Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Crazy Sally Kern wants to protect a kid’s right to pretend to shoot a teacher or classmate…


Whenever I read any comment from Sally Kern in the newspaper, I like to shape my hand into the form of a gun, point it to my head, and then pretend to blow my brains out. Or, I’ll just act that I’m holding a rope over my head and hanging myself. Usually one of the two.

Now, thanks to some legislation that Sally’s introduced for the 2014 legislative session, children from across our great state may have the freedoms and protections under the law to do the very same thing.

Via NewsOK.com:

State Rep. Sally Kern wants to make it illegal for an Oklahoma school official to punish a student for brandishing a partially eaten pastry in the shape of a weapon.

Kern said she was motivated to author a bill prohibiting punishment of students who sculpt pastries into the shape of weapons by an incident last March in which an 8-year-old Maryland boy was suspended from school for chewing a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun.

Kern said she’s not aware of any Oklahoma student ever being punished for such conduct, but she wants to make sure it doesn’t happen here.

“As adults, let’s not stir up problems and end up having on a child’s school record some kind of incident like this,” she said.

Yeah, as adults let’s not stir up problems. You know, like comparing homosexuals to terrorists, claiming that all black people are lazy, and /or introducing pointless, headline grabbing legislation for problems that don’t exist.

Here’s a list of playful, innocent, totally real actions that will be protected if the bill were to pass:

“It’s ridiculous,” (Kern) said. “We’re supposed to be a country that believes in freedom of speech.”

Kern’s bill seeks to prevent students from being punished for a variety of activities related to fake guns and weaponry.

In addition to protecting students from punishment for crafting pastry into the shape of weapons, Kern’s bill would protect students from punishment who:

• Possess a toy weapon which is five inches or less.

• Possess a toy weapon made of plastic or wood snap-together building blocks.

• Use a finger or hand to simulate a weapon.

• Vocalize imaginary firearms or munitions.

• Wear clothing that supports the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, unless the clothing violates a policy that requires students to wear school uniforms.

• Draw a picture or create an image of a firearm, military vehicle, aircraft or weapon or any object that protects constitutional freedoms.

• Use a pencil, pen or other writing instrument to simulate a weapon.

Well, I guess it could be worse. She could have included a provision that allows kids to reenact biblical stonings of gay people.

Seriously, what a stupid bill. As the Oklahoman article mentions, there’s never been a recorded case of a kid being punished for anything mentioned above. It basically just opens up a can of worms. What happens when some angry high school student sits in class all day and pretends to shoot his English teacher with a pencil? Will that be allowed? What if a bunch of kids at Lee Elementary decide to ditch cops and robbers for a playful game of drive-by shooting? I’m sure Sally would love that.

Also, there’s the typical Derplahoman double standard at play here. If it’s okay for kids to pretend to shoot classmates or brandish play weapons, why can’t they have the rights to make other hand gestures, too? You know, like giving people the finger, simulating blow jobs and/or wanking on their homework. As Sally said, “We’re supposed to be a country that believes in freedom of speech,” right?

Anyway, this is likely the first of several crazy bills that I’m sure we’ll be introduced in the 2014 legislative session. Hopefully the private prison industry doesn’t get behind them, or there’s a good chance they’ll all pass.


  1. Since the pen is mightier than the sword, I’m uncertain as to why anyone would “Use a pencil, pen or other writing instrument to simulate a weapon.”

  2. As long as she spends her monthly allotment of crazy on small things like this, and not prohibiting the rights of women and minorities across the state, I count it as a win.

  3. This is a double-whammy of conservative fodder: bitching about “zero tolerance policies”* (e.g. “back in MY day, it was good for kids to beat each other up at school in order to resolve differences! And it was fun to bring your huntin’ rifle to show and tell!”) and bitching about gun rights. Congratulations, Sally, for finding a really creative way to combine the two! Such a clever way to be incredibly stupid.

    *To be fair, people across the political spectrum hate zero-tolerance policies because they make the school administration blind to reality and force by-the-book punishments on the undeserving in order to carpet-bomb some social problem. So yes, we all know they suck. Some of us would rather work toward real solutions instead of getting off on fanciful nostalgia trips about the “good ol’ days.”

  4. Oklahoma, providing solutions to non-existent problems since the mid 2000’s (or naughts..? Is that what its called?).
    This is similar to the Representative that wanted to make a mandatory 10 year sentence to anyone guilty of the knockout game, even though there hasnt been a single incident of it happening in Oklahoma.
    We sure like being last at good stuff but the first in line to dumbass stuff.

  5. Sometimes I just need a good laugh. Today was one of those. Thanks to good ole Sally Kern I got one.

  6. I looked up Sally Kern’s bio. She was born in Arkansas and educated in Texas–the University of Texas at Arlington, no less. Could we send her back to one of these states and get her out of Oklahoma? She is one of many reasons I don’t miss being a Southern Baptist.

  7. Does Sally Kern remind anyone else of the crazy bus driver from South Park? You know the one with birds nesting in her hair. They had to base that whole character off of Kern because the resemblance and personality are uncanny.

  8. So if “drawing a picture… of a firearm” is allowed, what happens when a child draws a picture of a firearm being used to brutally shoot other students in class, or their teachers?

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