Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Author Archive for Spence

Now Oklahoma legislators are thinking of fancy ways to eliminate public education…

picard facepalm

There is a saying around the Oklahoma Capitol that goes, “Thank God for Mississippi.” It’s because if there were no Mississippi, Oklahoma would be dead last in a whole bunch of categories that we don’t want to be last in – education, namely. But with the introduction of Senate Bill 1187 by State Senators Josh Brecheen and Clark Jolley, Mississippi will soon be saying, “Thank God for Oklahoma!”

Here is the purpose of SB1187:

There is hereby established the School District Empowerment Program which shall be administered by the State Board of Education. The purpose of the program is to empower locally elected school board members to govern school districts and make decisions based on the needs of their students and circumstances.

I understand some people hate Common Core/ No Child Left Behind and other programs handed down from the federal government, but having a standard of education across the nation is actually a good thing. Sometimes people move, and if you move to or from Oklahoma, your child should be able to be at the same standard of the school they are going to/from, right? Having a problem with the programs is fine, but our country and our state should have a standard of education, and it should be high.

Just kidding. Our schools are broke and have no money, and we treat teachers like crap. We suck. Don’t move here. Our Governor wants to flunk all the 4th graders.

Here is some more from the bill:

What if OKC had a #WhatIfOKC campaign?

whatifokc BBQ spare ribs

Earlier this week, some local ad agency folks or social media experts or whatever started at “mysterious” social media hashtag campaign called #WhatIfOKC. The idea is that social media users are supposed to use the hashtag to share what changes they’d like to see happen to Oklahoma City.

This got the attention of NewsOK.com:

The Oklahoma City Twitterverse is optimistic today.

Residents are using the hashtag #WhatIfOKC to talk about the change they’d like to see in the city. It’s a movement started by Made Possible By Us.

The folks at Made Possible haven’t yet announced what they’re planning to do, but it’s great to see residents having positive and thoughtful conversations about the future of OKC. To join the conversation, use #WhatIfOKC.

I don’t know, but this seems kind of cheeky. What’s in it for the people putting the thing together? Are they going to present Mayor Cornett and the city council a big book of “What Ifs,” or are they going to use the responses as a sneaky way to make money? We have no clue.

That being said, playing the “What If…” game is fun. I like to imagine things like “What if I won the lottery?” or “What if didn’t have red hair?” or “What if the news stations didn’t cut to people like Val, who are in a car looking at rain or clouds? I mean, I could see the same thing if I stepped outside. Show me the damned radar pics of where the storm is heading! I don’t own a radar to see that kind of stuff, you do. I don’t give a shit that Reed Trimmer might be looking at a ‘rain wrapped’ tornado. How about you show me the radar stuff, and I’ll look at the pictures you took of the storm afterward.”

Anyway, NewsOK.com shared some of the “What If…” ideas in a slide show. Since Patrick thinks slide shows are just a cheap way to garner page views, I picked out some of my favorites below after the jump, which is also another cheap way to get pageviews:

10 things that are good about Oklahoma…

Last week was not a good week for Oklahoma. It makes me sad when our state is put under the spotlight for the stupid actions of our citizens, college students, State Reps, State Senators, Congressmen, and/or U.S. Senators. People love to bitch about all the stuff that is wrong with Oklahoma. Is Oklahoma perfect? Absolutely not. But it’s not as bad as everyone on Facebook makes it seem, otherwise most of us would move.

I would like to help cleanse the palette and talk about some of the things that are good for Oklahoma. Things we enjoy. Things like…


1.) Sports!

The Thunder are awesome… when they’re healthy. The Sooners have Seven Mythical National Championships in football. The Cowboys still have T. Boone Pickens’ credit card and are sometimes good at sports. And Tulsa…well, it’s still there. (Can someone double-check to make sure?) Sports bring people together. They also bring in a lot of money, unless you’re a player in the NCAA. In that case, enjoy the free head trauma! If you want to enjoy sports, become a casual fan. If you take it too seriously you’ll get into debates on message boards. Don’t be that person. They are bad for Oklahoma.

state meal

2.) Food!

Oklahoma has a lot of great food, and everyone, regardless of gender, race or sexual preference, has to eat! Food is something we can all get behind… and then die of obesity. Shit… sorry, I’m trying to stay positive. Enjoy the great foods we have in Oklahoma, but don’t die of obesity.


3.) Cost of Living!

Another great thing about Oklahoma is the low cost of living. You can buy a nice house and still have some money leftover to spend on food and sports. Unless you don’t get paid very much and have student loans. In that case, enjoy the crippling debt and Netflix instead of cable!

Damn, I did it again. OK, start your own oil company and become a billionaire, that would be good for you AND Oklahoma!

I survived my professional soccer tryout with the Oklahoma City Energy

Screenshot 2015-02-16 12.37.22

The Oklahoma City Energy Football Club had open tryouts this past weekend. That’s right, anyone who wanted to give it a shot could attempt to become a professional soccer player.

A few weeks ago, Patrick passive aggressively asked me if I’d be interested in trying out for the Oklahoma City Energy. He thought it would be funny for me to get in there and mix it up and embarrass myself while making a sponsor happy. Thanks Patrick.

Since I played soccer for one year in high school, I figured it would be fun. Now, when I say I “played” soccer, that really means I was a sophomore on the Shawnee High School J.V. team and spent more time looking at girls (all three of them) in the stands than scoring goals on the field. My crowning achievement was the time I stopped a ball with my face and broke my nose. I hated soccer the rest of that year and never played again.

Sidenote: Our soccer coach at SHS was cheating on his wife with a girl from my class. They later went on to get married.

Fast forward 18 or 19 years and there I was, the oldest dude on a practice field in Norman, pretending not to be out of breath like Chevy Chase on a red carpet and being yelled at by kids half my age for not knowing what the Hell I’m doing.

Some of the coaches knew I was there as a goof. The group I was assigned to was led by Steve Scott. He let me participate in the warm-up drills, but didn’t tell any of the other players that I had no idea what I was doing. During the warm-up, some of the players literally laughed at how bad I was, while others were visibly frustrated. I’m not sure why they were frustrated. If I were a part of Last Comic Standing and I watched a comedian perform as badly as I played soccer, I would be like, “Hey, I know at least one person who is not a threat to my advancement!”

One of the coaches who didn’t know I was there on behalf of TLO was Scottish scamp James Ritchie. He was asked to “evaluate” me and then proceeded to treated me like I was on stage for a Comedy Central Roast. What he said was hilarious… and hurtful:

See Jen Kirkman perform comedy before she blocks Spencer on Twitter… again


Jen Kirkman was just finishing up a taping for the Comedy Central show @Midnight, when I had the chance to talk to her about her OKC show this Wednesday. It’s the first time I’ve spoken with Jenn since she blocked me on Twitter a few years ago after a little spat.

Wait… what?

Back in 2012, Jen boycotted Twitter because of all the sexism, misogyny and basically all of the assholes with access to the internet. After her hiatus, I decided to chime in and be a misogynistic asshole to her by tweeting:

Has @JenKirkman rid the internet of misogyny and assholes yet?

This lead to….