Tomorrow, Republicans in Oklahoma’s 5th District will go to the polls to select which right wing nut job they want to be our next congressman.
In order to make that previous sentence somewhat tolerable, we asked our readers to email us their tales of Falls Creek debauchery. This is because James Lankford, the dude who is favored to win the election, was the director of the Falls Creek church camp from 1996 to 2009. The Falls Creek church camp is almost more notorious for teenagers making out in the woods than it is for baptisms and Christian rock.
Anyway, here were the parameters of the contest:
The tale can be about anything you experienced while attending the Falls Creek Church Camp. It can be about the first time you drank Boone’s Farm, the first time you touched a girls boob, or the first time you watched someone else touch a girls boob while you hid behind the bushes. We’ll then publish them on the website, and give a special still-not-determined prize to the one we like the best. And it should be noted that bonus points will be given to any tale that happened under Lankford’s watch or begins with “I can’t believe I’m actually writing this.”
Surprisingly, we actually had several (Yes, several) tales of debauchery emailed to us. Even more surprisingly, some of them may be real. Disappointingly, none of them had anything to do with lesbians or midgets.
Check out the winning tale, and some honorable mentions, after the jump.
The winning tale of Falls Creek debauchery was emailed to us by a reader with the initials J.S.:
Here is a summary of debauchery experience circa 1994.
We were smoking weed in the hills and heard a security guard, so everyone splits up. No one got caught or anything so we all go back to our camp after the Tabernacle service lets out. We think we are cool as shit because we out foxed this guard but after realizing 1 person in our party did not make it back to the rendezvous we start to get a little concerned. Our town’s cabin only had 40-50 kids, so when they went to do a roll call at dinner they noticed that they were a kid short. I guess they called down to security officer and security didn’t have our friend, so our counselors made a plea to the group. Someone came forward and told the story (minus the bud) and then they really lost their shit, and put out an APB, call the kids parents, etc. He showed back up a few hours later maybe 10:00. They ended up sending him home the next day.
Now the good part, we get back to town and ask him what happened. Apparently, he scaled a fence to get away from the security guard, so he is running when he notices something in the distance -a mother fucking herd of camels. He jumped the fence and ended up in Arbuckle Wilderness! He swears that he saw a mountain lion but I don’t buy that shit -those things are pretty shifty and it seems like a liability. Anyway, the image of my friend from 7th grade, high off his ass running into a bunch of camels at Falls Creek always makes me smile.
Also, touched my first boob and vag at Falls Creek, but no sex.
Wow. Weed, camels and Arbuckle Wilderness. Plus a boob and vag reference at the end. That’s a good tale of debauchery. It’s believable, too. The second place tale was great as well, but it was a little to a ghey and maybe not 100% believable. It was sent to us by reader C.D. Here it is:
As a youth I spent my fair share of summers at Falls Creek. Usually going twice a year with different friends just to get away from home. Oh the stories I could tell! Give 5,000 kids unlimited freedom for 4 hours a day… So, my Youth Minister’s Sister (Who was about 20, 21) and I (at the time 15) decide to go on a hike just to chit chat. We were walking through the woods, probably talking about how awesome God was or some bullshit. Well as we were hiking, we came over this ridge and right in front of us there was a concrete slab raised off the ground, sitting butt ass naked on it was a guy, I’d say in his early 20s. Think “Babylon 5” nerd. His body was covered in awkward body hair and gross ass pimples, probably 300 pounds or so, and he had his long greasy black hair tied back in a ponytail. Sitting on the ground next to him was that stupid “Reese’s” christian shirt that says “Jesus, Sweet Savior, King of Kings”… Kneeling before him, face buried in his “Burning bush”, head being smashed down by his enormous fat roll, was a boy, prepubescence, skinny and awkward. Oh yeah and butt ass naked as well. So, we hid behind this tree and didn’t know what to do as this kid continued to pleasured this man. So this girl I was with decided to throw rocks at them. The fat guy, got up, grabbed his clothes and took off running. In the process of fleeing the scene, pushed this kid over, causing him to fall into one of those annoying evergreen bushes. This poor kid is just kicking and flailing his arms and legs (imagine the little kid in a Christmas Story, I can’t get up, I can’t get up) He just looks straight at us, didn’t say a word. Probably the most terrified look I’ve ever seen. The Fat guy trips and falls on the concrete slab, scraping the shit out of his side, starts bleeding everywhere and just takes off running. Of course we don’t know what to do at this point so we turn and just run all the way back to our cabin laughing the entire time. We later saw the two sitting together in Tabernacle. Somewhere scrolled on those Benches you’ll find “Babylon Five Nerd <3 Jason.”
That tale of debauchery was believable until the part where the fat guy falls onto the concrete slab. According to Marisa, fat guys with pony tails are very nimble and athletic.
This next tale was pretty cool, too. It was submitted by Kevin C., but since it didn’t take place at Falls Creek, it was disqualified.
I’m Catholic. Not many people know this; I keep it a secret because the majority of Oklahoman’s are Baptist. They don’t understand my voodoo religion, with the kneeling, incense, and snacking on the body and blood of our Lord. And we all know if Oklahomans don’t understand something, they won’t vote for it (my haircut excluded).
Anyway, because of my Catholicism, I never attended Falls Creek. But I did spend my summers at Lake Murray’s Catholic Summer Camp. Like all good Catholics, I was baptized shortly after I was born, so our camp didn’t have to waste time trying to talk the friendless losers into getting baptized.
Since we didn’t have to sit through baptisms or PowerPoint presentations disguised as praise & worship, we had more time to swim in the lake, play games, and make crafts. Of all the many, many activities offered at Lake Murray (actually, it was just those three) I enjoyed swimming the most. I remember the first summer I attended; my mom forgot to pack my swimming suit. I was forced to borrow a friend’s pair of spandex biking shorts to use as a bathing suit. They were black with a thick, yellow stripe going up the sides. They fit like you would imagine biker shorts to fit, that is, skin tight. I was in line to jump off the dock, as I got toward the front of the line I noticed Stephanie was the lifeguard. Stephanie was the most beautiful camp counselor in the world. She reminds me of my second wife; beautiful smile, hair always in a bun, and has that creepy Mennonite vibe… did I say “creepy? I meant “sexy”.
As I got closer to it being my turn to jump in the water, I got a better look at the woman of my dreams. Stephanie was wearing a red bikini top, showing off her sun-kissed shoulders. A short pair of jean shorts completed the look, with the top two buttons of the fly open, exposing the matching bikini bottom. I was 13 at the time and couldn’t hide my excitement (literally, I got a boner). As soon as I realized what was going on in my pants I heard Stephanie say, “Kevin, what are you hiding in your pants? Did you steal a pipe cleaner from arts and crafff”¦ OH MY GOD CALVEY! You are so gross!”
I was humiliated. I jumped in the lake swam to shore, crying the entire way. My first love rejected me. I was hurt for a long time, but have forgiven Stephanie, because in my heart I know she is nothing but a Godless whore. Truth be told, I believe that incident shaped my future. Because of that moment, having my genitals made fun of by someone I idolized, I love the second amendment, I’m Pro-Life, and I hate that Obama!
Now if only someone will make fun of my bowl cut.
Okay, so that last one was probably fake, but who cares, those are our top three tales of debauchery. I’ll guess we’ll give JS a t-shirt for submitting the best one. He should probably give it to his friend who saw a mountain lion.
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