If I’m being honest, I don’t go to the dentist as often as I should. I wish I could say that I got all excited for someone to prod my gums for half an hour, then tell me that my coffee stains will never be reversed if I don’t knock it down to three cups a day. But let’s be real. No one likes going to the dentist. Sure, there was a time when I enjoyed, but that dentist has long since retired and I’ve yet to find a tooth scraper that is located near me and doesn’t piss me off. And can I just say I want to live in a world where dental hygienists don’t make broad and sweeping judgments of my character based on how often I tell them I floss? IT’S NOT A MORAL ISSUE, FLOSSING JUST KIND OF SUCKS.
Anyway, this is all irrelevant because I’ve basically decided I never need to go to the dentist again. Why? Well, because they’re basically a bunch of grifters. How do I know this? KFOR.com has the story:
MIDWEST CITY, Okla. – After Halloween, many children are overwhelmed by the amount of candy they received from trick-or-treating.
Depending on how many sweet treats the kiddos earned, you may have enough candy to last you for months.
One Midwest City dental office is hoping to save your teeth and your waistline this holiday season.
Kool Smiles is encouraging children to bring their Halloween candy to the office to exchange for a toy.
Real clever, tooth sadist. Real, real clever. Giving kids a toy and taking away what causes their teeth to rot. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were a big damn hero.
The candy that is collected will then be sent in care packages to U.S. troops serving overseas with the help of Operation Gratitude.
Every child that donates candy at Kool Smiles will receive one toy for every 25 pieces of unopened candy in its original packaging. There is a limit of three toys per child and toys will be distributed on a first come, first served basis.
In addition to the candy, Kool Smiles is also donating the funds to cover the assembly and shipment of 200 care packages, which will include dental kits.
Pretty sneaky, man. So, you’re going to ship that candy overseas to our troops, and just wait for them to come home with all manner of cavities, aren’t you? Sure, you’re giving them dental kits too, but let’s be real. Like I mentioned above, flossing sucks. And I think we all know that every single last piece of that candy will get eaten. All those dental kits…well, I think we know that they won’t all get used.
Other than drug dealing, I can’t think of another profession where it’s encouraged to give your market something that will cause their demise in order to ensure they remain loyal to you as a customer.
Good morning and happy Monday, everyone. Welcome to the first Monday in November. I hope your Halloween was good, and you enjoyed your extra hour of sleep. You know who probably didn’t enjoy her extra hour of sleep? Representative Leslie Osborn. She spent her weekend answering for this now deleted tweet:
So, for you brown folks keeping score at home: It’s not safe to live in Osborn’s district (Mustang, Tuttle, and part of OKC) or Beckham County because of Sheriff Scott Jay. And to Representative Osborn, I would say that we expect more from you, but let’s be real. You’re just Oklahoma business as usual, pretty much undoing all the cool things others are trying to make happen.
With that having been said, let’s get down to business. I’ve collected the best tweets from the week before and gathered them all here for your enjoyment. As always, you can check them out after the jump!
The state’s ban on texting while driving goes into effect this weekend. I’m a big fan of the law. In fact, I’m a fan of any law that would require any person in control of an automobile to act in a manner that conveys that they are aware that the vehicle itself could potentially be a deadly weapon. (See, guys? I’m not just down with gun control. I’m a big proponent of car control too.) For this reason, I’ve listed 5 more driving laws that we should enact to keep the mean streets of Oklahoma safe.
1. Going under the speed limit in the left lane.
This is the biggest pet peeve I have on the road. It is the fast lane. You go fast in the fast lane. However, there are several individuals who like to go under the speed limit in the fast lane, ostensibly because they are unaware of what the word “fast” denotes. Until this is a law that is enforced on the reg, you can totally catch me passing on the right and giving dirty looks to the octogenarians that are farting along in the fast lane as if they have all the time in the world and no destination.
Some of Tracy Morgan’s greatest lines from 30 Rock involve birds. Like the time he tells a pigeon to stop eating french fries out of the garbage and to have some self-respect. Or, the time he takes an absurdly long pause during his contract negotiations and states he was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds. Both are golden moments on the small screen, and I’d love to live in a world where Tracy Morgan gave me his daily thoughts about birds, but we can’t have it all.
Anyway, I bring this up because there are currently some birds here in the OKC Metro–specifically in Yukon. I mean, there are a lot of birds. But the remarkable thing about this story is not the amount of birds so much as how few people remember the name of classic Hitchcock films, or how fascinated KFOR is with bird poop. According to KFOR.com:
I’ve never been to jail. Sure, I’ve contemplated stealing one of those “hitchhikers may be escaped convicts” signs you see dotted along highways near prisons, but I’ve never actually been to the big show. And, the older I get, the more I realize that this is somewhat of a feat for my high school graduating class. Sure, there are a lot of people who haven’t been to jail. But there are also quite a few members of the ENHS class of 2004 who have done some time.
Anyway, suffice it to say that the majority of my knowledge of being locked up comes from watching cartoons or The Shawshank Redemption. Basically, I assume jail is all about wearing striped jumpsuits and escaping through the sewer system. But apparently, it’s a lot about drones too.
According to KOCO.com:
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