Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft, Rounds 1 & 2

A few weeks back, I was thinking of something fun we could during the usually slow summer months. I came up with the not-so-original idea for an Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft. The premise is pretty simple. We get some people together, we draft Oklahoma celebrities, and when the draft is completed, TLO readers vote for their favorite team.

Here are the teams along with their managers. For this draft it’s all of our TLO writers. I’ve sorted them in the order they draft players.

Justice League of Oklahoma: Tony Hanadarko
The Nompton Stompers: Marisa
Wayne Payne Experience: Patrick
Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club: Chad
Pillow Fighters: Chelsea
The Dirty Gingers: Spencer and Clark Matthews

Sounds fun, doesn’t it. Before I begin with the draft, let me go over a couple of important rules.

What counts as an Oklahoma Celebrity? Probably due to our state’s inferiority complex, it seems like it’s Oklahoma nature to count anyone with ties to the state as an “Oklahoman.” So if you were born here, grew up here, currently live here, or play basketball here, we are going to consider you an Oklahoman.

How many celebrities are on a team? Six. Five starters and one alternate in case someone dies, which nearly happened to Kristin Chenoweth.

Are dead people eligible? No, dead people are not eligible. That means you won’t see any mentions of Will Rogers, Woody Guthrie or Ronnie Kaye.

How do you keep score? Well, there’s really not a good way to keep score, so we’re going to have you all vote for the best team when the draft is concluded. The manager of the winning team will receive a gift certificate to Applebee’s that I won in a Dirty Santa game three years ago.

Anything else? Yes, as a bonus to you (and us), our friend and former TLO contributor Royce Young at Daily Thunder will provide grades for each pick along with some instant analysis.

Anyway, I think that’s it. The selections for round one and two are after the jump. Check it out:

Pick #1: Kevin Durant
Team: Justice League of Oklahoma

“With the first pick in the 2012 Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft, Justice League of Oklahoma selects CHRISTINA FALLIN. Wait wait, no that’s not right. Sorry, we got our cards all mixed up. With the first pick, Justice League of Oklahoma selects KEVIN DURANT, a basketball player for the Oklahoma City Thunder, a local athletics franchise. Known by almost no one as “The Chocolate Marionette,” KD has the entire state of Oklahoma in the palm of his hand. Our scouts love his basketball skills, top-notch makeup, and ability to make absolutely no headlines in his incredibly boring interviews. He is also an underrated flag-football player. We are writing off the whole “Thunderstruck” debacle as a youthful indiscretion. We look forward to a glorious future with Kevin Durant as the face of the Justice League of Oklahoma franchise.” — Tony

Royce Young’s Grade: A+

Instant Analysis: At this point, Kevin Durant might as well be Will Rogers. He is Oklahoma.

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Pick #2: James Harden
Team:
 The Nompton Stompers

For the second pick in the 2012 Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft, The Nompton Stompers select JAMES HARDEN, a member of the Oklahoma City Thunder and 2012 NBA Sixth Man of the year. Not only did Harden once lock eyes with me during a charity basketball game the day after my twenty-sixth birthday in the middle of the NBA lockout, but he also has a beard. Harden’s ability to wear hipster clothes off the court and throw up three fingers after making a three on the court (something that all the white people in Edmond seem to think is a gang sign) make him an ideal first pick for this organization. — Marisa

Royce Young’s Grade: A-

Instant Analysis: Marissa does what the Memphis Grizzlies should’ve done in 2009: draft James Harden No. 2. Kind of a reach, but that beard man.

Pick #3: Emily Sutton
Team: 
Wayne Payne Experience

“My first instinct was to select Lord Gary England, but there’s just too much pressure in doing that. It would be like taking God or Jesus out to the bar as a wingman. Sure, it would be fun and you’ll meet plenty of chicks, but then you realize nobody really cares about you because you can’t cure the blind or walk on water. I also wanted to take Russell Westbrook, but Marisa threw me off with the Beard going in the number 2 spot, and I feel silly having three Thunder players go in the top three spots.”

“Because of all that, I’m selecting the weather-girl-next-door Emily Sutton with the third pic. This gives me the chance to anchor my team with a popular Ogle Madness Champion. Plus, she has all the different hail sizes memorized and this may put me back into her subconscious.” — Patrick

Royce Young’s Grade: B+

Instant Analysis: Come on, she won Ogle Madness! Obviously with that being a scientific barometer for popularity in this state, she’s a steal at No. 3. But then again, I only know who she is because of Ogle Madness. I’m conflicted.

