Peace, Love and…Blazerstanding?

Published by
Chad
 on July 3, 2009

tombstone-netscape

No, I’m not Clark Matthews, and I’ll be doing my best to not let you confuse us for one another. There are plenty of differences between us, including my lack of knowing 5,000 words to say about anything. So this is just a little something from the hockey fan of our bunch. Patrick claims to love the Buffalo Sabres, but we all know that they have nothing to do with hockey. So this will be a small-scale “Clark Matthews on a Thursday” impersonation. Well, it won’t be a spot-on impersonation, because I’ll be wearing pants and won’t be right outside your bedroom window. Clark is a danger to us all. So as the title suggests, this is going to be a sports diatribe. Not about a sport you love, but about hockey and the loss of the OKC Blazers. Though not much of a Blazers fan anymore, I do love hockey. I’ve been a Penguins fan since the days of the Sega Genesis and I’ve supported them through the good and bad times. It’s been good lately. I even managed to play ice hockey myself  for nearly ten years, until re-retiring recently, winning four championships and scoring literally dozens of goals in a storied beer league career. I really like my hockey, is the point. Which will bring us around to this news about the Blazers. Let’s talk about it for a sec.

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Category: OKC Blazers. 0 Comments

Peace, Love and Thunderstanding: The Myth of Presti

Published by
Clark Matthews
 on July 3, 2009

When the Supersonics fired their former general manager, Rick Sund, I remember being very excited about the prospect of SamPresti being the guy in charge of basketball operations when the team moved here.  The guy, who graduated high school only one year before I did, was a wunderkind who was credited with convincing the San Antonio Spurs to take a chance on Tony Parker.  It indicated to me that he was a young guy, who thinks outside the box, and does a great job of evaluating talent.

Early on, he was everything I anticipated.  His first draft pick was a no-brainer, taking Kevin Durant at #2 overall, but following that, he actually showed his acumen.  Realizing that the Sonics roster situation at the time was not going to take them anywhere, and seeing that their days in Seattle were numbered, he gutted the team and put them into instant re-building mode.  He jettisoned star player, fan favorite, and Seattle lover Ray Allen and his atrocious contract to Boston for the #5 pick in that draft (which became Jeff Green) and a plethora of players that could be traded later.

When free agency came that Summer, he refused to overpay the team’s own free agent Rashard Lewis who ended up signing a max-level contract with the Orlando Magic.  Except, he didn’t just let Lewis walk away.  In return for being the one who wrote up the contract (allowing Lewis an extra year on the contract), he got a first round pick from Orlando in a sign and trade.  Later in the year, he used the salary cap space the team saved by not having Lewis to acquire Kurt Thomas from San Antonio who gave the team three future first round picks (including a Phoenix pick in next year’s draft that is shaping up to be very valuable) for saving them money.  So, in essence, he turned a guy he was going to let walk into four first round picks.

Over the next couple of years, he shuffled around players that the team didn’t need for players whose contracts were soon to expire and created a ton of cap space.  Everything he did was enacted with the long term plan in mind.  That’s the good that has been built into tale of how infallible the great Sam Presti has become.  But is he really a genius?

Continue reading ‘Peace, Love and Thunderstanding: The Myth of Presti’

Category: Oklahoma City Thunder and Peace Love and Thunderstanding. 8 Comments

[T]NITBT – Fourth of July Weekend, Y’all!

Published by
Chad
 on July 2, 2009

okc4th

Woooo! It’s the 4th of July and I’m more excited than a woodpecker in a log cabin. But with expectations like that, I’m bound once again to wind up as disappointed as a woodpecker in a sawdust store. Since I’ll be facedown in a ditch by Friday morning, we decided to go ahead and give you this piece of junk today. Full disclosure: I’m not a big 4th of July guy. I’m very “meh” about it. For one thing, everybody wants me to do something different. “Come to the lake.” “Let’s go downtown.” “[Whore] and [Douchebag] are having people over.” The thing is, I don’t really care too much. It’s not that I don’t care about America and freedom and all that bullshit, it’s that I don’t care about the festivities anymore. Fireworks are neat, but whatever. If I miss them, I’ll be ok. If I happen to be lying on a blanket downtown after accidentally taking mushrooms, then ok. I don’t want to be Donny Downer, or Bobby Bringdown, or uh..Barney Bummer, so have fun. Go wild. Feel free to pop all your Black Cats at once, like a rookie. It won’t bother me.

I’m going to keep things brief this week because it’s a short holiday week and I’m as drunk as kitten in a bathtub full of bathtub booze punch. My surprisingly concise syntax and typing skill is impressing me though, along with all six people who watch me write this thing live every week. I find it helpful to silently type in front of an audience, just to feed off the energy of the room. Sure, Paulie fell asleep ten minutes in, but when he woke up and finally removed all the underwear from his mouth, his feedback was critical and unbiased. He’s a huge help and an easy drunk. We like Paulie. Here’s a somewhat briefened version of that thing I usually do but on Fridays, and that you don’t read. 4th!!

