Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

10 ways to make Oklahoma the most miserable state…

oklahoma postcard

I love Oklahoma, so it upsets me when we are beaten in polls by states like Mississippi or West Virginia.

Last week, Oklahoma was ranked as “The 9th Most Miserable State” in a national well-being / link-baiting index. USAToday.com:

9. Oklahoma

> Well-being index score: 64.7
> Life expectancy: 75.9 years (5th lowest)
> Percent obese: 30.5% (10th highest)
> Median household income: $44,312 (10th lowest)
> Percent with high school diploma: 86.7% (19th lowest)

Oklahomans had among the most unhealthy behaviors in the U.S. during 2013. Only about half of the population said they ate fruits and vegetables on a regular basis last year, less than any other state. Oklahoma residents also reported poor access to basic necessities. More than 10% of residents said they did not have easy access to clean and safe drinking water, worse than any other state. Oklahomans also self-reported poor physical health. More than 6% of adults said they have had a heart attack as of last year, more than in any other state, and considerably higher than the national average of 3.8%. In 2010, there were 235.2 heart disease-related deaths per 100,000 residents, the third-highest rate nationwide.

10% of our residents don’t have access to clean and safe drinking water? That’s puzzling. Also, 6% of adults claimed they had a heart attack last year? Doesn’t that seem high? But don’t worry. These problems can all be fixed. All we need to do is give a tax break to the rich. Then everything will figure its way out.

Actually, it’s not the easy. In fact, improving our state is pretty damn hard. Since we’ll never do anything to combat these problems, I think we should go all out and try to be the most miserable state in the country. It shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish. Plus, we’ll finally be number one at something.

Here are some tips how:

sallykern

1) Governor Sally Kern

It sucks that she’s only one small part of the legislative branch. Let’s give this lady some real power.

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2) Eliminate the Oklahoma Arts Council

Are you sick and tired of Oklahoma getting grants and federal dollars to culture its citizens? I know I am.

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kevindurantpanda

3) Trade Kevin Durant

Let’s be honest. If KD ever leaves the Thunder, Seattle can have their team back.

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tiger king joe exotic

4) Stop helping people with major mental health issues

Instead we can just put people with mental health issues in jail. Or let them breed ligers. Here is an article about Oklahoma’s mental health problems.

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ranch

5) Ban Ranch dressing

Now your Little Caesars pizza will be totally inedible!!!!

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kellyLebrockWeirdScience

6) Make science illegal

Actually, I think the legislature already did that in 2009.

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7) Invade and conquer Arkansas

This would create one super miserable state: Arklahoma.

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Kenneth Webster Enlow

8) Men hiding underneath every public toilet

Still grosses me out.

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slow driver

9) If you drive 5 mph below the speed limit, you have to use the left lane

Because, I love it when that happens!

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scissortail bridge

10) Destroy all remaining roads and bridges.

Sure, getting around would be a little more difficult, but the government can allocate all the money we’ll save to build more private prisons.

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If you would like to be happy, you should know that OKCcomedy is bringing comedian Brent Weinbach into town. This was an amazing show last year and if you’d like to support live, local comedy, you can get tickets at OKCcomedy.com.

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Comments

  1. We cannot aspire to the top of the obesity list without ranch dressing. I’m sure you meant moving the produce section to the back of grocery stores and replacing it with an expanded cookie and candy section. Suck on that Mick!

    • Oh haven’t you heard? We lost our film rebate… there is about to be no one left to make commercials here anymore. Either that or we won’t be able to get out of our shifts at Cracker Barrel.

  2. Replace any remnant of health care with Prayer/God’s Will/It was his/her time.

    Education? It’s all in the Bible – saves on evaluating all those pesky school science books – no need for libraries either.

  3. make the kids that go to Cassidy and all other private schools in the state go to the local public schools. that would make their lives miserable, which would make me happy…so perhaps I’m missing the point…

  4. Aw, c’mon. Our (crumbling) capitol building has a dome on it, we have a giant phallic corporate HQ anchoring downtown, and we have OU football. It’s all good here in Oklahoma.

    • The most annoying thing is when one of these stories comes out the koco crew has to say “I dont agree with this” then goes on to report the story, not agreeing with this won’t change the poll numbers dwindle Harris and the worst is Katy blaky before her it was the airhead blond, name escapes me thank god….

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