Eventually, it had to be done. In fact, realizing that it had not yet delved into the seediest location in town as our first year anniversary rapidly approached, we decided it had to be done quickly.
But who would write the post? I nominated Patrick, but he declined saying that his research would begin with a night at the Red Dog Saloon, followed by us never seeing him again. Tony cited his strict religious upbringing and fear of anything not sanctioned by James Dobson as means of begging off. So that left it up to me, Clark Matthews, to be the expert on the underbelly of our fair town.
After exhaustive research, here is my list of the top 10 Sleaziest Locations in Oklahoma City:
10. Britton Discount Cigarettes
Every day, on my way home from work, I get stuck in the daily traffic jam on Britton being caused by “Britton Discount Cigarettes.” Part of me feels like I should respect their great business plan. They figured out that if you smoke, you probably don’t exercise either, so they sell cigarettes at a drive thru window. Apparently pretty cheap, because rush hour always sees a parking lot in the right hand eastbound lane of Britton and several cars hoping to turn left in the westbound lane. The people are just about what you would expect. They are in beat up cars, with their faded KATT stickers on the bumper, and even though I am in the cocoon of my vehicle, I can imagine how foul it must smell on the interior. Making the place that much more repulsive is that they located it just about a block from what is now Centennial High School, but used to be my alma mater, John Marshall. So, you know they are probably making a killing selling to underage kids who are ditching class.
Right now, a good portion of our smoker readers are thinking they need to check this place out.
8. Clark Matthews garage
For legal reasons, I prefer not to delve too deeply into this one.
7. Blazers Game
Staged fights and small children being encouraged to shout “but they still suck!”
Sure, the pristine campus dotted with well maintained brick buildings, a lovely pond, and a plethora of security guards well prepared to run off teenagers who dare to use their football field to play a pick up game looks nice. Any place attended so heavily by trust fund blue bloods, though, has to have a seedy underbelly.
No matter where one stands on the legality of drugs, I doubt anyone can argue that it is a good thing. I think a place selling the paraphernalia, might try.
4. Anywhere Jim Inhofe is speaking
As the election cycle heats up, you can rest assured that any place Jim Inhofe appears to speak will belong on this list. As this old Gazette article chronicles, our senior Senator has always had a penchant for dirty tactics even as a fresh candidate. Now, as a career politician, Inhofe has honed his craft and turned every campaign into a toxic landfill. Truth will be lacking, and substance will never appear in his stump speech. Have fun with that Andrew Rice.
(True story: At a recent Chamber of Commerce meeting in which Inhofe was invited to give a non-political speech, his address devolved into a tirade about how Barack Obama is a Muslim. Putting aside that there are supposed to be no religious tests for public office, Inhofe’s ire would make more sense if he didn’t, you know, work with Obama and know that Obama is a Christian. Then again, expecting Inhofe to tell the truth when a lie is more convenient is lunacy.)
3. Patrick’s Liver
According to the Free Online Dictionary, one of the definitions of sleazy is: “Shabby, dirty, and vulgar”
After years of abuse, Patrick’s liver definitely fits the first two. I get the impression that his liver may also be a bit racist**, which I find vulgar.
**To be clear, only Patrick’s liver is racist. The rest of his organs are perfectly civil.
2. South Robinson
Some say South Robinson is sleazy because pimps and prostitutes loiter all along the street. Personally, I think it is sleazy because there is a guy with a video camera trying to get footage of guys getting it on with hookers that hangs out there.
1. XXXtasy Ranch
There are a surprising number of strip clubs/nudie bars/gentleman’s clubs in Oklahoma City. Most of them, though, have generally inconspicuous names like Bosco’s or Blue Fox. One can say they are going to one of those places and unless the person is “in the know” (in which case they will probably beg to go with), you will not be outed as a perv. Not so with the XXXtasy Ranch who revels in being a den of iniquity. Couple that with the phallic chimney (which, I’m sure, goes with the fireplace of the interior library where men in smoking jackets that have leather patches on the elbows go to sip brandy and debate Proust) and you have one of the sleaziest places in town.
Keep in mind that we at TheLostOgle.com love this fair city in spite of, or in some cases because of, the places mentioned above. However, we occasionally miss something, and that, fair reader, is where you come in. If you feel your local cathouse was unfairly passed over, the comments section begs for you to share.
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