Continue reading ‘[T]NITBT – Fourth of July Weekend, Y’all!’

Category: Friday Night in the Big Town. 3 Comments

Maybe the next thing she’ll try to do is ban summertime rainbows…

Published by
Patrick
 on July 2, 2009

Gay Firestorm

Today at noon on the first floor of the State Capitol, Sally Kern and her band of right wing lunatic cronies will sign the Oklahoma Citizens Proclamation for Morality.  There is no word yet on if her 30-something-year-old, celibate, music teaching, metaphysics practicing, non-gay son will be traveling down from Iowa for the event.

You can check out the complete proclamation here — including some random out-of-context quotes from former presidents and slave owners Thomas Jefferson and James Madison — but the really crazy parts are below.

We the People of Oklahoma, Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the blessing of Liberty; to secure just and rightful Government; to promote our mutual Welfare and Happiness, do establish this proclamation and call upon the people of the great State of Oklahoma, and our fellow Patriots in these United States of America who look to the Lord for guidance, to acknowledge the need for a national awakening of righteousness in our land.”

WHEREAS, the people of Oklahoma have a strong tradition of reliance upon the Creator of the Universe; and

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and

WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery; and

WHEREAS, alarmed that the Government of the United States of America is forsaking the rich Christian heritage upon which this nation was built; and

WHEREAS, grieved that the Office of the president of these United States has refused to uphold the long held tradition of past presidents in giving recognition to our National Day of Prayer; and

WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that the Office of the president of these United States disregards the biblical admonitions to live clean and pure lives by proclaiming an entire month to an immoral behavior;

NOW THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that we the undersigned elected officials of the people of Oklahoma, religious leaders and citizens of the State of Oklahoma, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world, solemnly declare that the HOPE of the great State of Oklahoma and of these United States, rests upon the Principles of Religion and Morality as put forth in the HOLY BIBLE; and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, believers in the One True God and His only Son, call upon all to join with us in recognizing that “Blessed is the Nation whose God is the Lord,” and humbly implore all who love Truth and Virtue to live above reproach in the sight of God and man with a firm reliance on the leadership and protection of Almighty God; and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon Holy God, our Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer, to have mercy on this nation, to stay His hand of judgment, and grant a national awakening of righteousness and Christian renewal as we repent of our great sin.

I’ll tell you what, I could wake up tomorrow morning and learn that Sally Kern replaced the Indian on our Capital Dome with a statue of the crucifix and I wouldn’t be surprised.  Why?  Sally Kern is a crazy right wing nut job attention whore bigot.

In fact, she’s such a crazy rightwing nut job attention whore bigot that I don’t really feel like wasting my time making fun of her or refuting her silly proclamation.  Instead, I’ll let you all take care of that in the comments.

And, oh yeah, did we mention she has a 30-something-year-old, celibate, music teaching, metaphysics practicing, “non-gay” son?  If not, I figured it would be good to throw it in there one more time.

Category: Oklahoma Politics and Sally Kern. 35 Comments

Top Ten…Oklahoma Bands. (That haven’t made it yet)

Published by
Joey
 on July 1, 2009

Grandpa Simontons Band 2

I’ve been playing the guitar since I was twelve years old and performing music for about as long. When I was 17, I got a job selling guitars at Mars Music on Memorial Road next to Quail Springs Mall and started running around the Oklahoma City music circuit jumping from band to band. Getting booed off stage, pretty much every night, at every venue, wasn’t the best experience of my life, but I got the opportunity to open for some pretty kick ass bands and get to know the immensely diverse culture of Oklahoma’s sound over the next eight years.

We’ve all seen the growth OKC has enjoyed over those last eight years, and I feel obligated to share some of the best, loudest, and most offensive groups Oklahoma has to offer.  If you can find the time in your schedule to check out any of these bands, it would be well worth your time. I made an effort to keep the list as eclectic as possible and I think there is a pretty damn good chance you’ll love at least one group off this list. Check them out after the jump…

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Category: Joey's Top-10. 23 Comments

Breaking Down the Top 10 Miss Rocklahoma Finalists… (UPDATE)

Published by
Patrick
 on June 30, 2009

contestant1-p2

From July 9th through 12th, the third annual Rocklahoma Music Festival will take place in Pryor, Oklahoma.  Check out some of the acts making an appearance at this year’s event.

