Here’s a fun fact for you.  The original title of the Ewok-infested “Return of the Jedi” was actually “Revenge of the Jedi,” but just a few weeks before the movie was to be released, George Lucas changed the name.  The reason?  He didn’t feel revenge was a Jedi concept.

Well, apparently Jedi OKC member Ryan McKinley is either a really bad Jedi Knight or the club’s equivalent of Chancellor Palpatine, because revenge is what he seeks.  Check out the real email he sent to our loyal advertisers in response to our Jedi OKC Meeting Minutes post:

My name is Ryan, and I live in Edmond.  In Oct. 2009, one of your advertising outlets, “The Lost Ogle”, posted a cruel article about a local community service group.  The group, JediOKC, uses Star Wars to reach out to the community, raise money for Integris Childrens Hospital and the MDA.   When our members attempted to clarify our club’s purpose in letter form Patrick from The Lost Ogle put up a new article on Aug. 31, 2010, further speaking meanly and profanely about our organization and its members. I could only guess as to his motives, so I will not speculate.

However, the posts by “The Lost Ogle” blog seems to be establishing a practice of using their public forum to vent personal vendettas, and they are using your money to do so.  I know that the blog is meant to be a satire/humor site, but with the cruelty of their recent posts, I felt you should be made aware of this fact as you spend precious profits supporting this blog.  I know that you are not personally responsible for the content of the site, but I feel that you have a decision to make about what sort of venues <TLO Advertiser> wishes to fund.

Yours,

Ryan McKinley
Edmond, OK

Wow.  I’d like to thank our advertisers for sharing their “precious profits” with us and standing by us during this “controversy.”  Because of your support, we at The Lost Ogle are filthy rich.  In fact, Clark Matthews just bought a lake house on Endor and I purchased the Mos Eisley Cantina.  We appreciate your support.

Since that’s out of the way, and to make it so that no one else has to guess or speculate about my sinister motives, let’s now address that email.

Continue reading ‘Revenge of the Jedi OKC…’

Ok, first of all, yes: fantasy football can be very, very nerdy. The people who take it seriously also take the random musings of obscure, local bloggers seriously. Probably. I don’t take it too seriously anymore. I won a few hundred dollars my very first season, and have won exactly zero dollars since. So I’m mostly over it. But I do still enjoy it. The main reason is that I’ve always been more of a college football fan. I’m from Oklahoma, after all. And NCAA players don’t get paid nearly what NFL guys do, so that makes them try all hard and stuff. But between Madden and fantasy football – and never, ever having sex – I’ve become quite the fan of professional ball.

That’s why I’ve decided to help you all out today, in case there are any newbies to my favorite non-sexual fantasy world. That didn’t come out right. Wait, it did, actually. So my draft is on Sunday and I’m not prepared. It snuck up on me like a cellmate in socks, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have time to dispense some pointers. So here are, in no particular order, some things not to do at your fantasy draft.

1.) Draft the Adrian Peterson from Seattle by Mistake

This happened to a friend of mine in our league a few seasons ago, when Adrian Peterson #B was still with the Bears. I thought it was funny because she was a girl. And because her husband was the commissioner. And because I had the pick right after hers. Ha! Guess who won me a few hundred dollars that season? It wasn’t some loser in Chicago, that’s for sure.

Continue reading ‘Five Things NOT To Do…At Your Fantasy Football Draft’

Being an Oklahoma State football fan is a lot like rooting for the Chicago Cubs.  Every year, most fans convince themselves that this just might be the year.  I hear it every year:  “If the (offense/defense) picks up (insert new coordinators name)’s scheme, and (insert name of stud recruit) can give us half of what (insert name of departing NFL player/guy who got kicked off the team) did last season, it will come down to the Bedlam game for the Big XII south title!  I totally see it happening.”  Then, it doesn’t happen and everyone who bleeds orange feels like they’ve been kicked in the nuts.

This year is no different.  My friends over at CowboysRideforFree, a website that was once called WastedOptimism because of the way OSU fan optimism is–for lack of a better word–wasted, is pumping sunshine.   When I get finished reading one of their columns, I am convinced the Cowboys will annihilate Washington State in the opener and finish with eight wins.

Then, twenty minutes later, I realize it isn’t going to happen.  This is a team that has a brand new offensive line, a new offensive scheme, nine new defensive starters, and only one impact player (a guy who plays a position where the role is minimized by the new scheme) returning.  I see national previews projecting the Cowboys to finish fifth in the South and think, “Thank God for Baylor.”

