With their ouster by the far superior Cleveland Indians, fans and media outlets across the country have being offering their opinions as to what the New York Yankees should do to fix the problems that they have. Naturally, the next question everyone is also wondering is how The Sports Animal should fix the problems they have. At least that’s the next question an Ogle has.
Here, for the folks in charge over at Citadel Broadcasting, is a nice, handy ten-step guide to upgrading the Sports Animal from a colossal failure all the way to a mediocre radio station.
#1: Trade Bob Barry Jr. and a Broadcaster To Be Named Later to KREF for Toby Rowland
This moves comes at a price, obviously. There is a good chance that the BTBNL might be a real talent (though, based on past history, probably not), and chances are WWLS will have to absorb some of BBJ’s salary, but it gets you the best sports radio host in town and comes with the added benefit of not having to have Bob Barry Jr. on your station.
#2: Move Craig Humphreys to the 6:30 AM-7 AM time slot
I first became aware of the Hump Man years ago on the old WWLS, when he was on from 6:30-7 AM with Dan Lutz. I couldn’t figure out who this guy was, or why there were never any commercials when he was on. It was only later that I realized he was just a guy who had bought up 30 minutes of airtime so that he could let the world know his opinions on sports.
Humphreys would be comfortable in the 6:30 AM time slot, and since all he really does is read excerpts from USA Today, I would have someone to read me the paper over my morning coffee.
#3: Replace Humphreys with Carey Murdock
I actually rather like Mark Rodgers, and a tandem of Rodgers and Carey Murdock seems like it would be a pretty good one.
However, I must point something out here: I was watching the ALDS between the aforementioned Yankees and Indians, and while listening to the horrible Chip Carey and his sidekicks it occurred to me that Tony Gwynn’s voice sounds exactly like Carey Murdock’s. It’s almost freakish, actually.
#4: Add more commercials
There definitely aren’t enough commercials on the Sports Animal. I can hardly go four minutes without hearing one. Since they are, actually, the best things on the station, this must change.
#5: Release Jim Traber. Claim Stephen A. Smith off waivers.
I know what you’re thinking. Hear me out. This will take a minute.
Yesterday I was listening to Traber make a point about how the OU and OSU basketball programs are down this year, and how he didn’t think there had been a year in the history of the Big 12 that neither school had a player in the first or second team pre-season All-Conference squad. A fair point, and he had his producer look up the previous All-Big 12 teams. While obsessing over who was on each year’s team, it came to Traber’s attention that Nate Erdmann was on OU’s squad a certain year, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Traber screams “NATE ERDMANN WAS DEFINITELY ON THE SECOND TEAM!” It wasn’t a scream of anger — no one was arguing with him, or to get himself heard when others are talking. It’s just the way this man communicates. The way he talks about things like Nate freaking Erdmann, a subject I’m quite certain no one else on the planet, save Erdmann’s parents, could get that worked up about. And I can’t take it any longer.
Screamin’ A. Smith is quite possibly (probably?) worse than Traber in this regard, but at least he would bring some good guests to local radio, and he’s a minority voice, not exactly something we have in droves on local radio.
#6: Retire Al Eschbach’s jersey, Buy Out Rusty Olson from his KREF contract
Thirty-plus years is long enough, Al. He should be replaced by his former producer, Rusty.
Now, Rusty Olson is not a particularly wonderful sports radio host. He’s the kind of guy who says things like “Sometimes it’s better to not be drafted at all instead of being drafted in the 7th round, since you can pick the team you sign with,” and then pauses as if he’s said something dramatic. It’s true enough, yes, but not particularly insightful or thoughtful since everyone in the world utters the same platitude after every NFL draft.
As many of you are probably thinking, there is the fact that his voice does indeed cause glass to break. This problem can be solved by requesting that all listeners roll down their windows before Rusty comes on the air. This would help conserve the energy people would usually use on air-conditioning. That’s just me, saving the world one radio host at a time.
#7: Give Dean Blevins his own 1-hour show
This is only a tentative idea.
No one has been harder on Deano than me, but I want to give him a bit of credit. It actually seems like he’s getting a little bit better. His smugness has been dialed down quite a bit lately, and it’s been replaced by a passive-aggressive bitterness that is positively delightful. It’s not exactly news that Blevins and Traber haven’t always gotten along perfectly well, but lately Dean seems more annoyed at him than usual. Every time Jim interrupts him — which is often — I can feel the veins bulging in Deano’s head through the radio, as he responds through obviously clenched teeth.
