As you probably know, Sally Kern, that writhing hive of spiders in a skinsuit, introduced legislation this session that would protect the rights of controlling parents to abuse their children by sending them to gay conversion therapy. It’s part of her plan to ensure that more Oklahoma teens have access to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
According to NewsOK.com:
A bill that seeks to protect the practice of gay conversion counseling passed out of an Oklahoma House committee Tuesday.
House Bill 1598, which now goes to the full House, says the state will not prohibit or restrict counseling intended to rid people of attraction to those of their own gender. It also seeks to protect parents who want such counseling for their children.
Nothing prevents this type of counseling now, but Rep. Sally Kern, R-Oklahoma City, said her bill is needed because the practice is under attack legislatively in other states.
“All across the nation, bills are being introduced to ban parents from having the right to take their children for counseling if they are struggling with same-sex attractions,” Kern said. “As you know, we do lots of bills that are pre-emptive, so this is pre-emptive to make sure that parental rights are upheld.”
See? Hive of spiders in a skin suit.
We here at The Lost Ogle are not fans of this legislation for many reasons. Gay conversion therapy is harmful both physically and psychologically. It attempts to change something that is not changeable. And we’re also just not down with telling people to change who they are so it fits the ideals found in a 2,000 year old book.
However, maybe Kern is onto something. There are lots of things worth changing when it comes to the human race, so we thought maybe we would introduce new conversion therapies to the state, ones that would do more good than harm. For example…
Spray Tan Conversion Therapy
We would recommend this therapy to Aaron Tuttle. I know he’s big into the bodybuilding game, but there is something unholy and unnatural about a streaky orange man.
Lemon Conversion Therapy
For this one, we’re going to get Sir John Michael to lead the therapy sessions. Because when life gives you lemons, he knows just how to turn it around.
You guys, it looks like Tuttle just got a lot more sexy.
I think we all know those dudes who refuse to get married for some philosophical reasons usually pertaining to their ex-wives. But some dudes just jump in. And some dudes just jump right in while they’re still in another marriage that they jumped right into. What’s cooler than having two wives? According to News9.com:
Ah, Edmond. I thought I wouldn’t write about you for a while but you keep bringing me back in.
Edmond can be a very nice looking place at times, even though it’s totally lacking in sidewalks and the Christmas decorations they’ve been digging out each year since my childhood are better suited to Duran Duran record covers. The city most definitely takes pride in its appearance, what with all the very specific ordinances that regulate sign height and such. And let’s not forget those lovely statues all through downtown–the kids playing, the old man reading outside the library, the weird collie dog-esque sort of creature on Boulevard. Edmond sure is nice.
But every once in a while, a townsperson wants to show a little personality on their property. And not everyone is totally cool with that. According to KOCO.com:
Happy Monday and welcome to another installment of everyone’s favorite column, Monday Morning Tweets. I spent all last week stalking you guys and collected the best tweets. And by best I really mean the tweets that you probably will be embarrassed by. I’m kind of sad that none of you have ever had a Twitter meltdown or accidentally sent a sext via Twitter instead of text. I live for that day. Just know that I will screen shot all of that. I can’t wait.
Anyway, since that hasn’t happened yet, I’ve got some pretty run-of-the-mill tweets for you. As always, they’re after the jump!
In case you missed it, yours and my Oklahoma City Thunder traded Reggie Jackson and Kendrick Perkins yesterday. I don’t really know the finer points of sports things. And I imagine you’ve already heard about all the implications of the trade from more informed sources. However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no one cares about Vanity Perkins leaving Oklahoma City as much as I do.
Vanity is the first lady of the Thunder. But now, she must step down and follow her husband to a strange and new world that has weirder alcohol laws than we do. Let’s all pause for a moment and imagine the Divine Miz P outside a Mormon Temple.
If you followed her on Instagram, you know that she had the face of an 18-year-old with the fashion budget of Harold Hamm’s ex. She seemed to have a new outfit (and a bathroom selfie to document it) for every Thunder game.
It’s hard to say what I’ll miss most about her. The Thunder’s off the court image seems to be so strictly controlled, to the point where the players don’t seem like actual people. But Vanity didn’t let that get her down. She always had something to say, regardless of how the Thunder Ministry of Propaganda felt about it. There was the time she called out the city of Edmond, the time she interviewed Mary Fallin about fashion, the time she got into a fight with Jim Traber, and the time she got in a fight at a nail salon.
Yes, it’s safe to say we’re going to miss Vanity Perkins around these parts. Here are some pics. She’s our Hot Girl Friday…
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