(edit. Missing Peace, Love and Thunderstanding? Or maybe you’re just bored enough to read it anyway? Head over to Royce’s regular home, DailyThunder.com, and check out Clark Matthews’ latest on how the referee lockout could effect the team.)
Hey you guys! Did you know OU plays Texas this weekend in Dallas? To get ready for the big game, I think it’s every Oklahoman’s duty to properly refresh your knowledge of the extremely rich OU/Texas history. You don’t want to go down to Dallas uniformed and unprepared, now do you? I know, I know. The Sooners have two losses and Texas is good and OU has no chance and blah blah blah. All that may be entirely true, but that doesn’t mean Texas has stopped sucking massive elephant melons. So freshen up on your OU/Texas history and facts and get ready to hate. (Yes, I realize I’ve borrowed this idea from Bill Simmons who borrowed it from David Letterman. No need to point it out. And if you’re an Oklahoma State fan, feel free to just move along or simply mention how you hate both schools.)
1. What is the correct way to say it?
c) OU/Texas Sucks
d) Texas Sucks/Texas Sucks
2. What does 0.314 stand for?
a) Mack Brown’s winning percentage in Dallas
b) Vince Young’s completion percentage against OU
c) Sergio Kindle’s BAC
3. Say you get into an argument with a Longhorn Saturday. What’s the knockout punch?
a) Bob Stoops’ head-to-head record with Mack Brown (6>4)
b) National Titles (7>4)
c) Heisman Trophy winners (5>2)
d) Conference titles (42>29)
e) All-Americans (148>120)
f) The scrotum. Just go for the scrotum.
4. What’s a Longhorns’ best response to any trash talk you sling at them?
a) But”¦ but”¦ we’re Texas”¦
b) Stunned look
c) Uncontrollable weeping
d) All of the above, in that order
5. Where did Texas get inspiration for their current Hook “˜Em logo?
a) A drawing from a conceptual artist in 1926
b) Was inspired by a famous photo of Bevo
6. Who is UT’s most famous alum?
a) Tex Ritter
b) Matthew McConaughey
c) Owen Wilson
7. What’s the best part about Bevo?
a) The horns
b) The color
c) The name
d) The ribs
8. What is Colt McCoy’s actual first name?
9. What will Texas fans forever remember most about the 2008 season?
a) Colt McCoy’s great year
b) Beating OU 45-35
c) The Fiesta Bowl win
d) That Big 12 title*
10. What is Mack Brown’s best quality?
a) His big game coaching
b) Second half comebacks
d) He’s FOLKSY! Just so folkin’ folksy!
11. Will Muschamp was named Head Coach in Waiting because:
a) Mack Brown plans on retiring soon
b) Texas didn’t want to lose another defensive coordinator
c) The UT braintrust felt it was best to replace folksy with batsh*t crazy
12. What are the best games in OU/Texas history?
a) 2000 ““ OU 63, Texas 14
b) 2003 ““ OU 65, Texas 13
c) 1973 ““ OU 52, Texas 13
d) 1956 ““ OU 45, Texas 0
13. What’s so special about Colt McCoy’s girlfriend and why do they show her on TV all the time?
a) She’s on the track team at Baylor
b) She’s pretty
c) She’s related to an OU player
d) She’s famous for her brilliant performance in Penises of the Caribbean
14. What are the correct words to Texas Fight?
a) Texas Fight, Texas Fight/ And it’s goodbye to A&M/ Texas Fight, Texas Fight/ And we’ll pull out for one more win”¦ etc.
b) Texas Eyes, Texas Eyes/ And it’s goodbye to A&M/ Texas Eyes, Texas Eyes/ And we’ll pull out for one more win”¦ etc.
c) Texas Sucks, Texas Sucks/ And Texas really sucks/ Texas Sucks, Texas Sucks/ And Texas really sucks”¦ etc.
15. How do you know you’re a Longhorn fan?
a) You constantly brag about your tradition without realizing you really don’t have much
b) You wear cowboy boots with nice button-up shirts and comb your hair over the to side. Otherwise known as the “Guido Douche Look of the South.”
c) You think Varsity Blues was a better movie than The Godfather
d) You actually go to Sam Houston State
e) No, actually you didn’t graduate high school. But no one has to know.
f) You still think you won the Big 12 title in 2008
g) You pee sitting down
h) You would take a bullet for Vince Young, including the one he nearly shot himself with last year
i) You have three sons named, Major, Mayjor and Maijor
j) Your best quality is your mullet
k) Your name is actually Daniel, but you insist on going by “Colt”
l) You think Ricky Williams is a Hall of Famer and totally got a bad rap for all that pot smoking
m) You left halfway through this quiz
n) All of the above and much, much more
16. Why did Colt McCoy grow a mustache during the summer?
a) Solidarity with his offensive line
b) To be funny
c) He lost a bet
d) To audition for a part in his girlfriend’s newest film
17. What is the state of Texas’ greatest contribution?
b) George W. Bush
18. Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley are:
a) Childhood best friends
19. During this series who has been the biggest thorn in the Longhorns side?
a) Bob Stoops
b) Jason White
c) Adrian Peterson
d) Barry Switzer
e) Chris Simms
20. What is the best part of Texas?
a) The State Fair
b) The Alamo
c) The Austin clock tower
d) I-35 North
And as good as I-35 North is period because it takes you out of Texas, nothing is sweeter than jumping back on it headed across the Red River with a win under your belt. The air smells sweeter, the grass is greener, KT Video is just a little less noticeable and The River looks a little more crimson than red. Everybody has their thoughts about the game. Texas wants revenge. OU wants to spoil Texas’ season. OU can’t stop Colt McCoy. Texas can’t stop Sam Bradford. And it goes on and on and ultimately means nothing. Who knows what will happen Saturday, but I am sure about one thing and will forever be certain about it: Texas sucks today, tomorrow, the next day and for the rest of my life. That much we can absolutely be sure of.
Oh and if you actually need a key for this, you’re either a Poke or not from ’round these here parts. Boomer freaking Sooner.
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