Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

The one where an Oklahoma lawmaker tries to ban “depositing semen” in places that are not a woman’s vagina

Yesterday, our state lawmakers introduced SB 1433 to the Senate Floor. The bill, now known as the Personhood Act, is part of the right-wing movement to give rights to fertilized human embryos, including the ones that still haven’t lost their gills or tails.

Here’s the bill:

The Oklahoma Legislature finds that:

1. The life of each human being begins at conception;

2. Unborn children have protectable interests in life, health, and well-being; and

3. The natural parents of unborn children have protectable interests in the life, health, and well-being of their unborn child.

C. The laws of this state shall be interpreted and construed to acknowledge on behalf of the unborn child at every stage of development all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.

D. As used in this section, “unborn child” or “unborn children” shall include all unborn children or the offspring of human beings from the moment of conception until birth at every stage of biological development.

E. Nothing in this section shall be interpreted as creating a cause of action against a woman for indirectly harming her unborn child by failing to properly care for herself or by failing to follow any particular program of prenatal care.

According to the Ogle Mole network, the Senate was discussing the bill or something (I don’t know. I got a C in Political Science.) when Senator Constance Johnson filed an amendment to add the following wording. It’s something that would make any Beavis and Butthead or Rick and Brad fan laugh and cry.

Yep, that’s small. Here’s the text in case you had trouble reading it:

“However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”

I guess we should mention that Senator Johnson wasn’t being serious. She filed the amendment in jest and even voted to table it later in the day. Apparently she just wanted to point out the absurdity of the Personhood movement and its sexist undertones. That’s good, too, because I firmly believe that sex should always begin and end in a girl’s mouth. The amendment would have totally ruined that.

Anyway, this legislative session is going to be so awesome. We’re not even a week into it and we’re getting good material. You know Sally Kern is watching all this from her tower in Isengard and just smiling. Who knows what goodies she has for us later this year.

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Comments

  1. On an otherwise meaningless day, its sad to realize i live in a state in which aborted fetus seasoned salt is banned and where its considered punishing my child by ejaculating on an easy chicks chest… sad, sad day.

  2. SING IT:

    “Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite irate.”

    God bless Monty Python. And the Lost Ogle.

  3. I like this bit: “D. As used in this section, “unborn child” or “unborn children” shall include all unborn children or the offspring of human beings from the moment of conception until birth at every stage of biological development.” (Until birth)??????? from conception until birth??? After they are born they are not people any more, they don’t need protection???

  4. Clearly someone in our legislature missed the scene in Legally Blonde regarding sperm finding a home…had they done their homework, they would have arrived at the same conclusion as a fictional, ditzy, blonde sorority girl “…all masturbatory emissions…where his sperm was clearly not seeking an egg…could be termed reckless abandonment.”

  5. It’s sad that I fully believed someone would be dumb enough to seriously add such an admendment.

    Even though it was in humor, the fact that I didn’t think of that possibility before reading shows how much I expect from my state’s lawmakers.

  6. So, now you want to tax my MW3 video game AND make it a crime for me to rub out a “dishonorable discharge”? What’s left for me to do in mom’s basement?

  7. so its now going to be illegal to masterbate? don’t we have enough prison over populating…. the really sad part, is people actually voted for this idiot…. we got some winners in the oklahoma state senate… omg…

    we’ve got Oklahoma Public School Systems who are flat broke & don’t have enough books for the students to even take home & read or study… yet this guy is getting paid to be an oklahoma state senator & introduce this onto the floor…. I seriously need to move some other state…. or just hope for an extreme sex scandal between sally kern & constance johnson

    • Breathe. Calm down. Drink some water.

      Now,.. finish reading the entire posting. Mainly the next to last paragraph.

      • Irony: a person spewing and spluttering about the lack of books for kids to ‘take home and read’, while he obviously must’ve faced a similar shortage. Travis, I’d have to say J obviously needs to take a drink of something, but apparently something a little stronger than water, and then ponder a run for the Oklahoma State Senate….

  8. The amendment is BRILLIANT. Great way to point out the ridiculousness of this whole backdoor attempt to ban abortion. The SCOTUS has spoken and the religious right needs to learn to accept this. They seem to still be in the denial stage.

    • Cannot believe that some think Senator Johnson’s amendment was serious.
      She was simply pointing out the rediculousness of this whole bill.

  9. I am so pleased others such as HK5 still value Monty Python.

    Now, I feel compelled to spend some quality time with my wife.

    We just have to get a few things in before this becomes law.

  10. They had to go to the Old Book and admonitions against spilling the mans seed on the ground for this one. Just unbelievable. These asshats want to take us way beyond the 18th Century to years BC.

  11. I am mortified that so many people didn’t pick up on the fact that these amendments were made in jest. Especially when the article clearly says so. Geeze.

  12. 1) These are the same hypocrites who don’t want sick children to be covered by insurance.

    2) This makes every fourteen-year-old boy worse than Hitler because he is “killing” BILLIONS.

    3) If this insanity doesn’t get you to vote Democratic, nothing will. You are beyond help.

  13. I am SO disappointed that this wasn’t REAL. Make them keep it in their pants. Why didn’t somebody with some brains and guts REALLY do this and stick with it? Just making jokes makes us ALL jokes. You had the bastards and LET them get away?

    I’m lifelong liberal and have swung hard for women in public offices…and I feel terribly let down that she withdrew an obvious witty riposte. Never take a woman to a REAL fight, eh?

    Sister, I am ashamed of you for chickening out…I will NEVER trust another woman in politics until earned, not ever again.

    Tee hee…just kidding. Go to hell.

  14. If such a law were to be passed the Catholic Church would really be upset. Not only are the expected to give their female employees contriceptive benefits, which undermines their authority over women, now the priests must keep a woman handy while they “play” with the alter boys.

  15. Oops, quoted wrong section:
    C. The laws of this state shall be interpreted and construed to acknowledge on behalf of the unborn child at every stage of development all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.

    Pregnant women could start asserting all kinds of right, privileges and immunities that the smug repubs had not thought about.

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