Although lots of people in central Oklahoma have already fraudulently voted in tomorrow’s primary via mail-in ballot, I thought it would prudent to go ahead and rank the 9 Republicans who are vying to unseat Congresswoman Kendra Horn as the 5th District’s congressional rep in the November election.
I’m doing this for a couple of reasons:
1. It’s always fun to spoof and make fun of right-wing weirdos and goofballs who have differing political views,
2. Based on our 2018 rankings of Oklahoma’s gubernatorial candidates, there’s a 20% chance one of these people will be arrested on either attempted-murder or murder-for-hire charges, and/or, devise policies that lead to more deaths during a pandemic.
Anyway, here’s a very scientific ranking of the 9 GOP Candidates for Oklahoma’s 5th Congressional District. Check them out:
9. David Hill
Coming in last place in our rankings is David Hill, son of Tom of House Kimray, vassal to Lord Harold Hamm of Continental Resources.
Hill has some slick and fancy ads touting him as some job-creating businessman, but what these ads fail to mention is that a huge chunk of his “success” is due to privilege and nepotism. The dude was born on third base with zero outs, and Ruth, Mantle and Bonds next in the batting order. His father literally gave him control of the family’s oil field equipment manufacturing company, KimRay, back in 2009. Now, for some reason, he’s no longer involved with the company. If you can’t make it in the family business, how can you survive in Washington?
Actually, considering he’d be working for the oil overlords, and basically doing their bidding, he’d survive way too well.
8. Jake Merrick
Jake’s a typical conservative, family man who owns a small business, goes to church, and argues about vaccine rights on the Internet. I clicked on Jake’s Facebook profile to learn more about his thoughts, opinions and other extreme views. As I scrolled down to photos, this is what I saw: