Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Worst of OKC: Worst Douche Bag

This is kind of a tricky category.

For one, there were a ton of candidates to choose from. That’s because Douche Bag has become a very generic term. Originally, it was used to categorize and degrade those Jersey Shore-types who abuse steroids, go to cheesy dance clubs, wear Ed Hardy shirts and buy hair gel in bulk.

In recent years, though, the term Douche Bag has expanded to a broader base. It now seems to define those annoying (and in their mind “fashionable”) men who try too hard to be cool or fit in with their respective crowd. That’s why for this “Worst of OKC” competition we selected six douches from six categories.

The categories are:

• Country Douche
• Religion Douche
• Hipster Douche
• Gay Douche
• Entrepreneurial Douche
• Artist Douche

You can see the nominees and vote after the jump.

When you vote, keep in mind that you’re voting for the BEST Douche Bag. For this category being named the “Best” is like being named the “Worst.” Make sense? Also, John Paul Merritt has been excluded from participating in this category. We want to give to other Douche Bags a shot.

Country Douche: Toby Keith

I’m pretty sure this photo is from the cover of the “J. Crew: Gay Cowboy” clothing catalog. And what’s going on with his posture? It looks like Toby is either:

A) About to curtsy to Bob Stoops
B) Doing an impersonation of a 4-year-old kid who needs to pee
C) Enjoying a nice boot being shoved up his ass

-

Religion Douche: Craig Groeschel

This guy is the founder/ leader of Lifechurch.tv. It’s the church that all the young cool kids go to because they talk about subjects like sex and money and play lame Christian rock music that sounds like what would happen if God got bored and morphed together the Goo Goo Dolls and Fuel.

Anyway, in terms of religious Douche Bags, Craig Groeschel is the salt of the earth. Just check out the True Religion jeans and JC Penny Affliction knock-off. Both of those are douchey. Plus, he does things like rent giant pandas and build an (approximately) 11-million foot tall cross in Edmond.  One of those things is douchey.

-

Hipster Douche: Matt Bacon

The Hipster Douche is the fastest rising segment of Douche Baggery. These guys typically like to expose their chest (either by wearing ultra long v-necks or unbuttoned long-sleeve white shirts), fit into skinny jeans and dabble in the collecting of silly hats. They then tell you about the next great band you’ll never hear about, the new line of Chanel scarves, and how they dream of taking ironically hip engagement photos.

-

Gay Douche: Johnathan Kayne

This guy is a local fashion designer who appeared on the third season of Project Runway. Sure, gay fashion designers are supposed to dress douchey, but what’s up with the labret piercing? The last time those things were cool was when Jim Traber made the MLB All-Star game.

Also, check out this snippet from his Wikipedia Page:

Gillaspie [a.k.a Kayne] has been featured in numerous magazines, and is on the cover of the May 2008 edition of Distinctly Oklahoma Magazine with a feature story inside.[3] On April 30, 2008 he was interviewed on KWTV News 9 talking about his career, article in the magazine, and also announced being involved with an upcoming television show on E! Television Network…

First of all, if you or your PR friend has to write your Wikipedia page, you probably don’t need a Wikipedia page. Secondly, if you’ve been featured in “numerous magazines,” but the only one you care to list is Distinctly Oklahoma, you may want to rethink your definition of magazine.

-

Entrepreneurial Douche: Jack McBride

Jack McBride is an “entrepreneur” and the owner/publisher of So6ix. This high quality publication claims to publish content related to “Satire • Satisfaction • Savvy • Social • Self Help • Success.”

Hey, did you catch that?  Jack used six words that begin with the letter “S” to describe his magazine, So6ix. That’s pretty clever, because the name of his magazine also starts with the letter “S.” It has a number in it, too. And guess what letter that number starts with? You guess it! “S.” If only the rest of the magazine lived up to Jack’s mastery of alliteration and “S,” it would be seriously super. Wacka Wacka!

Anyway, all satire aside, this guy is a serious Douche Bag. Just look at look at that sack of insert-generic-S-word. Seriously, the guy looks like a washed-up Abercrombie model who stole his little sister’s sweater. His jeans are so dark and tight Sally Kern would call him lazy.

