4)

I hope everyone had an incredible week and didn't catch any viruses!

The band providing this week's news round-up soundtrack is Protomartyr. They're an experimental post-punk act out of Detroit that, just like last week's band, features a heavy dose of poetic, spoken-word style vocals.

Their music video for the track "Processed By The Boys" is a weirdly intoxicating work of late-night Adult Swim-style art. Directed by an indie video comedy collective, it parodies a weird Brazilian TV show that became a meme, and warns of everyone being "hunted by a smile" while "being processed by the boys." The song also features a great clarinet solo.

Anyway, each Friday I like to take a look at some of the news stories, oddities and other local stuff I was too lazy and unmotivated (a.k.a. "busy") to cover this week. Here's my weekend news round-up!

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Takeout Cocktails Are Finally Here!

It looks like The Mont is using discarded orange juice bottles as the takeout cup for their famous Swirl, which makes me wonder – What's Edna's going to do??? Ordering a Lunch Box to take home makes as much sense as getting a to-go rootbeer from Coit's in 1999. The whole point is the frosted mug! That being said, Cock O' The Walk should have a pretty easy time adjusting. They just need to put a lid on the styrofoam cup holding their Club Special and it's all good to go.

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Following the news, ticket sales skyrocketed!

That's weird. Out of all the viruses, bacteria and parasites you can catch at Rocklahoma, you'd think the Coronavirus would be the least of their concern.

We wish Rocklahoma the best of luck in finding a replacement act. I'd say they go the local route and hire Hinder. I know it's short notice, but I bet Hibdon's will give the guys the weekend off to practice and perform. They could also book My So Called 90s Cover Band. They'll play anywhere for the right price.

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Ogle in need of Ogle

This would be like someone with the last name Traber asking if anyone had contacts on how to break in a baseball mitt.

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Ree Drummond to star in Hallmark-style Christmas Movie

We like to give Ree a hard time for being privileged, fake and exploiting her fantasy life to its fullest, but this is pretty cool. She'll have produce placement opportunities galore, and we'll have something new to cover and make fun of! I don't want to give away any spoilers, but I've heard the movie ends with the young woman adopting a basset hound and opening up Peppermint Hollow's first mercantile.

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Covidiots protest Edmond Public Schools effort to protect students

If you ask me, the best part of Summer 2021 was not being bombarded with daily news stories about Covidiot parents protesting masks in schools. Now, thanks to the selfish, stupid and unvaccinated, those stories are back in full force.

Just like algebra, I don't know if I can handle another semester of these stories. Christmas break better get here fast.

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Soccer referee attempts to live out every ref's fantasy 

I'm not one to promote or encourage violence, but give this guy credit for having the guts to live out every soccer ref's non-threesome fantasy. There are only so many times a person can handle a 45-year-old soccer mom yelling "Offsides, ref!!! Offsides!!!" at them before they snap. He'll have a lot of time to think about it while in jail.

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Great news for people who want to run over protestors! 

The effort to put a state question on the ballot that would overturn our state's controversial law that gives people the personal freedom to run over protestors in the name of safety has come up short. It may be a blessing in disguise for organizers. It would suck to spend all that time and energy to get the question on the ballot only to watch it lose by a 60% - 40% margin in the election.

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On the topic of running people over...

Question - If we have a law that allows us to run over peaceful protesters, shouldn't we have one that lets us run over people who shut down roads and highways so they can spin donuts?

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Entitled Oklahoma Sheriff Gets Salty Over Traffic Stop

In all fairness to the sheriff, I'd be upset too if I thought I was above the law. How dare another cop do his job and treat people equally and fairly. Doesn't he know he could have ruined that Sheriff's life?

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If you have any unvaccinated friends, I'd encourage you to share this video with them. I doubt it will change their mind, or convince them to get a vaccine, but it will be nice for them to have an idea of what it will be like to die from Covid this fall.

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Anyway, that concludes this roundup. Have a nice weekend!