Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

11 publicity stunts to make Hanson relevant again

For those of you with a few bones in the bank, the 7,000+ square foot dream home of the Hanson family will be up for auction next week.

Located in Mounds, this ranch style house is centered on 120 acres of pure wooded privacy. With six bedrooms, a swimming pool, barn, guest house, pond, and a custom recording studio, all you need are a couple of porn stars and a bag of coke to turn your Dirk Diggler dreams into reality. Only the great P.T. Anderson and “God Only Knows” on a film soundtrack could make a washed-up porn star picnic look like a blast. Yep, I watched Boogie Nights yesterday and it left me mildly intrigued.

But seriously, click here if you’re genuinely interested in owning a little piece of Tulsa history.

You know you’ve hit a new low when the most newsworthy thing about you is that your parents are now empty-nesters and decided to downsize. Poor boys. One-hit wonder status has to be tough…at least that’s what VH1 countdowns have led me to believe. We all know it takes more than a new record and a tour to stay relevant, and that stardom has little to do with the quality of one’s music. I brainstormed a few stunts the Hanson brothers ought to pull to make it on TMZ and Perez Hilton again. Check them out…after the jump:

1. Collaborate with Dr. Dre. Gen X-er’s rejoice. If Dre can’t make you cool, well there’s probably not a lot of hope for you. I’m a big Eminem fan, but lets be real: he was probably an awkward bean pole until Dre stepped into the picture and taught him how to present himself. The Hanson boys could certainly benefit from a little toughenin’ up too.

2. Dance with the Stars. Okay, Dancing With The Stars might be a little ambitious. I bet the Surreal Life would be happy to have them though.

3. Pimp out their children. It worked for Billy Ray Cyrus.

4. Gain a ton of weight…then lose it all. You can’t stand in line at a grocery store without seeing before and after photos of someone who championed the battle against obesity. The last decade, Kristie Alley has built her career on her weight fluctuation alone.

5. Partner with VH1. As Brett Michaels proves, a reality television show can do wonders for a past-their-prime celebrity wonders! I’ve seen the Hansons comment on a 90′s countdown or two, so I know they’ve got the VH1 hook up.

6. Climb a tower and let Gabe Lynn’s dad talk you down. It worked for Tower Man.

7. Switch genres. Top 40 just isn’t working for you boys. Pull a Hootie, change your name, and break into country music. Or rap metal. Or Christian prog-rock.

8. Dramatically break up. Sometimes this tactic causes music groups to fall off the radar (ehm, the Spice Girls) but when executed properly, it can keep you in headlines for years. Noel and Liam Gallagher have turned this into an art form.

9. Date an Olsen twin. This one’s for the children of the 90′s as well. And hey, it beats marrying a Kardashian. Speaking of which…

10. Release a sex tape. Because who (besides Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter) tried this strategy and didn’t meet um…widespread success?

11. Die. Yeah, it’s morbid, and I would never wish an untimely death upon anyone (except maybe Sally Kern), but you have to admit: nothing solidifies a musician’s career like kicking the bucket at the tender age of 27. Coincidentally, Zac just turned 26.

And as always, holla atchyo girl on Twitter at @xCawoodstock.

 

 

 

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