Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Woodland Hills Mall has a flasher on the loose

As any other non-anonymous, D-list, obscure local social blogger can tell you, you’re bound to come across two kinds of people over the course of your career: A) those who call you out for writing about them, and B) those who do something totally bizarre and manic in front of you in hopes that you’ll one day write about them.

Option A, at least in my experience, is almost always a pleasant one. This is because I typically stick to discussing foxy guys in Oklahoma–and well, foxy guys are usually pretty charming even when they accidentally ignore you like one Nick Collison. The latter regularly ends in an awesome disaster, often including (but not limited to) shattered drink tumblers, mild rough housing, my younger sister getting harassed, me elbowing offenders in the ribs, and forest fires. I had the pleasure of running into both of these kinds of people this weekend. An eventful night indeed.

Don’t take this the wrong way though you guys–I for one love meeting new people. I especially like chatting with someone new if they’re funny or interesting have a good spot in a line I’m waiting in. In fact, it’s one of the things that I adore about living in Tulsa. It’s small enough that eventually, you start recognizing strangers; the kid who serves you your morning Starbucks, the lady behind the desk at the bank, even the chief pharmacist at the place I’ve been going since I was a kid. T-Town, it’s a great place to live.

Good ol’ wholesome Tulsa, where moms drive SUVS and young professionals play in softball leagues and where everybody knows your name. So pristine, that we can even overlook the occasional flasher in South Tulsa. Wait, a flasher in South Tulsa?

From News On 6:

TULSA, Oklahoma – Tulsa Police are looking for a suspect in who is wanted in three incidents of sexual battery, including exposing himself to a 16-year-old in the Woodland Hills Mall parking lot.

The man is described as a white male, 25 to 35 years old and about 6′ tall. He has a slightly stocky build and brown hair. In two of the incidents, he was dressed in orange sweat pants and either an orange or black baseball cap. His face has acne scars, and he may be wearing glasses.

Police say the other two incidents took place inside businesses around Woodland Hills Mall, South 71st Street and Memorial Drive.

On one occasion, the man was seen getting in a light colored, four-door car with peeling paint.

One of the victims helped police make a composite sketch of the suspect. Anyone who recognizes the man or has additional information is asked to call Crime Stoppers at 918-596-COPS.

As if Hoodland Woodland Hills wasn’t already on the fast lane towards trouble, we now have a large disgusting naked guy to watch out for. I mean, isn’t it enough of a hassle dodging those pushy salesmen at the the kiosks trying to take a fancy pink flat iron to your hair? I’d really like to drink my Orange Julius and shop for intimates in peace, thanks a lot.

I mean, this guy doesn’t even have the decency to don a trench coat and give civilians a little bit of warning. Orange sweatpants and a black baseball cap? That’s pretty much the uniform of half the rednecks in the state from September through December. And they at least have the decency to flip on some Garth before taking their clothes off.

Also, it’s funny how criminal flashers are always “stocky” or “pasty” or “covered in unfortunate acne scars.” Rarely do we hear complaints about any bronzed, muscular, hunky perverts. Good-looking naked people don’t get arrested–those sons of bitches, I presume, get laid.

Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock

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Comments

  1. In a related story several bloggers of obscure local websites have been arrested in the past for indecent exposure but……. each case was dismissed due to lack of evidence.

    Bada-boom-rimshot.

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