Beware the jezebel prowling the streets of Lawton, OK. A teen had the audacity to wear leggings to school, and now she’s speaking out against the austere and virtuous administrators who so righteously sent her home to change.
Without a doubt, Blackout Wednesday is every suburban 20something’s favorite holiday of the year. You know that special night before Thanksgiving, where everyone from your hometown gathers at the bar that looked really cool when you were a teen (but actually sucks), throws down some cold ones, and a de facto reunion commences.
This goes without saying, but it’s going be awkward. Someone’s going to accidentally insult your line of work. You’re going to reminisce about some awesome party that person you’re talking to wasn’t invited to. Someone’s going to dramatically condescend the people who “got sucked into staying here” and I’m going to defensively assert “Tulsa is awesome you pretentious POS!!” for the fourth year in a row. Don’t worry, it’s all a part of the weekend’s charm.
The other great thing about this weekend is running into stock characters from your high school. Grown up life really isn’t all that different, except instead of jocks, band dorks, and hippies, you’ve got a whole new set of archetypes to contend with. Let me break them down for you.
1. The Newly Minted Rich Person. Whether they invented an iPhone app, opened a string of yoga studios in the suburbs, or inherited a flourishing revenue source from their spouse, you’re certain to run into an old friend who suddenly has the means to roll up in a RangeRo and buy every peasant in the bar a toast of Dom Perignon. When you comment on their Christian Louboutin shoes or Rolex, they beam with pride and utter “this old thing?” or something equally awkward. They’ll request your group’s Uber ride home despite surge pricing, rather than wait five extra minutes for a Lyft instead. They’ll wake up the next morning, see their Uber receipt, and won’t panic.
After intense media speculation, leaked cuddly Halloween photos, and me personally dissecting their tweets from the past six months, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani’s reps have confirmed that the two of them are dating. Citizens, lets give a warm Okie welcome to our newest first couple, Glake!
So, I only occasionally dabble in conspiracy theories, but it’s hardly a stretch to connect this new relationship to both Blake and Gwen’s abrupt divorces within the past six months. The timing involved is about as obvious as finding Waldo in a nudist commune. They should have hired Pope and Associates to handle this one. This could be a beautiful love story about a goofy cowboy and the Homecoming Queen, wrapped up in the midst of a whirlwind fairytale romance! Instead, I think most of us have awkward imagery of Miranda Lambert at home with a bottle of whiskey, and Gavin Rossdale trolling Venice Beach mumbling “There’s no sex in your violence.” Unsexy.
Still, this is kinda cool. We now have another famous Okie by proxy to add to our collection, and Gwen very well might be the first who doesn’t consider macaroni salad a vegetable. Will they sit on courtside for Thunder Games? Will Gwen and Blake headline the next big tornado benefit concert? Will Gwen attend some important Oklahoma event and swap hair coloring secrets with Christina Fallin? Do we still get to claim Miranda as an honorary Oklahoman? Will Gwen open up a store for her fashion line across the street from Miranda’s Pink Pistol in Tishomingo? So many questions.
Red State Grammys Country Music Awards were last night, and Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley didn’t hesitate to poke some fun at their fellow country comrades. This is only the second most awkward thing Carrie has done, after The Sound Of Music! Live. Check it out below:
In the endless Tulsa vs OKC debate, my trump card has always been QuikTrip. What’s not to love? Well-lit premises, a variety of fresh and processed foods, the candy bar rack practically glows, and the actually carry Core Powers!
In honor of my favorite snack stop, I thought I’d power rank some of the most noteworthy foods QuikTrip has served over the recent years. Feel free to chime in and let me know what some of your favorite (or least favorites) are.
10. Buffalo Chicken Roller
Of all the frankendelicacies Quiktrip has exposed us to (cheese burger, loaded potato, and mac and cheese rollers just to name a few) the buffalo chicken concoction makes my list solely because it was the freakiest. Picture chicken nugget meat meal, molded into a cylindrical patty, dunked in hot sauce, frozen, then rotated over and over again on what the execs at QT deemed a “roller grill” until they’re toasty. They’ll remain on that nifty invention until some stoned dude moseys in with a hankerin’ for something spicy and the Hot Fries are all out. In other words, they’ll remain there for an eternity.
9. QT Kitchens Pre-Packed Sandwiches
Kudos to QT sandwiches, they’ve done nothing if not stood the test of time. Despite the weird mushy yet dry texture of the bread, Tulsans will find themselves eating a QT Club Sandwich at least thrice yearly. To busy to eat a proper lunch? QT roast beef sammich. Need a snack you can throw in your girlfriend’s purse for a movie? Turkey on a croissant. Drunk in the middle of the night? Ham and cheese, baby.
A few weeks ago, Marissa wrote a post about some good places to eat when you’re hungover in OKC. I thought a Tulsa one was in order for a few reasons:
a) I’m a brunch-a-holic, and the two seem to go hand in hand.
b) I get hungover after exactly 2.5 servings of alcohol so a list like this is beneficial to me personally, as well as the general public.
c) Patrick was about to revoke my Ogle card.
Let’s waste no more time and get right to it:
1. Brothers Houligan
The cornerstone to any great hungover meal is based around gravy. In fact, this is the one reason why one of my favorite brunch places Kilkenny’s didn’t make this list–Boxties don’t come smothered in white peppery gravy.
Remember the scene in Forrest Gump when Bubba lists all the ways you can cook shrimp? This was Brothers Houligan’s approach when penning their menu. Chicken fried chicken? Gravy. Meatloaf? Gravy. French Fries? Gravy. Roast beef sandwich? Gravy. Popcorn shrimp? Ehh, why not add some gravy. Grilled porkchops? Treat the applesauce as gravy.
2. Cafe Ole
When I throw this suggestion in the ring, friends are quick to criticize this choice. “Who wants to eat chips and salsa for breakfast?” they whine.
Well, number one, I can’t think of a better time to consume copious amount of free tortilla chips than when you’re hungover and cringing from last night’s tab. Second, they make cream cheese based queso. Third, they make cream cheese based queso. Lastly, does anything else matter?
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