Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft, Rounds 3 & 4

Yesterday, we published the first two rounds of our first ever TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft. Before we get to the rounds three and four, here’s how the teams are looking right now:

Justice League of Oklahoma: Kevin Durant (Rd 1), Brad Pitt (Rd 2)
The Nompton Stompers: James Harden (Rd 1), Mat Hoffman (Rd 2)
Wayne Payne Experience: Emily Sutton (Rd 1), Joleen Chaney (Rd 2)
Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club: Aubrey McClendon (Rd 1), Chuck Norris (Rd 2)
Pillow Fighters: Russell Westbrook (Rd 1), Olivia Munn (Rd 2)
The Dirty Gingers: Gary England (Rd 1), Kristin Chenoweth (Rd 2)

Check out our picks for rounds three and four, along with Royce Young’s scathing instant analysis and draft grades after the jump:

Pick #13: Wayne Coyne
Team: Justice League of Oklahoma
Previous Selections: Kevin Durant (Rd 1), Brad Pitt (Rd 2)

“Our scouts think the recent backlash against Wayne is completely ridiculous. It’s like Wayne’s favorite band, Arcade Fire says: “They build it up, just to burn it back down.” Not us. We build Wayne up just so we can leave him standing. What we like about Wayne Coyne is that he sees the beauty in everything. He is the opposite of cynical, and strives to find the joy in life. He likes to make people happy, not to tear people down. We like that. Also, those huge hands are cool. “ — Tony

Royce Young’s Grade: A

Instant Analysis: I desperately want to be cool and I’m pretty sure cool people like the Flaming Lips. Even though I’m not really sure I “get” them entirely, I like to pretend to like them.

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Pick #14: Shannon Miller
Team:
 The Nompton Stompers
Previous Selections: James Harden (Rd 1), Mat Hoffman (Rd 2)

“Shannon Miller is the most decorated gymnast in US history and arguably the best gymnast the US has ever produced. She also grew up in Edmond like me, and knows what it’s like to use $100 bills to light your fireplace in the winter. She is a cancer survivor and a law school graduate, and once she graciously signed a poster for me at The Taste of Edmond while simultaneously eating a donut. We are glad to have her as the first female member of our organization.” — Marisa

Royce Young’s Grade: D

Instant Analysis: Ah, I see. Just because it’s Olympic time you think you can sneak Shannon Miller in and get us all nostalgic. Hard to get all that pumped about a “celebrity” that’s like a stay-at-home mom or whatever she does not.

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Pick #15: Carrie Underwood
Team: 
Wayne Payne Experience
Previous Selections: Emily Sutton (Rd 1), Joleen Chaney (Rd 2)

“My favorite thing about Carrie Underwood, besides the obvious facts that she’s attractive, seems down to earth, and can sing, is that her last name can be construed as dirty on a very immature and juvenile level. If only her last name was Beaver.” — Patrick

Royce Young’s Grade: A

Instant Analysis: Total steal at this point. A lottery pick that somehow slipped to the third round. The Perry Jones of the draft, if you will. Though I’m not aware of any medical red flags she might have. Maybe that she dated Tony Romo?

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Pick #16: Bill Hader
Team:
 Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club
Previous Selections: Aubrey McClendon (Rd 1), Chuck Norris (Rd 2)

“Well it’s time for my inner comedy-nerd to make a pick. Bill Hader is from Oklahoma. He’s a big part of the new wave of comedy or whatever the shit it’s being called. And he’s a writer/producer for South Park, which I’ll admit to still loving. Also, Bill was discovered by fellow Okie Celeb Draftee, Megan Mulally. So there’s that. And last, but by far least, fucking Stefon. I mean, right? Damn that guy. “ — Chad

Royce Young’s Grade: B-

Instant Analysis: I find him pretty darn funny, but I have to say, I had no idea he was an Oklahoman until recently. He was at Game 2 of the NBA Finals and I was like, “Hey, why is Bill Hader here?” So I Googled him and found out he’s from Tulsa. If that’s the case, how is Game 2 of the NBA Finals the first time he shows his face at a Thunder game? Total wagon move, Hader.

