Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Actual Mail From Fake Readers

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(Make sure to read Clark at Daily Thunder.)

You know what’s popular nowadays? Reader feedback. Everyone is trying to incorporate the general public in things. Text 455 to say if you like red more than blue … Chat at 11 with OSU beat writer Brandon Chatmon … Comment on this story … Tweet and Facebook us. So I’m joining the party and opening up to some reader mail here. Note: These may not be actual readers.

Hey you guys! Did you know basketball season starts this week? ““ Jeff Capel and Travis Ford

Huh? Seriously? I kind of forgot they played basketball in college. You know, ’cause we’re Big League now. But the season does kick off for both state schools this week and both fan bases should be pretty excited. OU has another National Player of the Year candidate in Willie Warren and a group of very exciting young freshmen. One even with the nickname “Tiny”. Because he’s fat you see.

OSU has got James Anderson and Travis Ford’s frenetic, fast paced, shoot-it-when-you-catch-it offense that is extremely entertaining. And Keaton Page is always fun to look at in a what-type-of-mythical-forest-creature-does-he-resemble kind of way.

Plus the Big 12 is LOADED with talent. Realistically, there could be as many as nine (nine!) first round picks out of the conference alone. Who are these players you ask? I’d say: Willie Warren, James Anderson, Cole Aldrich, Xavier Henry, Tyshawn Taylor, Sharon Collins, Craig Brackins, Avery Bradley and Damien James. Not to mention the one or two guys that come out of nowhere and have a good year only to be overrated in the draft because of a nice junior season. But there will be a lot of good basketball played in the Big 12 this year. Which is good, because I’ve been telling myself that OU is actually a basketball school for about a month now.

If I’m a mailman and I see a Cash For Gold envelope, I’m taking it. ““ My friend Andy

Nothing much to add here, but seriously, are those envelopes really marked “Cash For Gold”? If so, not so brilliant. Because either way, something of value is in there. And you know how people are. Scumbags they are.

WHHHYY? WHHHHHHHHHY?”“ Brody Eldridge, Sam Bradford, Jarvis Jones, Auston English, Jermaine Gresham, Ryan Broyles, DeMarco Murray and Sooner Nation in general

What did we do to deserve this? Non-OU fans, don’t answer that. But that’s all I do at night. Sit in a corner, hold my lucky OU shirt, rock back and forth and softly whimper “WHHHHHYYYY?” in true Nancy Kerrigan fashion. Why indeed. Why.

Seriously though, how much do I suck? ““ Norman/Moore I-35 Construction

I realize there will be construction here from now until the end of times, but I just wish I knew why. I think a great idea would be for ODOT to launch a website that tracks the progress for different projects, tells us why in the fudge they are doing it, how long it’s SUPPOSED to take and finally the actual estimated date of completion. Would this be that hard? I realize this is an ongoing issue that we all whine about often, but I-35 construction needs to be complained about at least once a month. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be a true Oklahoman.

Is this what Dewey, Oklahoma will be known for now? ““ Andy Smith, Pittsburgh State guard and Dewey native.

If you haven’t seen it, watch. Kansas forward Marcus Morris lays out Smith en route to a monster dunk. If that would have happened on Sunday, I think Morris would have been flagged 15 yards for hitting a defenseless receiver. It looked like Ronnie Lott sniffing out a crossing route.

That wasn’t a posterizing. That wasn’t a facial. That was a total DESTRUCTION OF PRIDE. This is what it looks like to literally see a player’s confidence and pride completely obliterated. And for some reason, former Tulsa broadcaster John Anderson had to highlight the fact that poor Andy Smith is from Dewey, OK. So this week, when Dewey pops into your mind, as I’m sure it often does, think of Andy Smith.

Is it a gift from God that Chick-Fil-A is now EVERYWHERE in Oklahoma? – Me

I don’t know if it was necessarily divine, but good heavens it’s awesome. I love not being able to drive more that five square miles and not see that gorgeous cursive sign. Chick-Fil-A used to be the only reason you’d agree to go shopping with your girlfriend because you knew there was one in the mall. But now there are stores with playplaces and free refills and tables that you don’t have to kill someone to sit at. It’s so wonderful.

More annoying: the way I talk or a cricket chirping outside your window while you’re trying to sleep? ““ Shawnee Honda Motor Sports Chick

Have you heard this commercial on the radio? It’s torture. She over-enunciates everything to the point I feel like she’s doing a bad impression of someone. It almost sounds like she recorded each word individually and some guy edited it all together. I don’t know what commercial is worse, that or EDMONDHUNDAI EDMONDHUNDAI EDMONDHUNDAI. Both make me want to veer off and drive my truck into a shallow pond. I guess it doesn’t piss me off that much.

(Speaking of crickets: SHUT THE EFF UP. First off, how in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks do you make that stupid sound? And why must you do it for five straight hours? I HEAR YOU. YOU’RE RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. And what’s the crickets goal for making it? Mating? Is he hoping I’ll get so annoyed that I’ll open the window and let him in? Is he singing and in the cricket world that actually sounds good? The worst part is when the cricket stops for 30 second and everything goes silent. You think it’s over so you roll over and settle in for some awesome sleep, but nah, that cricket was just screwing with you. He’s back and he’s going to scream louder than ever. Can you tell that there is currently a cricket RIGHT BY ME? F you cricket.)

Do people really pay me $599 for picks and all I’m doing is guessing just like you would do? Yes, yes they do. ““ The Fat Jack

I hear him talk every week, but I don’t get it. Why would anyone sign up for one of these “services”? There is no science to picking. There is no true expert picker, except for Matthew McConaguhey in that one movie. He was pretty good. But sports can’t be predicted. That’s why we watch the stupid things. Because even though you think you know what will happen, most times it doesn’t. It’s like the Principle of Sport or something. I understand people gamble on sports – even though I don’t have any clue why – but pick your own games.

Trust me, The Fat Jack doesn’t know any more than you do. Pick six games next week and write down your record. You’ll probably go 4-2. You know what that means? START A GAMBLING SERVICE OF COURSE! Take people’s money and laugh it up. Hobnob with Trabes and Jules and go to Vegas. And when you go 2-4 the next week, just chalk it up to being “one of those weeks” and talk about some flukey touchdown that busted the spread and make sure to divert all blame away from you. It’s not your fault Kansas State didn’t cover. It’s Bill Snyder’s and the Wildcat secondary’s. Remember that.

Don’t trust some dude on talking on the radio with your money. If you pay attention and care enough about the game to put your hard earned money on the line, pick your own freaking games. At least you’ll know not only were you stupid enough to gamble money on something as unpredictable as sports, but it’s YOUR fault you lost and not some fat guy on the radio with a “service.” Besides, The Fat Jack is always wrong. Yeah, yeah he says “Nobody gets more picks than me Jim. It’s true. Check the numbers. All my clients make money.” Except for the poor schmuck that gave you 600 bucks and went 2-7 on “one of those weeks.” Now what’s he supposed to do Fat Jack, if that is your real name.

Tell you what, I’m smart and watch sports. Give me $299 and I’ll tell you who I’m picking next week. I never lose. Except that one time. But it was totally Bill Snyder’s fault.

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Comments

  1. But but…what if he really DOES have the latest scud-missile information on this week’s games? I”LL MISS OUT ON ALL THAT HIGH-ROLLING, AND BUYING BENTLEYS!

  2. Personally, I don’t have a problem with Fatass Jack. He give picks and takes peoples money…whatever.

    But, what I do hate is when he is on the Sports Animal. I tune in to catch up and listen to sports talk, and what to I hear….some guy wanting to sell me his picks, with all these magical guarantees. What kind of f’n infomercial is this? If I wanted to listen to infomercials I’d watch QVC.

  3. “More annoying: the way I talk or a cricket chirping outside your window while you’re trying to sleep? ““ Shawnee Honda Motor Sports Chick”

    God…Yes! Thank you, I thought I was the only one. Why the hell does that girl talk that way? She over-emphasizes the end of EVERY sentence by trailing off and making her voice go lower. Sounds like Ben Stein without the excitement.

