Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Author Archive for Patrick

Woman kills “dangerous” snake in front yard. Calls Channel 4.

kfor snake 2

The lady pictured above is Carol Woodford. Yesterday afternoon, she stumbled across a snake in her front yard. Naturally, she did what any concerned citizen would do. She panicked, killed the snake, proclaimed it was poisonous, and then proudly called Channel 4 to tell them about it.

The only problem? The snake (probably) wasn’t all that dangerous or venomous. Of course, that small detail didn’t stop KFOR from running with the “Dangerous Snake Found in Metro neighborhood” headline.

From a now deleted story on KFOR:

Dangerous snake found in Metro neighborhood

It’s pretty scary when you see a snake slithering nearby, even if you don’t whether it is venomous.

For one metro couple, they knew immediately when they got a glimpse of a snake in their front yard, it was a dangerous copperhead.

Carol Woodford says in 18 years of living in the Edgewater Park neighborhood, she has never seen anything like it.

“This snake started off over here, and I thought he was gone, he ended up over here”, says Woodford pointing out where she first saw the snake at the corner of her yard.

Wow. You’re telling me that snakes move? It’s like they’re living, breathing creatures or something. Who would have thought it!

Anyway, I’m not a detective (or KFOR reporter), but perhaps the reason Carol’s never “seen anything like it” is because she’s literally never seen anything like it. According to the amateur herpetologists known as KFOR Facebook commenters, the snake was not a dangerous venomous copperhead, but a… uhm… well, I have no clue. I would share what the always reliable KFOR commenters had to say, but KFOR deleted the story from Facebook overnight. In the news industry, that’s what we call a 21st century retraction.

Even for an Ophidiophobiac like me, it wasn’t that difficult to see some inconsistencies in the KFOR report. For example, compare this montage of scary copperhead snakes that KFOR attached to its Facebook post with actual images of the dead snake. They look nothing alike:

Some Oklahomans still don’t know that Barack Obama is Muslim…

Earlier this week, Estately released one of those senseless clickbait studies to see what search engine questions people in each state asked more frequently than people in other states. Oklahoma’s was shocking. The most disproportionately searched phrase wasn’t “Am I pregnant?” or “Are trailers allowed in Capital Medical Center Zones?” or “How to survive a tornado… or earthquake… or flood… or wildfire… or rock slide… or sinkhole… or blizzard… or… well, you get my point.” It was actually “Is Obama Muslim.”

Check out the following map:

Google-search-mapx1

That’s kind of shocking. I wonder why so many people searched that phrase? You don’t have to spend too much time on Facebook to realize that most Oklahomans already know that Barack Hussein Obama is a Kenyan-born communist muslim homosexual-sympathizing dictator who’s hell-bent on creating a global race war against poorly educated, white, conservative Christians. Are people trying to reinforce what they already knew to be true? Who knows, but I should probably do some search engine pandering to get more traffic:

Is Barack Obama a Muslim. Barack Obama Muslim. Muslim Barack Obama. Barack Obama Islam. Barack Obama Koran. Barack Obama Hates Christians.

There we go. That should work.

Normally, something like this would serve as an embarrassment to a state that specializes in embarrassments, but “Is Obama Muslim” is kind of tame compared to what other states are searching. Picking a favorite from that map is about as challenging as choosing which Thunder girl you’d like to home with. I think my favorites are:

Can we fire the Oklahoma legislature on Friday?

fallin pic 3

Before we begin, I should clarify the headline above is actually a rhetorical question. Although Oklahoma is an “at will” state and a business can terminate your employment at any time for just about any reason, we can’t technically fire the Oklahoma legislature on Friday. We’ll have to wait until November to do it.

Ha ha ha. Just kidding. I’ve written a lot of things about the Oklahoma people over the years – making sound, logical decisions in the voting booth is not one them. Expect the Breechens and Cockrofts and Dewberrys and all the other people who turned Oklahoma into the backwards thinking, archaic, discriminatory, trickle down cesspool it’s become to be re-elected in landslides. More on that some other time.

