It’s officially summer, so that means it’s time for some fun, faith, family and freedom…wait, wrong slogan. It’s time to get outside, or, with this being Pride Weekend in Oklahoma, come ‘out’. Here are a few things to do tonight besides getting stranded on the Silver Bullet at Frontier City…
Even though the Oklahoma legislature will probably be called into a special session later this year to address the unconstitutional tax increases they passed back in May, I thought it would be fun to take a look at some of the more embarrassing gaffes from this past year’s legislative session. You know, just in case you still feel like moving away…
10. Rain causes shit-colored flood in capitol basement
This would be a precursor of many other things to come.
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9. Email to Capitol Pages warns about “cross-dressers in the building”
In April, LGBT students, activists and supporters were bussed to the capitol to lobby GOP lawmakers about new-age concepts such as equality, compassion and embracing diversity. In response, the Speaker’s office warned capitol pages about “cross-dressers” in the building and opened up a secret, special and very safe bathroom for them to use.
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8. Justin Humphrey says women “make great hosts”
A couple of years ago, TLO editor Patrick gave me $20 and sent me to the outskirts of town to write an article about fireworks. When I did, it was met with resounding jeers, leading many readers to not only publicly question my mostly hetero sexuality, but basic manhood as well for what was apparently considered a weaker-than-weak selection of patriotism-based explosives.
That’s Oklahoma for you.
Lesson learned, when I was asked to write about fireworks this year, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake. Carrying just a little over $750 in dirty cash, a loaded .45 hidden under the driver’s seat and a case of trucker’s strength Mini-Thins, I spent the past weekend combing the dusty backroads of Oklahoma, stopping at hush-hush fireworks stands in towns that don’t even have names, making deals in shady backrooms with shadier men for, as one procurer told me, “the shit they don’t even have in Mexico yet.”
And with that, at a great cost to my life and liberty, here are five of the best illegal fireworks, barely available on the black market and attained only through the most life-threatening of means, some of which included paying off numerous small-town redneck sheriffs, becoming the short-lived kingpin of a clandestine cockfighting ring and smuggling a few cases of Coors across state lines, all done in an effort to help you, the reader, sexually overcompensate and feel like a real Goddamned man in the comments section. ¡Cómpralo ya!
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The Red-Headed Kid Down the Street Who Hurts Animals
Last week, State Impact Oklahoma and the Center for Public Integrity co-published a report detailing how Oil Overlords have injected $40-million worth of pro-industry propaganda into Oklahoma classroom shales.
Apparently, it’s all part of an effort to indoctrinate… errr… educate our state’s youth about the wonders of petroleum, and all the great things it’s done for human civilization (minus the pollution, environmental destruction, and war).
One tactic the oil industry has used is sending bought-and-paid-for Oklahoma lawmakers to rural elementary schools to distribute and read from kid’s books like Petro Pete’s Big Bad Dream – a classic literary fable where a young boy has the all-too-common nightmare about what life would be like living in a world without petroleum.
With the temperature rising, it’s hard to find the motivation to do much right now. Too muggy to mow the lawn, too steamy to shoot hoops, too warm to walk the dog… The best thing to do is give in to your worst, slovenly impulses and drink the summer away.
To help you avoid responsibilities and instead indulge in bacchanalian debauchery, today we’re providing you with six cocktail recipes that are themed around Oklahoma. As TLO’s resident bartender and boozehound, I’ve tried to make them as simple and delicious as possible. Get out your jigger and shaker tins, ready the ice, and mix up some of our new summer creations. If you have any of your own deep-fried favorites you’d like to share, let us know in the comment section!
-Fracking Fluid