Anthrax |  RATT  |  Night Ranger  |  Warrant  |  Stryper  |  Thin Lizzy  |  Twisted Sister  |  Skid Row  |  Great White  |  Nelson

I’ll tell you what, I have a hunch that this may be the trashiest event in Oklahoma history.  Just check out the photos from previous festivals.  It makes the State Fair look like the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club Debutante Ball.  Seriously, you could give me $1,000 and put me in one of those radioactive suits that that bad guys in E.T. wear and I wouldn’t get within 50 miles of Rocklahoma.   Instead of selling hemp bracelets, they probably sell necklaces made from leftover meth supplies.  Hell, I bet that even the Syphilis and Chlamydia viruses bacterias are scared to use the port-o-pottys.

Anyway, to help make this festival even easier to mock and ridicule, the promoters have created a Miss Rocklahoma pageant.  From the Rocklahoma website:

These top ten ladies represent what we feel Rocklahoma is all about. This contest is not just about beauty and sexuality, but about an energizing, fun loving and outgoing individual who truly encapsulates the spirit of Rocklahoma. The winner will be the ambassador of Rocklahoma 2009.

Let me translate this for you:  this pageant isn’t about looks…it’s about who will show their t*ts on stage and maybe f*ck one of the Nelson brothers.  So I guess it’s kind of like “Rock of Love”…only worse.  Check out our rankings of the Top 10 Miss Rocklahoma finalists after the jump:

(Update: We had to edit one of the descriptions.  Sorry.)

Continue reading ‘Breaking Down the Top 10 Miss Rocklahoma Finalists… (UPDATE)’

Category: OKC Music and Unusual. 24 Comments

Tulsa Tuesday – Jessica Alba Visits Tulsa, Sharks Not Liberated

Published by
IrritatedTulsan
 on June 30, 2009

TulsaShark

When I saw that Jessica Alba was in Tulsa Monday filming her new direct-to-DVD movie, The Killer Inside Me, my first thought was, “oh, porn,” followed by “I hope she doesn’t vandalize us.”  Then I remembered that unlike Oklahoma City, Tulsa has sharks.  We have the Oklahoma Aquarium, a possible Alba target.

Vandalism doesn’t worry me; it’s liberated sharks and Tulsa’s effect on movies.  Movies filmed in Tulsa are never good.  Check out UHF.

Alba’s a bigger threat to Tulsa than many realize.  Since the only precaution to her visit is extra police on the movie set, I felt I should take action.

I called the Oklahoma Aquarium and asked if they added extra security.  They declined to answer as in they hung up on me.  I don’t think they took the threat seriously.

What they don’t realize is Alba is a good swimmer and can possibly turn invisible.  You thought the special effects in Fantastic 4 were computer graphics?  Me too, but I don’t want to risk the trauma of seeing sharks float through the air as an invisible Jessica Alba carries them to the Arkansas River.

If you see sharks flopping around in the three-inch deep water of the Arkansas River, I warned you.

If you want to see The Killer Inside Me, it’s coming to a Redbox near you.

-

(P.S.  Now for baseball news:  Solutions for Drillers Stadium.)

Category: Tulsa Tuesday. 7 Comments

The Sanctity of Marriage

Published by
Clark Matthews
 on June 29, 2009

marriage-equality

Eight years ago this month, my wife and I, fresh out of college, naively chose to spend our lives in holy matrimony.  Little did we know that heterosexual marriage was rapidly becoming a thing of the past.

It started when Governor Howard Dean of Vermont signed the nation’s first “civil unions” bill that opened up the institution of getting hitched to anyone with the rights to enter into a contract.  I was initially scared that Mrs. Matthews would move to Vermont and switch to the other team, but my fears were alleviated when I remembered the “Defensive of Marriage Act” that was sponsored by Oklahoma representative Steve Largent and signed by the pillar of traditional marriage, President Bill Clinton.  Our marriage was safe.

Then things began to change.  The Massachusetts Supreme Court declared it against the state constitution to deny marriage rights based on sexual preference.  Within a few years, several other states–apparently missing the tidal wave of ballot issues banning gay marriage–started opening up the option of each person marrying a man or woman based entirely on their own discretion.  Among the state were liberal bastions like New Hampshire, Connecticut, Maine, and Iowa.

Obviously, I started to get very afraid.  Certainly the only thing keeping Mrs. Matthews tied to me was the state’s blessing that she had to be married to a man.  Luckily, the wise voters of this state voted overwhelmingly to keep such a reprehensible thing like two people in a loving, committed relationship vowing to stay together from ever being blessed in this state from happening in 2004.

Then, I read this week in The Gazette that openly gay minister Reverend Dr. Scott Jones had discovered a loophole.  He was married to his boyfriend within state lines and the police could do nothing to stop them.  How?  He just said (I’m paraphrasing here), “screw what the state thinks, I’ll just get married in the eyes of God.”  Huh-what?!?

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Category: Sally Kern. 34 Comments
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