5 types of Oklahomans who should be banned from social media

We’re coming off of one helluva week. Y’all saw the news, no need to recap one of the most bonkers things that happened in our lifetimes.

One of the funniest (and most overdue) developments was seeing our sitting president get banned from half of the internet. Trump has been lobbing dog-whistle grenades for years and finally is seeing punishment. The rest of his term will probably be a trainwreck of anger and revenge, but it’s nice to see social media finally do the right thing.

This made me think about Oklahoma social media and who needs to be banished. Here’s my list:

Mayor Holt Simps

The 5 Most Agenda-Worthy Plants at Marcum’s Nursery

Over the weekend, we received a flood of reports that Monty Marcum – one of the privileged guys who inherited Marcum’s Nursery from his parents – was an enthusiastic attendee of last week’s big Overthrow American Democracy rally in DC. Here’s a pic:

The news has taken off on social media, leading to hundreds, if not thousands, of anti-insurrectionists, leaving negative reviews on social media, and claiming they’ll be purchasing petunias from a more-sane, less revolutionary plant shop.

That being said, I’d like to reach out with an olive branch of sorts and freely offer my services in renaming and rebranding some of his bestsellers to fit his recently ill-advised outing as a flag-worshipping son of the old red, white and blue, free of charge, of course. As a matter of fact, here’s a few I’ve already came up with…

TLO Caption Contest: Markwayne Mullin

There have been a lot of iconic images making the rounds following Wednesday’s bizarre attempted siege of the US Capitol.

From Captain Caveman doing his thing, to the super happy guy waltzing around with a podium, to Generic Trump Supporter Model 105A kicking up his feet on Pelosi’s desk, but for many Oklahomans, the image we’ll all remember is tough-guy Congressman Markwayne Mullin cowering in fear after trying to reason with the mob of crazed individuals he’s courted and enabled over the years, and deep down, probably sides with.

You’ve seen it right?

It got me thinking, maybe we should have a good old-fashioned TLO caption contest for this photo. This is because:

A. It seems like a fun, engaging exercise.

B. On Tuesday night, I developed a fever, chills and stomach ache that felt like someone inflated a balloon in my stomach and then punched my belly repeatedly like I was King Hippo. By Wednesday morning, I was so sick and fatigued I could barely get out of bed. In fact, I actually slept through the early rounds of the capitol riots! Yesterday, I worked up enough energy to go to urgent care to get checked out, and after poking and prodding me and running tests, they sent me to the ER to get a CT scan. Yada yada yada, blah blah blah, I’m now at home loaded up on antibiotics and pain pills to treat a condition called Acute Diverticulitis. Long story short – I don’t feel like doing a lot of working or thinking today, and a caption contest is an easy way to mail it in.

Anyway, I guess leave your caption in the comments below. The best one will receive a $25 Gift Certificate to Mullin Plumbing – The Red Rooter.

7 Bible verses we’ll probably see Oklahoma politicians tweet this week…

Yesterday’s attack on Capitol Hill by a pro-Trump mob seems to have been nothing short of an act of domestic terrorism. Many of the attackers appeared to have been trying to stop the certification of Biden’s win and intimidate congress members. The severity of the insurrection became even more apparent when pipe bombs were found outside of both the Republican and Democratic National Committee headquarters. The rioting led to a delay in the Electoral College count, which, after hours of upheaval, eventually officially named Biden the president-elect.

While most of Oklahoma’s congress members have claimed that the results of the 2020 election are due to widespread voter fraud and that they would be challenging the Electoral College vote, not one has voiced support for the insurgence on social media. Instead, here are 7 bible verses we’re probably going to see our lawmakers tweet this week.

Right-Wing Nuts Storm the US Capitol in the Name of Trump!

As I write this sometime in the late hours of Wednesday night, right-wing politicos like Tucker Carlson and Sarah Palin are all over Fox News, telling their viewership that the disgusting level of “taking back America” that we saw from Trump worshippers were, in fact, “Antifa in disguise” and so on.

But, as many of us watched the outright declaration of Republican-led subversion unfold that Wednesday afternoon, we knew what was really going down and, sadly, I can’t write that most of us didn’t expect it to occur.

News 9 shows b-roll footage of wrong black guy in profile on new OK County Sheriff…

We’d like to give a happy TLO welcome to new Oklahoma County Sheriff Tommie Johnson III!

He was officially sworn into office yesterday, and in doing so, became the first Black man to serve as Oklahoma County Sheriff. Knowing what we know about racism in our state and country – especially when it has to do with law enforcement–  it’s a historic event, and represents a twinkle of progress in today’s still-chaotic, seemingly apocalyptic times.

Naturally, KWTV News 9 was on the scene and on the story and sent Kelsey Kernstine into the Oklahoma wind to document the historic occasion. They aired this report on the 5pm news that, for some reason, includes a good chunk of footage of Wayland Cubit – the black man who faced Johnson in the 2020 election.

Check this out:

Stitt appoints “Hot Wife Chloe” guy as new General Counsel

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt has added to his crack legal team!

On New Year’s Eve – the best day of the year to dump news you’d rather people not see – Kevin Stitt announced he hired our old pal Jason Reese as his new general counsel.

In case you forgot, we made Jason internet famous back in 2017 when we discovered he included a porn video titled “HotWife Chloe Needs To Be Punished” on a campaign expense report back when he ran for a seat in the Oklahoma legislature. Remember that:

7 reasons Kevin Stitt wants to keep the COVID-19 Task Force report a secret…

Last week, our esteemed Governor, Kevin Stitt, announced that the state will no longer be publishing the White House Coronavirus Task Force’s weekly report, which usually includes individualized recommendations for states to best handle the goddang global pandemic that I’m still pissed didn’t magically disappear at midnight on the 31st.

While Stitt alluded to reducing redundancy in publishing national COVID-19 statistics as the reason he decided to decline the reports, we think there’s more to it than that. Here are the 7 real reasons why Governor Stitt wants to keep the COVID-19 reports secret!

The White House Officials are being mean to him