Halloween is upon us, and unless you’re diabetic, it’s one of the funnest holidays of the year!
I used to enjoy having an excuse to check out girls in slutty outfits and drink and eat candy, but now that I have a kid I assume my Halloweens will be filled with making sure people aren’t putting razor blades in food. I also have to stay vigilant against all the pedophiles that are apparently dressed like Iron Man.
So for the people out there who are still free to go out and party, Patrick and I want to give you some ideas on what Oklahoma-themed costumes to wear. Wear them to your party, the Halloween Parade, or whatever you’ll be doing while I’m at home checking candy…
Vampire Native Hipster Boo Boo
The only thing better than shitting on the sanctity of marriage by being married and divorced multiple times in a year, is shitting on the culture of Native Americans. It’s a pretty easy costume, just paint your face as white as a vampire and put on a sacred headdress.
Go to Walmart and buy the best OU or OSU apparel you can find. Then go around telling everyone that you are a Christian while at the same time condemning all Muslims. You know, just like Jesus!
While most of you were watching Thursday Night Football or Scandal last night, I took in a gubernatorial debate that featured Mary Fallin bumbling through stock answers with a shiny diamond cross around her neck and Joe Dorman trying to recall facts and figures with a shiny bald head on his head.
As a loyal service to our TLO readers, I thought I’d spend a couple of minutes to provide a recap of the questions, answers and share other random thoughts. Check it out. Despite my preference for Dorman, and the fact that I served as the personal assistant for Governor Henry, I have been completely fair and balanced in my summary of their responses.
Here we go!
Question 1: How do we fix the teacher crisis and education system?
Joe Dorman: We shouldn’t give 3rd graders tests and we should give more money to education.
Mary Fallin: I have never met Janet Barresi, and I have given more money to education this year. Remember when the economy collapsed? Yeah, now that it’s all better I will give more money to schools. But I’m going to keep the A-F school grading systems. Again, I don’t know Janet Barressi. And also the economic recovery had nothing to do with Obama.
p.s. – The audio and video was kind of screwy… OSU A/V club needs to get their shit together or let the OU kids have a crack at it. Also, the moderator seemed more nervous than the candidates. I would crap my pants too if I was in the same room as these two political powerhouses.
There comes a time in everyone’s life when it’s best for you and your employer to part ways. Most people take the boring, reference friendly path, and submit a notice of some sort. Then there are people who take life by the balls and go out with a bang. Alaska’s Charlo Greene is one such person. The video of her dropping an F-bomb live is a great way to get your point across, while at the same time screwing your employees who have no idea how to react to things that aren’t written on a teleprompter.
That’s awesome, right? I hope the 49 people who live in Alaska heed Charlo’s call and legalize marijuana.
But you don’t visit TLO to see people cuss on television. Well, actually you do, but today you came here for life advice. Therefore, I’ve come up with a list of local jobs and the best way to quit.
1. TV Weatherman
There are several ways to go. Farting on air and then calling it a “low pressure system” would probably do the trick, but if you’re a weatherman named Aaron Bracket, we’d all probably donate to your unemployment Go Fund Me or buy weed from you if you made a huge weather dong on the screen and then told Mike Morgan or Emily Sutton to “suck it.” That would be epic.
2. Omniplex Volunteer
Give your boss a scavenger hunt that leads to the shadow room, where your boss will find a shadow outline of you giving him the finger.
Some people enjoy stealing… especially when they want something and they don’t wanna pay for it. This is especially true in Oklahoma. In fact, this past weekend a comic friend of mine had his car stolen while he was at an open mic in Bricktown. How shitty is that? And yes, I’m referring to the car and not an open mic in Bricktown.
I’m not sure why people steal. I assume it depends on the person and their situation. Some steal for the rush, some steal because they are in need, some steal to afford an addiction, and some steal because their neighbor doesn’t have a Wi-Fi password. Hey, if you’re not going to protect it, I’m going to use it. I guess that’s not really stealing, is it?
Anyway, here’s a very scientific and comprehensive list of seven things Oklahomans love to steal:
1.) Basketball teams
Get over it Sonic fans, a group of rich dudes bought the team from another rich dude. You can be upset at the rich dudes for screwing you out of a basketball team, but stop being upset at the fans who love them now. I get it though, it’s like getting a divorce and then having to watch your ex become super successful, while you sit at home in your underwear, eating frosting from the can, sob-yelling at the TV, “We drafted KD!”
One of the more underrated aspects of all the MAPS projects is that our homeless sex offenders now have plenty of places to bathe in public. For the longest time, they were relegated to back alleys, public pools and Love’s Travel Stop bathrooms. Now it seems like there’s always a fountain, canal or even a river nearby if they ever feel the urge to bath.
David Berens, pictured above, knows this firsthand. He decided to take a shower in the splash pad at the Myriad Gardens.
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