Ideally, our monetary system would be completely digital. Instead of dollars, we could just call the simplest monetary unit a “space credit.” I say space credit because I feel this is the inevitable currency of the future. Our great-grandchildren will spend their space credits on chewing gum and nutrient-rich vitamin pills that they have to take because they live on a space station while scientists work to terraform Mars. Perhaps they will play a game similar to what Ender played at Battle School. But probably not. This isn’t fiction we’re talking about.
Anyway, not everyone is on board with my space credit idea. In fact, some people are still using a very old-fashioned method to pay for goods and services. And no, I’m not talking about paper mill coins. According to KOCO.com:
Good morning and Happy Monday, you precious little angel faces. At the time of writing, the weather feels fallish, which is to say that I can finally use this blanket on my couch without sweating. This is all I’ve ever wanted in life. Now, when we reach the point in the year when I never have to remove my hoodie, I shall truly be happy. If I can just focus on hoodie weather, I don’t have to think about how much Christmas music I’m already hearing or how some places have already decorated for Christmas, ahem.
We apologize for forcing the holiday spirit on you, but when the guy says now or never … pic.twitter.com/hEvAeUH0A3
— Western Avenue (@WesternAvenue) November 7, 2015
Your apologies fall on the deaf ears of this Ebenezer. If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.
Anyway, let’s get on with the tweets, you guys. As always, you can check them out after the jump.
I consider myself to be a connoisseur of gas stations and convenience stores. Like rare and exotic wines, various convenience store chains all bring their own something special to the table. For example, Quik Trip is like a 5-star dining experience. Those taquitos, those frozen beverages, those donut holes! Why, just thinking about it makes me want to take a trip to Tulsa. But I also enjoy the things that my local convenience stores have to offer. OnCue is quite a gem, especially if it’s a location with a frozen yogurt bar.
Though, admittedly, my favorite local convenience store would the 7-Eleven. I’ve written extensively about various metro locations here before, and Patrick has written about the performance art that is the location at 23rd and Penn. But I think we may have found the new craziest 7-Eleven. According to KFOR.com:
I have a list of animals I would like to own as pets but probably never will. Sure, I have a great dog who is sleeping right next to me as I type this, but wouldn’t it be super cool if I had a pet that was a little out of the ordinary? And no, I don’t want a little monkey. Those seem like they would be the worst pets of all. Now, pig, however, that sounds fantastic. Right now the biggest barrier to that dream is that I eat a lot of bacon, and well, I’d feel guilty consuming that in front of a real pig.
Anyway, I bring this all up because apparently not everyone thinks pigs are super cute and cuddly creatures that want to be your friends. I guess not everyone has seen Babe. Like this farmer down in Holdenville who thinks pigs are terrorist. According to KFOR.com:
If I’m being honest, I don’t go to the dentist as often as I should. I wish I could say that I got all excited for someone to prod my gums for half an hour, then tell me that my coffee stains will never be reversed if I don’t knock it down to three cups a day. But let’s be real. No one likes going to the dentist. Sure, there was a time when I enjoyed, but that dentist has long since retired and I’ve yet to find a tooth scraper that is located near me and doesn’t piss me off. And can I just say I want to live in a world where dental hygienists don’t make broad and sweeping judgments of my character based on how often I tell them I floss? IT’S NOT A MORAL ISSUE, FLOSSING JUST KIND OF SUCKS.
Anyway, this is all irrelevant because I’ve basically decided I never need to go to the dentist again. Why? Well, because they’re basically a bunch of grifters. How do I know this? KFOR.com has the story:
MIDWEST CITY, Okla. – After Halloween, many children are overwhelmed by the amount of candy they received from trick-or-treating.
Depending on how many sweet treats the kiddos earned, you may have enough candy to last you for months.
One Midwest City dental office is hoping to save your teeth and your waistline this holiday season.
Kool Smiles is encouraging children to bring their Halloween candy to the office to exchange for a toy.
Real clever, tooth sadist. Real, real clever. Giving kids a toy and taking away what causes their teeth to rot. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were a big damn hero.
The candy that is collected will then be sent in care packages to U.S. troops serving overseas with the help of Operation Gratitude.
Every child that donates candy at Kool Smiles will receive one toy for every 25 pieces of unopened candy in its original packaging. There is a limit of three toys per child and toys will be distributed on a first come, first served basis.
In addition to the candy, Kool Smiles is also donating the funds to cover the assembly and shipment of 200 care packages, which will include dental kits.
Pretty sneaky, man. So, you’re going to ship that candy overseas to our troops, and just wait for them to come home with all manner of cavities, aren’t you? Sure, you’re giving them dental kits too, but let’s be real. Like I mentioned above, flossing sucks. And I think we all know that every single last piece of that candy will get eaten. All those dental kits…well, I think we know that they won’t all get used.
Other than drug dealing, I can’t think of another profession where it’s encouraged to give your market something that will cause their demise in order to ensure they remain loyal to you as a customer.
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