A couple of years ago, TLO editor Patrick gave me $20 and sent me to the outskirts of town to write an article about fireworks. When I did, it was met with resounding jeers, leading many readers to not only publicly question my mostly hetero sexuality, but basic manhood as well for what was apparently considered a weaker-than-weak selection of patriotism-based explosives.
That’s Oklahoma for you.
Lesson learned, when I was asked to write about fireworks this year, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake. Carrying just a little over $750 in dirty cash, a loaded .45 hidden under the driver’s seat and a case of trucker’s strength Mini-Thins, I spent the past weekend combing the dusty backroads of Oklahoma, stopping at hush-hush fireworks stands in towns that don’t even have names, making deals in shady backrooms with shadier men for, as one procurer told me, “the shit they don’t even have in Mexico yet.”
And with that, at a great cost to my life and liberty, here are five of the best illegal fireworks, barely available on the black market and attained only through the most life-threatening of means, some of which included paying off numerous small-town redneck sheriffs, becoming the short-lived kingpin of a clandestine cockfighting ring and smuggling a few cases of Coors across state lines, all done in an effort to help you, the reader, sexually overcompensate and feel like a real Goddamned man in the comments section. ¡Cómpralo ya!
The Red-Headed Kid Down the Street Who Hurts Animals