The Oklahoma City Energy Football Club had open tryouts this past weekend. That’s right, anyone who wanted to give it a shot could attempt to become a professional soccer player.
A few weeks ago, Patrick passive aggressively asked me if I’d be interested in trying out for the Oklahoma City Energy. He thought it would be funny for me to get in there and mix it up and embarrass myself while making a sponsor happy. Thanks Patrick.
Since I played soccer for one year in high school, I figured it would be fun. Now, when I say I “played” soccer, that really means I was a sophomore on the Shawnee High School J.V. team and spent more time looking at girls (all three of them) in the stands than scoring goals on the field. My crowning achievement was the time I stopped a ball with my face and broke my nose. I hated soccer the rest of that year and never played again.
Sidenote: Our soccer coach at SHS was cheating on his wife with a girl from my class. They later went on to get married.
Fast forward 18 or 19 years and there I was, the oldest dude on a practice field in Norman, pretending not to be out of breath like Chevy Chase on a red carpet and being yelled at by kids half my age for not knowing what the Hell I’m doing.
Some of the coaches knew I was there as a goof. The group I was assigned to was led by Steve Scott. He let me participate in the warm-up drills, but didn’t tell any of the other players that I had no idea what I was doing. During the warm-up, some of the players literally laughed at how bad I was, while others were visibly frustrated. I’m not sure why they were frustrated. If I were a part of Last Comic Standing and I watched a comedian perform as badly as I played soccer, I would be like, “Hey, I know at least one person who is not a threat to my advancement!”
One of the coaches who didn’t know I was there on behalf of TLO was Scottish scamp James Ritchie. He was asked to “evaluate” me and then proceeded to treated me like I was on stage for a Comedy Central Roast. What he said was hilarious… and hurtful:
Jen Kirkman was just finishing up a taping for the Comedy Central show @Midnight, when I had the chance to talk to her about her OKC show this Wednesday. It’s the first time I’ve spoken with Jenn since she blocked me on Twitter a few years ago after a little spat.
Back in 2012, Jen boycotted Twitter because of all the sexism, misogyny and basically all of the assholes with access to the internet. After her hiatus, I decided to chime in and be a misogynistic asshole to her by tweeting:
Has @JenKirkman rid the internet of misogyny and assholes yet?
This lead to….
Last week, Marisa took a satirical look at the report that listed the most Googled items by state for 2014. Since TLO is a disorganised cluster fuck with poor leadership, and Patrick sent me this story without telling me Marisa would be writing about it, I thought I’d also share my own views on the topic.
To recap, the website Estately posted some clickbait that listed the most searched for things on the internet by state for 2014. Surprisingly, Oklahomans searched for things like Ebola, and Ebola symptoms, which is about as close as some of us will get to healthcare since Governor Fallin didn’t expand Medicaid. I’m pretty sure you don’t need to know the symptoms of Ebola. If you ever find yourself bleeding from the eyes and anus, skip Web MD and go see a doctor. Even if you can’t afford it, don’t worry… us taxpayers will pick up the bill.
Of course, Ebola doesn’t look so bad when you see what other state’s searched. Heck, Kansas didn’t search anything. It’ll be sweet to see what happens when they get the internet. And then there’s poor Utah. They’re still searching for those nonexistent Emma Watson Nude photos. Sad.
In addition to Ebola, here are the things we searched for in Oklahoma more than any other state. Some of the items my surprise you:
We break this list down after the jump…
Yesterday, the KFOR Social Media Bandit posted a clickbait story by CNN on their website about the texting acronyms kids are now using to talk about their genitals. The list includes 28 items that range in meaning from “Hey, my parents are in the room,” to more dangerous acronyms like, “I’m high on bath salts and want to show you my wiener.”
It’s a good idea to inform your children that taking nude photos and putting them on the internet can either ruin your life or make you super famous. But I would venture to say that if you are already reading your kids texts, maybe it doesn’t matter what the acronyms are… look for inappropriate photos, explicit messages, context, or Snapchat. These acronyms seem to only be used to solicit this behavior.
Here’s the list:
If you are a regular reader of TLO, then you know certain writers have had a little fun at the Gazette’s expense. I think it’s because those certain writers are jealous, envious, whiny, sad little men who can’t handle or deal with the accomplishments of friends and colleagues, but what do I know. Sure, the Gazette put a Wayne Coyne mask on the cover last month, but let’s not forget that Wayne Coyne is a famous… singer? Rock star? Drug user? Whatever, people know who he is and the few times I’ve met him he’s always been nice. But let’s not forget that the Gazette, aside from all the massage ads, is a cool weekly newspaper and we are lucky to have it.
Since other writers here at TLO headquarters have poked fun at my favorite weekly paper, I’d like to give you 5 reasons the Gazette is the best newspaper in Oklahoma:
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