Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Author Archive for Chelsea

The 10 Worst Christmas Movies Ever

christmas vacation

Editor’s Note…

NewsOK.com issued more clickbait yesterday with Richard ViralNovaBuzzfeedHall’s ranking of the 8 Best Christmas Movies Ever. It’s your standard, typical stuff. It’s boring, mindless and presented in the form of a slideshow so if some sap at your work clicks through the entire thing, The Oklahoman gets nine pageviews out of the deal.

As a response, and possibly because Chelsea submitted this post a few weeks ago, I thought a fitting, overachieving response would be to rank the 10 Worst Christmas Movies of All Time. 10 is better than 8, right?

Before we begin with my ranking of the worst Christmas films, here are the parameters I went by:

  • These movies must have had a theatrical release. No ABC Family specials or straight to home video crap here.
  • They must be somewhat current. That “Santa Takes Down The Martians” masterpiece from the 1950s is funny to reference, but who’s actually seen it?
  • Remember, these are bad movies…that’s why there’s no mention of Home Alone or Christmas Vacation or Trading Places or Die Hard. We’ll debate good Christmas movies next week.
  • I realize that this list may be pretty controversial. That’s cool. Take it to the comments, moles.

 

'Elf' Film - 2003

10. Elf

I know, half of you want to take me out for putting Elf on this list. But I feel like this movie has sort of an age continuum attached to it, similar to Barney’s theory about Ewoks and figuring out a woman’s age in HIMYM. If you were young enough to watch it as just an earnest Christmas film, you loved it. If you were old enough to have seen Will Ferrell on SNL, understood his MO, and thought he was funny, then you could appreciate it too. But it you land somewhere in between–like yours truly–it comes across as something you kinda like, but would vastly improve if watched while smoking a joint.

Redeeming Quality: “Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad!”

christmas-with-the-kranks-2004c

9. Christmas with the Kranks

I actually really dig this movie. I loved the source material, I love Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis, and I saw this movie while in New York for the Macy’s Day Parade, so any mention of it fills me with fond memories. Apparently though, I stand alone with this sentiment. No one else likes it–and I mean no one. My boyfriend groans every time I suggest it. Screw all of you! Sure it’s a cheesy Christmas movie, but it knows what it is and embraces it.

Redeeming Quality: Dan Aykroyd plays the neighbor who’s way too into Christmas, the neighborhood, and what everyone else in the neighborhood is up to. You have an uncle or co-worker or neighbor who behaves exactly like this.

The Tulsa-area is getting a Warren Theatre…

warren theatre

If you’ve read my rants on food trucks and gourmet burgers, you know that I’m a big supporter of the ol’ “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” adage. I mean, just because a french fry is doused in truffle oil and gouda cheese curds don’t necessarily make them better that their original version. I’m a firm believer in this notion, especially when it comes to things like milkshakes and Christmas lights and the raison d’être of teenage vampires.

However, when it comes to movie theaters, Grandma Chelsea is all for these newfangled improvements. You’d have to be crazy NOT to prefer chips and hummus over a soggy hot dog, or a leather recliner over a threadbare stadium chair a middle schooler almost certainly visited second base on for the first time. My prefered place to watch a movie is snuggled up on my couch, in my pajamas, with a mug of hot cocoa in one hand and my puppies at my feet. Any business that wants to replicate that sort of cozy comfort in a public setting has my attention.

So obviously, I’m pretty excited about the tricked-out Warren Theater they’re building in Broken Arrow.

From the Tulsa World:

How did Okies do at the 2014 Country Music Awards?

Last week rednecks, suburban middle school girls, and envious past contestants of American Idol tuned in to watch the red state Grammys, better known as the Country Music Awards. I guess you can include me in the bunch, as it gave me legitimate excuse to discuss fashion and rip on celebs.

Let’s start with Oklahoma’s (and hell, America’s) sweetheart Carrie Underwood:

10 most exciting guests at this weekend’s Wizard World Tulsa Comic-Con

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This Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, faux masked crusaders from all over the region will flock to Green Country for Tulsa’s own Wizard World Comic-Con.

I’m not sure who was in charge of organizing this thing, but the celebrity guest roster they managed to put together is rather impressive. S.E. Hinton’s niece and Hanson’s mom this festival ain’t! I thought I’d be fun to give you moles a preview of which celebs will be signing autographs, partaking in panel discussions, hiding their annoyance when posing for selfies, staying at the Mayo Hotel, and getting drunk at the Dustbowl this weekend. Check it out (and buy tickets to the event here).
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10. Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus

We met these two in The Boondock Saints. After, Norman went on to star in The Walking Dead, whose Jon Bernthal, Chandler Riggs, Scott Wilson, and Michael Rooker will all be at Tulsa Comic-Con this weekend too.

As for Sean Patrick Flannery…well, aside from looking foxy and having the most badass name in the history of mankind, I’m not exactly sure what else is on his resume.

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9. Ernie Hudson

“Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?”

“Ah, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.”

LOIS & CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (US TV SERIES)

8. Dean Cain

We’ve got a Lost Ogle pen waiting for whoever has the balls to ask if Teri Hatcher was a bitch in real life.

Here’s another reason to never trust a guy with a beard…

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I’m straight-up sick of the ZZ Top beard. While a healthy beard can be pretty sexy when pulled off correctly (see Ryan Gosling in The Notebook or Marisa’s man candy), most dudes with excessive facial hair end up looking well…like a terrorist or that fire-and-brimstone patriarch of Duck Dynasty. A caveman beard is overplayed, not aesthetically pleasing, and the only kind of statement it makes at this point is that you probably enjoy telling people you play the mandolin and pay way too much for shitty coffee.

Not to mention, something about an navel-length beard is inherently creepy. Pair that with shifty eyes or any kind of atypical behavior, and you can’t really blame the public for some sort of moral panic. Is it right? Of course not, you’re a Lost Ogle reader and therefore know the derplahoman dangers of jumping to conclusions based on physical appearance.

So can we really blame the locksmith for this sort of a mix-up? From New on 6: