In case you all have forgotten, I’m Chelsea and there was a sweet and tender period in Ogle history where I was your resident Tulsa/Oklahoma celebrity/hot Thunder player expert columnist. I’ve sketched out lately to spend more time going to yoga class, instagramming pictures of my dinners, doting on my poodles, and other stereotypical millennial behaviors, but that is neither here nor there, right? We’ve got a nice little community thing going here at TLO, and today I’ve got a very special gift for the family.
This is embarrassing, but I was a bit of an aspiring child star as a kid. I begged my mom for expensive head shots at one of Tulsa’s obviously legit modeling agencies, I practiced singing Christina Aguilera songs with a hairbrush microphone in front of our reflective sliding glass patio doors, and I attended every single opera, musical, singing, and dance summer camp offered in the greater Tulsa area. Clearly these dreams of stardom crashed and burned around the time of my first high school musical, but it was a heck of a fun way to spend summers and after school in an air-conditioned, low injury risk setting.
Occasionally the universe would send me a glimmer of hope, and one of those times was in 2003 when they filmed the national Kidz Bop (Edition 4) commercial in good ol’ Tulsey Town and chose me to take part in it. In case you didn’t watch Nickelodeon after the year 1999, Kidz Bop was a compilation CD featuring children’s versions of Top 40 songs, marketed exclusively on TV. Picture the Now! CDs, but on the set of Sesame Street. Behold…
Earlier this week, Patrick and I had the following text conversation:
Patrick: Do you watch The Bachelorette
Me: No, but I used to know that Chad dude
Patrick: Is the guy everyone is talking about? Want to write about him?
And here we are.
In case you’re like me and Patrick and don’t watch The Bachelorette, Chad is a real estate agent from Tulsa who made this year’s show. He quickly became the fan favorite villain. Sadly, he was voted off in this week’s episode, which I guess is why Patrick wanted me to write about him.
Here are five things you need to know about The Chad:
1. He’s a bona fide douche.
Beware the jezebel prowling the streets of Lawton, OK. A teen had the audacity to wear leggings to school, and now she’s speaking out against the austere and virtuous administrators who so righteously sent her home to change.
Without a doubt, Blackout Wednesday is every suburban 20something’s favorite holiday of the year. You know that special night before Thanksgiving, where everyone from your hometown gathers at the bar that looked really cool when you were a teen (but actually sucks), throws down some cold ones, and a de facto reunion commences.
This goes without saying, but it’s going be awkward. Someone’s going to accidentally insult your line of work. You’re going to reminisce about some awesome party that person you’re talking to wasn’t invited to. Someone’s going to dramatically condescend the people who “got sucked into staying here” and I’m going to defensively assert “Tulsa is awesome you pretentious POS!!” for the fourth year in a row. Don’t worry, it’s all a part of the weekend’s charm.
The other great thing about this weekend is running into stock characters from your high school. Grown up life really isn’t all that different, except instead of jocks, band dorks, and hippies, you’ve got a whole new set of archetypes to contend with. Let me break them down for you.
1. The Newly Minted Rich Person. Whether they invented an iPhone app, opened a string of yoga studios in the suburbs, or inherited a flourishing revenue source from their spouse, you’re certain to run into an old friend who suddenly has the means to roll up in a RangeRo and buy every peasant in the bar a toast of Dom Perignon. When you comment on their Christian Louboutin shoes or Rolex, they beam with pride and utter “this old thing?” or something equally awkward. They’ll request your group’s Uber ride home despite surge pricing, rather than wait five extra minutes for a Lyft instead. They’ll wake up the next morning, see their Uber receipt, and won’t panic.
After intense media speculation, leaked cuddly Halloween photos, and me personally dissecting their tweets from the past six months, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani’s reps have confirmed that the two of them are dating. Citizens, lets give a warm Okie welcome to our newest first couple, Glake!
So, I only occasionally dabble in conspiracy theories, but it’s hardly a stretch to connect this new relationship to both Blake and Gwen’s abrupt divorces within the past six months. The timing involved is about as obvious as finding Waldo in a nudist commune. They should have hired Pope and Associates to handle this one. This could be a beautiful love story about a goofy cowboy and the Homecoming Queen, wrapped up in the midst of a whirlwind fairytale romance! Instead, I think most of us have awkward imagery of Miranda Lambert at home with a bottle of whiskey, and Gavin Rossdale trolling Venice Beach mumbling “There’s no sex in your violence.” Unsexy.
Still, this is kinda cool. We now have another famous Okie by proxy to add to our collection, and Gwen very well might be the first who doesn’t consider macaroni salad a vegetable. Will they sit on courtside for Thunder Games? Will Gwen and Blake headline the next big tornado benefit concert? Will Gwen attend some important Oklahoma event and swap hair coloring secrets with Christina Fallin? Do we still get to claim Miranda as an honorary Oklahoman? Will Gwen open up a store for her fashion line across the street from Miranda’s Pink Pistol in Tishomingo? So many questions.
Red State Grammys Country Music Awards were last night, and Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley didn’t hesitate to poke some fun at their fellow country comrades. This is only the second most awkward thing Carrie has done, after The Sound Of Music! Live. Check it out below:
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