Unsurprisingly (or surprisingly, depending on how you think of me), I know very little about prison. Sure, I’ve dated guys who bragged about their stints in the drunk tank or county jail, but I’ve never been to “the big show,” as they say. (Do they say? Again, I don’t know a lot about prison.) I guess you could say the most I know about incarceration involves binge watching Orange is the New Black, or not passing go and not collecting $200.
I do know that in order to sneak stuff in to prison, it can’t be found unless the cops check what was baked into a cake, or use a full body cavity search. I mean, I thought everyone knew this, but apparently people are sneaking stuff into jail by other means, and they’re getting caught. According to KFOR.com:
Is it overly apparent that I have no idea how to write an intro for this column? I mean, I try to say something relevant every week, but sometimes, you just can’t be relevant. I scrolled through the archives to see some past intros I had written, and also the intros my predecessor, Tony, had written. But it wasn’t much help because Tony had like 4 intros where he basically stated that he didn’t know how to introduce this column. Which, like, I’m not throwing him under the bus or anything, but you can see that this isn’t the easiest thing to write a couple of paragraphs for. I mean, what do you, the reader, even look for in an intro? Or do you just scroll through to see if your tweet made the cut? (Spoilers: It probably didn’t.)
Anyway, I guess I should get to the actual tweets now. This is my favorite part of the intro, because I just tell you the tweets are after the jump, and the intro is over. So, well, ummm. The tweets are after the jump!
I believe it was former Oklahoma Governor Alfalfa Bill Murray who tried to declare war on Texas. I also believe he liked to hold meetings while wearing nothing but his underwear in the middle of the hot Oklahoma summer. Both may sound a little ridiculous, but really, who can blame him? Texas sucks and Oklahoma summers are the worst if you aren’t spending your days in a pool.
Anyway, I bring this all up because it may be a good idea to declare war on Texas again. According to KOCO.com:
As that throbbing headache that you can’t quell with Tylenol is undoubtedly reminding you, yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day. So I hope you were able to get some grease on top of that this morning, otherwise work is going to be a doozy.
But drunken shenanigans aren’t the only shenanigans that happen on St. Patrick’s Day. If you’ll remember, this time last year, someone dyed the water at the Myriad Gardens green, and subsequently wound up paying $9,700 for the clean up. And oddly enough, new pranksters weren’t deterred because it seems to have happened again. According to KFOR.com:
OKLAHOMA CITY – The Myriad Gardens were once again the target of a St. Patrick’s Day prank.
Early Tuesday morning, maintenance crews noticed their pond had been dyed neon green.
Officials say this change was not done by officials with the gardens.
Since the same thing happened last year, Myriad Gardens officials decided to be proactive and shut off the water so that it did not spread to other ponds.
When caught, the suspects responsible for the vandalism this year could face charges.
Well, fool me once, as the saying goes. I really hope the person responsible for this gets in trouble. Any person who does that much damage to what is basically a park deserves to be charged with something. It’s not that I’m against pranks. Because I am absolutely 100% for them. You can ask all my loved ones who have gone out to their cars before work only to find that I have programmed all their car radio presets to the same Tejano station. I just hate unoriginal acts that cause a lot of harm and very few laughs.
So, for those copycat criminals out there who decided to re-enact last years nonsensical act of vandalism, I’ve come up with a list of better pranks to unleash upon Oklahoma City.
1. Dress up the Native American on top of the Capitol
At OU, it’s not uncommon to see the Sewer statue in an OU t-shirt. Well, why not put a shirt on the Native American on top of the Capitol? Sure, it’s high up there, but no guts, no glory. And why would we put that bronze statue up there other than to dare the bravest amongst us to climb up there and put a Thunder jersey on him? Seriously, you probably have a Harden jersey just sitting around that needs to be put to good use anyhow.
It’s that time of year, you guys. The sun is out, people are wearing flip-flops, and you have to start mowing your lawn again. That’s right. It’s spring. But more importantly, it’s spring break–that magical time of year when school is out for a whole week, and you sit on your couch binge watching Netflix while the sun shines outside. Man, is there a better time of year?
Because I’ve been described as a sun worshipper (if you happen to run a Mithraic sun cult in the metro, please let me know the times of your gatherings), I live for sunny days and being outside. And the Oklahoma spring time is a thing of beauty, you know, when it isn’t trying to kill you. So, for those of you who are out of school this week, or for those that want to celebrate the return of the sun, I have a list of things that you can do over spring break right here in Oklahoma!
1. Take allergy medicine.
Along with the sun, we also have the return of the Bradford pears and cottonwoods. It’s the worst time of year. Trust me, if I could firebomb all the trees in the state simply to get rid of these assholes that make me spend so much on allergy medicine, I totally would.
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