So, as you can tell, there’s some divergence between myself and most of the Orange Nation.  Because of this, I will preview position-by-position taking into account both perspectives.

Continue reading ‘There’s Always Next Year’

Greetings, gentle readers!  No, it’s not Friday.  In fact, it’s actually Wednesday.  So why am I posting today?  Well, I would like to share an email that I received recently.

Dear Marisa,

Why do you always say “gentle readers?”  It’s really not funny.  In fact, it’s kind of annoying and I think if I were to ever meet you in real life, I would probably hate you.  So will you please cut out that stupid “gentle readers” crap?

Okay.  I get it.  You guys don’t like “gentle readers.”  So, henceforth, I will no longer use “gentle readers” in a FNITBT post.  There.  Are you happy?  You win.

Kind of.

You see, this email gave me an idea.  Maybe other readers would like to write in and ask questions.  Hopefully, all questions won’t be ones where you guys ask me to stop doing things that I do.  Maybe you could ask me for some advice, you know, like Dear Abby, only with issues that concern our gentle readership.

Examples of questions include:

• How do I get that guy to like me? (Vodka and hydrocodone.)
• Where should I take this girl I like on a date?  (The Wolf Trap.)
• What kind of scotch should I drink to impress people?  (Glenmorangie or Aberlour.  Laphroaig tastes like hot bandaids.)
• What’s Chad like in real life?  (A tiger made of pure sex.)

So no more “gentle readers” on Fridays.  Fridays are reserved for me making fun of the silly things people do on weekends.  On Wednesdays, it’s all about the gentle readers. 

So, if you have any important questions that need answering, I’m here for you.  Just drop me a line at GentleMarisa@gmail.com.

I hate The Phantom of the Opera as much as anyone, but when I read the headline, I felt The Oklahoman was going too far in calling it a “Satanic group.”  Then, I actually read the article to learn that an actual group that worships the arch-angel had rented a room at OKC Civic Center.

The group, led by James Hale, a man who shares a name with a guy I once considered to be Satan, is holding an event that is parodizing (if that’s a word) the Catholic tradition of demon exorcism.  In essence, their goal is to unleash the devil onto the world.  It’s probably just me, but I assumed this happens in Oklahoma on the eve of every college football season when Sooner fans offer to sell their souls for another mythical national championship.  The fact that this one is being organized by someone who can be confused with the Burger King-swindling OU recruiting guru only reinforces that belief.

The real issue at hand, though, isn’t that a group of atheists are trying to get a rise out of Christians.  What will really be interesting is how the Christians handle it.  While introducing the story in last night’s broadcast KOCO’s Paul Folger told us, “tonight some Christians are outraged.”  In the piece that followed, I could hear the seething as they interviewed one Christian–a pastor at Trinity Baptist.  Baptists, Satanists–that sounded like a recipe for some great overreaction.  Here’s what Jeremy Stowe had to say:

Their desire to get their message out, it doesn’t surprise me…[We need] to show the community how to engage people who are different than us.   Not in protest, or crazy rallies, but in shining the light of Christ and loving them just as Christ loves us.

That’s the most subdued outrage I have ever heard, and it makes me think Eye Witness News 5 was a bit lazy in their reporting.  First of all, it should not have been difficult to locate a loony Christian to flip out and pretend these Satanic jokesters were an actual threat to society.  Folger obviously figured his reporters had done the grunt work to find one of those people.  Instead they found a reasonable, eloquent guy–from an uber conservative denomination, no less–who had a message all Oklahomans should heed.

It will be interesting to see if this issue blows over, or blows up.  As someone who has witnessed Edmond Public Schools remove Harry Potter books from their libraries because of an urban legend that claims a witch coven meets in the rural part of their city, I suspect the latter.

Over the weekend, we received several referrals from a website called JediOKC.com.  It’s the official home page for the Oklahoma City Star Wars Fan and Collectors Club.  Apparently, a member of their community discovered an older Friday Night in the Big Town post that made fun of the group. In particular, it included a fake event called “Jedi OKC Singles Night.” Most of the message board Jedis didn’t think it was very funny. Check out some of the comments from their forum:

“Red Assassin chick”? LOL Idiots don’t even know what they are talking about! Way to stereo-type people and make yourselves look like total douchebags! – Slippe

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Love it. He didn’t report the activity correctly, didn’t report the nature of the event correctly, didn’t attempt to contact anyone from the club to get the bigger picture. He just played off knee-jerk douche-baggery notions of what he thinks the club is and went with it in the name of satire. It looks like he applies the same level of fact checking to his grammar checking…there were errors on his page that betray his humor and his writing skills both as sophmoric–high school, not college.

