Well, this is some terrible news. We have learned through the Ogle Mole Network that Joleen Chaney has a new boyfriend. Here’s a picture of the happy couple:
Ugh, that’s depressing. We all knew Joleen Chaney would go out and find another boyfriend after dumping the Pharma guy, but who knew she’d set her standards so low. I feel like I’m watching my own burial. I’d need to play some Sara McLaughlin dog commercials to cheer me up.
According to our Mole, the guy’s name is Joseph. Apparently JoJo met Joseph at Joe’s Crab Shack. Just kidding. They actually met when JoJo was doing a special report on the sexual predators who were camping down by the river next to that trailer park and…wait. I got confused. That wasn’t this guy. That was Joleen’s other boyfriend. Yeah, Joseph. I bet you didn’t know Joleen Chaney has several boyfriends and you’re just wasting your time and she doesn’t like you and you should probably just break up with her and let her be and find someone else. Get over her! Move on!!!
I DMed Joleen to confirm that she was in a relationship with this guy and just so I could tell my friends that I DMed Joleen Chaney. We had a brief off-record exchange about the ordeal. Most of it was personal, like how she and Emily still have feelings for me and how it’s strained their friendship and all that deep emotional stuff.
At the end of the conversation, I asked if she would give me an on-record statement about the relationship. She said she’d do it only if I didn’t post a weird picture of Joseph looking all cool in his car. Because Joleen is kind, nice, sweet and incredibly attractive — and I was home alone and half drunk — I went against my better judgement and agreed to her demands. So now, instead of showing you the original photo, I’m posting a photoshopped version of the pic:
That’s not bad, is it? I’m not going to blogger hell (from what I hear it’s the Pioneer Woman’s Guest House) for violating JoJo’s trust, am I? Damn this sucks! Now I feel like sending Joleen flowers and hot cocoa.
Anyway, my question to Joleen Chaney was “”Is it okay if we beat up your new boyfriend?”
Her reply, and I’m being serious here, was “Good luck and god’s speed.”
I honestly don’t know what that means. Is Joseph some sort of Seal Team Six bad ass who would beat me and Ogle Army to shreds, or does Joleen Chaney really want us to teach the guy a lesson? Maybe it’s both. I have no clue. Since there’s now a chance I may get my ass kicked by some fit, in-shape dude, I did some prep work on the guy. Here are 21 fun facts I learned:
1. His best friends call him Bro’seph
2. He wears his sunglasses at night…but only because he forgets to take them off.
3. He once drank an entire shot of Axe Body Spray.
4. Maxim is still his favorite magazine.
5. His pretends his Dodge Charger is a Trans-AM.
6. His Hobbit name is Douche Baggins.
7. He doesn’t get fact #6.
8. Being the noncomformist he is, he chooses to go Laundry, Tan, Gym.
9. He drinks raspberry lunch boxes.
10. He plays “Little Bit of Jo Jo” on repeat whenever he takes a shower.
11. He still doesn’t get fact #6.
12. His favorite Jersey Shore character is “All of Them.”
13. He thinks Burt’s Bees is for pussies.
14. If you’re still reading this, he can probably kick your ass.
15. He once rescued a litter of kittens from a raging fire…allegedly.
16. In his mind, the Jolly Green Giant is kind of gay.
17. He can do several pull ups.
18. Watermelon is his favorite fruit and vegetable.
19. He totally reminds his buddies of Ari from Entourage.
20. Joleen has given him the affectionate nickname “I wish you were Nick Collison.”
21. His hobbies include exercise, eating healthy and snagging hot chicks.
Okay, so I’m joking around with all the that stuff. I guess you can say I’m slightly bitter and jealous. Joleen is a hot, fun and hopefully a very calm, understanding and forgiving girl. If Joseph’s good enough for her, he’s good enough of for us…although we still kind of want to beat him up.
Thanks! Your message has been sent!