There’s been a disturbance in the Oklahoma Severe Weather Force.
Late last night, diabolical Facebook weatherman Aaron Tuttle warned that a line of supercells containing killer EF4 and EF5 tornadoes may fire up along the I-40 corridor and hit the Oklahoma City metro on Monday evening.
Naturally, the apocalyptic forecast incited fear and panic among Aaron Tuttle’s 93,000 Facebook followers. After watching a rape on Game of Thrones and learning Mad Men was nothing more than a really long infomercial for Coca-Cola, they probably figured the world really was ending and shared the following forecast an astonishing 3,800+ times…
Do you have a gimmicky, buggy web app that you want to promote? Are you trying to get more shares of your content on Facebook? Well, have I got an idea for you! Simply claim you’re an expert meteorologist, make up a bunch of scary shit about the weather, and then hit the post button! It doesn’t even need to be remotely accurate. It will spread over Facebook like a squall line on a cold front. Just make sure to ask people to donate to your product at the very end. It’s that easy.
Much like the tone of his cocktail tanned skin, Tuttle’s forecast was absolute bullshit. According to The National Weather Service and all local news channels, the tornado threat for Oklahoma City this evening is extremely low to non-existent. This was noted by Severe Weather Princess Emily Sutton. She hopped on Facebook early in the morning to calm the weather fears being spread by an “Internet Meteorologist.”
Via Emily’s Facebook page:
Last Friday, KFOR’s Ashley Kringen sent out the following tweet. It’s a pic of her along with notorious local bodybuilder trainer / Muscle Milk shareholder Scott Do…
We’ve been fans of KFOR’s Ashley Kringen since the former beauty queen burst on the OKC Media scene in 2012ish. She’s made our most recent rankings of the 20 Hottest, been featured on Hot Girl Friday and was the focus of a post where we helped her pick out future adventures, but this kind of worries me. I know it’s cool to be healthy and in shape, but bodybuilding is creepy and unnatural. If God wanted us all to look like Greek gods and professional wrestlers, would he really have made carbs, sugar and saturated fat? Probably not.
Plus, her trainer is Scott Do. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I actually worked out at Scott’s gym on N. May a few years ago. I was the resident Chubby Funster who made everyone else in the gym feel better about themselves. Hopefully this doesn’t get me broken in half like a protein bar, but Scott was about as nice and personable as an elliptical machine. You’d say “Good Morning” and he’d look at you like you were an empty container of cottage cheese. He’s known for being borderline insane when it comes to diet, and he makes his clients exercise and eat like they’re Biggest Loser contestants. I eventually had to leave his place in 2013 as punishment for hanging pizza slices in front of my treadmill as motivation.
With that being said, let’s take a look at some photo’s from the event and see how Ashley did…
What a night…
As I mentioned on Twitter, I’ve been a hardcore severe weather porn addict for over 20 years. I’ve never seen a weather event quite like yesterday. It wasn’t the most destructive storm we’ve ever had, but it sure was the weirdest.
But I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. We all should have known something was up when this image hit Twitter yesterday morning:
Yep, it’s official. There’s something really evil and scary taking place on the Dark Side of the Severe Weather Force. Since the May 20th, 2013 tornado, Mike Morgan instructed people to head south, Lord England retired, and Aaron Tuttle googled the term “copyright attorney who practices copyright law.” Now all of sudden we have this Dark Weather Priestess of Shadows appearing out of nowhere and flipping off Weather Predictor 5. That had to hurt Damon Lane’s feelings. $100 says she’s the same person responsible for David Payne’s Shadow Weather Dong.
Then again, I’m probably overreacting. The Weather Priestess isn’t even a meteorologist (of course, neither is Mike Morgan). Her name is actually “Plaaastic.” She’s a blogger, dancer, and Instagram star with a huge following. Apparently, she was visiting Channel 5 on some sort of “foreign exchange tour.” She’s not an evil demi-god sent to destroy us all.
Actually, I think it would be really cool for a channel or two to hire an evil weather girl. Plaaastic would be a good fit at KFOR Channel 4. She’d be the perfect rain cloud to Emily Sutton’s sunshine. Mike Morgan will probably name her chief storm chaser and put her on a speedy motorcycle named Bob Moore Crotch Rocket 4! We’d all watch. Admit it, the dark side is kind of fun.
Anyway, a lot happened after Plaaastic creeped on the scene. At first, May 6th, 2015, seemed like your typical May severe weather day in Oklahoma. Storms fired up near Chickasha and slowly moved their way east/northeast up I-44 into the Moore / Norman area. When the tornado went through Norman, the whole storm stalled and small tornadoes either popped up out of nowhere, or reformed in the exact spots they were an hour earlier. This caused Mike Morgan to drop fancy new tornado words like “Multi-Vortex Suction Spots” and “Sink Drain Effect.”
The random twisters that popped from the sky were scary. One formed in the middle of the storm near Will Rogers World Airport. The tornado slowly skipped and danced east through south Oklahoma City and into Valley Brook, where it got a quick lap dance before turning south to grab some drugs at a motel on I-35 and SE 44th. Stormchasers called it The Methnado.
While this was going on, the southern half of the Oklahoma City metro was literally caught in a torrential downpour. It was so insane the Hobby Lobby family got out their huge boat and started loading animals on it just to be safe. Highway medians looked like the Lazy River at White Water. Streets flooded, idiots drove into them, and news cameras were on hand to film it.
The flooding led Oklahoma City to declare the first ever Emergency Flood Disaster in the city’s history. Apparently that’s a big deal. It caused Damon Lane to jizz in his pants on live TV. He was so excited you would have thought he had just given birth to a tornado. His excitement even carried over to Twitter:
FLASH FLOOD EMERGENCY FOR OKC. NEVER BEEN ISSUED FOR OKC BEFORE. HISTORIC FLOODING UNDERWAY. PARTS THAT HAVE NOT FLOODED BEFORE WILL
— Damon Lane (@KOCOdamonlane) May 7, 2015
His loyal co-workers decided to play along:
FLASH FLOOD EMERGENCY FOR OKC METRO. First time ever issued. #kocostorms (9:07pm)
— Jessica Schambach (@KOCOJessica) May 7, 2015
For the next 30 minutes or so, flash flooding and tornado damage dominated the news. And then our worst fear came true… The Tigernado.
Marisa alluded to this in today’s MMTs, but apparently KFOR reporter Chellie Mills fainted on live TV yesterday while covering the marathon on Sunday morning. Fortunately, she was okay:
Listen, if anyone is allowed to faint on live TV, it’s Chellie Mills. Not only is she pregnant with like her tenth baby or whatever, but she also has to deal with Chron’s disease. The woman is a trooper and can probably kick all of our asses. We like her and wish her the best.
And yet when a TV reporter passes out on live TV while interviewing a kid in front of banana stand, you have to watch it. Thankfully, an Ogle Mole captured video of the event and sent it to us.
Here’s the video:
Here at The Lost Ogle, we occasionally like to help out our friends in the local news media. We do this because we’re nice people and enjoy “paying it forward” to those who provide us with so much material.
That’s why when Emily Sutton placed a Craigslist ad for a new couch a couple of years ago, we helped spread the word and find a buyer. And it’s why we’ve decided to do the very same thing for Bree Steffen. The KOCO General Assignment reporter is moving to a new apartment and needs to sell a washer and dryer.
Here’s a post about it from Bree’s Facebook page. It was sent to us via the Ogle Mole Network:
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