There are a lot of important milestones that I remember from high school. It’s a great time of your life where you’re meeting all sorts of goals and benchmarks, and skipping algebra class to smoke pot behind the dumpster at the Second Street Denny’s. You’re finally discovering who you were born to be, while also crying in a bathroom stall while people talk about you behind your back in the cafeteria.
Things like your driver’s test, going to prom, underage drinking, standardized tests, big football games, fingerbanging—all important parts of being a teenager in America. And for some, there’s also the letter jacket experience. That’s right, readers. I’m talking about being a jock. It’s that special condition that makes you better than everyone else because you are a player on the sportsball team….or band. But some kids in Moore won’t get to show off their sportiness.
According to KFOR.com:
How are things, readers? Do you have the springtime restlessness where you just want to be outside all day but can’t because you have a job that totally doesn’t understand how much you love the sun? Have you consumed enough allergy medicine in the past month for your innards to legally be considered a meth lab? Do you need a vacation but lack the funds as well as the PTO to do so? Well, the things I’m about to suggest to you won’t make you less restless, less allergic, or more vacation-ready. All I’m offering are some momentary distractions as you make your slow descent through life.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
If there’s one thing I know about money, it’s that I can’t fid a job that will give me as much of it as I want. Granted, I do believe my skills of staring off into space and spending unprecedented amounts of time in the break room adding more hot chocolate powder to my office coffee should get me roughly $400k a year, but most corporations disagree. I try to remember that in the grand scheme of things, I have it easy. But then my internet service provider raises my bill by $3 and I feel like I may as well be in the Great Depression.
Well, there are those who seem to have a handle on wealth and probably don’t spend a good 20% of their income on craft beer and slightly distressed deep v-neck shirts. These are people with savings accounts and Roth IRAs and 401ks and investment properties. They also seem to have a pyramid scheme. And you can join it this weekend. So yeah.
Times are tough for students. I should know. I’ve been going to school for the past 22 years, and just finished my last assignment ever last night. (That is, last assignment until I decide I need to go get a Ph.D.) When you’re a student, it seems like if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Either you have a terrible part-time job or you have a professor that won’t cut you a break. But most likely you’re just straight up broke, because paying rent, buying dollar beers, and stocking up on scantrons is crazy expensive.
And while I have worked a seriously strange combination of odd jobs throughout my tenure as Norman’s favorite kid with a Peter Pan complex, there are others who get more creative. No, I’m not talking about donating plasma, though that’s not a bad gig. (Seriously, it was the first time that I was monetarily rewarded for weighing a lot because they pay you based on your size.) I’m talking about robbing banks.
NORMAN, Okla. – The FBI is searching for a bank robber after the suspect hit the OU Federal Credit Union on W. Lindsey around Tuesday morning.
The man handed the teller a note demanding money.
He then put the cash in a white plastic grocery bag and fled on foot.
The surveillance pictures aren’t great but you can see the suspect wore a neon yellow hoodie.
You can call the FBI hotline at (405) 290-7770 if you think you might know the man’s identity.
Someone in a neon hoodie did something in Norman. If you’re laughing at that, it’s because all the kids these days are wearing those crazy Day-Glo colors and you’d be hard pressed to single them out. Though, kudos to this dude for thinking of that and not going with the traditional solid black ensemble of the bank robbers of yore.
Now, I guess a bank is a good thing to rob to get money. But this got me to thinking. There are probably a lot of really good things to steal in Norman. Even if they aren’t money, they are sure to draw a lot of cash in a back alley transaction. So, here’s a list of all the things that I recommend someone steal in Norman other than money from a bank.
Aw yeah, readers. It’s the weekend. If you work where I do, you’re probably going to Night Trips for lunch. Don’t tell my boss, though when I come back to the office covered in glitter and smelling like cotton candy perfume and daddy issues, I’m sure they’ll know. What can I say? Night Trips has fried mushrooms and mama likes fried mushrooms. Just kidding, readers. I’m equally close to the outlet mall, and I’d much rather come back to work with a maxed out credit card.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story before, but when I worked at a professional wrestling-themed barbecue restaurant in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart off I-35 (from which I got fired for signing a write-up form with “your mom” instead of my name), ZZ Top came in, and I got a picture with Billy Gibbons. His old man arthritic hands totally look like they are pinching my boob, but in reality, he’s just pointing at me. But I bet you wish you had a picture of your boob getting pinched by a rock and roll legend.
There is only one way to get that wish granted. Get yourself to Lucky Star Casino in Concho. There will be plenty of boob-pinching, as well as rock and roll and fun galore! Come on down and get yourself a drink. Then, gamble a bit, and enjoy the show. Basically, these are all the ingredients to make the best Friday night you’ve had in a long time. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get your boob pinched and your parents will hang the photo in the living room above the picture of you getting your master’s degree, because priorities, duh.
There are some things that, in my mind, are inextricably linked with summer time. Sunburn, wildfires tearing through the prairie, algal blooms taking over the lakes, long lines at snow cone stands, and idiot jerks leaving their dogs in their cars with the windows up when it’s over 100 degrees outsides are what I think of when I think of summer. Sure, there was once a time when summer was magical and I spent my time in those awesome above ground pools with the fake wood paneling while eating popsicles. Or, there was the holy land of your OKC metro childhood…Yeah. I’m talking about White Water Bay.
I haven’t been to White Water since I was in the seventh grade, and I went for Katie Thomas’s birthday party. We had a grand time floating along the lazy river and getting super wedgies on the Alcapulco Cliff Dive. But after being at White Water for more than an hour, you realize that the ratio of time spent in the water is inversely proportional to time spent waiting in line on hot asphalt while teenage lifeguards look put upon while helping children adjust their flotation devices.
But that might all be about to change. According to KFOR.com, White Water is going to get some new attractions.
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