Welcome back to another edition of the way-to-easy-to-write series “Jim Inhofe Is Still an Idiot.”
Earlier this week, the Huffington Post took a look back at Inhofe’s 2012 book “The Greatest Hoax: How the Global Warming Conspiracy Threatens Your Future.” They pointed out that Inhofe, fresh off his snowball stunt, thinks global warming cannot exist because of a passage in Genesis where God promises to maintain the seasons.
Via Huff Po:
Sometimes I endure brain freezes when writing intro for FNITBT. They are often remedied by visiting NewsOK or CNN, taking a big news story, and identify the antagonist and replace him with Patrick. I then move the setting to the “TLO Complex” and let my brain puke a weird and borderline insane story.
I’m currently in this position. Here are some stories on CNN as I type:
That last one is kind of cool, but I doubt Patrick will stop at using death rays on truck engines.
Anyway, sorry to be a downer, you came here to find out what to do this weekend. Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town…
Haha, now we’re taking Seattle’s elephants!
Earlier this week, it was announced that the Oklahoma City Zoo would be acquiring a pair of endangered Asian elephants from Seattle’s Woodlawn Park Zoo on a long-term loan. The move is both practical and symbolic. It’s practical because the elephants would join the existing Oklahoma City heard and live inside our zoo’s new, expansive 9-acre elephant exhibit. It’s symbolic because it would show that Seattle has finally put to rest the bitterness they’ve had for OKC since Howard Schultz sold the Sonics to Clay Bennett and his posse of wildcatters
Seattle and Oklahoma City are engaged in a dispute of mammoth proportions.
A plan to transfer two endangered Asian elephants from Woodlawn Park Zoo in Seattle to the Oklahoma City Zoo is drawing protests from animal rights activists, Seattle City Council members and that city’s leading newspaper.
Yeah, disregard the stuff I wrote about this move being “symbolic.” Apparently Seattle is still a bitter, jilted lover…
The Seattle zoo, which is closing its elephant exhibit, announced last month it would send its two elephants, Bamboo and Chai, to Oklahoma City on a long-term loan so they can be part of a larger, multigenerational herd. Bamboo is a 48. Chai is 36. Both are females.
The Associated Press on Wednesday quoted Seattle Mayor Ed Murray saying he was disappointed by Woodlawn’s decision but that there was little he could do.
The mayor’s comments follow protests by animal rights activists and others who want the animals moved to a sanctuary where they will not be put on display. A board that oversees the zoo’s operation rejected that idea.
Monday, The Seattle Times published an editorial critical of the plan to ferry the elephants on a 2,000-mile, 40-hour journey to Oklahoma, saying more humane alternatives existed.
“Zoo officials should reconsider shipping Chai and Bamboo into ‘Tornado Alley,’ a region with much more volatile and extreme weather than Seattle,” the editorial read. “These cherished creatures deserve to retire from the performance life.”
Really? You’re dropping a “Tornado Alley” reference? Like that really makes Oklahoma City a less safe place for elephants. At last check, we’ve never had a zoo animal die during a tornado. Hell, I’ve lived in Oklahoma City for 36-years and I have never even seen a funnel cloud in person. Tornado alley is irrelevant. It would be like saying Seattle is a bad place for elephants because the rain and second-hand pot smoke would make them all depressed and suicidal. Seriously, go fuck yourself, Seattle Times.
The elephant exchange has even pissed off the Price is Right’s Bob Barker. Yep, he’s still alive. He woke up from a mid-afternoon nap to issue the following statement:
“When I heard about the plans to send Chai and Bamboo to the Oklahoma Zoo, I felt compelled to call the mayor personally and ask him to intervene on their behalf,” explained Bob Barker in a statement. “Moving elephants in the winter is very dangerous, an elephant named Wankie died under the same conditions in 2005.
You know what, that’s fair. Although I think it’s why they’re waiting until spring to move the Elephants. Anything else, Bob?
Additionally, Oklahoma Zoo is located in a climate that is too cold in the winter for elephants and in the heart of tornado alley, and they also have loud rock concerts at an amphitheatre located right near the elephants. Sending them there would move them from a bad situation to a dreadful one. The entire plan is irresponsible and cruel.”
WTF?! Screw you, Bob Barker! Stop complaining about loud rock and roll music and go sexually harass a model with your long skinny microphone. If anything, I bet all the animals enjoy the delightful music and sounds coming from the Zoo Amp. What mammal, bird or reptile doesn’t like to hear the faint, echoed sounds of Lynrd Skynrd, Styx and Seether while trying to take a nap?
I don’t know about you, but it’s pretty obvious Bob Barker and the people of Seattle are just being passive aggressive sore losers. Would they be this upset if they were sending the animals to live in a new zoo exhibit in Dallas or Des Moines? Probably not. Obviously, they’re still bitter about things like this:
Since the people in Seattle are jealous assholes who can’t move on with their life, I think we should declare all out war and steal other things from their beautiful, international city. Here’s a list of 8 things I want to steal…
For the most part, I try to break Oklahoma stereotypes. We’ve come a long way in my lifetime, and I feel that the progressives and the movers and shakers in our city need to be rewarded for the hard work they’ve done to bring Oklahoma out of the dark ages. I do my part by never taking out-of-town guests to Cattlemen’s or the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum. Though, regrettably, I do bring the proverbial average down by drinking A LOT of Coor’s Light. What can I say? It’s probably safer to drink than the arsenic and hexavalent chromium-containing water in Norman.
I bring all this up because something happened yesterday that ruined all the good work I’ve been doing. Sure, it may seem innocuous enough, but I assure you, some real damage has been done.
According to KFOR.com:
Yesterday was a weird day…
Despite there not being any precipitation the night before, Oklahoma City Public Schools and other metro districts announced Tuesday night they were cancelling school on Wednesday due to a winter storm that would strike that morning.
OKCPS has cancelled all classes and activities for Wednesday, March 4th due to inclement weather. pic.twitter.com/PrnxMOEmGQ
— OKC Public Schools (@OKCPS) March 4, 2015
The storm, as usual, was predicted and hyped by forecasters, the local media and all the other people who own stock in ice melt and kitty litter. Starting at 6am, the Oklahoma City metro was going to first be hit by freezing rain, then sleet, and then, well, let’s just look at the weather forecast News 9 tweeted early Wednesday morning:
— News 9 (@NEWS9) March 4, 2015
Nasty stuff, huh? Fortunately for us, News 9 and the rest of the lot missed big time.
For what seems like the 10th time since the Christmas blizzard that never happened, the local media and weather community whiffed on predicting a winter weather event for the metro. Oklahoma City didn’t receive any noticeable precipitation until about 3pm or 4pm. The roads were fine. Schools could have remained open, lunches could have gone on as planned, and you could have put off the late night emergency trip to Braum’s to get bread and milk until the following day.
That afternoon, in an effort to troll the local media, I asked our OKC Metro Twitter followers to send us some pics of the winter weather. These were some of my favorites:
— Matt Seaton (@mseaton80) March 4, 2015
Thanks! Your message has been sent!