Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Author Archive for Patrick

There’s some weird stuff happening in Oklahoma right now…


Oklahoma is quickly becoming the Sodom and Gomorrah of the heartland.

In less than 24 hours, we’ve learned that:

A) Oklahoma brewers will soon be able to serve cold, tasty beer directly to thirsty customers.

B) Potheads from Hooker to Beaver to Valley Brook will have a chance to forget to vote for medical marijuana legalization in the not too distant future.

C) Hell has frozen over.

Seriously, what is going on here? Oklahoma’s been fighting the war against fun since the great Land Run of ’89. Now you’re telling me adults may soon be able to drink a beer at a brewery and then go home and smoke a joint to fight “stress,” “anxiety” or “insomnia” in the privacy of their own home? That’s terrifying! What’s next on the agenda? Properly funding education? Repairing roads and bridges? Getting decent license plates? If we’re not careful, all of our state’s many fine traditions may become extinct like the dinosaurs who died when Noah refused to save them.

Anyway, let’s touch base on these two topics. First, we’ll start with our good friends at Devon Energy convincing Scott Pruitt to let brewers serve craft beer directly to customers.

If you remember correctly, the ABLE Commission flexed a little muscle while shitting the bed and ruled that SB 424 allowed breweries to sell cold beer like Ogletoberfest for off-premise consumption only. The decision, which was apparently made in a brazen attempt to show everyone just how awful and bureaucratic our puritanical government can be, pissed off everyone because it totally contradicted the intent of the legislation.

After a public hearing, negative media attention and even lawmakers saying ABLE got it wrong, the agency announced they would seek an official opinion from Devon Energy / Attorney General Scott Pruitt. That decision was released yesterday. The verdict? Expect Vast to re-open as Frack Brothers Sky Brewery in the next few months…

Oklahoma is the 3rd freest state in the country!

Grab a joint, pop open a cold beer from the liquor store, and get a late-term abortion! We’re free, baby!

Well, at least we are according to the libertarian Cato Institute. They recently released a ranking of the 50 freest states in the country. Landing at the number 3 spot was Oklahoma.

Here are the details via Freedom In The 50 States:

Despite efforts to reduce incarceration, Oklahoma’s prison population is growing at a steady pace.

The trend includes a surge of state inmates being held in county jails in recent months and the rate of women in prison reaching its highest recorded level.

Oklahoma Department of Corrections data show that since late 2014, a year when early-release policies were relaxed to help reduce incarceration, the number of inmates in corrections facilities has increased by nearly 1,200, reaching 28,095 near the end of 2015. The total also rose throughout 2014.

Data released by the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics also show that Oklahoma had the second highest incarceration rate in the nation in 2014, at 700 inmates per 100,000 population. The national rate was 471.

Oops. Wrong article. That’s an Oklahoma Watch piece about Oklahoma having the second highest incarceration rate in the country! My bad. Now let’s get back to the Sooner state being the third freest state in the country:

Even the KFOR Social Media Bandit hates the new license plate…

Yesterday morning, we leaked an image of the new Oklahoma license plate design a few hours before Mary Fallin’s officially unveiling at the Capitol. In case you don’t have a social media account and have missed all the complaining, here’s what it looks like:

oklahoam license plate

Please keep in mind, that’s an image of an actual license plate. It looks a lot more dark, drab and dreary than the extremely bright rendering being pushed by the Governor.

The new plate, which was apparently inspired by The Hunger Games trilogy, Twitter Brand Identity Guide and Colorado’s majestic peaks and iconic mesas, has been universally panned. In fact, the thing is so bad that even the KFOR Social Media Bandit voiced some frustrations. Check out this Facebook post:

The ABLE Commission is protecting us from the evils of good craft beer…

When I first heard about the ABLE Commission’s recent dick move to not follow the intent of SB424 and prohibit local craft brewers from selling cold six point beer like Ogletoberfest for on-site consumption, I did what any sane, logical blogger looking for an easy tax write-off would do. I flew to Colorado to experience the feeling of buying cold Oklahoma beer in a liquor store, something I still can’t do here…

prairie artisan ale

Is flying to Denver on whim to buy cold, award-winning Oklahoma beer in a liquor store rational or even related to the issue at hand? Other than not having to clean beer slush out of my freezer the following morning, probably not, but then again, neither is ABLE’s decision to prohibit on site consumption of craft beer inside tap rooms.

Earlier this year, the Oklahoma legislature and Governor Fallin actually did something right for a change and passed Senate Bill 424. Scheduled to go into effect on August 26th, the law authorized brewers to sell their beers directly to customers on their premises. Great news for beer lovers, right? Well, not if you’re a puritanical fun hater who works for the ABLE Commission. They’re totally against it.

Via a Brianna “Don’t Call Me Daughter” Bailey article on TheOklahoman.com:

Here’s a sneak peek of our new license plate…


Hello tributes!

Later today, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin will hold a press conference unveiling a new design for Oklahoma license plates. We have acquired a copy of the new plate from some brave Ogle Moles fighting the rebellion against Governor Fallin in District 1.

Check it out: