Hope you packed your SPF 1,000,000 sunscreen because it looks like this might be the hottest summer on record since, at the very least, 1945. With blustering blowhards who carry nuclear launch codes in their front jacket pocket engaging in worldwide pissing contests, let’s be pessimistically honest: chances are we’re all going to be immolated in a blinding ball of atomic fury within the next few weeks.
Say goodbye to your loved ones while you can and get down to that faulty storm shelter under the house, loaded with enough Jim Bakker Fiesta Food Buckets to ride out the wave of mutilation as your skin sloughs off and you cough your lungs out in a fit of massive radiation poisoning that might as well be the home version of The Day After, where everyone’s a winner!
When that moment does come, however, and the electro-magnetic pulse seals those sliding doors, turning wherever you are into a living tomb and the blinding flash of Hellfire resulting in a sad fact and even sadder fate that you might have to choose between banding with survivors or going rogue and eating them. After much deliberation without hibernation, here’s five Metro areas where I feel we might have the best chance for post-nuke survival, common morals be damned. ¡Cómpralo ya!
Academy Sporting Goods