There are many reasons why we should fire the Oklahoma legislature (negligence, gross misconduct, religious pandering, just to name of few), but the most obvious is how they’ve caused and mishandled the state budget crisis. For example, while lawmakers were cutting budgets from essential state services and asking agencies to make difficult spending cuts and sacrifices, they set on cash surpluses and used shady accounting practices in an attempt to increase their own funding.

At least that’s what I think happened. English is easy. Math are hard.

Via Phil Cross with KOKH Fox 25:

Shaq is a big fan of Joe Exotic…

A few weeks ago, I was walking my dog through the neighborhood and stumbled across this amazing yard sign:

joe exotic yard sign

Yep, I live in the same neighborhood as a Joe Exotic for President supporter. Well, at least I think they are supporters. It could be an ironic yard sign, but I doubt it. It was in front of one of those houses where somebody converted a garage into a regular room. If anyone is going to support Joe Exotic, it would have to be one of those people. Never trust them. They’ll make your neighborhood go downhill faster than you can say “Oh no, they’re building a Walmart down the street!” Seriously, those people are awful. They bring drugs. They bring crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

Anyway, it looks like Joe Exotic’s fledgling presidential campaign got a big boost. Towards the end of last night’s “Inside the NBA,” Shaq apparently announced that he’s purchased two tigers from Joe Exotic:

Mayor Mick needs to put this city on another diet…

mayor corentt taco bell

It’s hard to believe, but it’s been nearly 10 years since Mayor Mick put Oklahoma City on a Taco Bell Fresco Menu diet in an effort to help us all lose 1,000,000 pounds through painful diarrhea. We’re reminded about the campaign every now and then when Mayor Mick gives a TED Talk, or from PR firm-pitched news stories on websites like Entrepreneur.com:

A few years ago, a fitness magazine ranked Oklahoma City among America’s most obese places to live. After reading this, Mayor Mick Cornett entered his own height and weight into a government health website and found out that he was in fact obese. Both results plagued him.

So on New Year’s Eve of 2007, he announced to the press: “This city is going on a diet.” He challenged the citizens – and himself – to lose a collective 1 million pounds, setting up a website where more than 47,000 citizens registered for the OKC Million program and tracked their weight.

I’ll admit it. I’m one of the chubby funsters who signed up for that site. Granted, I lied about how much weight I lost and used the alias Haywood Jablome, but what can I say, I’m a team player. Plus, I’ll do anything to see Mayor Mick dance on Ellen.

Cornett knew that if he wanted to get people to get fit, he had to rebuild this commuter-friendly town for pedestrians. This meant adding new, wider sidewalks, biking routes and a larger park. When he proposed a 1-cent sales tax hike to fund these projects, it was welcomed with open arms due to its alignment with the health campaign, which had gained national attention.

By January 2012, the city hits its million-pound goal. It was removed from the same magazine’s list of America’s fattest cities and even landed a cushy spot on America’s top 10 fittest cities. Cornett says Oklahoma City also made the Kauffman Foundation’s list of most entrepreneurial cities, as several local businesses capitalized on the public health initiative.

That’s nice. Although the article is from 2014, it’s good to see Oklahoma City receiving positive, totally reliable, national attention for being a progressive city that encourages its citizens to lose weight and care about their health and fitness. I think we can universally agree that the weight loss campaign has worked. For example, every time I’m stuck in line at the Braum’s drive thru I now notice a little less arm fat from the person grabbing a sundae in front of me.

Anyway, I bring all this up because the American College of Sports Medicine recently released the American Fitness Index. It ranks the top 50 metro areas in the US by their “fitness.” Knowing that we as a city once lost 1,000,000 pounds, we have to be in the top 10 right?

1. Washington-Arlington-Alexandria, DC-VA-MD-WV
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul-Bloomington, MN-WI
3. Denver-Aurora-Lakewood, CO
4. Portland-Vancouver-Hillsboro, OR-WA
5. San Francisco-Oakland-Hayward, CA
6. Seattle-Tacoma-Bellevue, WA
7. Boston-Cambridge-Newton, MA-NH
8. Salt Lake City, UT
9. Hartford-West Hartford-East Hartford, CT
10. San Diego-Carlsbad, CA

Okay, so we didn’t make the top 10, but that’s fine. It gives us a goal for next year. Let’s see where we rank in the Top 20: