Happy Monday after Daylight Savings Time. If you’re like me, then your zombie shuffling through your office and making half-ass jokes about how there isn’t enough coffee in the world for you make it through this day. And, again, if you’re like me, you’ll spend half the morning taking a nap in the conference room, praying that no one has an impromptu meeting that may disturb your slumber or get you fired. Couple this with the knowledge that the weather is going to be fantastic, and it’s hard to sit in your office and be even moderately productive today. But don’t fret. I’ve got all you need in the way of last week’s best tweets. They won’t make you a better worker, but they might make you smile. So sit back and settle in, because the tweets are after the jump!
We’ve all heard the doom and gloom facing the United States Postal Service. (I use their full name lest you think I’m referring to that Ben Gibbard band that isn’t Death Cab for Cutie.) There’s no money. People don’t write letters anymore. Maybe we won’t get letters on Saturdays. (Did this already happen? I don’t know because my mailbox is pretty empty except for junk.) Stamps apparently now cost $400 each. Or something. Honestly, I don’t know. I have a book of Forever Stamps that I bought before I could legally drink, and I’m pretty sure I’ll pass those down to my offspring.
So it only stands to reason that a postal worker would have to diversify his/her portfolio, so to speak. Because while rain and snow won’t stop them, severe budget cuts just might. But when you spend your whole day delivering mail, it’s hard to get a side gig up and running. What’s a mail carrier to do? Traffic drugs through the mail, of course. According to NewsOK.com:
EDMOND — A postal worker was jailed after investigators said he was trafficking drugs through the mail.
Art Lee Ladd, 57, was arrested Friday and booked into Oklahoma County jail. He was released Saturday on $42,500 bail, authorities said.
During a search of Ladd’s home at 912 Bel Air Ave. in Edmond, police said they found 2.4 pounds of marijuana and 25.5 grams of methamphetamine.
Ladd, a mail carrier at the Martin Luther King Jr. Post Office in Oklahoma City, told Edmond police and a postal inspector that he had intercepted packages at the station for friends who were selling drugs.
He told inspectors he brought the drugs home and would later give them to his friends, court documents show.
Man, that’s a lot of drugs. Can you imagine the shipping costs? Well, I assume he used one of those flat rate boxes, so it probably wasn’t that bad. And while this is terribly illegal and besmirches the good name of the USPS, can I just say that I’m glad this is the sort of illegal activity we have going on at an Oklahoma post office, given our history and all?
All in all, I don’t think this is the worst thing that could be done with the mail. Sure, drugs are bad and blah blah blah. But think about it. Is 2.4 pounds of pot really that big of a deal when you consider all the heinous things that could be done with the post? In case you can’t think of these things, I’ve made a list of the top 5 most heinous crimes that are totally worse than sneaking drugs through the mail.
1. Red Plum Barrage
At first, those Red Plum coupons may seem pretty okay. But they just keep coming, and you never use them. Sure, they have some pretty sweet Long John Silvers coupons in them, but considering you haven’t eaten at an LJS since 2001, you don’t really need it. Now, imagine if, in addition to the twice-weekly Red Plum packets you already receive, you started receiving more. The horror! Your recycling bin can’t handle that. At best, it’s a nuisance. At worst, it’s a fire hazard that could potentially cause some Grey Gardens-level paper hoarding in your dining room. And your mail carrier has the power to bring this on you at any given moment.
At the time of writing, I’m unsure as to whether or not I will have to attend work tomorrow. And if we’re open, I can guarantee that I will spend the entirety of the workday completely unproductive because I will feel that I’ve been cheated out of a snow day. And if you do have the day off, know that I will be jealous of you and your job where they don’t expect you to get out on the ice unnecessarily. Basically, I’m ready for this Monday to be the worst Monday ever. I’m sure some of you are in similar situations. That’s why I’ve put together the very best tweets for your entertainment. May they bring you comfort on your snow or non-snow day. As always, the tweets are after the jump.
If you exist in the year 2014, then you probably don’t have to listen to local radio. Your car has some sort of port or bluetooth capability that allows you to play music from the affordable, pocket-sized computer that is your phone, and you live like the king that ‘80s sci fi could never even imagine. There are times, however, when you find yourself listening to local radio. Like when your car’s auxiliary port no longer recognizes auxiliary cables, no matter how many new ones you buy.
I have found myself in this unfortunate situation as of late. Listening to all the Clear Channel offerings in the OKC Metro has not only made me aware of which 20 songs are most popular at any given moment, it has also made me murderous. Which makes me think that local radio personalities are similarly murderous.
This got me to thinking. If local radio personalities are, in fact, dangerous warriors driven to kill by the back beat of a Katy Perry song or hearing the same commercial for a car dealership 18 times in one hour, then surely they are fighters that can be ranked. And surely if you paid Blizzard Entertainment enough of your money, you could create characters just like our local radio hosts. Thus, I bring you the stats and rankings to better help you choose which radio personality would best serve you in a game of World of Warcraft.
If you’re like me, you’re nursing a Coor’s Light hangover at your desk while you pretend to get work done. Don’t worry. Come 10 AM, you should be able to take a nap in an empty office. Either that, or you’re calling in sick so you can sleep in and snuggle on the couch with your dog. Whatever you choose, know that I’m there with you in spirit, and to prove it, I’ve collected some of the best and brightest tweets of the past week for your reading pleasure. They won’t take away the hangover, but they might make you momentarily forget that you have one. As always, this week’s tweets are after the jump.
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