Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Let’s Toss Around Some Mud

Oklahoma Governor Candidates

(Be sure to read Clark’s PL&T column about the most important thing in basketball - the way you look.)

I guess it’s Political Thursday seeing what Clark wrote earlier. But maybe everybody’s feeling it since we are basically one year away from the 2010 Oklahoma gubernatorial election. Brad Henry has run his course and that means one of four current contenders – Republicans Randy Brogdon and Mary Fallin and Democrats Jari Askins and Drew Edmondson – will be leading this great state (of course, I guess others could toss their name in the hat still…).

That means we’re going to have a full year of campaigning, speeches and most importantly, subtle smearing and mud-slingling. The last two are the best part about any political campaign. You’ve got to love how one candidate totally rips into another and then acts like they’re the one being smeared and talks about how they want a clean campaign. It’s a beautiful thing.

So right now, I’m putting my name in to be any of the candidate’s smear campaign director. I have ideas people. And just pointing out crap about tax reform and voting records won’t get it done. News flash: nobody cares. Oh, what’s that? Mary Fallin voted against some bond issue in 1992? Well forget her! So I’m going to toss out a few. Some may stick, some may not. But the best part about all of them is that none are based in fact and are completely untrue. Which is the absolute best way to smear an opponent. So join me on the other side for some good political smack talk.

  • Randy Brogdon applauds at the end of movies.
  • Drew Edmondson purposely puts change in his pockets in the morning so that he can jingle it when he walks into rooms.
  • Jari Askins thinks Sinbad is funny.
  • Mary Fallin owns the movie Snow Dogs on Blu-Ray.
  • Jari Askins called in and nominated a friggin NASCAR driver for Big Dog Daddy for the sixth consecutive week. I mean, seriously.
  • Randy Brogdon agrees that Kobe Bryant got fouled on that play.
  • Mary Fallin thinks she sings EXACTLY like Taylor Swift in the car when she turns the radio up so loud that she can’t hear herself.
  • Speaking of, Randy Brogdon thinks he sings just like Garth Brooks, especially in that low voice like in “Friends In Low Places.”
  • Drew Edmondson went 3-21 from the floor against the Blazers last Sunday, told Dez Bryant to lie and hurt Sam Bradford’s shoulder.
  • Jari Askins sleeps eight hours a night. Well, I guess she’s pretty average when it comes to that.
  • Randy Brogdon thinks The Dark Knight was more of a masterpiece than The Godfather: Part II.
  • Mary Fallin likes to work in an Anchorman quote in routine conversations.
  • Drew Edmondson thinks The Oklahoman is “totally biased” toward OU sports.
  • Jari Askins watches Ugly Betty.
  • Randy Brogdon ALWAYS eats the last Bagel Bite.
  • Mary Fallin’s middle name is Hussein.
  • Randy Brogdon swears it was him that started the Rayban Aviator fad.
  • Jari Askins thinks tornadoes “aren’t that bad.”
  • Randy Brogdon says he does an awesome Christopher Walken impression.
  • Drew Edmondson grew up in Muskogee. Wait, that’s actually true.
  • Mary Fallin thinks that the Bible is and I quote, “Good fiction, but not quite up there with the Lord of the Rings trilogy”.
  • Jari Askins just sent you a forward and you need to send it to five more people. Or die.
  • Randy Brogdon invented the kinds of plugs that cover up both outlet slots.
  • Drew Edmonson picks up hookers. But with his back and not his legs.
  • Mary Fallin swears Slapout isn’t a town, it’s a movie starring Paul Newman.
  • Jari Askins is a Democrat. Oh, that one’s true too.
  • Drew Edmundson thinks Cameron Diaz wasn’t hot in The Mask.
  • Randy Brogdon says, “Now thats what I’m talking about” after every meal.
  • Mary Fallin and Jari Askins got in a fight when they both showed up to a Halloween party dressed as Kanye West.
  • Drew Edmondson thinks Holly Hunter’s accent is sexy.
  • Back when she was a waiter, when a customer would order a Coca-Cola Classic, Jari Askins would routinely respond, “Is Pepsi alright?” as if the two tasted remotely the same.
  • Randy Brogdon’s four favorite sports teams: the Lakers, the Yankees, Notre Dame and the Dallas Cowboys.
  • Drew Edmondson thinks Jenni Carlson is, “Right up there with Jim Murray.”
  • Jari Askins doesn’t like the Kiss Cam.

So you be the judge. Who sucks the least, now that we know some of the real dirt about them? All I know is I wish Mayor Mick could double as both mayor and governor, kind of like a player-coach. I guess the only bad thing about him is that he used to work at Channel 5, which is absolutely true.

One year to decide people. Vote intelligently. And be sure you’ve got the facts.

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Comments

  1. If Brad Henry doesn’t have aspirations for the Senate, I would TOTALLY support a trade scenario where he sells his place in Utica Square and buys something in Heritage Hills to become mayor, while Mick gets to be governor!

    But if there is ANY chance of Brad Henry dislodging the cancer of the Senate that goes by the name of Coburn, we can’t be selfish!

  2. If Brogdon wins imagine all the bat-shit crazy legislation our ultraconservative legislature will get passed. Almost worth it for the entertainment value.

  3. Drew Edmondson wears cowboy hats backwards (wait — that’s true, see: http://whatsundermyhat.wordpress.com/

    Randy Brogdon will call and bug you during the middle of dinner to buy a new security system (wait — that’s true)

    RUN DMC’s “Mary Mary” was written about young groupie Mary Fallin.

    Jari Askins is pissed that the old school line isn’t “Jari, Jari, why you buggin'”

  4. Mary Fallin is marrying some dude named Christenson just so she can get the religious right vote.

    Jari Askins is the long lost twin of Mike Turpen.

  5. I heard Jari Askins kept the widow Columbo from being evicted by just telling Signor Roberto to “Ask your friends in the neighborhood about me.” I also heard the rent stayed lik-a before.

  6. –Mary Fallin thinks that the Bible is and I quote, “Good fiction, but not quite up there with the Lord of the Rings trilogy”.

    I thought mud-slinging was supposed to be NEGATIVE. If she started saying stuff like this, I would vote for her.

  7. Randy and Jari went with the two flags behind them, guess that shows they support both America and Oklahoma. Mary decided just to go with the American flag, guess since she is in Washington that made more sense.

    Drew decided to avoid the flag, and go with a nothing behind him. Guess he felt he is above all that. Perhaps since he is running for the supreme leader of Oklahoma he felt it best for the voters not to become confused by a flag or other symbol, since we would be voting for him, and he wants to be that symbol, rather than a silly flag.

    The Onion couldn’t have picked a better group of candidates for public office. It is difficult to determine who is the lesser of evil with these four.

    Couldn’t we get one of the candidates from the last California Guberatorial election. Couldn’t we get Gary Coleman or some porno star? Of course if they were from out of state Drew would have them arrested for circulating a petition for an interesting candidate.

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