Pick #4: Aubrey McClendon
Team:
 Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club

“Sure, he’s a “financial maverick” and may be turning the planet’s crust into Swiss cheese, but Aubrey McClendon is pretty famous, pretty damn rich, and he’s OKC’s favorite silver fox. Apologies to Gan Matthews, but it’s the truth. From helping bring the us the NBA to providing free Mounds® candy bars to employees*, McClendon continues to be a shining example of a good corporate citizen, with a great awareness of his impact on the local community** and Chirstmas light displays.” — Chad

* = total lie, probably
** = check back in a year

Royce Young’s Grade: B

Instant Analysis: A risky, daring pick at No. 4. In terms of current name recognition and place in the news, McClendon is on top of the world right now. For not ideal reasons, but still.

Pick #5: Russell Westbrook
Team: 
Pillow Fighters

“One would be foolish to pass up on a strong contender such as NBA star, Team USA representative, and graphic-patterned shirt aficionado Russell Westbrook. Although this seems like an obvious choice, I’ll oblige you with a little of my rationale. With no discernible grading scale apparent in this competition, I’ve applied my own two units of measure: how each draft pick would fare in a fight to the death, and whether or not I’d enjoy being trapped in an elevator with said individual.” — Chelsea

Royce Young’s Grade: A

Instant Analysis: Call me crazy, but Westbrook is more popular in Oklahoma than Harden is. He’s a two-time All-Star, a two-time All-NBA player and despite being a bit polarizing, he’s endeared to this state. But then again, I’m a total stooge for Russ so that’s probably clouding my vision.

Pick #6: Gary England
Team: 
The Dirty Gingers

“How does the deity of this website slide to the end of the first round? Did the doctors at the combine red flag him or something? Did Emily Sutton teach you your Tornado PerCAUshuns, Patrick? Did Kevin Durant tell you to get underground when an F5 was coming your way, Tony? Chelsea…well, you’re from Tulsa, so nevermind. Shame on you all.” — Clark Matthews

Royce Young’s Grade: A-

Instant Analysis:  It’s Gary England. I mean, it’s Gary England. Can you imagine if he was the one leaving to go to Dallas? I’m pretty sure we’d all be off work right now.

Round 2

Pick #7: Kristin Chenoweth
Team:
 The Dirty Gingers
Previous Selections: Gary England (Rd 1)

“We decided on the rags to riches story of Kristin Chenoweth, mostly because our wives enjoy it when she makes appearances on The Ellen Show. It was really out of our hands. But she has boobs, which is enough.” — Spencer

Royce Young’s Grade: B

Instant Analysis: I’m a little uncomfortable with her being the face of Thunder fandom. I appreciate the fact she loves the team, but she strikes me as the kind of fan that calls the players “The boys” and thinks Desmond Mason is still on the roster.

Pick #8: Olivia Munn
Team: Pillow Fighters
Previous Selections: Russell Westbrook (Rd 1)

“Olivia goes to Comic-con every year. Homegirl can definitely fight off evil robots and zombies–I know this because she explicitly explains how to in her book. Olivia Munn has built her entire career on being a pseudo-nerd superwoman. This leads me to believe that she would fare decently in a fight to the death, so long as that fight was against fictional beings. Plus, hello, Olivia Munn is a regulation hottie! She’s become my own personal Jesus since I caught her supporting role in “Magic Mike.” Learning Olivia’s trade secrets whilst trapped in a vessel with her seems like a great education opportunity. One day, we’ll fondly remember 2012 as the year Olivia Munn became a household name.” — Chelsea

Royce Young’s Grade: A+

Instant Analysis: Did you see her at the ESPYs? I mean… DID YOU SEE HER AT THE ESPYs?

Pick #9: Chuck Norris
Team: 
Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club
Previous Selections: Aubrey McClendon (Rd 1)

“With my 2nd pick in the Oklahooey-Woohah Draft, I’m going to use Patrick’s actual-celebrity-inspired “Oklahoma Citizenship Rule ” to select none other than Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris of Ryan, OK and also movies, I think. This is clearly the most ass-kicking pick possible, unless someone chooses Jore Mendoza, Toby Keith’s professional donkey trainer.”

“Carlos’s tireless efforts to make the name “Chuck” cool have lasted for several hundred decades. But it was his dedication to what he called “footie boxing” that made him a star. Once he got to Hollywood and realized that it was actually just plain ol’ karate that he’d taught himself in that barn in Ryan, he felt dumb. But somehow validated.” - Chad

Royce Young’s Grade: D+

Instant Analysis: If this pick were being made in 2006 when those Chuck Norris jokes were actually kind of funny, then this would’ve been a home run. Now it’s like drafting Paul Thompson.

