Spring signals a lot of things in Oklahoma. The Bradford pears bloom, hailstorms roll in practically every time the wind blows, and grown ass adults are trying to get by with wearing flip-flops to the office. You assholes know who you are. There is literally nothing that makes your Reef flip-flops business casual and they look stupid with slacks. But I guess that’s beside the point. What I’m here to talk to you about today is another sign of spring in Oklahoma. That’s right, y’all. The Medieval Fair.
For Normanites, the Medieval Fair is a sign that not only is the school year almost over (get out of mah city, you lazy students!), but spring is definitely here. According to NewsOK.com:
NORMAN — Calling all lords and ladies, knights and jesters. It’s time to party like it’s 1066 during the 39th annual Medieval Fair at Reaves Park.
Held annually since 1977, this living history fair features arts, crafts, food, games, educational exhibits, demonstrations and ongoing entertainment on seven stages.
Allow me to interject here for a bit. The exhibits are “educational,” not educational. Sure, they give you an idea of some things that may have happened during the medieval period. But, for the most part, I’m pretty sure the medieval world wasn’t full of art school dropouts selling their wares or root beer that was “brewed in the belly of a dragon.” Even back then they knew that wasn’t sanitary.
Man, it seems like the past few months have been pretty bad for Oklahoma in the national news. If our legislators aren’t making us look like a bunch of bigoted assholes, then frat boys were making us look like racist assholes. It’s been a tough time for normal, decent human beings in our state who have had to constantly justify their Oklahoma love to out-of-town friends and relatives.
So, it’s kind of apropos that KFOR happened to report on the Southern Poverty Law Center’s study regarding the number of hate groups nationwide, and specifically, the number of hate groups in Oklahoma. And honestly, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised that we only had 11. According to KFOR.com:
OKLAHOMA CITY — A new study shows the number of hate groups across America is declining.
The Southern Poverty Law Center’s annual count found that hate groups declined by 17 percent between 2013 and 2014.
According to SPLC, the number of hate groups fell from 939 to 784, bringing that number to its lowest level since 2005.
SPLC’s study found that 11 of those hate groups are in Oklahoma.
So, who are these groups? You can check out the list that the SPLC identified here. But it looks a little off to me. I mean, there are quite a few groups that I interact with fairly regularly that spew hate like it’s going out of style. But I can’t blame SPLC. They don’t live here. They don’t know. So, to help them out for next time, I’ve made a list of hate groups to watch out for.
1. The Turner Turnpike
The Turner Turnpike is an anti-Oklahoma organization that exists to make it tough for Oklahomans to drive between the OKC and Tulsa metros. The tolls, traffic, construction, and terrible restrooms are all designed to ruin lives.
2. Former Tate Publishing Employees
These people had the nerve to talk with their co-workers about rumors that the company was going to outsource all jobs to the Philippines, which was technically true. Then, after the employees were discovered, they prayed with their boss and betrayed his trust by recording him as he fired everyone in a company meeting. These people must be watched!
Unsurprisingly (or surprisingly, depending on how you think of me), I know very little about prison. Sure, I’ve dated guys who bragged about their stints in the drunk tank or county jail, but I’ve never been to “the big show,” as they say. (Do they say? Again, I don’t know a lot about prison.) I guess you could say the most I know about incarceration involves binge watching Orange is the New Black, or not passing go and not collecting $200.
I do know that in order to sneak stuff in to prison, it can’t be found unless the cops check what was baked into a cake, or use a full body cavity search. I mean, I thought everyone knew this, but apparently people are sneaking stuff into jail by other means, and they’re getting caught. According to KFOR.com:
Is it overly apparent that I have no idea how to write an intro for this column? I mean, I try to say something relevant every week, but sometimes, you just can’t be relevant. I scrolled through the archives to see some past intros I had written, and also the intros my predecessor, Tony, had written. But it wasn’t much help because Tony had like 4 intros where he basically stated that he didn’t know how to introduce this column. Which, like, I’m not throwing him under the bus or anything, but you can see that this isn’t the easiest thing to write a couple of paragraphs for. I mean, what do you, the reader, even look for in an intro? Or do you just scroll through to see if your tweet made the cut? (Spoilers: It probably didn’t.)
Anyway, I guess I should get to the actual tweets now. This is my favorite part of the intro, because I just tell you the tweets are after the jump, and the intro is over. So, well, ummm. The tweets are after the jump!
I believe it was former Oklahoma Governor Alfalfa Bill Murray who tried to declare war on Texas. I also believe he liked to hold meetings while wearing nothing but his underwear in the middle of the hot Oklahoma summer. Both may sound a little ridiculous, but really, who can blame him? Texas sucks and Oklahoma summers are the worst if you aren’t spending your days in a pool.
Anyway, I bring this all up because it may be a good idea to declare war on Texas again. According to KOCO.com:
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