    Too bad they don’t run the TV ads anymore though…she was at least “Shawnee hot”.

  4. One of the chapters of “Yardbird” contains the fabled meeting between Traber and Fat Jack in the Mexican Minors. I’m at page 28 right now.

  5. Re: Shawnee Honda Motor Sports, I knew I couldn’t possibly have been the only one, I was just waiting for other people to talk about it first. I also only have to say 4 words to make you air-stab the nonexistent radio in front of you: “Hi sugar, what’s new!” If Johnny Cash could rise from the grave he would personally punch out the people at Westpoint-e (Whatever Cars They Sell). This is symptomatic of the real problem, which is the local radio spot itself.

  6. okay, next governor, here’s what you do. Make full fledged Vegas gambling legal, including sports. Or, ban it all and get the Fat Jack off the air.
    Or, make gambling legal, and ban the fat jack.

  7. Fat Jack on WWLS = THE worse radio in the world at that moment. I was flying back from the OU-USC Orange Bowl Masacre and this guy sitting next to me on the plane told me Fat Jack released OU as a winner. GREAT PICK!

    Everytime the EDMONDHUNDAI commercial aires; a kitten dies somewhere.

  8. EDMONDHUNDAI EDMONDHUNDAI EDMONDHUNDAI is annoying, but the most annoying commercial right now for me is that stupid June Carter and Johnny Cash “Jackson” mimic from West Point CJD (That’s Chrysler Jeep and Dodge yall!)

  9. “Actual mail from fake readers.” Good rip-off of SportsNation on ESPN2. Michelle Beadle is the best thing on television today. s
    Sorry, LostOgles…you’re no Michelle Beadle. And count me in as hitting the radio button every time I hear “Hi Sugar, What’s New?” And don’t these people know how to spell West Point? Sheesh.

    On the other hand…listening to the Shawnee Honda chick is like a looking at a car accident when you drive past. I have to listen. I don’t get it…

    Dittos also on Fat Jack. Nothing makes me switch the station faster than his annoying voice. Couple it with Traber’s voice coming out of the same speakers and I’m looking for a chalkboard to scratch my fingernails across.

  10. When you’re a genius, you keep your secrets to yourself. When you’re full of s***, you get a radio show and just yell loudly until somebody believes you. Thats why Fat Jack and Human Jim Traber are pals.

    And does any local car dealership come up with an original advertising idea? It’s all re-worded songs and unfunny copies of other commericals or currents events.

    Also, if you liked “Let our family build your family’s home”. You must love…”Life is good, livin’ in a Richardson hooooooommmmmmmeeeeee”

  11. A few months back, I called both local sports radio stations to inquire whether the Shawnee Honda lady intentionally spoke that way, knew how terrible she sounded, or just happened to be the new trophy wife of the owner. The Sports Animal had no comment. TJ Perry just laughed and said he doesn’t have to listen to her. Alas, I’m not giving up…have to be in Shawnee tomorrow for a hearing, I think I’ll stop by the store and find out if this is intentional for the sake of standing out or just a cruel way of making me wish I was deaf.

  12. “It’s not your fault Kansas State didn’t cover. It’s Bill Snyder’s and the Wildcat secondary’s. Remember that.” Lmao. Look I know I screwed you this time. But it’s gonna hurt even less next time. Because I’M gonna be a cool dude and GIVE YOU a deal. And it always seems like Trabes is beating the Fat Jack in picks this week. A week turns into a month pretty fast. But the Fat Jack is famous yall. He was on Cable TV on a blackjack table. EDMONDHUNDAI has got to go. I thought NormanNobody got ran off? Hope I don’t get blasted but the Chad Stevens Dos Equis type commercial is funny. Come owwwwwn. The girl in the cash for Gold commercial “from my first marriage”. Makes me think that the reason the marriage ended. Is probably because she kept referring to it as her first marriage.

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