Pick #10: Joleen Chaney
Team: 
Wayne Payne Experience
Previous Selections: Emily Sutton (Rd 1)

“Anytime you have the chance to select a fun loving country girl riding on tilt a whirl you have to do it. She has a left foot, fast car, she’ll run you over where you are. She’s so fine she’s got the whole world watching. Straight shootin, high-falluting, I don’t know. Everyday she’s putting on a brand new show! Okay, those are the lyrics to Little Bit of JoJo, but I don’t care. I have Joleen Chaney and Emily Sutton on my team. This is the Oklahoma Celebrity Draft equivalent of Montana to Rice, only Emily and JoJo are much better looking.” — Patrick

Royce Young’s Grade: B+

Instant Analysis: Versatile, big time wingspan, great motor, puts teammates first, great athlete. And extremely attractive.

Pick #11: Mat Hoffman
Team: The Nompton Stompers
Previous Selections: James Harden (Rd 1)

“May Hoffman is the man who is single-handedly responsible for the worst bike wreck in the history of Edmond, Oklahoma, and the scar I still have above my left eyebrow from said wreck. If it weren’t for his crazy stunts, 6-year old Marisa probably wouldn’t have borrowed the neighbor boy’s BMX bike and promptly wound up face-first in some gravel. Also, since my fifth grade teacher was his mother-in-law, Hoffman gave our class cool stickers and stuff and taught us all about entrepreneurship and following our dreams. Mat Hoffman truly is the inspiration for my crash-and-burn lifestyle, and a great addition to our team.” — Marisa

Royce Young’s Grade: C

Instant Analysis: One of the few picks I can actually measure with a real life scenario. I was at McNellie’s with Patrick one random afternoon taking in happy hour and this nice lady sitting next to me points out that Mat Hoffman is sitting over there. I say, “Wow! Mat Hoffman! The dude from 30 for 30!” Two things though: I totally didn’t recognize him without him being pointed out to me and despite being a little buzzed, I was able to fight the urge to go over and say, “HEY YOU’RE MAT HOFFMAN COOL.” Kind of the Oklahoma celebrity litmus test.

Pick #12: Brad Pitt
Team: 
Justice League of Oklahoma
Previous Selections: Kevin Durant (Rd 1)

“Is Brad Pitt still available? How is that possible? He’s Brad Pitt! Look, it’s completely accurate that he’s barely an Oklahoman, but rules are rules, and the guy qualifies. He was in Se7en, Fight Club, and Ocean’s Eleven. We consider his performance in Snatch as short of legendary.. He was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive! As in, there was no one sexier anywhere on Earth! He makes approximately 78 billion dollars per movie. He gets to see Angelina Jolie naked. Justice League of Oklahoma is excited to welcome Brad Pitt to the organization.” — Tony

Royce Young’s Grade: B-

Instant Analysis: We all love to claim him and say things like, “Hey, did you know Brad Pitt is from Oklahoma?” To which the other person says, “I thought he was from Missouri?” And you say, “Yeah, but he was born in Oklahoma.” So it’ a bit of a stretch here, but I’ll allow it because I’ve been that idiot that’s said that exact thing.

Why wasn’t so-and-so picked!?! Where’s that one person I like!?!  Check out Rounds 3 and 4.

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Comments

  1. I choose to defend my Chuck Norris pick, since this is a CELEBRITY tournament, not a Who’s Hot/Flavor-of-the-Day tournament. It’s like I’m Pixar and everyone else is Dreamworks or something.

    • He is in the new Expendables movie. And I believe from the previews that his role is that of “Chuck Fuckin’ Norris!!”

    • I must concur with Chad. He’s Chuck “F’n” Norris! Instead of giving you a round house kick to the head, it’s now a round house kick to the nuts. A bit lower, but still effective.

  2. You guy sould let me play. Everyone has missed the obvious #1 pick. Cardboard Jim Traber.

  3. I think that second-guessing is a big part of the fun of what drafts are all about, but it very clearly says in the rules that dead people aren’t eligible to be picked. Cleavon Little hasn’t been alive for twenty years.

    • My apologies about Little I forgot he was dead but no Bill Goldberg is inexcusable.

      • If anyone were going to draft a pro-wrestling Okie celeb, it would have to be good ol’ J.R.

  4. Ok, so I’ll make my picks even though I’m not in the league (Where was the e-vite to join?) I’m taking Ashlynn Brooke and Kate Upton. If Kate Upton doesnt count, I take Senator Constance Johnson

  5. My bad. They’re on the same team, meaning they will win the entire contest. Prove me wrong. Now, where is that missing arglye?

  6. what the eff? twice, i’ve recommended gary busey as a pick and my posts are shot down??

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