Presumably, you can think of a few good reasons to stay in Oklahoma since you’re most likely living here. (I assume, since this is a pretty Oklahoma-centric site.) Being near family and a low-cost of living are both very nice things. But what about all the reasons you have to leave?
If you grew up here, then you probably spent the majority of your high school years talking about how you would leave Oklahoma and never return. Then you probably went to OU, OSU, or UCO, and are still stuck here. Well, in case you needed the extra push, I’m counting down the top 20 reasons to leave Oklahoma this week. Here are reasons 20-11.
20. You hate the weather 98% of the time.
There are like three days in the fall, and about two days in the spring when the weather in Oklahoma is nice. The rest of the year? It really sucks. If the wrath of God isn’t coming at you in the form of a tornado, then it’s so hot that you’re sweating your ass off, or so cold and snowy that the whole state has closed down. If the temperature is nice, it’s generally windy as hell. If you’re like me, you dream of living in a place that feels like fall all year round, or at least doesn’t get above 90 degrees. Just imagine what that would be like!
19. You’re sick of paying $4 to drive to Tulsa.
Let’s talk about the Turner Turnpike for a second. Is that not the biggest ripoff in the history of roads? You pay $4 for the pleasure of driving down a turnpike that is down to one lane the majority of the way there, and your rest stop options are severely lacking. And no matter what, whoever you’re driving with has to stop at the McDonald’s on the way even though you’re going to eat a real meal once you get to Tulsa.
18. You want to form your own Life Church.TV franchise
Let’s be honest. LifeChurch has totally saturated the Oklahoma market. There’s a branch in every town, it seems like. And everywhere you turn they’re building a new one, or the car in front of you has one of their bumper stickers. Knowing how popular the brand is in Oklahoma, wouldn’t it make sense to move to a different part of the country and start your own regional chain of franchises? They’re recipe for religion is one of the most tasty out there, and will be success anywhere. You’ll get rich fast!
Usually we have to wait until July for the stories of doom and gloom about what kind of bacterial organisms are rendering Oklahoma’s bodies of water unsafe for life forms. And even then, we generally find out that it’s a sort of weird algae that really only affects rednecks who can jump off their pontoon boats to piss in the lake, which is a problem since they drink like 83 Bud Lights in a day. But now, we may have a bigger aquatic problem.
According to this KFOR story, noodlers are wary:
We need to talk about Fuze Buffet. I’m sure you’ve seen the commercial by now and you’ve probably got that sassy saxophone version of “The Way You Make Me Feel” stuck in your head. What’s that? No? You don’t? Well, enjoy this. It’s the full commercial, plus the entire saxophone song. You’re welcome.
(If you’ve never been to Fuze, I think you need to know that they have a saxophone player chilling in the dining room to entertain you. No. I’m not kidding.)
“I know what you’re thinking.”
No, bartender lady, you don’t. Because I was really thinking that I want to wear a pair of yoga pants to this place, unhinge my jaw, and fill my belly like I’m about to go into hibernation. Seriously, even though it’s pretty much just one long tracking shot of a buffet layout, I’m from that sweet spot of America that knows the value of a buffet and I’m ready to do this.
And it’s worth noting that there is nothing in that commercial that would make me think it’s Las Vegas. Maybe Fuze is marketing directly to people who have never been to Vegas. That’s fine if they are. But I think they should know that the rest of us think it’s really just a dimly lit restaurant. That’s not to say that it’s bad. I mean, I have a Facebook invite awaiting an answer for a girl’s night at Fuze Buffet. You best believe I plan to attend.
Anyway, what I want to talk about is their approach to marketing. When I hear the word “buffet,” I tend to think of unwashed masses breathing on a communal trough full of beige-colored items that have been sitting at room temperature longer than they should have. So, how do they counter that? With a ridiculous amount of saxophone, yes. But also, with ad campaigns that might as well say “This is totally not Golden Corral, nope, not even close.”
Take this other commercial, for example:
The annual Oklahoma Craft Beer Festival is upon us!
That’s right. It’s time for Oklahoma’s premiere beer, cider and mead tasting event presented by Tapwerks. There will be three sessions for the festival – Friday ($40), Saturday afternoon ($50), and Saturday night ($40). With each ticket, you can try as many beers as you want for the duration of your session. I like to think of it as a buffet of beer, only unlike other buffets, you won’t have to deal with unsupervised kids sticking their hands into luke warm tubs of mac and cheese.
Because there are so many options of things to try, it’s important that you go in there with a game plan. Don’t get distracted by all the big name beers that you’ve tried a million times before. You don’t want to leave without trying some of the best local brewery offerings. That’s why I’ve made this handy-dandy list of 10 beers you should try at Oklahoma Craft Beer Festival.
10. Anthem Brewing’s Old Man Ogle
Remember Ogletoberfest? Of course you do! It will available in bars and liquor stores in August. Until then, you should probably try TLO and Anthem’s newest collabeeration – Old Man Ogle.
Debuting at the festival, we took some Ogletoberfest and aged it for months in whiskey oak barrels, giving our original Vienna-style twist on Oktoberfest a bolder, more complex flavor. Just like Ogletoberfest, it pairs well with bratwurst, schnitzel and Emily Sutton. A very limited supply should be available in bars and liquor stores soon.
9. 405 Brewing Co.’s Lime Tart
I’ve known the guys behind 405 ever since I used to bartend for them at the Norman McNellie’s on burger night. I used to tell them that my coworkers were huffing paint. (I had no proof of this, other than a general hunch.) I spent a large chunk of the last Norman Music Fest squirreled away in a loft above an art gallery drinking this Lime Tart, and I feel quite confident that you need to have it as well. Sip it and enjoy, and then imagine adding a shot of tequila to it to make a sort of beergarita. So good.
8. Coop Ale Works’s Blood Orange Horny Toad
I affectionately refer to On the Road as the book that launched a thousand man children. (And if not man children, then you have to agree that at least it launched a thousand fedoras.) So it’s kind of odd that I’m about to take a Kerouac-style vision quest so I can come back to you with a lot more things to write about. But that’s what this post is all about — my impending sabbatical.
Thanks! Your message has been sent!