Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Author Archive for Spence

Dream Job: Energy FC Stress Ball Cannon Operator

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Back in 2015, I tried out for the Energy FC. I didn’t make the cut. But the coaches remembered me… because I have heart. I’m like the Rudy of OKC soccer… only more talented than Sean Astin and with really nice calves. While my dreams of being a professional athlete were crushed on that blustery February morning, the chance to get on the pitch wasn’t dead.

Knowing about my love of guns, Patrick and Energy FC (disclaimer: A member of TLO Ad Club) worked out a deal to let me shoot the t-shirt… errr… stress ball cannon during halftime of the recent match between OKC and Vancouver. The only catch was that I would have to work for a few hours in the hot sun as a member of the Energy Hype Team. They’re the people who help prepare the stadium, and pump up the fans during the match. I figured, “Sure, why not?! Show up before the game, hang some banners, eat some orange slices, and then shoot a modified potato gun into a crowd of people. Sounds like a great Saturday!”

Well, it wasn’t as easy as I expected. I arrived at 4pm and met my bosses Morgan the Marauder and Brendan the Benevolent. Members of the Hype team were already there setting things up. After hazing me in a ritual I’m not allowed to talk about called the Wedgie Grinder, they put me to work.

First we set up meeting spots for pre-game events, and then we prepared mics for the National Anthem, which I think was performed by Vince Gill and Carrie Underwood. After that, they sent me on a special mission to make sure the wheels of the giant Energy FC bike were screwed on tight.

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I should mention that I was being shadowed by my own personal photographer, Jeslyn Chanchaleune. She’s working on a biopic about my life called “The Man Behind The Cape.” She took all the photos.

Once I checked the wheel’s on Wun Wun’s bike, I stopped by a merchandise booth to smell all the Energy gear and make sure it met specifications:

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Fun Fact: I’m pretty sure the Energy uses Snuggle Fresh Spring fabric softener. It also could have been Ocean Mist. I’m not 100% sure. One thing I am sure about, though, is they don’t sell sunscreen at the souvenir stand, which is a shame, because that could make the Energy about a million dollars. I’m not the only Ginger Biscuit that likes to go to soccer games. It doesn’t even need to be branded. Just sell the cheap stuff. You’re welcome, Energy.

After smelling shirts, jerseys, and Umbros, I was sent to inspect each flag to make sure it wasn’t defective or showing signs of wear:

7 Reasons to Attend DeadCenter Film Festival

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The DeadCenter Film Festival is upon us! It’s also celebrating its Sweet 16. Hard to believe it’s already 16. Seems like only yesterday DeadCenter was having to be dropped off and picked up for all its stupid after school activities. Now, DeadCenter can drive itself to trombone lessons.

What started out as a couple of film nerds watching indie films in their garage has turned into something awesome. From June 8 -12 you can attend parties, see short films, watch feature-length movies, attend Q&A’s, take a nap in the bathroom, and a whole host of awesome events.

If you’ve never been to DeadCenter, or are just looking for a reason to go this year, I’m about to give you 7 reasons. Also, check out the DeadCenter website for information on the schedule and passes.

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1. It’s a good excuse to sit around and watch movies all day.

Listen, it’s going to start getting hot this week according to Aaron Tuttle. Why not save money on your electricity bill by going out and sitting in an air-conditioned theater and let them pay the utility bill? There is a whole bunch of movies and shorts and certainly some of them will pique your interest. Personally, I’m excited about a movie titled “O’ Brother.” It’s about a politico who is caught up in an adultery website hack. Seems interesting.

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2. You can be a movie snob.

7 Things Prettier Than Wind Turbines

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There is a debate raging right now in Oklahoma between oil company executives and the wind companies. Apparently, the folks behind one of the most-subsidized industries in Oklahoma doesn’t like it when competing industries get tax breaks.

Via the oil energy-run media outlet known as The Oklahoman:

Some oil and gas executives, including Continental Resources’ Harold Hamm, are embarking on a campaign to end Oklahoma’s tax incentives for wind generation, saying the state can’t afford to subsidize a now-established industry as it faces a $1.3 billion shortfall.

The group, which calls itself the Windfall Coalition, said ending the state tax incentives and instituting a production tax credit for wind would level the playing field and spur more natural gas use by utilities for electricity generation.

Oklahoma added more than 1,400 megawatts of wind capacity in 2015. The state remained in fourth place among states for wind capacity, with 5,184 megawatts. Almost 700 megawatts are under construction in Oklahoma, the American Wind Energy Association said in its latest market report. Oklahoma now gets about 17 percent of its electricity from wind.

