Well, readers, we are way into the Thunder season, and there’s something that has been weighing pretty heavily on my heart. Every time there’s a game I find myself at a sports bar imbibing heavily and eating my body weight in cheese fries dipped in ranch dressing. And in order to support my boys, I feel it necessary to order whatever Thunder-themed drink is on the menu. Unfortunately, every stinking bar in the OKC Metro area does this awful thing where they put blue curacao in the drink to mimic that Thunder blue.
This is problematic for a number of reasons. Blue curacao is gross, it eats away at the lining of my stomach and gives me heartburn, and it’s fruity and lame which does nothing to highlight the athleticism and masculinity of our team. Bartenders, hear my cry! The Thunder is the one thing that brings us all together. Where college football tears us apart, basketball makes us one. And it’s a damn shame that the bars are serving the jankiest swill under the guise of team spirit that does nothing to honor the great men that represent our city on the court.
So, I’ve made a list of beverages that do not contain blue curacao. Take note, city bartenders.
My mom likes to call Thabo “Swiss Chocolate.” Sefolosha may be number 2 on the court, but this drink will be number 1 to your taste buds. Mix one part vanilla ice cream, one part Frangelico, and one part of your favorite Swiss chocolate almond liquer. Blend until smooth. Serve in a parfait glass.
I don’t think anyone would argue that Russell is the biggest hipster on the team. Those red glasses, his silly post-game interview shirts—dude is too cool for school. And what do hipsters drink? PBR. But Russy is too cool for that. That’s why the Westbrook is a can of Stroh’s. It’s just as bad as PBR, and still super cheap, and something your crazy uncle who used to work at a GM plant would drink.
I know that “KD is not nice”, but dude, he totally is. I imagine when he’s not playing basketball, he’s helping little old ladies across the street and getting things off the top shelf for his mom. His drink needs to reflect that. To make the KD, stick a straw in a Capri Sun, and be in bed by 9.
The Big Perk
Not only is Kendrick Perkins the best hugger on the Thunder, he is also the milkman. And what says milkman better than a drink that is one part chocolate liquer, one part milk, with a splash or amaretto? Serve in a high ball glass over ice.
To celebrate Nick’s Irish heritage (I assume he’s Irish, his last name is Collison and homeboy has freckles), this drink contains one ounce of Bailey’s, one ounce of amaretto, and two ounces of club soda, served on ice. Similarly, the milky color of this drink reflects Nick Collison’s year-round pallor.
The Scotty B
Take a collins glass. Fill it halfway with ice. Fill to the brim with Laphroaig. Scowl. Yell.
There you have it, bartenders. Quit pedaling those awful Thunderitas. Seriously, I don’t want to live in a world where it’s okay to combine blue curacao and sour mix.
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