Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft, Rounds 5 & 6

Here are the final two rounds of our first ever TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft. Next week we’ll get everything sorted and organized and let you vote for your favorite team.

Before I get to the picks, I wanted to share a few things with you.

• These drafts take a while to complete. With all of our contributors dealing with different schedules and their real lives outside of TLO, we spent four days last week completing this draft. It would have gone by faster if Chelsea didn’t try to draft a dead guy and Spencer didn’t throw us off by creating a new email thread.

• We should have more specific fantasy drafts in the future. Overall, these are kind of fun. I think we should do more in the future, but make the categories more specific. “Celebrity” is just too broad of a term. Next time, we’ll narrow it down to musicians or actors or men that Chelsea would like to be trapped in an elevator with.

• We accidentally created a “The Lost Ogle Fantasy Draft Curse.” Since we finished the draft late last week, we have had one draftee re-injure his knee, another one get hit on the head with heavy lighting, and a third (spoiler alert!) suddenly and unexpectedly retire from the porn industry.

• Royce Young is harsh and mean. When I asked Royce to provide grades and instant analysis for our picks, I did so knowing that he had a snarky side, but even I was surprised by the overly-critical tone he displayed towards some of my our picks. You would have thought we just told him that Nick Collison was adopted or something!

Here are rounds five and six.

Pick #25: Bob Stoops
Team: Justice League of Oklahoma
Previous Selections: Kevin Durant (Rd 1), Brad Pitt (Rd 2) Wayne Coyne (Rd 3), Wanda Jackson (Rd 4)

“Bob Stoops is a football coach at a local educational institution. He is also the highest paid public employee in the state of Oklahoma, surely due to his success at molding young men into fine citizens. It might have something to do with winning a lot of games, too. Bob is beloved across the entire state of Oklahoma, mostly because of his comically grotesque pinkie fingers. We are happy to welcome him to our team, unless OU has another disappointing season.” — Tony

Royce Young’s Grade: A

Instant Analysis: How does Bob Stoops slip to the fifth round? I mean he’s Oklahoma royalty here. As A-list as an Oklahoma celeb gets. I know we’re all jazzed up about the Thunder, but yeesh.

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Pick #26: Megan Mullally
Team:
 The Nompton Stompers
Previous Selections: James Harden (Rd 1), Mat Hoffman (Rd 2), Shannon Miller (Rd 3), S.E. Hinton (Rd 4)

“Mullally is a trained ballerina, studied the art of mime at the Quartz Mountain Summer Camp, and has an English degree from Northwestern University. Her portrayal of Tammy 2 on Parks and Recreation is truly an inspiration to librarians everywhere. Plus, she is married to a bearded man. Girl knows what’s up.” — Marisa

Royce Young’s Grade: C+

Instant Analysis: Holy crap she’s from Oklahoma!?! No idea. Not much of a Hollywood celeb by any means, but a solid TV actress that has dabbled on the big screen. I think this is what Mel Kiper would call a value pick.

Pick #27: Bibi Jones Britney Maclin
Team: Wayne Payne Experience
Previous Selections: Emily Sutton (Rd 1), Joleen Chaney (Rd 2), Carrie Underwood (Rd 3), Wes Welker (Rd 4)

“With my 5th pick I select American film actress Bibi Jones. A rising star in the entertainment industry, she has starred in such films as I Know That Girl 5, Trouble at Slumber Party and North Pole 82.”

“Leave it to me to draft a porn star for an Oklahoma Celebrity Draft and then have her fucking retire the following week. This blows more than Bibi Britney did on the set of her last movie. I nearly went the safe route and selected porn veteran Jesse Jane with this pick, but in the end I was just too tempted with the young phenom with tremendous upside and bigger breasts. It’ s probably not the first time a GM has been burned by those intangibles. Maybe she’ll pull a Josh Hamilton and resurrect her career in a couple of years and I’ll be vindicated.” — Patrick

Royce Young’s Grade: D-

Instant Analysis: Her stock just fell big time. Nobody cares who Britney Maclin is. Also, I’m giving her a D- to try and convince all of you I didn’t know who she was. Also, to my wife: That Google search for her that included clicking multiple links and going to images with Safesearch off was for business and research purposes only.

Pick #28: James Marsden
Team:
 Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club
Previous Selections: Aubrey McClendon (Rd 1), Chuck Norris (Rd 2), Bill Hader (Rd 3), Steve Drozd (Rd 4)

“I’m taking Stillwater-grown/Hollywood-made pretty-boy, James Marsden. Aside from being the emotional wreck of the first X-Men franchise as Cyclops and being on “Ally McBeal”, he seems like a good dude and has actually won me – and the formerly impregnable heart of Elizabeth Lemon – over as Criss, Liz’s latest love interest on “30 Rock”. And I guess I should mention that he’s kind of dreamy. I mean, come on, right? I just wanna use that smile of his like a hammock for my afternoon nap.” — Chad

Royce Young’s Grade: C

Instant Analysis: Cyclops! Other than that… um.

Pick #29: Jared Followill
Team: 
Pillow Fighters
Previous Selections: Russell Westbrook (Rd 1), Olivia Munn (Rd 2), Nick Collison (Rd 3), Josh Sallee (Rd 4),

“Caleb might be the frontman, and Nathan seems like the down-to-earth cool one, but of all the Brothers Followill, Jared is THE King of Leon who makes the cut for Team Chelsea.

Um, have you all seen this guy? Jared Followill can unhook bras and drop panties with a single sultry glance. Linked to starlets such as Ashley Greene, Miley Cyrus, and Cory Kennedy, this Jordan Catalano look-alike’s main contribution to the Kings of Leon is the supplementary tabloid press he gains. I have no idea if he even plays an instrument–he might just shake a tambourine during concerts, I don’t know, I’m usually too busy hippie dancing and singing along to “Knocked Up” to play attention to such minor details. Although he’s a little too pretty for my liking, Jared is a strong addition to my franchise based on his large female following, which will hopefully lead to more votes in my team’s favor. Oh yeah, Jared could win a death match by seducing the competition. Damn, my team is sexy.

 — Chelsea

Royce Young’s Grade: C+

Instant Analysis: If this pick would’ve been made when that “Use Somebod-daaaaayyyy” song was playing on the radio every five seconds, it would’ve been a steal. Now, it’s not too much better than taking one of the guys from Color Me Badd.

Pick #30: Barry Switzer

Team: The Dirty Gingers
Previous Selections: Gary England (Rd 1), Kristen Chenoweth (Rd 2), Blake Griffin (Rd 3), Ron Howard (Rd 4),

“Not only is Barry a good Democrat who singlehandedly got Brad Henry elected governor; he is also responsible for OU winning 125 National Championships. A little known fact: While other teams might “win” the national championship, the actual title goes to Switzer.” — Spencer

Royce Young’s Grade: B

Instant Analysis: He is The King, after all. And a football coaching legend. Plus, despite his issues at OU late in his career with the NCAA, at least he didn’t look the other way while one of his assistants raped little boys.

Round 6

Pick #31: Garth Brooks
Team:
 The Dirty Gingers
Previous Selections: Gary England (Rd 1), Kristen Chenoweth (Rd 2), Blake Griffin (Rd 3), Ron Howard (Rd 4), Barry Switzer (Rd 5)

“It’s always good to have the highest selling/grossing country music artist of all time on your side. We’ve talked to our lawyers and this selection includes the rights to Brooks’ alter ego, Chris Gaines. Although Gaines will be in our development league and not playing for The Dirty Gingers. — Clark Matthews

Royce Young’s Grade: A-

Instant Analysis: Let’s not forget, when Garth Brooks was putting out new music, he was essentially the Elvis of country music. The guy owned it all and even crossed genres. Yeah, Chris Gaines hurts and the fact he hasn’t been relevant for a while does too, but put on Ropin’ the Wind and tell me that shit’s not gold.

Pick #32: Amber Valletta
Team: Pillow Fighters
Previous Selections: Russell Westbrook (Rd 1), Olivia Munn (Rd 2), Nick Collison (Rd 3), Josh Sallee (Rd 4), Jared Followill (Rd 5)

“Amber Valletta is that one chick who dates Paul Blart in the movie “Hitch.” It’s pretty unlikely that dear ole’ Tulsey Town would produce a super model. It’s even more unlikely that the said model would be a product of Tulsa Public Schools. You can tell that Amber is probably a cool person in real life based on the fact that she hasn’t created any stupid fashion or modeling-related reality shows. I can’t see her wielding a sword in a gladiator battle, but I’m absolutely sure our girl talk on an immobile elevator would be riveting. Plus, I’m definitely going to need another set of boobs if I want to capture the swing vote and compete with Patrick’s team.” — Chelsea

Royce Young’s Grade: D

Instant Analysis: Who is she? Oh, the hot chick that unrealistically falls for Kevin James in Hitch. Guaranteed, this pick was made with the assistance of Google. Probably like with a search of, “Celebrities from Oklahoma” or something. Not a good sign for a pick.

Pick #33: Mike Gundy
Team: 
Rick J. Steinkraus Fan Club
Previous Selections: Aubrey McClendon (Rd 1), Chuck Norris (Rd 2), Bill Hader (Rd 3), Steve Drozd (Rd 4), James Marsden (Rd 5)

“With my final pick, I’m taking OSU head football coach, Mike Gundy. Mostly for irony’s sake, but also because who cares, right? What the fuck are we even doing with this draft thing? Anyway, Gundy has the hairdo of an impenetrable zoo animal and the temperament to match. At last check, I know that he is at least these three things: 1) 40 2) A man 3) Kind of dickish. I mean, come on: the hair/visor thing alone is instant Hall of Lame status (as is that joke). But if you need a snoozer of a press conference lit up like Hawaii in the early ‘40s, then Coach Gundy is your man. After the previous sentence, these last few probably don’t even matter. I’ll have the biscuits and gravy served off a hot sorority girl’s bare back, please. Easy on the biscuits.” - Chad

Royce Young’s Grade:  A

Instant Analysis: Like Stoops, how does he fall this far? I mean, these guys are titans in the state. Last time I check, quite a few people still care about college football. You’re really taking Amber Valetta and S.E. Hinton in front of a guy that’s built Oklahoma State into a contending college football power? Or am I just wrapped way too into the bubble of sports?

Pick #34: Dr. Phil
Team: 
Wayne Payne Experience
Previous Selections: Emily Sutton (Rd 1), Joleen Chaney (Rd 2), Carrie Underwood (Rd 3), Wes Welker (Rd 4), Bibi Jones (Rd 4)

“I’m not a woman with kids and a shitty husband, so I don’t know a lot about Dr. Phil, but I do know that my team has two cute news girls, a sultry country singer, a professional athlete and a slut, therefore they may need some counseling. — Patrick

Royce Young’s Grade: C-

Instant Analysis: I can’t stand Dr. Phil and I don’t really have a good reason why. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually listened to him talk for more than 10 seconds continuously. He might actually have really good points and ideas. But I just assume he’s an idiot. I can’t deny that he’s a pretty big name though.

Pick #35: James Garner
Team: The Nompton Stompers
Previous Selections: James Harden (Rd 1), Mat Hoffman (Rd 2), Shannon Miller (Rd 3), S.E. Hinton (Rd 4), Megan Mullally (Rd 5)

“I’m going with the only person who should ever be referred to as a maverick. His statue in downtown Norman is a landmark and a great place to pass out when you’re drunk. Ask any woman. If she had a time machine, James would be on her to-do list. Mr. Garner will make a wonderful addition to the team. ” — Marisa

Royce Young’s Grade: B

Instant Analysis: See, now this is a solid cross-generational pick. Someone the older crowd knows and someone the young folks recognize as well. And he was in The Notebook, which totally made me cry.

Pick #36: Royce Young
Team: 
Justice League of Oklahoma
Previous Selections: Kevin Durant (Rd 1), Brad Pitt (Rd 2) Wayne Coyne (Rd 3), Wanda Jackson (Rd 4), Bob Stoops (Rd 5)

“With the final pick in the inaugural TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Draft, The Justice League of Oklahoma selects Royce Young. Royce is best known as the proprietor of the website dailythunder.com and as the judge of the TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Draft. We think Royce is an absolute genius, and possibly the handsomest man in all of Oklahoma. His blog is essential reading, and the consensus of our scouts is that he will soon surpass Ralph Ellison as the finest writer in the history of the state of Oklahoma. We would also like to announce that we are giving $5 million bonuses to everyone on Justice League of Oklahoma if we emerge with the highest draft grades from the expert judge of this draft. We welcome Royce to the team.” — Tony

Royce Young’s Grade: F

Instant Analysis: This is either an attempt to completely suck up for a good grade or someone has confused me for being famous. Either way, it’s a terrible choice when there are people on the board like Sam Bradford, The Pioneer Woman and Toby Keith.

So that’s it for our fantasy draft. Links to the other rounds are blow. Next week, we’ll let you vote on for which team is best.

TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft, Rounds 1 & 2

TLO Oklahoma Celebrity Fantasy Draft, Rounds 3 & 4

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Comments

  1. Looking forward to the next draft. A bit surpised the Bayless Brothers or that chick that was doing the UPS guy for a box of doritoes, didn’t make it

  2. Amber Valletta is on the t.v. show “Revenge”. Her character got tossed off a roof this season and landed on top of a taxi..it was awesome!!

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