It is that late hour of the autumn afternoon, when the dusk comes early and daylight creases into a greasy smudge. Sunlight hazes between the clouds and blue chiffon dining room curtains, leaving the outside looking dim through tall windows. Candelabra bulbs flush the room with their 25 watt fluorescence, illuminating porcelain dishes piled high with candied yams and buttered rolls that glisten on the oaken table underneath.
The party members loiter about. As with many house gatherings, especially before a meal is served, the kitchen grows ever more crowded. Dion fidgets and begs for the mashed potatoes as Serge, standing some 7’10” in his high white toque, patiently adds the cream and butter while cursing angrily in French at Waiters’ general direction. Steven is pouring more scotch whisky for Nick and himself, the two dressed warm in tacky woolen sweaters, sharing a laugh while the other big-man Enes pretends he gets the jokes and bellows along.
One by one, dishes are hurriedly bussed to the long dinner table, and the large group of tall men ambles over in hurried expectation. The plump turkey, steaming from its brining and subsequent slow-cooking for hours and hours, sits at the far end near the windows whose lights are rapidly dimming and providing a dramatic fuchsia and rouge Oklahoma sunset.
Kevin and Russell stand side-by-side with carving knife and fork in hand, wearing matching white aprons that read ‘Foul The Chef.’ The murmurs of anticipation reach a guttural peak, and without a word the two turkey carvers drop their chins and close their eyes. The room quickly silences.
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Maybe. This week, the media-maven fear-mongers at KFOR finally learned about the threat of a massive earthquake could strike at any minute and kill every single one of us:
Oklahoma is no longer known as the state where the wind comes sweeping down the plains. Now, the Sooner State also leads the world in seismic activity.
This year, more than 5, 000 earthquakes have been recorded and studied in our state. Residents have become accustomed to the little shaking, rattling and rolling.
However, experts say earthquakes in Oklahoma will likely increase in magnitude over time.
Now, research said it’s only a matter of time before we get a big one that will change life for those of us living here.
“This is what happens when you get rid of the Ten Commandments,” says your Aunt at Thanksgiving.
Inbetween interviewing elderly people about their very minor structural damage, thankfully the report finds time to contact a member of the “hydrogeophysics community”—if that’s even a real thing—who surely will provide us with some balm in Gilead. Continued…
Without a doubt, Blackout Wednesday is every suburban 20something’s favorite holiday of the year. You know that special night before Thanksgiving, where everyone from your hometown gathers at the bar that looked really cool when you were a teen (but actually sucks), throws down some cold ones, and a de facto reunion commences.
This goes without saying, but it’s going be awkward. Someone’s going to accidentally insult your line of work. You’re going to reminisce about some awesome party that person you’re talking to wasn’t invited to. Someone’s going to dramatically condescend the people who “got sucked into staying here” and I’m going to defensively assert “Tulsa is awesome you pretentious POS!!” for the fourth year in a row. Don’t worry, it’s all a part of the weekend’s charm.
The other great thing about this weekend is running into stock characters from your high school. Grown up life really isn’t all that different, except instead of jocks, band dorks, and hippies, you’ve got a whole new set of archetypes to contend with. Let me break them down for you.
1. The Newly Minted Rich Person. Whether they invented an iPhone app, opened a string of yoga studios in the suburbs, or inherited a flourishing revenue source from their spouse, you’re certain to run into an old friend who suddenly has the means to roll up in a RangeRo and buy every peasant in the bar a toast of Dom Perignon. When you comment on their Christian Louboutin shoes or Rolex, they beam with pride and utter “this old thing?” or something equally awkward. They’ll request your group’s Uber ride home despite surge pricing, rather than wait five extra minutes for a Lyft instead. They’ll wake up the next morning, see their Uber receipt, and won’t panic.
Growing up, we all knew a kid who snitched. Maybe it was that weiner at school who told the teacher you brought ninja stars for the unofficial playground show’n’tell. Or perhaps it was a sibling that just had to tell your parents about how they saw you smoking a Black & Mild in the ditch behind your house. Whoever they were, it is a 100% fact that they grew up to be a cop or an assistant manager or some other position that makes you feel uncomfortable to jaywalk around them without getting turned in.
But no matter how bad you got snitched on back then, there’s a little girl out there who has a future job as a mall cop.
Tulsa World reports:
I would like to start this post by stating that I know nothing of fashion. In fact, I don’t care much for clothing or shopping for it. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I want to live in a world where I can just wear the same pair of Levi’s every single day with the same hoodie. Unfortunately, jobs bring dress codes, and dress codes often bring on fashion choices we totally wouldn’t make under any other circumstance. Shelby Hayes probably knows this better than anyone.
According to TechInsider:
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