Good morning and happy Monday, fellow Oklahomans. I hope you’re all enjoying your Monday after Daylight Saving Time. If you’re like me, then you’re using DST as an excuse every single time your late or fall asleep in a situation where it’s not socially acceptable to do so for the next month. I mean, I still use this excuse in like December when it’s not valid, but people don’t seem to question it. Seriously, best excuse ever.
Anyway, as always, I’ve gathered all tweets you need to read, and put them here just for you. They’re after the jump!
For the most part, I try to break Oklahoma stereotypes. We’ve come a long way in my lifetime, and I feel that the progressives and the movers and shakers in our city need to be rewarded for the hard work they’ve done to bring Oklahoma out of the dark ages. I do my part by never taking out-of-town guests to Cattlemen’s or the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum. Though, regrettably, I do bring the proverbial average down by drinking A LOT of Coor’s Light. What can I say? It’s probably safer to drink than the arsenic and hexavalent chromium-containing water in Norman.
I bring all this up because something happened yesterday that ruined all the good work I’ve been doing. Sure, it may seem innocuous enough, but I assure you, some real damage has been done.
According to KFOR.com:
During my senior year of high school, I got in trouble during my report presentation on Chernobyl. Apparently, the slide with a comic bookish “Kaboom!” followed by the phrase “like a pipe bomb in a mailbox” was inappropriate and irreverent. I’m sure none of you have issues with attributing this sort of disrespectful behavior to me.
I only bring this up because there have been two pretty terrifying stories regarding explosives (not nuclear reactors melting down–don’t fret about that!) in the local news lately. The first one is kind of like a bingo card of things you don’t want to see in the same story.
According to News9.com:
Good morning and happy Monday, everyone! It’s the first Monday of March 2015, which means that both spring break and St. Patrick’s Day are fast approaching. I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing quite so nice as that time of year where drunk college kids are doing body shots on the beach, and a person you know for a fact has never set foot in Ireland tells you quite vehemently that it’s St. Paddy’s Day, and will only take a drink when you say “slainte” and not cheers. Ah, spring. You crazy time of year.
Anyway, a lot happened on Twitter last week, like snow, some llamas, and a dress. It was kind of insane. As always, I have all the tweets your little heart could ever desire right here, after the jump!
As you probably know, Sally Kern, that writhing hive of spiders in a skinsuit, introduced legislation this session that would protect the rights of controlling parents to abuse their children by sending them to gay conversion therapy. It’s part of her plan to ensure that more Oklahoma teens have access to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
According to NewsOK.com:
A bill that seeks to protect the practice of gay conversion counseling passed out of an Oklahoma House committee Tuesday.
House Bill 1598, which now goes to the full House, says the state will not prohibit or restrict counseling intended to rid people of attraction to those of their own gender. It also seeks to protect parents who want such counseling for their children.
Nothing prevents this type of counseling now, but Rep. Sally Kern, R-Oklahoma City, said her bill is needed because the practice is under attack legislatively in other states.
“All across the nation, bills are being introduced to ban parents from having the right to take their children for counseling if they are struggling with same-sex attractions,” Kern said. “As you know, we do lots of bills that are pre-emptive, so this is pre-emptive to make sure that parental rights are upheld.”
See? Hive of spiders in a skin suit.
We here at The Lost Ogle are not fans of this legislation for many reasons. Gay conversion therapy is harmful both physically and psychologically. It attempts to change something that is not changeable. And we’re also just not down with telling people to change who they are so it fits the ideals found in a 2,000 year old book.
However, maybe Kern is onto something. There are lots of things worth changing when it comes to the human race, so we thought maybe we would introduce new conversion therapies to the state, ones that would do more good than harm. For example…
Spray Tan Conversion Therapy
We would recommend this therapy to Aaron Tuttle. I know he’s big into the bodybuilding game, but there is something unholy and unnatural about a streaky orange man.
Lemon Conversion Therapy
For this one, we’re going to get Sir John Michael to lead the therapy sessions. Because when life gives you lemons, he knows just how to turn it around.
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