What a night…
As I mentioned on Twitter, I’ve been a hardcore severe weather porn addict for over 20 years. I’ve never seen a weather event quite like yesterday. It wasn’t the most destructive storm we’ve ever had, but it sure was the weirdest.
But I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. We all should have known something was up when this image hit Twitter yesterday morning:
Yep, it’s official. There’s something really evil and scary taking place on the Dark Side of the Severe Weather Force. Since the May 20th, 2013 tornado, Mike Morgan instructed people to head south, Lord England retired, and Aaron Tuttle googled the term “copyright attorney who practices copyright law.” Now all of sudden we have this Dark Weather Priestess of Shadows appearing out of nowhere and flipping off Weather Predictor 5. That had to hurt Damon Lane’s feelings. $100 says she’s the same person responsible for David Payne’s Shadow Weather Dong.
Then again, I’m probably overreacting. The Weather Priestess isn’t even a meteorologist (of course, neither is Mike Morgan). Her name is actually “Plaaastic.” She’s a blogger, dancer, and Instagram star with a huge following. Apparently, she was visiting Channel 5 on some sort of “foreign exchange tour.” She’s not an evil demi-god sent to destroy us all.
Actually, I think it would be really cool for a channel or two to hire an evil weather girl. Plaaastic would be a good fit at KFOR Channel 4. She’d be the perfect rain cloud to Emily Sutton’s sunshine. Mike Morgan will probably name her chief storm chaser and put her on speedy motorcycle named Bob Moore Crotch Rocket 4! We’d all watch. Admit it, the dark side is kind of fun.
Anyway, a lot happened after Plaaastic creeped on the scene. At first, May 6th, 2015, seemed like your typical May severe weather day in Oklahoma. Storms fired up near Chickasha and slowly moved their way east/northeast up I-44 into the Moore / Norman area. When the tornado went through Norman, the whole storm stalled and small tornadoes either popped up out of nowhere, or reformed in the exact spots they were an hour earlier. This caused Mike Morgan to drop fancy new tornado words like “Multi-Vortex Suction Spots” and “Sink Drain Effect.”
The random twisters that popped from the sky were scary. One formed in the middle of the storm near Will Rogers World Airport. The tornado slowly skipped and danced east through south Oklahoma City and into Valley Brook, where it got a quick lap dance before turning south to grab some drugs at a motel on I-35 and SE 44th. Stormchasers called it The Methnado.
While this was going on, the southern half of the Oklahoma City metro was literally caught in a torrential downpour. It was so insane the Hobby Lobby family got out their huge boat and started loading animals on it just to be safe. Highway medians looked like the Lazy River at White Water. Streets flooded, idiots drove into them, and news cameras were on hand to film it.
The flooding led Oklahoma City to declare the first ever Emergency Flood Disaster in the city’s history. Apparently that’s a big deal. It caused Damon Lane to jizz in his pants on live TV. He was so excited you would have thought he had just given birth to a tornado. His excitement even carried over to Twitter:
FLASH FLOOD EMERGENCY FOR OKC. NEVER BEEN ISSUED FOR OKC BEFORE. HISTORIC FLOODING UNDERWAY. PARTS THAT HAVE NOT FLOODED BEFORE WILL
— Damon Lane (@KOCOdamonlane) May 7, 2015
His loyal co-workers decided to play along:
FLASH FLOOD EMERGENCY FOR OKC METRO. First time ever issued. #kocostorms (9:07pm)
— Jessica Schambach (@KOCOJessica) May 7, 2015
For the next 30 minutes or so, flash flooding and tornado damage dominated the news. And then our worst fear came true… The Tigernado.
The guy pictured above is Oklahoma City Police Chief Bill Citty, or as his rivals in the Valley Brook PD call him, Chief Lil’ Titty Bill Citty.
In all honesty, I really don’t know too much about Mr. Citty or whether he’s a good police chief. Hell, I don’t even know what a police chief does. I imagine he just sits around an office, smoking a cigarette and sipping on instant coffee, while waiting to use the big red phone that’s directly connected to Gary England’s severe weather cave.
But some people have very strong opinions about our chief of police. For example, the driver of this big white pick-up thinks Bill Citty needs to take a bath…
Give us some credit. We know our metro 7-Eleven stores.
Yesterday, we told you about the “social experiment” being conducted by Katy Hirsch, the hijab-wearing OCU student. She claims she was grabbed by a stranger at the 7-Eleven on 23rd and Penn for wearing a hijab. We questioned Katy’s eagerness to hop on the Jump To Conclusions Square, and suggested she was grabbed by a stranger at the 7-Eleven on 23rd and Penn simply because she was at the 7-Eleven on 23rd and Penn…
It sucks that some crazy nut went after her, but why does she automatically assume it’s related to her hijab? That seems like a rush to judgement. Hello! She was hanging out at the 7-Eleven on NW 23rd and Penn. Anything can happen there. It’s the most popular hangout in town for people who like to sniff paint and talk to themselves. Every time you walk inside that store you should have some mace and a bottle of disinfectant handy.
Well, I guess the crazies at that 7-Eleven are big fans of The Lost Ogle and want to make us look smart. After our post was published, this story about local winner John Fee popped up on KOKH. Apparently, the guy decided to rub one out in the parking lot…
It turns out everything we know about our state’s history is a fraud. Well, kind of.
Yesterday, The Oklahoman broke the earth-shattering news that the Heavener Runestone was not made by the Vikings. It was apparently made by drunk settlers instead.
The shocking story is part of The Oklahoman’s news series “Oklahoma Exposed.” Next week, expect a big story explaining that Sequoyah was illiterate.
Last night, I received a tip via the Ogle Mole Network claiming the domain MaryFailin.org is available on Ebay. The tip may have come from Rico Smith, the man behind the site and the same person who infamously snapped a photo with our Governor while wear a “Mary Failin'” t-shirt during the 2014 gubernatorial campaign.
With the quest to dethrone Mary now done and the his inventory of Mary Failin’ t-shirts depleted, I guess Rico doesn’t need the site anymore, and he’s wants to sell it to you for $5,000.
Here’s the screen shot:
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