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Pick #17: Nick Collison
Team: 
Pillow Fighters
Previous Selections: Russell Westbrook (Rd 1), Olivia Munn (Rd 2),

“I don’t think I could explain all the reasons why being trapped in an elevator with Nick “Gentle Hands” Collison would be a delightful treat without it turning into something that resembles an excerpt from “50 Shades of Grey.” Later, we’d snuggle and wax poetic about Chuck Klosterman essays and Frank Ocean’s new album. The scene I’m picturing right now is quite idyllic, you guys. As for a fight to the death, well, he’s 6’10″ and has a 7″ wingspan. We’ve all seen him selflessly take those tackl– I mean charges on the court with the utmost athleticism. Safe to say, my man Nick would kick some ass and look completely dreamy fighting in a battle royale. There’s obviously room for some Nicky C. on Team Chelsea.” — Chelsea

Royce Young’s Grade: A+

Instant Analysis: Do you really expect me to give anything less? I’m also putting a smiley face sticker next to this A+ along with “Great Job!” in red ink at the top.

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Pick #18: Blake Griffin
Team: 
The Dirty Gingers
Previous Selections: Gary England (Rd 1), Kristen Chenoweth (Rd 2),

“We’ll stick with basketball, but diverge from the Thunder. The former OCS and OU star who once jumped over a hatchback to dunk the ball is moving on up in the world. He was recently named to the U.S. Olympic team where he’ll dunk on foreigners while trying to win the country a gold medal. Also, he just secured a $95/million contract.” — Clark Matthews

Royce Young’s Grade: B+

Instant Analysis: Pretty unbelievable that he’s slipped this far, but I’m kind of glad he did. I’m glad to see the folks in these draft rooms haven’t been suckered into the old Oklahoma way of thinking. That is, seeing anyone either from here or played at one of the universities as a bigger deal than someone who is currently playing here. Still, Griffin is a mega NBA star pretty stinking badass.

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Round 4

Pick #19: Ron Howard
Team:
 The Dirty Gingers
Previous Selections: Gary England (Rd 1), Kristen Chenoweth (Rd 2), Blake Griffin (Rd 3)

“If there is one thing gingers do, it is get sunburns. If there are two things gingers do, it is get sunburns and stick together. Ron, who was born in Duncan, OK before moving to Mayberry, North Carolina has played iconic characters like Opie Taylor, Richie Cunningham, and Howdy Doody. After losing his hair, he went on to do awesome things like win Best Director at the Academy Awards and being the dad to ginger hottie Bryce Dallas Howard. Right now, he is making the world a better place by bringing Arrested Development back.” — Clark Matthews

Royce Young’s Grade: C-

Instant Analysis: Uh, I’m not my dad. So I don’t care that he was Opie. And here’s his recent resume as a director: The Dilemma, Angels and Demons, Frost Nixon, The Da Vinci Code. Before that he had a nice run with Cinderella Man, A Beautiful Mind and Ransom and Apollo 13, but he’s not a top 20 pick.

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Pick #20: Josh Sallee
Team: Pillow Fighters
Previous Selections: Russell Westbrook (Rd 1), Olivia Munn (Rd 2), Nick Collison (Rd 3)

“So this is probably kind of creepy, but let’s get this out on the table, you guys–I really want to hang out with this dude. He seems like he’d be a lot of fun! I love me some rap music, and his boyish Bobby Brady-esque good looks sort of make my heart flutter. You never know, maybe he’ll read this post and holla atchyo girl.”

“Would I enjoy being trapped in an elevator with the Josh Sallee? Absolutely. Would he hold his own in a gladiator fight? I’m not sure…maybe the two of us should go out to a candlelit dinner the next time he’s in Tulsa (which I think is this weekend) and discuss the matter.” — Chelsea

Royce Young’s Grade: C

Instant Analysis: I’ve met Josh and he’s a very cool dude. Far, far cooler than me. He probably doesn’t even have to pretend to like The Flaming Lips. But 20th overall with some pretty big names on the board? I have to be objective here. It’s a reach.

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Pick #21: Steve Drozd
Team: 
Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club
Previous Selections: Aubrey McClendon (Rd 1), Chuck Norris (Rd 2), Bill Hader (Rd 3)

“I know what some of you are saying: “Um, who?” EXACTLY. For all of Wayne Coyne’s deliberately hip machinations and his self-imposed status as “Local Freak-Artist-In-Residence” or whatever, it’s always been Drozd who made the lips into something more than a bad acid trip turned up too loud. It was Drozd’s fierce and insane drumming that brought the Lips’ music to a tighter standard, and his multi-instrument genius is the foundation for everything since their high water mark, 1999’s The Soft Bulletin. In addition to having a classic Rock Star Redemption story arc to his life, Steven Drozd is one of my Top 10 Favorite Drummers of All Time.“ - Chad

Royce Young’s Grade: D

Instant Analysis: Not a good sign for your pick when the first thing I do when I see his name is Google him to find out who the crap he is. Oh shit! He’s with The Flaming Lips. I love Steve Drozd. That dude is such a good… um, hang on… songwriter and multi-instrumentalist!