And wait a second, is that an “S” on his belt buckle? I think my brain may explode.

p.s. – Would it surprise you to learn that Gay Douche writes for Entrepreneurial Douche?

-

Artist Douche: Klint Schor

This guy’s a local artist and makes some good stuff. Unfortunately, he occasionally suffers from “creative artist syndrome.” This syndrome, which effects 80% of all artists, leads to photos like this occasionally making the Internet. The main culprit to creative artist syndrome is marijuana and boredom.

-

Vote!

Worst of OKC: Douche Bag

  • Toby Keith (27%, 384 Votes)
  • Jack McBride (27%, 372 Votes)
  • Craig Groeschel (24%, 331 Votes)
  • Matt Bacon (15%, 211 Votes)
  • Johnathan Kayne (6%, 84 Votes)
  • Klint Schor (1%, 18 Votes)

Total Voters: 1,399

Loading ... Loading ...

Positive Uplifting Prevent Frivolous Lawsuit Disclaimer: This is supposed to be funny and not taken too seriously. Just because a person, place or thing makes this list doesn’t necessarily mean we think they are the worst. It just means our readers get to vote for them, and if enough people vote for a particular nominee, they are the worst out of the nominees. Basically, it’s not science….so don’t sue us.  Sue somebody else.

email

Comments

  1. It was close between Toby and So6ix guy, but Toby is a dead ringer in this category. And will continue until his water tower is Moore is blown away in the next eF-5 twister which is due when? Next May?

  2. I kinda come dangerously close to be a “hipster douche,” but I can’t fit into skinny jeans.

  3. I gotta go with Religion Douche, simply because they get special tax breaks when they should be paying more due to the irritation component…kinda like my FB friends who post prayers. What? You think Jesus will hate you if you don’t repost a chain prayer? And yes, they are all now on ignore.

  4. I may have to go around to other peoples computers here at work, so I can vote for them all.
    Also, where’s the sports fanatic douche? You know, the kind that fires someone for the shirt they wear?

  5. I had a lot of trouble deciding on Religious douche and Entrepreneurial douche. In the end I had to go with Entrepreneurial douche strictly because of the way he is standing in the picture like he had been on a horse at full gallop for the last 36 hours. Besides, I just feel bad for Religious douche. He just does not know any better. He knows the children are the future (tithers) and is just doing what he thinks he needs to do to make sure the future generations keep giving him their money.

  6. Well done, TLO you’ve done a great job selecting OKC’s ‘best and brightest.’ I wish that you hadn’t chosen TK, however, as he is by default the scourge of our State and thereby the defacto douche. The Walmart of douche, the Chili’s of douce, the one EVERYONE is gonna pick without requiring too much thought. In his place I would like to nominate:

    Dezmond Mason (yes, with a Z cause thats how I think his BADASS would spell it if given the choice.) This guy “win’s” an art studio next to Mcnellie’s and tries to make it private by blacking out the windows. IT’S IN MIDTOWN DEZ! Right next to one of OKC’s busiest bars! If you want privacy build a basement studio. Also this guy has she sheer bravado to charge thousands for shit my kid could produce. Seriously–fridge art. Putting a price tag on something like that is an insult….just because its for sale at Uptown Kids doesn’t make it valuable.

    Regardless, my vote goes to Matt Mcbride. What a cockbag. I can’t believe that anyone actually reads that “magazine.”

    • hmmmm, you may have had a point “dave” if you hadn’t mentioned your patronage of both McNellie’s and UpTown kids, thereby qualifying yourself for the award as well.

      *also the pathognomonic use of lower case letters in your name.

  7. Hipster vs So6ix. I gave it to hipster. So6ix was saved by the fact he’s wearing what appears to be the symbol for the Empire from Star Wars.

  8. Not that I’m defending Religious Douche, but I don’t think he had anything to do with building that cross. I grew up going to MetroChurch (the church that was at that site before LifeChurch was there) and I remember all of the fundraising and construction going on before Religious Douche took over.

