Three day weekend alert, readers! That totally means that you get one whole extra day of drinking and staying up late and just generally not caring at all about your responsibilities. Also, it’s a good time to put away all of your white clothes since you can’t wear them after Monday. But, if you’re like me, you’re white clothes are slightly tie dyed with various food stains so they don’t technically count as white anymore. It’s kind of gross, but more restaurants should provide bibs for their customers.

Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.

August 31: Def Leppard, Poison, and Lita Ford at the Zoo Amphitheatre

Sometimes I wish I was born a little earlier so I could have been the sort of girl that hung around hair bands back in the day. Today, there just aren’t any bands that are sleazy enough to satisfy my wanton needs. I’ve often thought about going on any one of the many VH1 reality shows where Bret Michaels seeks out love, but I know in the end that I could never win out against a girl named Brandi who has probably done porn, and if not porn, has probably won a few amateur strip nights at her local club.

So I fear the closest I will ever get to making my dreams come true of being a harlot with big hair is to go to the Zoo Amphitheatre this evening. Sure, it will be hot and sweaty and gross, and the beer will be marked up approximately 800%, but just think of the opportunities I might have. We all know that the only pure love in this life is the love that exists between a 20-something woman and her older man who may or may not be raking in tons of cash from royalties checks. Ladies, if you want to find love, may I suggest taking it to the Zoo Amp tonight?

Whoa Nelly, readers. I went to the Deli last night to see Dr. Pants. The show was great and I got a donut because Dr. Pants really knows their audience. But I also drank three red cups throughout the night. Which is 96 ounces of beer. Suffice it to say that I’m not feeling my best today, so if you don’t mind, I’ll be on my couch in a hoodie for the rest of the day, moaning about how I need someone to bring me a bacon sandwich.

Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.

August 24: Little Sassy Cassee at Night Trips

Real talk, readers. My strip club experiences are pretty limited. Since I live in Norman, I have made it to Suger’s a time or two, and I’ve even been motorboated by a stripper. It was a strange experience and I’d prefer not to go into detail, but suffice it to say that the dollar of a woman goes way farther at a strip club than the dollar of man. But I’ve also never been at a strip club when a relatively famous stripper is touring. I don’t know how far my money would get me with Little Sassy Cassee.

Little Sassy Cassee is 2’10”. She will be performing two shows at Night Trips today. So if on your lunch break you’re feeling like you’d like to get the party started a little early, you can get in for $10. But if you’d prefer to wait until this evening, cover goes up to $15. Either way, that’s a pretty small price to pay to see the smallest stripper in the world. And while the advertisement for this show says that good things come in small packages, I can’t really believe that all that much good comes out of Night Trips. But I guess we’ll see.

Do you feel that chill in the air, readers? It’s near frigid outside. I only know the change in the weather because instead of her business casual halter tops, my neighbor is now sporting some Bermuda shorts with a polo. I’m not sure where she works and what company puts halter top in the business casual category but it’s probably some really nice place because she drives a BMW. Either that or she’s one of those high-level prostitutes. Most likely.

Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.

August 17-18: Yukon BMX-Let’s Move! Free Race Day

As I’ve mentioned before, I met Mat Hoffman in elementary school. It was pretty cool because he told us to follow our dreams and do whatever we wanted as a career. Now, fast forward fifteen years later and here I am writing for The Lost Ogle. Dreams really do come true. I’m just waiting for the ESPN documentary about my life to come out and for the stacks of cash to come rolling in. I’m not base jumping though, because I get an adrenaline rush on Tuesdays when new books are released. I don’t need any more excitement in my life.

Now, if you’re a young kid who doesn’t get hurt just shooting a basketball at a hoop in the driveway like I do, you should take your BMX bike to Yukon and race for free. The event is designed for new riders to get them and their families active. But I’m willing to bet just hanging out and flirting with BMX guys is roughly the same as physical activity. If not, all the exercise I did in high school was a lie.