Times are tough for students. I should know. I’ve been going to school for the past 22 years, and just finished my last assignment ever last night. (That is, last assignment until I decide I need to go get a Ph.D.) When you’re a student, it seems like if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Either you have a terrible part-time job or you have a professor that won’t cut you a break. But most likely you’re just straight up broke, because paying rent, buying dollar beers, and stocking up on scantrons is crazy expensive.
And while I have worked a seriously strange combination of odd jobs throughout my tenure as Norman’s favorite kid with a Peter Pan complex, there are others who get more creative. No, I’m not talking about donating plasma, though that’s not a bad gig. (Seriously, it was the first time that I was monetarily rewarded for weighing a lot because they pay you based on your size.) I’m talking about robbing banks.
NORMAN, Okla. – The FBI is searching for a bank robber after the suspect hit the OU Federal Credit Union on W. Lindsey around Tuesday morning.
The man handed the teller a note demanding money.
He then put the cash in a white plastic grocery bag and fled on foot.
The surveillance pictures aren’t great but you can see the suspect wore a neon yellow hoodie.
You can call the FBI hotline at (405) 290-7770 if you think you might know the man’s identity.
Someone in a neon hoodie did something in Norman. If you’re laughing at that, it’s because all the kids these days are wearing those crazy Day-Glo colors and you’d be hard pressed to single them out. Though, kudos to this dude for thinking of that and not going with the traditional solid black ensemble of the bank robbers of yore.
Now, I guess a bank is a good thing to rob to get money. But this got me to thinking. There are probably a lot of really good things to steal in Norman. Even if they aren’t money, they are sure to draw a lot of cash in a back alley transaction. So, here’s a list of all the things that I recommend someone steal in Norman other than money from a bank.
Aw yeah, readers. It’s the weekend. If you work where I do, you’re probably going to Night Trips for lunch. Don’t tell my boss, though when I come back to the office covered in glitter and smelling like cotton candy perfume and daddy issues, I’m sure they’ll know. What can I say? Night Trips has fried mushrooms and mama likes fried mushrooms. Just kidding, readers. I’m equally close to the outlet mall, and I’d much rather come back to work with a maxed out credit card.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story before, but when I worked at a professional wrestling-themed barbecue restaurant in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart off I-35 (from which I got fired for signing a write-up form with “your mom” instead of my name), ZZ Top came in, and I got a picture with Billy Gibbons. His old man arthritic hands totally look like they are pinching my boob, but in reality, he’s just pointing at me. But I bet you wish you had a picture of your boob getting pinched by a rock and roll legend.
There is only one way to get that wish granted. Get yourself to Lucky Star Casino in Concho. There will be plenty of boob-pinching, as well as rock and roll and fun galore! Come on down and get yourself a drink. Then, gamble a bit, and enjoy the show. Basically, these are all the ingredients to make the best Friday night you’ve had in a long time. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get your boob pinched and your parents will hang the photo in the living room above the picture of you getting your master’s degree, because priorities, duh.
There are some things that, in my mind, are inextricably linked with summer time. Sunburn, wildfires tearing through the prairie, algal blooms taking over the lakes, long lines at snow cone stands, and idiot jerks leaving their dogs in their cars with the windows up when it’s over 100 degrees outsides are what I think of when I think of summer. Sure, there was once a time when summer was magical and I spent my time in those awesome above ground pools with the fake wood paneling while eating popsicles. Or, there was the holy land of your OKC metro childhood…Yeah. I’m talking about White Water Bay.
I haven’t been to White Water since I was in the seventh grade, and I went for Katie Thomas’s birthday party. We had a grand time floating along the lazy river and getting super wedgies on the Alcapulco Cliff Dive. But after being at White Water for more than an hour, you realize that the ratio of time spent in the water is inversely proportional to time spent waiting in line on hot asphalt while teenage lifeguards look put upon while helping children adjust their flotation devices.
But that might all be about to change. According to KFOR.com, White Water is going to get some new attractions.
Whoa, readers. Guess what time it is. That’s right. It’s the weekend. And you know what that means. It’s time to get wasted today starting at 5 and not sober up until Monday morning around 10 AM. At least, that’s how I roll now that I have a legitimate, full-time sort of gig. I used to just drink all the time when I didn’t have to work five days a week. But my career has really put me on the straight and narrow, so I only binge on weekends now. I’m sure some would say I’m a functioning alcoholic. But I’d probably just flip those people off.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Can I get an amen from all my brothers and sisters out there who like to shriek “Jessie’s Girl” at the top of their lungs when they’re drunk and getting a ride home in the back seat of their friend’s Mitsubishi Eclipse? I refuse to believe I’m the only one who does this. I find that two-door cars have the perfect acoustics for singing about how much you wish that you had Jessie’s girl. Bonus points if you can get the sober kids to sing along.
Readers, do you also wish that you had Jessie’s girl? Do you like casinos? Do you like having fun? Do you like people watching? Then have I got a deal for you! If you get yourself to the Lucky Star Casino tonight, you are guaranteed to have a bona fide good time. And can I just say that Rick Springfield is pretty hot? I mean, not in a poster on your wall sort of way. But if he had a VH1 reality show like Bret Michaels did, I would probably go on it to win a shot at dating him.
Readers, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that middle school totally sucked. Your body is changing in all these new and wonderful ways, the kid with the locker next to yours maybe kind of likes you, but also throws rocks at you when you get off the school bus. All you want is privacy and alone time, but your parents totally feel the need to ask you embarrassing personal questions all the time. And for the life of you, you can’t figure out how to do your hair so that you look at least semi-decent. You could not pay me to be 13 again.
As if all that weren’t enough, a now former Oklahoma City principal had students arrested for coming to school because they were suspended for being late to school. By now, I’m sure you’ve heard about all the goings ons at Jefferson Middle School.
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