    That said, I still voted for him. Being douchey and hyper-religious is not a valid excuse for tax breaks.

  9. Dang that was a hard choice! So many douches and by the way, how do you even pronounce “So6ix” anyways?

  10. Not that TLO is concerned with facts, but the cross has been there before LC.tv.

    I wonder how many voters picked him just because it’s popular to bash anybody that believes in God.

    • Sorry, but any “clergy” who take private jets to Rangers games in Dallas on the congregations dime qualifies as a douche. In fact profiting of God is no better than the merchants who Jesus ran out of the temple. It’s probably more acurate to say people bash those who hypocitically use God for thier benefit.

  11. Shite! What a tough choice.

    On the one hand….big ticket religion always gets my DOUCHE vote.
    On the other hand…WTF is So6ix??? That is the height of DOUCHE.
    On the left foot…..Toby Keith defines DOUCHE.
    [sigh]
    So many DOUCHEs , so few votes……

  12. Wow! My nose was raped by the smell of vinegar after I made the jump! Matt Mcbride needs to have RAPEST tattooed on his forehead, then donkey punched.

  13. How am I supposed to choose between the religious douche and the entrepreneur douche? They both irritate me and are on equal douche footing. Then you throw in the hipster douche, arh! My brain is going to explode! How do I choose???

  14. Don’t give a crap about gay douche or artist douche. Hipster douches are indistinguishable from each other so I have to rule out just one. And, as already stated, TK is the definition of douche. In fact, this category should be called “Worst Toby Keith Bags”

    So, Religious Douche or Entrepreneurial Douche? CG actually is a pretty cool person in an industry that sucks. Jack McBride has everything going for him: douchey looks, douchey industry, douchey product, douchey f*cking-look-on-his-face. Jack McBride it is, then!

  15. Completely off subject, but from my understanding, churches and non-profits have the same exemptions. Both also pay applicable payroll taxes and anyone who receives a paycheck, from the above mentioned organizations, pays the same taxes as anyone else. Churches, like non-profits, receive money in donations (some non-profits receive money from the Gov’t) and the money goes toward expenses, wages, and philanthropically community-based causes (providing for foster kids, feeding the homeless, and various ministries throughout the city, or the world). Why aren’t people up in arms about the United Way, American Cancer Society, or Red Cross not paying certain taxes? Is it because it’s a “religious” organization? In addition, there are also rules churches and non-profits must abide by to maintain tax-exemption status.

    • Actually, I was talking PERSONALLY. Ministers get special tax treatment just for being preachers and relying on “GAWD” to make them a living. Wasn’t even getting into the whole “I’ll start a church so everything is free and buy buttloads of land which is non-taxable” category.

      • @Patrick you’re right, I shouldn’t have said “everybody”, but “some people”, my fault! I used to audit non-profits, so I’m familiar with some non-profits that did abuse their exemption status. I have seen posts on TLO, Twitter, and Facebook challenging churches and their tax treatment, and my intent was to shed some light on the matter and draw similarities to non-profits.
        @Bless Pastors pay taxes, or if they aren’t they may be getting a visit from the IRS! Depending on whether they are considered a contractor or employee will matter in determining how they pay taxes. I believe they are exempt from FICA and depending on the state, certain withholdings. If I’m not mistaken, some, if not all, of their earnings may be subject to self-employment tax too, maybe a CPA who is more has church accounting experience can clarify. If they get hit with self-employment tax, they MAY be paying more than what non-clergy employees pay! The only other tax break is a living allowance, if housing isn’t provided. The pastor has to be ordained in order to receive this “exemption”. Whether or not you personally believe they should get these breaks is a whole other agreement!

  16. I think it’s really interesting that you don’t have a douche blogger category. I think I know how I’d cast my vote.

  17. I understand that J.P. Merrit had to step aside for a new douche. However, I believe it is his dad that just got disbarred for stealing client funds. Sounds douche worthy to me. Consider this a write in vote for John M. Merritt….keepin’ it in the family.

Previous Post Ogle Nuggets: 08/16/2011
Next Post Gentle Travels: Eischen’s Bar