Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

The Great Cornholio tried to smuggle a loaded gun into the Oklahoma County Jail

markvaladez

Remember that lady who was caught hiding a gun in her vagina? Well, I think we found her soul mate.

The defeated man pictured above is Mark Gregory Valadez. The Cornholio wannabe was caught hiding a loaded gun in his bunghole while being detained at the Oklahoma County Jail over the weekend. KFOR’s Joleen Chaney has all the details:

Jail officials discover Derringer in man’s derriere

Oklahoma County officials were in for a big surprise over the weekend when an inmate was found with a loaded firearm inside the jail, but how he managed to smuggle it in, is what has lawmen taking a second look.

Thanks to another inmate, they were able to get to the “bottom” of it.

I hate puns. KFOR should have stuck that one where the sun doesn’t shine.

So how did this man manage to smuggle a loaded weapon into jail?

Oklahoma County Sheriff John Whetsel said, “In this case, authorities said the weapon got past a body search. A pat-down will not reveal a Derringer firearm that is secreted in a body cavity.”

Authorities said because so many people were booked into jail over the weekend, Mark Gregory Valadez never went through a metal detector before being put into a jail cell with his “concealed” weapon.

Sheriff Whetsel said Valadez began bragging about the gun to other inmates and that’s when things got a bit more thorough.

“We had our officers go up and do a search and they found a little small Derringer with one small round inside,” Sheriff Whetsel said.

A small round inside the gun, inside Valadez.

Man, this would be the wrong week to either a) get arrested or b) work for the jail. You just know they’re going to take body cavity searches extra-serious this week. If you need proof, check out the look on Sheriff John Wetzel’s face from the KFOR news report:

John Whetsel

Uhm, is he watching his own funeral or did he just learn there was an inmate in his jail with a gun stuffed up the anus? I don’t know. I could be neither. Sheriff Wetzel may be one of those guys who gets all shy and nervous when talking to hot chicks:

Sheriff John Wetzel joleen chaney

Yeah, that’s probably what it is.

Anyway, I kind of liked the KFOR report. Not only did we get to see shy / nervous / ashamed Sheriff Wetzel, but we also got:

grossed out joleen

Grossed Out Joleen Chaney

grossed out kevin ogle

Grossed Out Kevin Ogle

this guy  

The “Man on the Street” who knew way too much about “keistering.”

gun and bullet

The grossed out gun.

joleen chaney 3

And more Joleen Chaney

It really was a good report.

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Comments

  1. Just wondering how the “bragging” started. Maybe something, “dude, I’m a bad mamajama, when I say bust a cap in someone’s azz, I ain’t jokin fool”…… “any fool up in here messes with me, I’m bust out a twerk move and shoot that mutha forkin right between the eyes……..no sheeeit fool, I ain’t playin”

  2. “…so many people were booked into jail over the weekend, Mark Gregory Valadez never went through a metal detector…”. Yeah, that’s a time-consuming procedure, walking through a metal detector.

  3. Typical Channel 4 “Reporting”

    Ogle: You’re not going to believe this story. It will leave you “ass”tonished.
    Linda: A gun smuggled into the county jail. We “crack” the case.
    Lurch: You’ll be amazed at his intestinal forti”turd”.
    Michelin Neck: This guy has “buns” of steel.
    Freakishly Tall Dude: We’ve been able to verify that the perpetrator has at least one “brown eye”.
    Sad to Ecstatic face changer in 1/10th of a second: “Our investigative team has fully “anal”lized the security “hole”.
    Doofus: Well, we don’t have time for the report since we bull”sh&tted” too long so watch News-HA-Channel4 at 5:00am and see if the morning team can keep their opinions to themselves long enough to show it. Stay tuned for The Rant. Tonight’s topic: “Are people carrying guns in their orifices because concealed carry laws are still too restrictive?”
    Doofus with longer hair: “Butt” next, our exclusive interview with some guy’s third cousin who knows a guy who thinks he may have found a “chocolate starfish” dropped in Moore by the May tornado.

    • “Ogle: You’re not going to believe this story. It will leave you “ass”tonished.
      Linda: A gun smuggled into the county jail. We “crack” the case.
      Lurch: You’ll be amazed at his intestinal forti”turd”.”

      LMFAO Nice post

  4. Big John’s just repeating to himself, “Don’t stare at the rack. Don’t stare at the rack.” over and over.

    Well, that was fun. 8 more days until the Fair opens, eh? How will we fill the endless days?

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