It’s clear to me that one of these days, Dean is going to snap and that repressed anger is going to be unleashed on the world. I want that moment caught on the air, and that’s why he should have a show on The Sports Animal 2.0 (which is what I’m calling it, because I’m awesome like that).
#8: Add more content involving listener interaction
There is nothing greater than trite features like BBJ’s old golfer giveaway and Traber’s “Jimmy’s Egg On Your Face.” Who doesn’t love to hear Jim Traber say “Jimmy’s Egg on Your Face” thirteen times in a five minute span and then hear callers trash whoever SportsCenter has told them to that week? True, this is not actually good radio, but ESPN has many similar features, and look how successful they are!
By copying horrible features like “Who’s Now” and the “Coors Light Six Pack,” The Sports Animal can go national. I suggest the “Earl’s Rib Palace Belch,” where listeners call in and give their best imitation of the belch on the Earl’s Rib Palace commercial, and the winner gets a free meal.
#9: Move Curtis Fitzpatrick somewhere, anywhere else
I don’t dislike Curtis as much as some people on this site do, but it does seem to me he just doesn’t fit in on a morning show. Have you ever noticed that Curtis is never the one saying the funny thing? That’s not an insult, really, it’s just not his shtick. It’s not his fault the powers that be put him in that time slot. He’s inoffensive enough as a straight sports talk host, so put him somewhere else. Maybe he and Pork should have their own show together.
#10: Invent this: The James Hale/Greg Swaim Oklahoma Hoops Show
I am actually more of an OU basketball fan than I am OU football, which makes me something of an outcast among Sooner fans (I have been severely beaten numerous times). The lack of coverage of NCAA hoops bothers me, so I think a Hale/Swaim pairing covering the sport would be good for two reasons. First, despite (or probably because of) their horrible homerism, they both do sometimes have good information. Second, there is a good chance they will come to blows and render each other incapacitated and unable to do radio any longer. Win/Win situation!
And there you have it. A surefire way to improve the Sports Animal. I expect Citadel to call me any day to offer me a consulting job.
#11 — Drop everybody and simulcast The Ticket.
I agree with Chris. The Ticket is so far superior to the Sports Animal, it isn’t even funny. If nothing else, the Sports Animal should, in honor of The Ticket, have a Sports Animal compound where all the regular hosts must stay in a house for an entire week. The could fit the house with webcams. Can you imagine these guys with each other 24 hours?
P.S. Chris, if you want to get a taste of the Ticket, listen to JOX 930 after a Dallas Cowboys game. The sound of Norm’s voice is greatness.
Can I pick a golfer? Is Tiger Woods still available?
Perhaps the station could take more callers. Nothing is more riveting than having twenty straight Joe Blows calling to offer Al their prediction for what OU’s final record will end up being.
Another feature I hate to admit liking is when Traber has Eschbach or the producer read off a team’s schedule while Traber screams, “LOSS!” or “That’s a win!” between each game.
If Olsen gets a show, he has to be banned from uttering the phrase, “my Raiders”. Unless he buys the team from Al Davis, or signs a contract with Oakland, that phrase just makes me want to punch him.
Take calls? From listeners?
Good God. You must be John Fox in real life.
Put that Rusty Olsen dood on the shame show with Robert Allen. If they both got excited, those voices would begin registering in wavelengths beyond human capabilities, and dogs in the metroplex would have blood spurting out their ears.
My kids are big fans of Rusty’s voice:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=enwSyQo8d7k
i’m a transplant from dallas and i only listen to the animal to get to work and to get home. it’s the ticket all day at work. simulcast the TICKET!
No idea on fixing The Sports Animal would be complete without denying all offers from The Fat Jack to buying more airtime.
2 thoughts,
On Blevins, move his show to the 5 am slot.
2. Buy everyone in OKC area an xm radio so they don’t have to listen to the sports idiots. (watch the road rage drop)
Maybe Bonnie Berbridge Lane and Wes Lane can host the Oedipus hour from 5-6 for the drive home. Imagine the pile ups on the interstateas we all learn how to use our cell phones to make porn.
