Report: Stitt Finally Does The Right Thing

1,039 days after he was inaugurated, Kevin Stitt has finally made a correct decision as Governor!

Earlier today, he defied his hardcore stick-it-to-the-libs political dogma, and in a rare move that showed compassion, logic, and went against the death wishes of his Derplahoman voter base, announced he is commuting Julius Jones’s death sentence to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Here are the details via a press release:

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A Few Executive Orders Stitt Hopes to Sign Before Thanksgiving!

While Gov. Kevin Stitt sits in his multi-million-dollar Edmond abode and prays to Republican Jesus to give him the strength to fully focus on the execution of Julius Jones, he’s apparently had a couple of free moments to sign a few executive orders recently, including blocking the state from issuing birth certificates with an “X” […]

Don’t Kill Julius

In the Summer of 1999, I had just been ghosted by my girlfriend. As soon as we both headed home from OSU, she just stopped returning my calls. With my plans of Summer romance curtailed, I channeled the hurt and confusion into exercise, pledging to return to Stillwater yolked up in a way that would make her question why she’d given up on me. Or something, it wasn’t a well-crafted plan.

 

It was with that goal in mind that I got in my car that late July afternoon and while driving down my parents’ street toward my gym, I saw a team of officers carrying the largest guns I’ve ever seen outside of a movie. The sight of a Red Ryder bb gun is enough to make me feel physically ill, so I did not do the looky-loo thing that many in my position would try. Instead, I continued my path to the Northside Y and tried to put it out of my mind.

 

About an hour later I was taking a break between sets to casually watch the Wheel of Fortune episode being shown on one of the televisions in the cardio area. Just as someone was about to solve the puzzle, the local news broke into programming, something that usually only happens if a tornado is on the way. Instead, it was an announcement that the OKC Police had issued a request for information on the whereabouts of Julius Darius Jones.

 

This caught me by surprise. Until then, I’d never known my classmate’s middle name.

 

Double Dip: I Braved Nichols Hills for Some Soup Soup

I very rarely travel to Nichols Hills and when I do, almost never eat there. Growing up, it was always the part of the city that you never drove through, lest you’re pulled over by their questionable law enforcement and are never heard from again. It’s a lot like Valley Brook, with zero chances of […]