As I read Louis Fowler’s piece “What $20 Will Get You at an Oklahoma Fireworks Stand,” I realized there is a job that doesn’t receive any credit or respect, yet our Independence Day would suffer without them. We should all shake the hand and thank a true American hero, the firecracker namer.
Fourth of July vernacular is unlike anything else. Hell, they are primarily the reason you buy half of your firecrackers. M-60s, Black Cats and Filet-O-Flames. Think about that last one. It’s as if someone brings you a plate of food, but surprise, it’s fire! Also, thanks to Mr. Fowler for introducing me to the term “El Paso Knobjobbers.” I don’t think that phrase made it to northeast Arkansas.
Seriously, would “small rotating object that sprints forward and creates high pitched noise” be as enticing as “Whistlin’ Chasers?” Anyways, thank you firecracker namer for making our July 4th that much more special.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town…
The 4th of July is coming up and what better way to celebrate than in the E.R. consoling a 4-year-old who’s hand has just been blown apart by a fistful of Randy Dandies, as my trashy neighbors did last year. That’s what America is all about.
Yes, explosives from the tiniest snapper to the biggest bomber capture the patriotic awe and jingoistic shock as we recreate the American bid for independence from Europe by lighting up Chinese-made firecrackers and going to town in a spectacular recreation of the battles fought therein. Happy birthday, United States! (It’s our birthday, right?)
TLO editor Patrick thought that it would be fun to send me to the edge of town and smuggle back in some of the top of the line, totes primo explosives, maybe even scoring some of the classics like Tijuana Toilet Cleaners, Flaming Dragon Biscuits, or everyone’s favorite, the Beverley Hills Chihuahua. With a strict budget of $20, that was more than enough, right?
Some people believe that animals come to us as omens. For example, my dog comes to me as an omen that she will pee on the floor if I don’t let her out. The possum that chased me in a parking lot in broad daylight was an omen that there is probably a rabies outbreak in my area. Spiders build webs up in the corners of my ceiling as an omen that I should probably dust more often. And my neighbor’s cat appearing in my yard is generally an omen that my herb garden will be torn up within the hour.
But these are all very average and everyday omens. They’re pretty simple to understand. What about the bigger and weirder and more ominous omens? Like this direwolf in Choctaw! According to KFOR:
When you look at image above, what do you see? An ugly brown door? A disorganized shelf? Painful memories from childhood?
Well, according to Ali Meyer with the KFOR, you’re actually looking at Jesus Christ:
Earlier this week, a woman from Mexico made international news when she inadvertently burned the image of Jesus Christ in a tortilla.
After that story aired, an Oklahoma man called KFOR-TV with a similar story; an image he’s kept to himself for eight years.
Bud Claxton’s house was built in the 1970s. The original closet doors are still up in the master bedroom.
About eight years ago, Bud Claxton and his wife were in an argument when he looked up at his closet door and saw the image of Jesus Christ.
“It’s definitely strange. I gotta admit,” said Claxton. “I opened my eyes and my eyes were focused right on him. I jumped out of the recliner, and I told my wife, ‘This looks like Jesus!’”
That’s hysterical. Let’s give Bud credit for finding a new way to get out of a Honey Do list:
“When are you going to put up the new doors! I feel like I live in the home of a serial killer!”
“Okay, okay, I’ll get to it tomorrow. But Wait! Look! Jesus!”
Seriously, kudos to this guy. The next time one of my girlfriends tells me to do the dishes I’m going to say “Hey, look, is that Ira Glass in the mashed potatoes?”
See, that’s funny because one of my girlfriends really likes Ira Glass. Her name is Beverley.
Anyway, in case you’re normal like me, there’s a good chance you don’t see anything in the door other than cheap fake wood paneling from the 1970s, much less the son of God. To see Jesus, you actually have to look at the door from a certain angle, because as we all know, Jesus is very cryptic and shy and always likes to make things difficult.
Here’s a clearer picture:
After writing my plea to the world about why the Davenport Lofts would be bad for Tulsa’s downtown, it occurred to me that I may have been a little unfair. In case you missed out, there are plans to build half-a-million dollar per unit luxury lofts in the heart of the Brady Arts entertainment district in downtown Tulsa, just a stone’s thrown away from the most concentrated music district in the state. According to Davenport Lofts’ website and construction site banner, these high priced lofts were conceived with empty-nest baby boomers in mind, and are marketed almost exclusively to that target audience. As you can imagine, patrons of these bars and concert venues are concerned that lifestyle of many of the development’s dwellers will naturally conflict with the loud and rowdy vibe that the area is home to.
Although that prospect makes total sense to me, there are members of the building’s target audience who have spoken and basically said “damn kids, quityerbellyaching and get a job.” Another smaller but still vocal group within the building’s intended market has come out and said “hush children, we invented partying, your fun is not endangered.” There’s also a number of young, upwardly-mobile professionals who believe that all and any of development is the good kind, and/or enjoy checking Facebook regularly to see if anyone has responded to their argument thread.
Like any good obscure local social media blogger, I decided to explore the opposing side of the argument–gain a little perspective from the other side of the fence. Here are my findings.
1. Only non-influential people in Tulsa are opposed to Davenport Lofts.
If you read through the comments on the petition, it quickly becomes apparent that most people passionately against this development are local musicians, accountants, bartenders, teachers, waitresses, realtors, lawyers, nurses, artists, engineers, baristas, yoga instructors, chefs, photographers, oil and gas analysts, and small restaurant, shop, and food truck owners. In fact, I haven’t heard a peep from any city council members, development groups, the mayor, or even Hanson! Obviously, if this was a legitimate concern for the good citizens of Tulsa, a big name or face surely be involved by now. Despite the fact that most of these public figures have politics motivating them, these are the true authority figures in Tulsa and we should all follow their lead by staying neutral on this.
2. Davenport Lofts will obstruct the view of that ugly Cain’s sign.
The six-story building will easily tower over all the buildings in the district, including the historic Cain’s Ballroom. It shouldn’t be a big deal though. That sign looks like it’s 100 years old. Of course, it practically is 100 years old. I know that it helps people who aren’t familiar with downtown navigate through the one-way roads and make their way to the historic landmark for a concert. But now is our chance to finally eclipse it!
3. Speaking of concerts, maybe we’ll finally get some good musicians at Cain’s!
I’m talking some Michael Buble, Josh Groban, and all those other smooth singers my parents love!
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