In case you haven’t been reading all my posts this month and didn’t pick up on all the hints that I’ve been dropping, today is my birthday. It’s a big birthday too! I’m officially 30 years old, which I’ve been told means that I’ll soon achieve some sort of balance or a level of sanity. I cannot wait. Also, it means that people will be giving me cake, which is basically the only reason I got out of bed today.
Now, I’m not writing about my birthday. I’m writing about a story from KFOR. But I am doing that patented Marisa thing where I take a story, and write about it by starting way out in left field, then referencing the actual story, then making it all about me. It’s kind of how I operate. Seriously. Go through the archives. You’ll see. I’m not saying I have a formula. It’s really more a stylistic intention. Or an error in judgement. Either/or.
Anyway, some old lady in Chickasha bought a children’s Bible at a yard sale and gave it to her neighbors. According to KFOR.com:
Do you have strong opinions about bounce houses? I don’t know many people who do. I mean, if you were to ask me when I was a kid, I probably would’ve had a lot of opinions. Like big kids shouldn’t be in there unless they’re going to double bounce the little kids. Oh, and you should totally be allowed to bring food in there, because sometimes you get hungry while you’re jumping and you need some Skittles to take the edge off.
I bring all this up because KOCO brings this up. This week, they brought us another thing that people with kids can freak out about, namely, that bounce houses can be dangerous if the weather makes them dangerous. According to KOCO.com:
Before I begin, I’d like to state that I am writing about Edmond. So, for those of you who enjoy when I, Marisa, a former resident of that fair city, write about Edmond, just sit back and relax. For those of you who do not like when someone has a negative opinion about Edmond (what I write here won’t bring down your property taxes so chill, bruh), please hear me out on this. I speak 100% from experience.
Edmond is a fine city. It meets all the requirements a community must meet in order to be a city. I will not take that away from it. However, Edmond teens are the worst. I know, I used to be one. Edmond is 80% sprawl, so if you’re still not old enough to drive, you’re stuck walking around your neighborhood or to the nearest 7-Eleven, if you happen to be blessed enough to be near one. Unfortunately, some of the newer neighborhoods out west are not close to anything. And poor Valencia is really only close to that weird Okie Express place that is basically a gas-selling shed that advertises hot food and bait on May. And that’s probably why the teens in Valencia are stealing crap out of cars. According to KFOR.com:
Good morning and happy Monday, everyone. Guess what happens this week? That’s right. My birthday. Guess who will be eating cake all week to prepare for it? That’s right. It’s me. So, if you find yourself having a particularly terrible Monday, go ahead and get some cake on your lunch break. It’ll make you feel a little better, and you can pretend like you’re celebrating with me. It’ll be great. Just remember that my favorite cakes are red velvet and white cake with vanilla frosting. If you must eat a chocolate cake for my birthday, then it absolutely must be a dirt cake with crumbled Oreos and gummy worms on top. This is not negotiable.
Anyway, as always, I’ve prepared the best tweets from the week before and gathered them up all in one place. Check them out after the jump!
Few things motivate me like food. I’ve always believed that if bosses want to have meetings, they should always provide food. And good food, okay? None of those nonsensical crispy garbage cookies you buy in bulk at Sam’s. I’m talking real, warm food items. And I don’t mean real food in the sense of greens and natural nonsense. I mean real as in something that I really want–like cheese fries or pizza or pretty much anything with melty cheese. But do bosses heed this advice? Rarely.
Anyway, I could probably commit a crime if the food motivating me to do so was good enough. And of course, there would be varying levels of crimes for food items–a simple act of burglary for a bacon cheeseburger, money laundering for a high-speed police chase, and maybe nachos for a Fast and the Furious-style crime escapade. But not everyone has this food-crime hierarchy. Like this Ryan Pangle character. According to KFOR.com:
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