I want more Joe Blows talking about recruiting.
I want more of Al mispronouncing names. Is Ebi Ere Ebi Erie or Ebi Erah? Come on, Al, know your topic before you talk about it.
I want more factual errors. Pat Summit of Tennesse University has more victories than Bobby Knight. Bobby Knight does not have the most victories among college basketball coaches.
I want more of the obvious. “Who will win today’s game, Dean?” “I think the team that scores the most points will win,” Dean prophesized.
Have an hour of commercials. Have an hour of sports talk. Have an hour of commericals. Have an hour of sports talk.
wait, what’s wrong with the sports animal? it’s great!
i joke.
How about giving James the Marvel a two hour show, the first hour dedicated to horse racing, predominately for horses named [insert random noun here] Cat, and the second hour for original songs performed by the Marvel himself? Maybe they could even let local bands like Hinder perform the Marvel’s songs live?
That would be great.
Extend the first segment with Jim and Al’s Dynamic Duo. (”Tell the people where you’re at, Al.” “BigredspohtsandimpohtsI35nohman” They intentionally don’t talk about sports during that time. A full 2 or possibly 3 hours of them chattering about Al’s favorite vegetables or Jim’s latest golfing expedition would be big time, gentlemen.
Good idea on Hump, but how about giving him the 4AM shift? I might actually be listening at 6:30.
1) Ban Al from making junior high comments about women, homosexuals, bodily functions, etc.
2) No “picking a golfer”…
3) No calling in with your prediction for the OU or OSU football game…Why do this? Noone’s keeping track!! Why would anyone call in with this…It probably takes 10 minutes at least to get on the air then all you do is say what you think the score will be??? What the f….???
4) Never, ever, ever, ever bring back Rusty Olsen….Never!
5) Give Carey Murdock MORE time and find a decent counterpart for OSU other than Robert Allen…
6) Give Todd Lizenby more time, I think he’s good…
7) Ban Trabor from calling callers “idiots, morons, losers” etc…I just turn the radio when he starts to yelling…
9) No talk of vacations, house projects, family cell phone plans, how many cars you pay for, etc…
10) Screen out the truly stupid callers…I know, nearly impossible, but please try.
11) Give Scissorhands a show!!!!!!!!
12) Reveal the true identity of MK…Is he really an old man or what?
12) Same with James The Marvel…
13) More Gotlieb!
14) Less commercials…
15) Give KREF a stronger signal!!!! Toby and Myron are the best!!!!
Only really good idea I’ve seen here is giving Scissorhands his own show.
That man is pure gold! Greatest caller evah!
Only things I can think of are fire both BBJ and Craig Humphreys or, as others have said, simulcast The Ticket.
I love the BBJ (plus 1) for Toby Rowland… adding the best radio personality in the market to the SportsAnipal would come with a price. Sure, you plug a hole in one ship but let another ship sink.
Perhaps, a comprehensive plan is called for. 1) one of the 4 stations needs to syndicate the Ticket. 2) one of the other 3 needs to syndicate only National shows… maybe ESPN. 3) one of the other 2 shows needs to ensure that Jim Rome is on for his entire show LIVE and 4) the last station needs to allow Toby Rowland and maybe a few other hacks to talk about OU recruiting and maybe some of OSU’s practices.
I agree with Chris. I listen to The Ticket (Dallas) all day at work. WWLS has sucked for years and Al is the most over rated talk show host ever. No wonder KC shipped him back asap!
Thank God Fox Sports (1340 AM) is here for my drive time.
I don’t know why you guys don’t respect everything resident-expert-on-everything Jim Traber has to say. I mean, after all, he hit .227 in four seasons with one of the worst teams in the history of major league baseball. Oh, and if that is not enough for you, he also had a riviting career in Japan!! The cherry on top of this clossal jackass: He still has Cal Ripkens jock in his mouth…errrr…cell number in his phone.
What happened to those really great Fowler “we don’t sell car adds”? We simply do not get enough of JT and Julie in our lives anymore.
Also, could we bring back those Legacy Ford commercials with Jim and Jules? The one where JT and Jules are allowed to say Merry Christmas because the rest of us are being silenced by a communist conspiracy, or the one where Beaux gets his “Chick Magnet” I really like those.