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Pick #22: Wes Welker
Team: 
Wayne Payne Experience
Previous Selections: Emily Sutton (Rd 1), Joleen Chaney (Rd 2), Carrie Underwood (Rd 3)

“Wes Welker is a fun guy to root for. He’s short, funny looking and a hardworking, never-give-up, overachiever. He’s also one heck of a football player and married a Hooter’s girl, which shows he’s classy. But what I like I most about Wes Welker is his sense of humor. The guy is genuinely funny. A few years ago he did an interview on the radio with Regular Jim Traber and made fun of RJ’s constant need to bring up his failed big league baseball career. And we all know about the feet references he made during that press conference. He’s just a cool dude.” — Patrick

Royce Young’s Grade: B+

Instant Analysis: Not only is he a stud football player and always solid fantasy pick, but Welker seems to be a very cool guy with a real personality. He says what he thinks, is funny with the media and isn’t one of those cliché, boring athletes.

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Pick #23: S.E. Hinton
Team: The Nompton Stompers
Previous Selections: James Harden (Rd 1), Mat Hoffman (Rd 2), Shannon Miller (Rd 3)

“S.E. HINTON is an Oklahoma literary legend and the reason why I signed every yearbook with “Stay gold, Ponyboy.” Being exposed to Hinton’s work at a young age not only solidified my career choice to be a writer, but it also guaranteed that I would fetishize greaser white trash men for the rest of my life. Plus, I need a non-athlete on my team.” — Marisa

Royce Young’s Grade: C-

Instant Analysis: First thought: “She’s still alive?” Indeed, and she’s really not all that old. And after a quick rundown of her books, did you know she has only written six novels? The last being in 2004 and before that, 1988. Not exactly someone that’s in our day-to-day thoughts here in Oklahoma.

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Pick #24: Wanda Jackson
Team: 
Justice League of Oklahoma
Previous Selections: Kevin Durant (Rd 1), Brad Pitt (Rd 2), Wayne Coyne (Rd 3)

“Wanda has many amazing accomplishments, for instance being known as the Queen of Rockabilly. Among other things, she is a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, she banged Elvis and she did an album with Jack White. That’s quite a life. She is a fantastic addition to our franchise.” — Tony

Royce Young’s Grade: D

Instant Analysis: Oh come on now. Now you guys are just messing with me. Maybe it speaks to my lack of culture or Oklahoma knowledge, but I seriously wondered if this person meant to draft Wanda Pratt, KD’s mother. But nope. Wanda Jackson is a country singer that has performed with Jack White, dated Elvis and is still cranking music in her 70s. Still doesn’t make up for the fact I was clueless as to who she was.

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The final two rounds will be posted tomorrow!

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Comments

  1. How does Josh Sallee get a better grade than Ron Howard? People outside Oklahoma know who Ron Howard is…

  2. And don’t forget Wes Welker’s not so full of himself-I’m sure everyone has seen his Depends commercial.

  3. People I’m still waiting to see get picked:
    James Marsden
    Dan Boren
    Elizabeth Warren
    James Garner
    Rue McClahanan (the dirty Golden Girl)
    Garth Brooks
    Skip Bayless (might as well pick him, he’s going to lie and say you did anyway)
    Kathy Lee Gifford (who wouldn’t want her on their drinking team?)
    Dr. Phil
    T. Boone “moneybags” Pickens (he could bank roll your entire team)
    Troy Aikman
    Barry Sanders
    Jack Swager
    and any of our trio of porn stars

  4. No mention of Ron Howard’s connection with “Arrested Development” in the analysis?! That’s the absolute best thing he’s been associated with in a decade. You guys need to hire a new analyst.

  5. Where’s Traber. he just ranked in at #66 on the Heavy 100 of sports talk. Travesty, he’s much fatter. Haven’t seem him lately obviously.

  6. Charlie Wilson and the GAP Band
    Johnny Bench-Cincinatti Reds (from Binger)
    Brad Pitt
    Matt Kemp-Midwest City
    Sheldon Williams-Midwest City

    If someone wants to lose they can pick Hanson

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