I love Oklahoma. I also love to hate Oklahoma. We are surrounded by people who claim no one has “common sense” and then order a Diet Coke to go with their quadruple quarter pounder with cheese and bacon. Sometimes these people get on Facebook and post stuff to our local news stations. I thought it would be fun to go through some of those posts and answer their questions on TLO, since they aren’t getting a response from the people who run the Facebook pages.
We have a lot of good ones, so let’s get to it! First up we have KFOR’s page:
Misty, rain is just water that falls from the sky. There is no need to cancel plans, you can just work around the rain. You can hunt for Easter eggs inside! Or perhaps you don’t know how weather forecasting works. Also, why the hell are you staying up for storms? If the winds blow something over, then what? You’d have to cancel your plans? Lord knows how big of a hassle that is. I would suggest that you stop being controlled by the weather and live your life. If you’re so damned good at predicting the weather, why are you watching professionals? I’m sorry if that was a bit harsh, but Misty also defended Mary Fallin’s decision to ban the minimum wage increase on a different post.
Playoff season is in full swing, so many of us are cashing in our tax refunds or life savings to catch a game or two live from the Thunderdome. Unfortunately, when you get tens of thousands of people together, you’re bound to come across some douches who threaten to ruin your good time.
I’ve compiled a list of some of these said douches that you might encounter. It’s important that you read this list, not just for a laugh, but to make sure that you yourself are not one of these people that everyone else hates.
Let’s get to it.
1. The Shrill Screamer
Chesapeake is known for its audience participation. We chant, we stand until the Thunder scores its first point, we boo when refs make terrible calls. I love how animated our fans are, it’s part of what makes the Thunder experience so awesome.
What I cannot get onboard with though is the chick with the unreasonably high-pitched voice who will stand directly behind you and scream at the top of her lungs throughout the entire game. At the playoff game I went to last weekend, the 12 year old girls behind me screeched at the top of their lungs over and over again, as if they had just seen a spider or the shadow of Ibaka’s junk. They weren’t ever shouting words, they were just screaming over and over again, as if they were just shrieking for the sake of being loud. As my eardrums rattled, I couldn’t help but try to figure out a way I could punch two children and make it look like an accident. Meanwhile, their parents didn’t do a damn thing and just let them be menacing terrors to the entire section. Actually, I should have figured out how to punch the parents.
2. The Selfie Seeker
This bozo is far more interested in letting all of his friends and acquaintances know that they’re at the game via Instagram/Facebook/Twitter/Snapchat than they are in watching the game.
Beware: they’ll probably ask you to take a picture of them and their friends right as something important is about to happen.
There are a lot of things you can put on a list titled “you know you grew up in Oklahoma if…” The thing that should top that list is “…you know you grew up in Oklahoma.” Seriously. You shouldn’t need a list to tell you these things.
But second is that all-important rite of passage. And no, I’m not talking about breaking into the haunted orphanage in Guthrie that is apparently now a wedding venue or jumping off the waterfall at Turner Falls, which apparently you can no longer do. I’m talking about that one glorious day in elementary school where you dress like Laura Ingalls Wilder and rig up your Radio Flyer so you can celebrate stealing land.
My memories of re-enacting the Oklahoma Land Rush of 1889 in the fourth grade at Edmond’s John Ross elementary included harrowing moments like being accused of being a sooner and having to share my wagon with the booger eater in the class. But the same type of reenactment in Mustang yesterday was a little more harrowing. According to KFOR.com:
Did you know since the 1970s it’s been illegal for Oklahoma utility companies to charge extra fees to customers who use solar or wind energy at their home or business? Yes, it’s true. Under Oklahoma law, you can literally install solar panels on your property, use the energy they create to power most of your home, and then sell the excess clean energy you don’t use back to the utility company during peak hours. And guess what, the utilities can’t charge you an additional dime for it. What a racket, huh? Those utility companies that have a bunch of Os and Gs in their names sure are screwed.
Well, until now.
Fortunately for all of us, one brave Oklahoma lawmaker noticed that totally outlandish, unfair law and decided to do something about it. Mike Turner, the trust fund baby who eats his own eye boogers and wants to ban marriage, recently sponsored SB 1456, which gives utilities the right to impose fees – or what Judge Roberts may consider a tax – on selfish, game-rigging assholes who generate their own clean solar energy. You know, because that’s a concern we all stay up late thinking about.
Turner’s legislation sailed through the House and Senate and was signed into law yesterday by Mary Fallin. Now, thanks to our Republican-controlled legislature and Governor, Oklahoma utility companies will finally be playing on a level playing field with the asshole who wants to put some panels on his roof.
Bill may raise utility fees
Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin signed a bill Monday that would allow regulated electric utilities to establish a new customer class for users of rooftop solar panels or small wind turbines.
In signing Senate Bill 1456, Fallin also took the rare step of issuing an executive order directing its implementation.
SB 1456 would allow electric utilities to apply to the Oklahoma Corporation Commission to establish a higher base customer charge for users of rooftop solar or small wind turbines. The higher fixed charge would be used to recover some of the infrastructure costs to safely send excess electricity back to the grid.
Of course, this extremely logical legislation that benefits the people (and natural gas companies) and discourages use of clean, pollution free, solar power has drawn the ire of the liberal, solar panel loving elitist national media. Blogs, message boards and even MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow have chimed in to criticize what I’m now calling the The Oklahoma Utility Equality Act:
Professional soccer makes its return to Oklahoma City this Saturday night when the OKC Energy takes on the Orlando City Epcot or Lions (one of the two) in the home opener. The match kicks off at 7:00pm at the comfy confines of Pribil Stadium, or as the cool kids like to call it, The Prib.
I’m pretty excited about the match. On a scale of 1 – 5, I’m about a Level 2 soccer fan. I follow the World Cup, UEFA Cup, and just about any competition that features the USA, but I still call the sport soccer. I also watch English Premier League matches. In fact, I even tried to become a fan of Newcastle United following the 2006 World Cup. The experiment didn’t work, but at least I tried. And yes, I picked them because of the beer.
In addition to all that, I’m now an Oklahoma City Energy season ticket holder. Yes, after coming to grips with the name, I broke down and bought some season tickets. Now I just need to figure out how offsides works.
Anyway, because this is what I do for a living, I thought I’d share 10 reasons why you should be like me a get Oklahoma City Energy season tickets. Here we go:
1. You’re an fledgling local blogger who doesn’t mind selling out to corporate interests
Okay, before we get too deep into this, I should probably clarify that the Oklahoma City Energy is an advertiser on The Lost Ogle and pretty much every other website in town. Seriously, way to go Internet Advertising Manager for the Oklahoma City Energy! I can’t visit any website, mine included, without thinking of you guys. Like a vuvuzela, that’s incredibly brilliant and obnoxious. Let’s hope the team on the field is as dedicated to winning as you are booking ads. Go Energy!
2. It will irritate Regular Jim Traber
The only thing Jim Traber hates more than soccer is a Jenni Carlson column. Since I would never recommend reading a Jenni Carlson column, going to a soccer game is the best way to irritate the Ultimate.
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