To: The Tulsa/Bentonville Olympic Organizing Committee
From: The Lost Ogle
Re: Demonstration Sports for the 2020 Tulsa Olympiad
We wish to commend the bright minds and organizers who will lead the efforts to bring the Olympic Games to Tulsa and Bentonville. Inspired by Atlanta’s 1996 bid, they have sailed on the reed of “Tulsa has the same number of people as Atlanta,” which is a fine argument. If you ignore the 2 million people who were living in Atlanta’s suburbs in 1989, the presence of three major league teams, the busiest airport in the world, an international network, and the headquarters of ten of the world’s 100 largest corporations including Delta, Coke, and RJR, yeah, Tulsa is just like Atlanta.
But, Atlanta is a model for any city more concerned with self-promotion than quality of life, so Tulsa has chosen wisely. Besides, Atlanta should want to help, because a Tulsa Olympics will burnish the image of Atlanta as a sophisticated and cosmopolitan place rather than a collection of Johnny Knoxvilles who drive flying ’69 Dodge Chargers.
Now, there is much work to be done ““ building venues; getting direct airline service to someplace besides Dallas, Atlanta, or Chicago; lowering the summer temperature in Tulsa by 26 degrees; making 2 million people move to Jenks; just to name a few. We here at TLO want to do our part.
At every Olympiad, the host nation is allowed to include certain “demonstration” sports in which nations might compete. In some instances (i.e. baseball) the demonstration sport goes on to become a permanent Olympic event. In our effort to fully enhance the bid of Green Country to host the summer Olympics, we, The Lost Ogles, hereby advance and suggest the following demonstrations sports for the 32d Olympiad:
Noodling. Nothing says Oklahoma like sticking your arm down in the murky waters of an east Oklahoma river or creek and trying to catch a catfish by sticking your arm down its gullet. Check out this video and you’ll see all the explanation you need for why this is not only an Olympic-worthy sport, but also an Ogle-worthy sport:
Redneck Biathlon. This is a team event. Every team consists of three guys and a pickup truck. The driver has to drive down US 69 without any brakes, while the passenger next to him opens bottles of beer for the driver, himself, and the third guy in back. The guy in back has a high-powered rifle, and has to shoot at highway signs while the passenger and driver chuck the empties the opposing teams. Last team rolling wins.
Extreme Fighting. We have several good casino venues ready to host mixed martial arts fighting inside the octagonized-circle. And, we could bring back legendary OU wrestler Frank Trigg and former Tulsanian and WWE star Bill Goldberg to commentate for NBC.
Bikini Mud Wrestling. This one explains itselfTailgating: A multi-sport pentathlon competition, consists of finding a parking space for the RV, scalping tickets, grillin’, sneaking booze into the stadium and fighting with the other team’s fans in the parking lot.
Meth-Makin’: This one also explains itself. But it leads into . . .
Prison Rodeo: Oklahoma has the best prison rodeo in the world, and what could be more in the spirit of the Olympics than to have nations empty out their prisons and train the convicts to rope and ride and play musical cahirs with a bull? Then, after the Olympics end, we’d just keep them all here in our private prisons.Praying. With so many faiths and so many ways to worship God, and so much dispute over how to pray to God, what better way to settle the issue in the games of peace and global harmony than to have competitive praying?
Chicken-Shit Crew: Oklahoma City has one of the finest rowing venues in the world. However, the only thing Tulsans are willing to send to OKC are tax dollars, so we’ll probably have to hold the rowing events on the Arkansas River. Unless Attorney General Drew B. Governor can get the lawsuit moving along, competitors will be rowing through chunky waters in 2020.
Miss America-ing: We are open to suggestions on this one . . .
Porn-Star Rally 2020: Who can drive from Tulsa to Texas and back the fastest in an 18-wheeler and buy a selection of movies featuring Oklahoma porn stars Jesse Jane and Ashlynn Brooke. Note: Any semblance to the movies “Smokey and the Bandit” or “Gumball Rally” is purely coincidental. Drivers will continue to make the run until they either drop from exhaustion or go blind. (And, for VI, we dug up this Ashlynn Brooke interview, in which Oklahoma’s favorite porn actress reveals her savant-like thoughts on refining the production of sex that sells):Any more suggestions?