Here’s your chance to go on a date with Emily Sutton…

For the past three years, we’ve roasted the single and desperate participants of Oklahoma Magazine’s annual “Single in the City” charity auction. It was a popular feature and one that I enjoyed writing.

I planned on writing about this year’s event, too,  but when I went to the Oklahoma Magazine website to grab pictures, this is what I saw:

If you’re looking for a magnifying glass, I don’t blame you. That is a JPG image of Emily Sutton. I zoomed in 300% to be sure.

Anyway, since I didn’t want to make fun of thumbnail images of single losers on my site, I emailed Oklahoma Magazine earlier this week for larger photos. A day or two later, I received a ZIP file of hi-rez photos. I just assumed they were like the ones above. Oops.

I opened the file and this what I saw:

Noooooo! Not the fake magazine cover photo! I got one of those when I went to Six Flags in the 7th grade. The photographer accidentally put my photo on Boys’ Life instead of Sports Illustrated. I still haven’t recovered.

Anyway, I didn’t realize that Oklahoma Magazine sent me the goofy fake magazine cover photos until last night. By then, it was too late to ask for new pics. This sucked, because we had some good candidates to make fun of, too.

For example, we had:

Travis Mason

Before he took this photo, Travis spent five minutes arguing with the photographer about how to properly cook a hobbit.  His favorite pick up line is “Fee Fi Fo Fum I Smell the Blood of an Egg McMuffin.” I hate it when people deploy a bunch of Travis Masons to destroy my cannons in Clash of Clans.

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Jessica Webb

Today on things to never wear in a photo shoot, we bring you Jessica Webb. What’s going on with that thing?  It looks like something you’d buy at the Thunder Team Shop of the Damned. Even Thunder Princess and Brickman thinks she’s trying too hard.

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Jabee

Hey, it’s local rap legend Jabee. If I were to write a rap about his photo it would be:

I got a new shirt,
There’s a crease in my sleeve,
I gotta fuck some bitches playa’,
then I gotta leave.

Please don’t beat me up for making fun of you.

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Ashley Hurney

When your outfit looks like something from a “Girls in Prison” flick, it might be time to change. Unless you’re into that stuff. If that’s the case, then I have a screenplay I’d like you to read.

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DG Smalling

Is he a hipster, medicine man or wizard? I can’t tell. All I know is that he probably smokes pot.

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Blaire Bridges

According to her bio, Blaire’s favorite place to eat is “Strange Shiny Things on Shoulders.” Wait, that’s her favorite fashion trend. Her favorite restaurant is “Ranch Steakhouse,” which is basically Blaire’s way of saying “No thanks, you can’t afford me.”

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Ryan Doonkeen

Know how you can tell when your watch is too big? When a blogger making fun of you can see what time you took your boring Singles auction photograph. Seriously, give your watch to that giant dude and get something a little bit more practical. The astronauts have their own clocks. They don’t need to see yours.

Also, check out Ryan’s ideal first date from his bio: A night at the drive-in. Seriously. It’s casual, you bring your own wine/cocktails, and to top it off, there is really good people-watching all night.

Translation: Having sex in a car.

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Lauren Dennison

Holy crap, what evil warlock did she had to defeat to win that necklace? Maybe Travis Mason gave it to her after he slayed that dragon on Mt. Scott.

According to her bio, Lauren is the Marketing Administrator for Tri-State Industrial Group. What the hell is that and which one of her dad’s friends got her the job?

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Patrick Quick

Ah, the token “Single in the City” nerd / dork / guy who still lets his mom cut his hair. And his name is Patrick. What a deal. He probably understood my “Clash of Clan”s reference, too.

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Nathaniel Goodwin

Holy crap, two black dudes in a singles auction in Oklahoma?! Charles Barkley would be impressed.

Also, this guy claims he is a professional model and college dean. Why do I feel like both of those are lies.

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Ashley Grubb

Ashley must be pretty desperate to get married. Wouldn’t you be, too, if your last name was Grubb?

Actually, I’m sure Ashley is a very sweet and nice girl. It’s just to bad she tried to pull off something red. Only one Singles auction particpant can do that…

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Emily Sutton

I’d let her show me the seven-day forecast anytime! She’s sunshine on partly cloudy day. Too bad she’s till mad at me for posting that bikini photo.

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Anyway, what do you know, I ended up writing about the contestants anyway. I guess if you’re free tomorrow, go to Single in the City. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.