Good morning and happy Monday, everybody! Man, that was some football weekend. Not that I know firsthand. I attended a wedding shower during the OU game where a bunch of OSU fans literally cheered when Rodney Anderson was injured. But don’t worry, every last one of them assured me that Sooner fans are the real assholes when it comes to watching football games. Anyway, I was home in time to see the winning play, and then I made victory guacamole, which is a tradition I think everyone should adopt.
I’ve gathered all the tweets from this past week and put them here in one solid post. Check them out after the jump!
For a person who lives next door to a group of juggalos, I sure do feel safe and secure in my home. (Legitimate question: What’s the term for a group of juggalos? Is it a murder? A klatch? Or is it literally an insane clown posse, and that’s how the band got its name?) Sure, I keep my doors locked at all times, but I just don’t want my neighbors to get too friendly and think they can walk right in. And I know exactly what it would take for me to no longer feel safe in my home. It’s Slender Man. The minute he shows up in my backyard, or any other horror creature from the internet turns up, I’m moving.
An Oklahoma City resident found out what it took for her to no longer feel safe in her home. (It wasn’t Slender Man.) According to KFOR.com:
OKLAHOMA CITY – A 70-year-old Northwest Oklahoma City woman is sharing the terrifying moment she woke up to find an intruder in her bedroom.
The burglar rummaged through drawers and shelves while Katherine Thomas was fast asleep, but then something woke her.
“When I opened my eyes, there was a man in my bedroom,” Thomas said. “I thought oh, no, this is every woman’s fear.”
Other fears possessed by every woman: Dark parking lots, getting bunions from wearing bad shoes, skin cancer from those days of using a tanning bed, finding your partner’s email in the Ashley Madison hack, having kids, not having kids, and attending the high school reunion only to find that you’ve become the fat one.
The story continues:
By now, I’m sure you’ve read or heard about Richard Glossip, the man who is scheduled to be put to death on September 16. If by some weird chance you haven’t heard about him, here’s the CliffNotes version:
Glossip has been on death row since 1998. Two separate juries have found him guilty of hiring Justin Sneed, a man currently serving a life sentence, of murdering their then-boss, Barry Van Treese. Sneed is the one who beat Van Treese to death, and in exchange for a life without parole sentence, he was given his life sentence in exchange for testimony against Glossip. Since the murder of Barry Van Treese, Glossip has maintained his innocence.
If you’ve read anything about Glossip, you can feel like you don’t know the real story. Some news outlets maintain his innocence. Some news outlets point out glaring errors in the justice process. And some news outlets point out the media bias in their portrayal of Glossip as innocent.
Whatever you believe, one thing is certain. At the center of the controversy has been our fair Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin. She is one of the few people who had the power to slow down the process and make 99% sure we’re executing a guilty man, but for some reason she’s done nothing. With Glossip’s execution coming up, we decided to examine 7 reasons why:
1. Remind the rest of the country that we love executing people.
It’s been a while since every national left-leaning news outlet has written about the horribly cruel death of Clayton Lockett. Maybe Mary Fallin wants to give them something else to write about?
2. She wants to see if the new execution cocktail works.
You know, because she hasn’t really concerned with how barbaric the state’s past attempts at executing a prisoner have been.
3. She can’t cave to Hollywood outsiders like Susan Sarandon.
Admittedly, I don’t know much about country music that was created after 2001. That’s when I got my driver’s license and no longer had to ride in the car with mom who catered to my brother’s taste in music rather than mine, because my brother is the favorite. Regardless, all I know about country music these days is that Taylor Swift no longer qualifies for that category, and basically the whole scene is full of bros who like to sing about girls in tight jeans and getting drunk at the end of a dirt road in a pickup.
Oh, and I guess I know that Blake Shelton is on The Voice and he likes to say “bitch” at the end of his tweets. Apparently, this is why people think he’s qualified to read to preschoolers.
According to KFOR.com:
Good morning and happy Tuesday that feels like a Monday, everyone! With any luck, you enjoyed a well-deserved day off. Ironically, though, if you happen to be in a career for which the Labor Day holiday was initially created, you probably had to work. Is that irony, or the new American dream? Who knows? What I do know is that I hope you at least got to sit down and relax and enjoy a beer. Or, maybe hit the lake one last time, if you’re the lake type. If you’re like me, then your day was spent recovering from all the terrible junk you ate during the OU game. Because they don’t make Tums or Zantac strong enough to handle the chili cheese nachos, wings, and three-meat pizza multi-day heartburn I’ve got going on here.
Anyway, as always, I’ve gathered up the best tweets from the previous week. Check them out after the jump!
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