That said, all the press we get isn’t gonna be roses. I’d say we’re ahead of the curve. We have about 10 good interactions for every one of these self-proclaimed humorists. – Ryan

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I posted a reply saying that the report of our activity was false and said what we have really done for the community. It made the author look like a jerk I guess ( there was nothing bad in my post) because it was moderated and they refused to post it on the site. Funny when you look at the comments that did make it onto the discussion board. – MandalorianMaven

Ouch! I thought Jedis were supposed to be kind and understanding, not mean and salty. Also, aren’t Jedis allegedly good at predicting things and have a heightened sense of awareness? If so, the force must not be very strong with our Jedi, because it took them nine months to find this post.

That being said, we do apologize to Jedi OKC for making fun of them and relying upon easy stereotypes and cheap gimmicks to do so. To make it up to them — and to give you a glimpse of what it’s really like to be a member of Jedi OKC — we have obtained a secret copy of their most recent Board Meeting Minutes.  Keep in mind that many Bothan Spies died while obtaining this information. Check it out after the jump.

Continue reading ‘The Jedi OKC Meeting Minutes’

When I go to Braum’s, I don’t get mad when I have to wait behind one car in the drive-thru for 10 minutes.  It also doesn’t bother me when they deny my request to leave pickles off my burger, give me a shake instead of a malt, or simply choose to serve me cold french fries.  This is because I’ve learned to accept that when I go to Braum’s the order will probably be wrong and/or the service very slow, and that instead of worrying about it or getting flustered, I should just embrace it and enjoy life.

That’s why this video of two Braum’s employees rapping for a gay guy while they serve customers didn’t bother me.  If anything, it was comforting and soothing.  It was like figuring out the meaning to life, but instead of learning why we exist and who created us, we learn why someone forgot to hold the nuts on the Sundae, but put extra onion on the cheeseburger.  It’s like one of life’s great mysteries is finally explained.

Anyway, maybe next time I’ll discover a video that explains why Braum’s makes such excellent hangover food.  Right now, my bet is that they sprinkle Advil dust over the hamburger meat.   Oddly enough, that kind of sounds plausible.

As you probably know, it looks like the Ford Center is about to get a name change.  Via the best website in Oklahoma City according to the people who read the Gazette:

The Oklahoma City Thunder announced Thursday it has begun negotiating naming rights to its home arena with new potential partners.

During the negotiation period, the facility will continue to be called the Ford Center and signage throughout the building will remain intact.

The original naming rights agreement came in 2001, when the Oklahoma Ford Dealers agreed to pay $8.1 million over 15 years.

That contract allowed an NBA franchise to terminate the existing naming rights agreement if a team came to Oklahoma City, which occurred when the Seattle SuperSonics relocated here in July 2008.

I’m kind of happy about this.  The Ford Center was a pretty boring name.  And let’s be honest, you really don’t want to name anything after an American car company.  Sure, I’d rather have Ford as a sponsor than GM or Chrysler, but picking which American car company you want to sponsor your arena is like picking which testicle you want removed in surgery.

Anyway, since the Thunder is now negotiating naming rights for the new Downtown arena, we thought we’d go ahead and rank some likely arena names and sponsorships.  The first couple are below, the rest are after the jumpity jump.

10. MapsIV Arena
If you talk with anyone in the know, they all say that in seven years Oklahoma City residents will be voting on a Maps IV.  The big part of that Maps will be a newer, even more state-of-the-art arena.  Since I think that will be a tougher sell than all the other Maps proposals combined, they should start branding and marketing it now.  The first step?  Buy naming rights for the arena.

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9. Lifechurch.TV Cathedral of Worship and Athletics
On one hand, this would kind of suck, because all the half-time performing acts would be Christian rock bands and the arena emcee would be that Craig Groeschel dude.  On the other hand, this would be kind of cool, because then all the easy hot girls who go to Life Church would come to more Thunder games.   We need more of them at Thunder games.  LifeChurch.TV girls make Catholics look prude.

Continue reading ‘Top 10 Names for the Ex-Ford Center’