Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Page 3: Actual Mail From Fake Readers (II)

Mail time! (Note: These may not be real emails.)

Boy isn’t my face red, and not just because it’s cold outside! Hi-oh! - Oklahoma City Schools Superintendent
Yeah, no ice on the roads, it’s really not that cold and yet, OKC schools are cancelled. I realize the excuse is because a lot of kids walk and being outside for 30 minutes would totally suck right now, but it’s 19 degrees outside. It’s not Day After Tomorrow cold out there. Helicopters aren’t freezing up and crashing. It’s the kind of cold where you just might have to do the thing where when you walk in a door you look at someone, hunch your shoulders a little, rub your hands together and say, “Man it’s cold out there.” But canceling school cold? Now you’ve just got us looking like sissies.

What in the name of Alvin Adams and everything that is holy is wrong with my basketball team?- Jeff Capel
I have no stinking clue. This Sooner team came in preseason No. 17 with maybe the best player in the conference on the team and big time talent surrounding him. Yet they pretty much stink. Doug Gottlieb had the best theory I’ve heard so far saying that when you bring in AAU talent like this, you have to teach them how to compete and win. On the circuit, it’s all about showcasing yourself. You sometimes play four games in a day. It’s not necessarily about defending you man as it is about showing your outside shots, making some athletic plays and in general, just showing off.

Capel had mostly character guys before this. Blake Griffin was obviously a big time talent, but he built around Blake with his brother Taylor, Austin Johnson, Tony Crocker and others. Willie Warren is a big talent, but he’s not the leader Blake was and he’s also got youngsters like Tiny Gallon, Stephen Pledger, Andrew Fitzgerald and Tommy Mason-Griffin running beside him. Maybe things will get better because the talent is there and a fourth-year guy like Crocker may be able to get his team going in conference play, but as of now, I don’t even think the NIT is within sight.

JamesOn did it, so I thought I was in the clear. Right? – Marshall Moses
Everyone is making a big deal out of Travis Ford’s one-game suspension of Marshall Moses after Moses was charged with drug possession. Should he have gotten more? Maybe. That’s Ford’s call. To this point, Ford has been pretty active in policing his program. He kicked multiple players off the team when he arrived in Stillwater and hasn’t been a softy by any means. Sure one game seems light because drug possession isn’t a minor offense, but then again, it’s Ford’s call. Docking game time if the biggest punishment you can hand out besides expulsion from the team and for the most part, Moses got the same type of sentence that a guy gets for missing a meeting or skipping class.

The thing he’s doing though it staking his reputation a little. If Moses cleans up and flys right the rest of his career, everyone will forget. But if Moses does stupid again – as my high school football coach would say – then Ford is going to take a little heat from it.  

I’m just emailing to give it up to myself. That’s all. – The Ultimate
He doesn’t need a reason people.

Fire Mike Gundy! – Some OSU fans after watching The Worst Football Game Ever Played
There is a whole thread that I secretly enjoy reading at OrangePower.com dedicated to questioning The Hair Gel. I don’t really have a comment other than, that seems a bit crazy, no?

You know what’s surprisingly delightful? Using a box of Kleenexes as toilet paper. – Me
My wife and I recently ran out of toilet paper and like typical, normal lazy people, we put off going to get new stuff and just kept stealing from other rooms in the house. Well, in our main bathroom, I was doing the deed and there was no bathroom parchment to be found. And I was kind of pinned down and couldn’t rob another room. I immediately had a big “Oh crap” moment, no pun intended.

But I saw a box of Kleenexes on the counter and I busted them open. And let me tell you, it was quite an unexpected treat. Incredibly soft, pre-cut into perfectly sized squares with no frustration of trying to tear off a piece only to have it not tear, therefore rolling out a piece WAY too long, causing you to have to attempt to re-wrap the roll, which is never wrapped as tight as it originally was, which of course bugs the crap out of me. I think this is probably how royalty does it or something. Some chamber maid or slave child is required to hand cut the king’s TP into perfect individual squares for use.

Too much information? Probably so, but you’ll thank me later. Don’t act like you won’t try it.

But you know what’s NOT COOL? Icy walkways and roads. – Me again
Christmas was darn near ruined for civilization because of it. I got a car stuck in an Antarctic snow drift. I fell down multiple times. I stupidly ran out to get the mail with no shoes on and I still have burns on my feet. Then when we think it’s all over, it happens again last night. I say there is no worse feeling than the .0006 seconds of sheer terror you feel when you slip on the ice. The moment right before you regain your balance and prevent yourself from falling is the worst thing in the history of mankind. It’s like that split second before you catch yourself before falling back in a chair, but this time, there is icy death below and hordes of onlookers waiting scoff.

Some people probably got all jazzed up about it being white on Christmas. But the problem is, that stuff hasn’t melted yet and now it’s no longer white, it’s like coal sitting on the sides of roads because of nasty car exhaust is deflowering it. And plus, there is a solid chance I’ll fall again before it’s all said and done. I just hate landing on my back and having to do the look-around-to-see-if-anyone-saw-it-then-get-up-and-play-it-off routine. Give me 108 degree temperatures and summer again. Please Gary England.

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Comments

  1. Wow, OKC schools closed just for cold? I don’t think OKC schools closed for cold in the 12 years I was interned. Pussy ass kids. It was -3 in Denver this morning and I saw all kind of kids walking and waiting for busses. They’re gangsta here…

  2. If I was a kid I would totally kick everyone of you in the balls for trying to screw me out of my second christmas break…

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