Hamm said he got interested in tax incentives for wind generation after talking to a friend, Frank Robson, a Claremore businessman who has helped organize the Oklahoma Property Rights Association and WindWaste. Those two groups have worked the past several years to end the state tax credits and put restrictions on the siting of wind turbines.

I don’t blame Uncle Hamm for taking this stance. He wants the oil industry to have an advantage over wind, and taking away tax incentives from industries that turn moving air into energy will make them less profitable and appealing. That’s not only good for Uncle Hamm, but good for Oklahoma, too. As we know, natural gas is infinite and will never ever run out. Unlike wind, which will stop blowing sooner or later.

Corporate welfare aside, I think there is something else at the heart of this matter. Harold Hamm doesn’t like the way wind farms look. Sure, beauty is subjective, but Uncle Harold has opinions, and a lot of money… which means they matter more than ours. In an interview with the The National Journal (pay wall alert) he once complained about how unsightly wind farms can be:

“I frankly don’t like to see a wind turbine,” Hamm told National Journal. “Once they’re there, they haunt you. That’s your viewshed. That’s what you look at. All those things standing out in the distance, we have them all over Oklahoma. And it doesn’t look very good. I frankly don’t like it.”

Uncle Hamm is correct. Wind farms are ugly and they do haunt you. The last time I drove to by the Weatherford wind farm I was haunted by the ghosts of wind farms past when they sent possessed lesser prairie chickens to shit all over my car. That was pretty disgusting and unsightly, so it got me thinking about things that are prettier than wind farms:

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1. Abandoned Well Sites

There is something peaceful and rustic about an abandoned well site. When I look at these piles of metal and probably chemicals, I think about the fortunes that they made someone like Harold Hamm, and think, he is an artist!

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2. Pumpjacks in the Parking Lot

Aspiring politician learns not to leave car running while knocking on doors…

Forrest Bennett

The dude with a head bigger than a log in that pile of adorable is Forrest Bennett. He is running for House District 92. It’s the district that has been gerrymandered to include parts of Bricktown, Midtown and S. OKC.

Over the weekend, Forrest was knocking on doors in south Oklahoma City when his 1995 Avalon was stolen. Why would someone steal an old Avalon? Because Ole Log Head left his car running.

Via KFOR:

Forrest Bennett is a teacher’s assistant at OU during the week and an Oklahoma House of Representatives candidate on the weekend.

“They tell you to expect the unexpected on the campaign trail, but this was a little bit beyond the pale,” said Bennett, first time candidate for House District 92.

Bennett was busy Saturday morning campaigning for House District 92 in the area of S.E. 22nd and Stonewall.

When he was knocking door-to-door, he turned around and realized his car was gone.

“Our conversation couldn’t have been more than a minute long, and I was right on the porch. I didn’t go in at all. When I turned around to walk back to my car, it was gone,” Bennett said.

Bennett said he left his car running, thinking it would just be a 30-second stop.

“It took a while to process. I mean, I really can’t describe it. It’s never happened to me before,” he said.

His white 1995 Toyota Avalon wasn’t an expensive car, but it had a lot of meaning to Bennett.

He left his car running in Southeast OKC? Boy, he really knows his district. With that type of decision making, he’s going to make one hell of an Oklahoma legislator! He’s definitely the person we need to help lead us out of the state budget crisis.

Forrest’s sad story was picked up by the media. Here was his statement:

In all honesty, Forrest really should have known better that to leave his car running in South Oklahoma City. Just check out his campaign motto:

Now Oklahoma legislators are thinking of fancy ways to eliminate public education…

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There is a saying around the Oklahoma Capitol that goes, “Thank God for Mississippi.” It’s because if there were no Mississippi, Oklahoma would be dead last in a whole bunch of categories that we don’t want to be last in – education, namely. But with the introduction of Senate Bill 1187 by State Senators Josh Brecheen and Clark Jolley, Mississippi will soon be saying, “Thank God for Oklahoma!”

Here is the purpose of SB1187:

There is hereby established the School District Empowerment Program which shall be administered by the State Board of Education. The purpose of the program is to empower locally elected school board members to govern school districts and make decisions based on the needs of their students and circumstances.

I understand some people hate Common Core/ No Child Left Behind and other programs handed down from the federal government, but having a standard of education across the nation is actually a good thing. Sometimes people move, and if you move to or from Oklahoma, your child should be able to be at the same standard of the school they are going to/from, right? Having a problem with the programs is fine, but our country and our state should have a standard of education, and it should be high.

Just kidding. Our schools are broke and have no money, and we treat teachers like crap. We suck. Don’t move here. Our Governor wants to flunk all the 4th graders.

Here is some more from the bill: